Dating, Relationships, and Disability

You know how sometimes life can begin nudging you in a certain direction. At first you say, “Ut uh, I am NOT going there. I’m not doing that.” 

But life persists. There are signs, indicators that maybe life is pointing you in the right direction.

This is what has happened to me over the last few months. I have decided to close Radiant Abilities at the end of the year. This means the Dating Made Easier program will be ending, as well as my training platform for professionals, Supporting Dating and Relationships.

What brought about this decision?

Quite simply, my vision for Radiant Abilities and its programs haven’t grown the way I thought they would.

I truly thought people would be more interested in support for successful dating and developing healthy relationships than they were. The research we did before developing the programs seemed to indicate that people with disabilities were looking for coaching, guidance and community support for their dating journey. 

It just didn’t pan out that way. For my own sake and to maximize my strengths, I need to move on.

What won’t change, though, is I’ll still be in the space of dating and relationships for people with disabilities.

And I’m pleased to share that this podcast will continue.

I’m beginning a new company. Details, along with its name, are still marinating. Here’s what I can share about the new company. 

While it’s bittersweet to say goodbye to the company I have built over the last 15 years, I’m reminded of my favorite Oprah quote: “When I look into the future, it's so bright it burns my eyes."

Thank you for listening, for journeying with me as we debunk the mistaken beliefs that keep sexual ableism alive and demand that we be seen as the worthy partners we are. You have blessed my life.

I’ll be providing updates on the new company and the new projects I undertake.

Click here to join the email list for updates.

Join me in grabbing the shades for that bright future. 😎

Christian de la Huerta, a personal transformation expert with over 30 years of experience, joins Kathy O'Connell to discuss relationships, self-worth, and emotional healing—particularly for people with disabilities navigating the dating world.

Christian emphasizes that looking for love begins with removing internal obstacles, especially our sense of self-worth. Drawing from A Course in Miracles, he explains that we can't expect others to respect us if we don't respect ourselves. Having overcome depression and self-hatred in his own life, Christian knows healing is possible for anyone.

Christian's method combines understanding the source of negative beliefs with breathwork—extended breathing practices lasting 60-90 minutes. He considers breathwork the most effective tool for healing trauma, so powerful that it led him to abandon his PhD pursuit in psychology.

When we suppress emotions—swallowing our breath when scared or angry—these energies become stuck in our bodies, leading to depression, rage, or physical illness. Christian advocates developing emotional intelligence and expressing feelings authentically rather than stuffing them down.

Through a personal story about people not showing up in his life, Christian illustrates a key principle: if something triggers us "out there," it reflects something "in here." He realized he wasn't showing up for his writing commitments. Within an hour of this insight, both situations resolved.

Our worth is inherent and unshakable—nobody can give it or take it away. Christian challenges listeners: if all 8 billion humans deserve happiness and meaning, why would we be the exception? He encourages doing the inner work through coaching, therapy, or breathwork before approaching relationships.

His books "Conscious Love" and "Awakening the Soul of Power" explore these themes further. Find more at SoulfulPower.com.

Tiffany Yu is the author of "The Anti-Ableist Manifesto" and founder of Diversability, a community of over 80,000 people focused on disability leadership. She became disabled at age 9 in a car accident that took her father's life and left her with paralysis in one arm. She's also a paraclimber competing internationally for Team USA.

Disability pride is how disabled people combat ableism—showing up as the fullest embodiment of who they are. In dating, this means feeling secure in one's disabled body rather than hiding it. Tiffany shared her evolution from waiting until the third or fourth date to disclose her disability to now prominently featuring it in dating profiles and conversations.

For 12 years after becoming disabled, Tiffany didn't tell anyone about her accident. Her "second disability origin story" began in college in 2009 when she started her disability pride journey. From 2009-2019, she worked on owning her story, but it wasn't until recently that she became comfortable with the physical manifestation of her disability, learning to stop hiding her arm in photos.

Anti-ableism in dating means actively not devaluing someone based on how their body or mind works. It includes understanding access needs, recognizing microaggressions (like constantly being asked "what happened?"), and practicing "access intimacy"—anticipating a partner's needs without them having to ask.

Tiffany emphasizes building community support, working with therapists, and checking in with yourself before dating. She uses a 1-10 scale—only dating when she's at least a 7 or 8 out of 10 excited, avoiding bringing exhaustion or jadedness into new connections.

Dating apps have fundamental flaws, relying on photos and prompts rather than genuine interaction. Society needs to close the perception gap around disability—recognizing that disabled people always been here, are valuable partners, and deserve to be seen.

