Dear White Women

We’ve had a lot of focus on this show leading into Election 2024 about the state of the country and the deep divides that we’re seeing in society.  We’re grateful to and for everyone who worked to ensure that democracy worked in early November. AND, given the election results, we know that these divides still exist and have the ability to grow even deeper. 

What can we do about that? One step that we can take right now is to examine how we talk to each other, to better connect. So today, we focus on the good stuff - building community, nurturing friendships, and coming together with a lot of meaning and joy.

And given who we are, of course, we don’t just do it alone - we do it in partnership with a leading psychologist who specializes in developing friendships, showcased in her NYT bestselling book Platonic, and who - alongside us in our multi-racial identities, also has personal experience driving her desire to help more of us understand how to belong, and find those connections in the world. 

Listen for so many scientific frameworks about:

• The importance of friendships - because so many of us make them less of a priority!

• Three types of loneliness: intimate, relational, and collective

• How adults make friends

• Nurturing our existing friendships

• What we need to consider when building relationships with those different than us

Action items: 

• Reflect on what is truly meaningful and important in your life, and be intentional about making time for those things.

• Consider evaluating your existing friendships and community based on factors like authenticity, energy exchange, and shared values.

• Be brave and put in the effort to make new friends, even if it feels uncomfortable at first - i.e. get over our overt and covert avoidance!

• Explore internal work to develop a stronger sense of self, which can help in tolerating and nurturing healthy relationships.

About our guest: 

An enlightening psychologist, TED speaker, and New York Times bestselling author, Dr. Marisa G Franco is known for digesting and communicating science in ways that resonate deeply enough with people to change their lives. She works as a professor at The University of Maryland and authored the New York Times bestseller Platonic: How The Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends. She writes about friendship for Psychology Today and has been a featured connection expert for major publications like The New York Times, The Telegraph, and Vice. She speaks on belonging at corporations, government agencies, non-profits, and universities. 

For tips on friendship, you can follow her on Instagram (DrMarisaGFranco), or go to her website,www.DrMarisaGFranco.com, where you can take a quiz to assess your strengths and weaknesses as a friend & reach out for speaking engagements.

This is a short episode – about why we vote, and why we hold onto hope today and going forward – and it may be the episode that you need to hear today.

If you’ve already voted: THANK YOU. 

If you haven’t voted yet, pause this and go do that. 

Spread the word.  Please VOTE.

When we first recorded this episode, we were at the end of the Trump presidency, when we still had a legal right to abortion in this country. Roe v. Wade was still the law of the land, and women had access to safe abortion options in many states.

Now, on the eve of the 2024 Presidential elections, abortion is on the ballot in a post-Dobbs world, where we have women dying because they cannot get legal abortions, and there’s a whole bunch of lawmakers (mostly White dudes) who want to tell women what they can and cannot do with their own bodies. Oh, and don’t be fooled by Melania’s sudden desire to be pro-choice: there’s only one Presidential candidate who cares about women’s health and human rights (of which abortion is one), and her name doesn’t end with Trump.

So, take this as your reminder to vote for the candidate who cares about women - not about sexually assaulting them, but about their healthcare, their agency, and their bodies. And also, hopefully, as you listen to this re-release, you find that there are so many people out there fighting for women’s health care and reproductive justice, just like If/When/How and Mariko Miki are, and that there is a real community in this. That part is hope personified. And that is what we need to lean into now as well. So vote. And hold onto that hope.

Have questions, comments, or concerns?  Email us at [email protected].

What to listen for:

• What is a self-managed abortion anyway?

• What are some of the issues when it comes to criminalizing reproductive decision making?  Sign a petition here.

• How we need to destigmatize abortion and decriminalize women’s reproductive lives.

• The groundbreaking work If/When/How is doing in spearheading a legal defense fund for reproductive justice.

• Resources people can use, including:

• a Reproductive Legal Helpline for anybody thinking about a self-managed abortion, 

• and the latest state-by-state information on what’s happening in the legal landscape of women’s reproductive rights (with a quick escape button if you need to close the browser immediately).

