Dear Pod,

Hey, Man. Have you seen my friend Kelly? I meant Millie. No, That's not it. Does the name Pam ring a bell? Crap. I'm just trying to buy some DRUGS. That's right. We're getting brave and getting our fix from our local dealer and toking our way into this weeks episode. We've got bags of pretzels and chocolate. Now, bring on the munchies.

MOLLY! That's it! I need, I mean, I'm looking for Molly!

OK. Let's not make a big thing about this. Jules looks a bit burnt out and it seems he fell asleep on the mixing board. Let's just make it easy on him and do a GRAB BAG this week. No, no , no. Don't wake him. I'm sure I can figure out for myself how this recording type device works. Oh yeah. By the way:

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, EVERYONE! DEAR POD IS THREE YEARS OLD!

Oh crap. I think I just woke him up.

There is not enough ibuprofen or water in the world that will help me recovery from that BACHELOR PARTY last night. This week we are doing lines, I'm mean, drawing lines in the sand to find out what really goes on during these debauchery, filled evenings. We may look great going in, but by the time this episode is over, there will be dried up vomit on our shirts and at least three chipped teeth. Big deep breath aaaaaand here we go!

(knocking on bathroom door) Hey you! Dear Pod Listener! What are you doing in that bathroom for so long? You better not be looking at

DIRTY MAGAZINES, because we are about to start the show. Just come out of there, hide the magazines under your bed or that secret hole behind the wall and get in here. OK. The show is starting. By the way, you should tell me where you hid them You know. Just in case you forget.

Where's the Best Man? Is he still at the bar drinking? If he has lost those WEDDING RINGS, I am going to kill him. Some people won't wear them. Others can't take them off of their fat, fingered hands. One thing we have learned though, people will still hit on you even if you're wearing one. And THAT means...I.Still.Got.It!

Lock up the liquor cabinet and hide the cash. God only knows what the BABYSITTER is doing when we're not there. For all we know, she's let them running around the house in their birthday suits. Listen. I am paying you seventy five cents an hour. I expect the height of professionalism and nothing less. Now get those kids to bed and wash my car!

Bless us Father, for we are about to sin. You see, we have a silly podcast where we read the letters of Ann Landers and Dear Abby. Most of the time, things get saucy. Today, we will be talking about PRIESTS. Why don't you go ahead and gather the nuns around the radio. Pour everyone an extra tall glass of church wine and pray that we won't burn in hell after today's episode. AMEN.

Wait! Is that someone at the front door? Who is that? Why, it's a little girl in green! Next to Christmas, today is the happiest day of the year. It is GIRL SCOUT COOKIE delivery day! Brew the coffee. Send the kids away. Open the box of Samoas and let's start this week's frivolity. With chocolate and coconut, of course!

Get out the spackle and trowel because today we are beating our faces Yup. We're talkin' MAKEUP & COSMETICS. So, sharpen up that pencil because we are drawing a nice, heavy line around the lip of this episode before we fill it in with "You Look Like A Whore" lipstick. Happy St. Paddy's Day, Everybody!

Whaddya say we hop in a plane with a pocketful of cash and head to Vegas? I don't know about you, but I can sure use some LUCK in my life right about now. Whether you need it professionally or personally, let's all head on over to the "Crap Table Of Life" and double down on how funny we think this weeks episode will be. No sevens! No sevens! No sevens!