Tiffany's Website

The Anti-Ableist Manifesto

Kathy's Diversability Talk on Sexual Ableism and Dating

Dr. Kristen Williamson, a licensed professional counselor with a doctorate in behavioral health management, shares her journey of being diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 39. She prefers the term "neurospicy" over neurodivergent, believing it captures "the spice of life" that comes with different brain wiring.

Dr. Williamson explains how her autism can make her sound robotic when she's not actively thinking about vocal inflection, which her ADHD husband initially misinterpreted as anger or criticism. Her advice: learn about your brain and advocate for yourself upfront. Tell potential partners, "I like to ask questions. I might ask you 17 questions in a row—I'm not interrogating you, I'm just really interested."

Neurospicy individuals often experience rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD), described as "a thousand micro cuts across your psyche." Dr. Williamson acknowledges this pain while emphasizing that there are people who will accept you authentically. Masking who you are only delays potential rejection and makes it hurt more after emotional investment.

Rebuilding confidence requires "a hundred tiny steps," starting with finding places where you fit. Dr. Williamson recommends online communities, Discord channels, Reddit threads, meetup groups, and conventions where you can connect with others who share your interests and experiences.

Rather than disclosing diagnoses, share characteristics: "I prefer direct communication," "I don't always get subtext," "I prefer texting over phone calls," or "I prefer small groups over big concerts." If someone can't meet you where you are during the "best behavior" phase, they likely won't later.

The Core Message

"It is not your job to make yourself smaller in order to make anybody else fit in. You can shine just as bright as everybody else."

Take our Dating Confidence quiz here.

If you scored mostly D's on our dating confidence assessment, you've mastered the fundamentals of confident dating with a disability. Stage 5 is about maintaining and evolving your dating confidence while helping others on their journey.

This stage represents a shift from building confidence to sustaining it - making dating confidence a lifelong skill rather than a one-time achievement. It's about refinement, maintenance, mentorship, and preparing for deeper relationship skills.

Pillar 1: Strategic Evaluation Develop quarterly reviews of your dating strategies. Assess what's working monthly, review goals quarterly, and conduct annual deep dives into personal growth.

Pillar 2: Social Circle Expansion Continuously expand your network through new disability advocacy groups, conferences, different social activities, and varied dating approaches. Try one new way to meet people each month.

Pillar 3: Mentorship and Leadership Support others with disabilities starting their dating journeys. Volunteer to speak at events, mentor individuals, share your story online, or facilitate support groups.

Pillar 4: Support System Maintenance Maintain regular check-ins with accountability partners and disability community friends. Develop reciprocal support relationships where you both give and receive guidance.

Pillar 5: Gratitude Practice Keep weekly gratitude journals focused on dating skills gained and personal growth milestones - not just romantic outcomes. This prevents taking hard-won confidence for granted.

Pillar 6: Long-Term Relationship Skills Develop advanced communication techniques, conflict resolution skills, and strategies for balancing independence and interdependence in partnerships.

You're succeeding when you demonstrate consistent confidence regardless of relationship status, regularly contribute to others' success, maintain sustainable practices, and integrate dating confidence into overall life leadership.

Stage 5 shifts your focus from "How do I succeed at dating?" to "How do I maintain this success while helping others achieve it too?" Your personal mastery transforms into community leadership and systemic change.

Remember, mastery isn't a destination - it's a commitment to lifelong learning, authentic growth, and generous sharing with others.

📅 ENROLLMENT CLOSING OCT 25 Dating Made Easier  will be stopping open enrollment on October 25th! After that, we'll only open enrollment at specific times during the year.

🔥 DATING CHALLENGE: OCT 14-17 Get crystal clear on your dating profile and create a winning plan!

🎯 FREE WORKSHOP: OCT 21 "What to Do When Nothing Works in Dating" - This one's going to be GOOD!

🎁 SWEET OFFER COMING MID-OCTOBER for email subscribers only! Get on the list here. Trust me, you won't want to miss this amazing surprise!

And don't forget to take our Dating Success quiz to see what stage you're in.

Stage 4 transitions from preparation to practice—actively dating with intention, authenticity, and resilience. This phase combines foundation work, confidence, and strategic planning into real-world dating experiences.

Pillar 1: Strategic Platform Engagement Dedicate 30 minutes daily to thoughtful dating app interactions. Focus on quality over quantity, using prepared conversation starters and consistent disclosure strategies about accessibility needs.