For this episode, we spoke with Mariko Miki, who is the Managing Director and General Counsel at If/When/How: Lawyering for Reproductive Justice, where she oversees the organization’s programs, people, and policies. Joining If/When/How in 2010, Mariko designed, launched, and directed the Reproductive Justice Fellowship Program, now in its 10th year, and worked to expand reproductive rights and justice course offerings in legal academia. Mariko has served on the Advisory Board of TEACH (Training in Early Abortion for Comprehensive Healthcare) and the Board of Directors for Exhale Pro-Voice, and was a 2019 Rockwood Leadership Reproductive Health, Rights, and Justice Fellow. Mariko graduated from Brown University and Harvard Law School.

Relevant episodes: 

• Ep. 190: Why abortion became political

• Ep. 92: Real talk about abortions, with Dr. Jenn

• Ep. 198: Everything adoption – and we mean EVERYTHING – with Patrick Armstrong

• Ep. 46: Our conversation with abortion provider Dr Jenn.

• Ep. 47: The bridge between reproductive rights and health care.

• Ep. 13: Racial disparities in the U.S. healthcare system when it comes to Black moms.

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Trump lies repeatedly.  He’s shown us who he is.  He’ll continue to try distancing himself from Project 2025 because it’s come under fire in public and he’s very image-savvy, but be very, very clear - this is his policy agenda outline.  Listen to more of Trump’s policies in his own words, along with more on Project 2025, in this episode.

And if you want to do more, consider doing these things: 

• Register to vote and text your entire family and friend network to ensure they’re registered to vote - and ask if everybody has a plan for how to get their ballots in

• Go to VoteForward and Center for Common Ground and write postcards - do this quick

• Follow Erin Gallagher and the #hypewomen for Kamala - they’re mobilizing white women to take action, and the latest even got Oprah’s attention!

• Listen to Episode 254 with activist Sam Chavez on what else you can be doing.

What to listen for:

• Why we think having Trump in a second term is FAR more dangerous than many expect.

• The harms that will befall our country, because of things like his views on:  

• Immigration and making America a white-supremacist centered nation,

• Ukraine and what that says about his desire to pander to the influence of outside nations,

• His hatred of the press and what that indicates about his desire to turn America into an authoritarian state, 

• Violence, and how a deeper threat of control and violence will eventually impact every American citizen 

• Abortion, and what this means for every woman, mother, and person capable of bearing a child, including families overall. 

• Do not look away from the massive threat Trump poses for our country. Please ACTIVELY VOTE for Kamala Harris to keep this from happening. 

Link to Trump’s Authoritarian Playbook 2025: https://www.authoritarianplaybook2025.org/ 

You know how we both feel about the phrase “oh, stop being so political” for the simple reason that politics IS personal. 

Political choices impact most things you do on the daily, and often involve the things you care about the most for your community.

That’s why, today, we wanted to speak to someone who may not look like who you think of when you think “politician” - or at least, not until VP Harris stepped even further into the spotlight. 

We hope you hear what it takes to be a woman of color running for office, the importance of representation, and why it’s important that every single one of us vote in this upcoming election.

What to listen for: 

• What it’s like to run for - and win - office to be a state Senator as a woman of color

• The importance of electing diverse representation

• Multiple examples of how every vote counts, in elections she and her friends have run in!

About our guest:

Mona Das champions sustainable solutions, racial equity, and women's empowerment. Her lived experience as a daughter of Indian immigrants who came with $6 fuels her passion to dismantle barriers.

A Washington State Senator from 2018-2023, Das achieved victories like the single-use plastics ban by forging coalitions across divides. As a woman of color, she faced roadblocks, giving insights into challenges women leaders face. She is also the first person from the Indian State of Bihar to be elected to state or federal office in the US.

Through keynotes, Das shares strategies for overcoming obstacles, leveraging data/narratives, and translating visions into real-world solutions. Her dynamic presence and storytelling captivate.

An entrepreneur with an MBA in sustainability, and the Executive Producer of Bad Ass Women Doing Kick Ass Shit, an award-winning film about eight BIPOC women running for office in 2022, Das empowers audiences to embrace authenticity, overcome limiting beliefs, and unlock potential. badasswomencommunity.com 

Her mission: inspire transformative action towards an equitable world.

