Dealing With My Grief

As this podcast episode is being released on the anniversary of my father's death, I find myself being consumed by a different question than usual.

When did I start my healing process?

The answer... when the bleeding stopped!

When I physically fall, sometimes bhe bleeding doesn't happen immediately. The blood and pain take a minute to be registered by my brain and they suually hit at the same time. At that point there is no denying what has happened. For that brief second while you are waiting for the blood to appear you wonder if there will be any blood and if so, how bad will it be.

In grief when my father died and my mother and I walked into that store, I was in disbelief of what I saw. I couldn't beleive it was happening to me... itr took his funeral for it to really start to sink in that this was happening.

But what about the healing... when and how does that happen?

I had to realize that I could live on without my father. That is when the bleeding stopped. Once the bleeding stops only then can healing truly begin.

But healing to is painful. I recently fell and scraped up my elbo pretty bad. while the scrpar marks have scarred over every time I bump my arm against something or ove it the wrong way, it hurts... it's a painful reminder that something has happened to me.

That just means it may take just a little longer to heal... It also mean I may have a scar for a while.

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Music provided by Oren Levine ([email protected])

February 25 is a day my life change... yet again!

On this day my home caught fire in my living room and dining room. What the fire didn't destroy smoke and water damage did.

After spending a month in a hotel, my family is now renting a house while out home is being repaired. They say it'll be 6-8 months to complete... did I mention hotel?

During the month we spent in the hotel, we met many people - some who were staying long term for work and some who had suffered misfortune like my family were there because their homes were being repaired.

After 2 weeks there, the COVID-19 virus began to hit the U.S. hard and we were afraid our hotel would close like many others and we'd be left looking for a place to live. As mentioned earlier, our insurance company came through and found a place to we could live until our home is done.

But the virus... It has left us sheltered in place and I'm fortunate enough that I can work from home. So unlike many millions of people in the states, I am able to continue earning a living wage.

While it is difficult not being around people and seeing the street looking more like a ghost town instead of a thriving metropolis, I have to tell myself that this is only temporary. Eventually we will get back to some sense of normalcy... whatever that happens to be,

How are you coping wit the virus and what do you think "normal" will look like when the pandemic is over?

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Music provided by Oren Levine ([email protected])

There are amazing people using different avenues to express and deal with grief... especially as it relates to children.

As someone who lost my father when I was a child, I look to spotlight organizations who are helping children deal in some way no matter how big or small with their loss.

This week I have a conversation with Sarah Illiatovitch-Goldman

Sarah works for the Auditorium Theatre in Chicago where she is is the Director of Hearts to Art Summer Camp - a performing arts program for young people 7-14 who have experienced the death of a parent. As an educator, Sarah has taught everywhere from Universities to Summer Camps, to Prisons to High Schools and beyond. She is a trauma informed practice provider and brings the philosophy of that practice to all of her work. Sarah is an internationally recognized playwright who has worked with some of the best theatre companies in Chicago including working on three plays by Pulitzer and Tony Award winning playwright, Tracy Letts. Though she is from Toronto, Ontario - Sarah lives in Chicago with her husband, her three daughters and her fiercely frustrated feline, Mortimer.

Contact Sarah and Hearts to Art:

Website: www.HeartstoArt.org Facebook: www.facebook.com/HeartstoArt Contact: 312-341-2353, [email protected]

Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:

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Contact me using any of following: email - [email protected]

twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief

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Music provided by Oren Levine ([email protected])

People don't give us what we expect in grief because they don't know what we need... and often cases we don't tell them.

Before we pass judgement on those around us, let us first take a step back and process what is going on around us and try to figure out exactly what's behind a persons actions and what we can do to help them hep us.

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Music provided by Oren Levine ([email protected])

Sometimes we can't give grief the attention it deserves either because the magnitude of grief hasn't hit yet, or because there are other pressing needs that need our attention.

When my father died. my mother's main focus as making sure our basic needs were met. There was no time to sit and reflect on the journey she would have to take in providing for a household as a single parent.

conversely, it didn't hit me for 4 years that I would have go through certain aspects of life without my dad around. At 10 years old I only lived for the moment - school, chores and play. That was essentially my life. Even after my dad died, I lived for the moment. I never thought about the future... not until it hit me square in the face when I was 14.

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Music provided by Oren Levine ([email protected])

I last saw my uncle in June of 2016. At the time he told me he had something for me but he had decided he'd wait and give it to me later. As it turned out, later would never come because he died 3 weeks later.

Christmas of 2016 on a visit back to S. Louis, my aunt and cousin presented me with the item my uncle bequeathed to me... a Rolex DateJust watch. I was thrilled and nervous at the same time. I had never owned anything that expensive that I couldn't drive and I was afraid that somehow I would mess it up, maybe break it.