Pillar 2: Active Social Participation Join clubs, attend disability community events, volunteer, and participate in online-to-offline meetups. Build a rich social life that naturally creates connection opportunities rather than desperately seeking dates.

Pillar 3: Leveraging Networks Have explicit conversations with three trusted friends or family about your dating goals. Request specific introductions, party invitations, and create a "dating support team" who understand your preferences.

Pillar 4: Experience Documentation Maintain a dating insights journal. After each interaction, spend 10 minutes reflecting on what worked, what you learned, and potential adjustments. Track patterns and personal growth over time.

Pillar 5: Celebrating Progress Recognize every step forward—sending vulnerable messages, authentic accessibility conversations, improved confidence—not just successful dates. Practice self-compassion during disappointments.

Pillar 6: Maintaining Authenticity Stay true to your values and needs despite pressure. Continue disability disclosure without apologizing, advocate for accessibility, and practice saying no to incompatible situations.

Stage 4 success means consistent engagement, authentic self-representation, graceful accessibility navigation, resilient responses to outcomes, maintained boundaries, continuous learning, and a fulfilling social life independent of romantic status.

You're becoming someone who can build healthy relationships through practice in authenticity, communication, and resilience. Each experience is valuable regardless of romantic outcome. You don't need perfection—just authentic, consistent action.

📅 ENROLLMENT CLOSING OCT 25 Dating Made Easier  will be stopping open enrollment on October 25th! After that, we'll only open enrollment at specific times during the year.

🔥 DATING CHALLENGE: OCT 14-17 Get crystal clear on your dating profile and create a winning plan!

🎯 FREE WORKSHOP: OCT 21 "What to Do When Nothing Works in Dating" - This one's going to be GOOD!

🎁 SWEET OFFER COMING MID-OCTOBER for email subscribers only! Get on the list here. Trust me, you won't want to miss this amazing surprise!

And don't forget to take our Dating Success quiz to see what stage you're in.

How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile guide

Stage 3  of the Dating Success Path is for those who've completed the foundational work of self-awareness and confidence building. This phase transforms internal confidence into a strategic, actionable dating plan that honors accessibility needs and authentic self-presentation.

Pillar 1: Platform Research and Accessibility Evaluation Conduct an "Accessibility Audit" of dating platforms examining technical features (screen reader compatibility, voice commands, text adjustment) and community culture (how disability is discussed, presence of inclusive language, anti-discrimination policies). Test platforms yourself rather than relying on stated features.

Pillar 2: Developing Your Disclosure Strategy Create an "Authentic Disclosure Framework" with three tiers: visual representation in profiles, direct discussion of accessibility needs pre-meeting, and deeper conversations about disability experience during early dating. Develop practiced language for each stage.

Pillar 3: Comprehensive Safety Protocols Establish both standard and disability-specific safety measures including disability-aware safety contacts, backup communication methods, independently researched venue accessibility, and emergency protocols that account for accessibility needs.

Pillar 4: Realistic Budget Planning Account for standard dating costs plus accessibility-specific expenses like specialized transportation, backup plans, venue research time, and the "accessibility tax" of premium-priced accessible options.

Pillar 5: Accessible Venue Research Build a personal database of verified accessible venues by calling restaurants directly, visiting locations during off-peak times, and connecting with local disability communities for recommendations. Develop backup venue options.

Pillar 6: Creating Authentic Dating Profiles Craft profiles that naturally represent your full personality including disability without making it the central focus. Use photos in natural settings and conversation starters that reveal values about inclusion.

This stage represents moving from "I hope this works" to "I've created systems for success." Strategic planning removes barriers that interfere with authentic connection, allowing you to focus on getting to know potential partners rather than constantly problem-solving logistics.

Before advancing to active dating, complete: platform selection based on accessibility, clear disclosure strategy, comprehensive safety protocols, realistic budget, database of 10+ accessible venues with reliable transportation, and authentic representative profiles.

📅 ENROLLMENT CLOSING OCT 25 Dating Made Easier  will be stopping open enrollment on October 25th! After that, we'll only open enrollment at specific times during the year.

🔥 DATING CHALLENGE: OCT 14-17 Get crystal clear on your dating profile and create a winning plan!

🎯 FREE WORKSHOP: OCT 21 "What to Do When Nothing Works in Dating" - This one's going to be GOOD!

🎁 SWEET OFFER COMING MID-OCTOBER for email subscribers only! Get on the list here. Trust me, you won't want to miss this amazing surprise!

And don't forget to take our Dating Success quiz to see what stage you're in.

Stage 2 is designed for those who've completed foundational self-worth work but struggle to translate internal confidence into external action. This stage builds the resilience and social skills needed to navigate dating situations and handle challenges with grace.

Pillar 1: Assertiveness Training and Boundary Setting Practice self-advocacy in low-stakes situations using the DESC method: Describe objectively, Express feelings and needs, Specify desired outcomes, and state positive Consequences. Start with non-dating scenarios like requesting accommodations at restaurants.

Pillar 2: Rejection Resilience Through Role-Playing Systematically practice difficult scenarios with a trusted friend—insensitive questions, accessibility challenges, or potential rejections. Build go-to responses and recovery strategies.

Pillar 3: Low-Stakes Social Confidence Building Engage in social "strength training" through low-pressure activities like hobby groups, volunteering, or community meetups. Focus on practicing small talk, handling accessibility needs, and building comfort in public spaces.

Pillar 4: Personal Rejection Reframe Strategy Develop a "Reality Check Method" to avoid catastrophizing. Consider multiple rejection reasons beyond disability: incompatible values, timing issues, communication styles, or simple lack of chemistry.

Pillar 5: Mindfulness and Anxiety Management Learn practical techniques like 4-7-8 breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and positive self-talk scripts. The goal is managing anxiety, not eliminating it.

Pillar 6: Building Your Confidence Support Network Cultivate relationships for different support types: accountability partners, disability community friends, mentors, and professional counselors.

Before advancing, demonstrate: confident self-advocacy in multiple settings, successful navigation of challenging social situations, effective anxiety management, recovery from rejection without spiraling, comfort in unfamiliar social activities, and a strong support network.

Confidence isn't the absence of fear—it's the ability to act authentically despite discomfort. Stage 2 builds resilience muscles through deliberate practice in challenging situations.

📅 ENROLLMENT CLOSING OCT 25 Dating Made Easier  will be stopping open enrollment on October 25th! After that, we'll only open enrollment at specific times during the year.

✨ Why the change? So I can pour ALL my energy into getting our current members the dating success they deserve!

But first... we've got some AMAZING things lined up for you! 👇

🔥 DATING CHALLENGE: OCT 14-17 Get crystal clear on your dating profile and create a winning plan!

🎯 FREE WORKSHOP: OCT 21 "What to Do When Nothing Works in Dating" - This one's going to be GOOD!

🎁 SWEET OFFER COMING MID-OCTOBER for email subscribers only! Get on the list here. Trust me, you won't want to miss this amazing surprise!

💌 Want to stay in the loop? Take our Dating Confidence Quiz [LINK IN BIO] to join our email list - that's where all the good stuff gets announced first!

Take our Dating Success Quiz here.

Ready to enhance your dating experience? Join our Dating Made Easier community for coaching, skills and resources to succeed in dating. Doors closing soon for new members. Join today.

Sign up here to get notified about our upcoming free Dating Challenge and our free workshop on When Nothing Works in Dating on Oct 21.

If you identify as being in Stage 1 of the Dating Success Journey, download this resource.

Stage 1 focuses on developing internal confidence before entering the dating world. It's about creating a healthy relationship with yourself first, not being "behind" or "unready."

Pillar 1: Daily Self-Reflection Practice three daily questions: What do I value? What are my authentic interests? What do I want in a partnership? Commit to 5 minutes of morning journaling for two weeks.

Pillar 2: Rewriting Internal Narratives Replace generic affirmations with targeted truth-telling. Instead of "I am lovable," try "My worth isn't determined by my symptom days" or "My disability experience taught me valuable relationship skills."

Pillar 3: Disability-Positive Community Create a "Possibility Feed" by following accounts of people with disabilities thriving in relationships. This provides evidence that shifts thinking from "Who would want me?" to "What kind of person would match me?"

Pillar 4: Professional Support Consider therapy if dealing with deep shame, trauma, limiting family messages, or difficulty distinguishing between realistic needs and unnecessary self-limitation.

Pillar 5: Comprehensive Strengths Inventory Create a "Whole Person Asset List" including professional skills, personal qualities, and strengths gained from disability experience.

Stage 1 work transforms the core question from "Will someone accept me despite my disability?" to "Are we compatible?" This moves you from defensive validation-seeking to confident compatibility assessment.

Complete Stage 1 when you can discuss your disability without shame, have clear relationship values, know your strengths, and feel excited about dating from curiosity rather than desperation.

Timeline varies - sometimes months, others may need longer. The goal is building an unshakeable foundation for authentic, confident dating.