Over the last year, that watch has become a way to establish a connection with my uncle. I think aabout how hard he worked and the many successes in life he had: he owned race horses and ran a successful daycare business. He was also there for my mother and me when we needed something like my school clothes or getting our car fix - anything that we needed in the moment. This watch reminds me of the essence of who he was and of who I can be.

I would like to someday buy a Rolex of my own in celebration of how far I have come on my grief journey and to pass my uncle's watch to my son before I die. My uncle was the closest thing to a grandfather that my son ever had and I want him to experience this wonderful feeling of wearing something so grand in remembrance of my uncle... our uncle.

Looking at the Rolex website (rolex.com) I found that many of the stories of prominent Rolex owners have purchased/received their watches after persevering in whatever profession they have to be the best at what they do. This watch helps me channel the same spirit from my uncle.

One of the Rolex tag lines is "The world of Rolex is filled with stories of perpetual excellence." Mine is filled with the perpetual excellence of my hardworking uncle and the perpetual connection this watch gives me to him.

Here is a picture of the watch.

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Music provided by Oren Levine ([email protected])

When my dad died, I was just a child t a new school trying to fit in... trying to be accepted by those who had barely known me for 5 months. And suddenly after his death I wanted to fit in even more so. I didn't want to bee seen as different.

Even in high school, college, and the military I would hide that part of me that me me "different." I would become a chameleon and simply hide in plain sight. I would in some aspect become part of my environment and surroundings. I'd become just another face in the crowd.

I had been hiding in plain sight until 4 years ago - that's when the Dealing With My Grief podcast was born. It started as a place for me to verbalized things I didn't feel that I could earlier in my life. I know had a space to analyze what I might tell my younger self as I went through specific experiences and emotions and what I might do differently.

It has evolved into a space where others can share their stories and together we can realize we are not alone.

This podcast is officially 4 years old. I thank you for sharing in this journey with me.

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Music provided by Oren Levine ([email protected])

In October of 2011 I contracted a flesh eating bacteria while watching my son play baseball. Some believe I was bitten by a spider - probably a brown recluse.

To remove the dead tissue and ger ahead of the virus I underwent 4 surgeries over a 10 day period to make sure all infected tissue had been removed and that the virus/bacteria had been completely removed. But part of this process involved packing the wound after each surgery with a material that would head drain and keep the wound clean. It would then be taped to my leg until the next dressing change.

Changing the dressing was a challenge because the nurses would slowly rip the tape from my leg. which was still painful, but they would pull just a little and stop so it wouldn't hurt as bad then d a little more, then stop, followed by a little more. Eventually after 10-15 minutes, we would be through. After the tird surgery, I'd had enough. I just told them to rip the tape off all at once. I'd rather hurt once and get it over with than suffer for 15 minutes a little at a time.

This is exactly haw I've fels since my mom died. I've been doing a little at a time, especially with her belongings. Doing just enough until the pain was overwhelming. But now it;s done. But what would I have felt if I had done it all at once?

Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:

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Contact me using any of following: email - [email protected]

twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief

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Music provided by Oren Levine ([email protected])

Happy 2020!

A new year, a new decade. As I mentioned previously, I have not been able to keep up the schedule for the podcast. I've been playing catch up with the other aspects of my life and just haven't been able to devote as much time to the podcast's production. Hopefully, that is all behind me now and I can get back to the regulaas schedule for the show.

As I look back at 2019, I realize that it is the community I have found in grief and the relationships I've established that give me inspiration to have hope when things get difficult... when I fell lost and have no idea what my next move is.

It is the conversation with those that have come on this podcast or you that have sent me an email, text or a post in the Dealing With My Grief Facebook group that inspire me to keep the faith... that community and having these conversations are important.

Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:

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Contact me using any of following: email - [email protected]

twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief

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Music provided by Oren Levine ([email protected])

I am focusing on making new traditions... or at least getting back to old ones this year. The last month and a half have been emotionally draining, mainly dealing with cleaning out my mom's house. Now that it's over, mentally I feel like I'm recovering at a decent pace.

I've been able to start enjoying things I used to do with mom... like eating Cream of Wheat again which is something she made on Saturday mornings.

I know Christmas is a hard time of year for some, but I'm happy my family will be receiving wine from me again after a two year hiatus. I'm grateful I can find joy during this holiday season.

Merry Christmas (or whatever holiday you celebrate) - I hope you are able to find some happiness and joy, no matter how small it mat be during theis holiday season

Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:

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Contact me using any of following: email - [email protected]

twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief

web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com

voice/message - (240) 778-5200

Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief

Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief

Music provided by Oren Levine ([email protected])