Trump lies repeatedly.  He’s shown us who he is.  He’ll continue to try distancing himself from Project 2025 because it’s come under fire in public and he’s very image-savvy, but be very, very clear - this is his policy agenda outline.  Listen to more of Trump’s policies in his own words, along with more on Project 2025, in this episode.

And if you want to do more, consider doing these things: 

• Register to vote and text your entire family and friend network to ensure they’re registered to vote - and ask if everybody has a plan for how to get their ballots in

• Go to VoteForward and Center for Common Ground and write postcards - do this quick

• Follow Erin Gallagher and the #hypewomen for Kamala - they’re mobilizing white women to take action, and the latest even got Oprah’s attention!

Listen to Episode 254 with activist Sam Chavez on what else you can be doing.

What to listen for?

• Why we think having Trump in a second term is FAR more dangerous than many expect.

• The harms that will befall our country, because of things like his views on:  

• Immigration and making America a white-supremacist centered nation,

• Ukraine and what that says about his desire to pander to the influence of outside nations,

• His hatred of the press and what that indicates about his desire to turn America into an authoritarian state, 

• Violence, and how a deeper threat of control and violence will eventually impact every American citizen 

• Abortion, and what this means for every woman, mother, and person capable of bearing a child, including families overall. 

• Do not look away from the massive threat Trump poses for our country. Please ACTIVELY VOTE for Kamala Harris to keep this from happening. 

Link to Trump’s Authoritarian Playbook 2025:

https://www.authoritarianplaybook2025.org/ 

What comes to your mind when you picture someone who’s resilient?  Usually, we hear that it’s one person who’s faced a setback, and they remain hopeful and willing to work through the challenges to return to some sort of life they had before. Maybe you’ve heard the phrase “pick themselves up by their bootstraps” to describe this type of person. We know we have. But that doesn’t always work, as we continually say. 

We have a guest today who’s going to help us critically examine that image we have - and help us understand what we’re missing.  She’ll tell us we need to think critically about when it comes to glorifying resilience, especially if we’re doing it for individual gain or to showcase individual strength, without realizing that the opposite of resilience is loneliness – we have to remember the communal and community contribution to the ability to be resilient.

We’re at a time in history where it feels - no matter your perspective - like the world is burning down around us. We want to trust that we will still be standing. To do it, we need to know when to be optimistic and when to be strategically pessimistic, not beat ourselves up when we’re coming up against moral injury, embrace certain ways of thinking - cognitive flexibility, for those who want the big words - and hold onto hope for the collective, above all.

What to listen for:

• The inaccurate understanding Americans have of resilience – and how it needs to shift from an individual to a collective focus: the opposite of resilience is loneliness. 

• The mind-blowing study that shows us social status matter – and reexamining preconceptions and research in positive psychology, male-focused hardiness, and more.

• Rethinking popular portrayals of the upcoming generation – that, maybe, “younger people aren’t distressed because they lack the right mindset or don’t understand what is happening around them. They are distressed because the world is distressing, and adults have failed them.” 

• How do we find hope when it feels like the world is burning around us? Have openness to difference, openness to change, and acceptance of limits. 

About Soraya: 

Soraya Chemaly is an award-winning author and activist. As a cultural critic, she writes and speaks frequently about gender norms, social justice, free speech, sexualized violence, politics, and technology. The former Executive Director of The Representation Project and Director and co-founder of the Women’s Media Center Speech Project, she has long been committed to expanding women’s civic and political participation.

Soraya is also the author of The Resilience Myth: New Thinking on Grit, Strength, and Growth after Trauma, a thought-provoking exploration that challenges our most dearly held, common myths of resilience and urges us to shift our perspective from prioritizing individualized traits and skills to uplifting collective care and open-ended connections with our communities.

Her first book, Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger, was recognized as a Best Book of 2018 by the Washington Post, Fast Company, Psychology Today, and NPR and has been translated into multiple languages. She is a contributor to several anthologies, most recently Free Speech in the Digital Age and Believe Me: How Trusting Women Can Change The World.  Soraya is also a co-producer of a WMC #NameItChangeIt PSA highlighting the effects of online harassment on women in politics in America.  Her work is featured widely in media, documentaries, books, and academic research.

As an activist, Ms. Chemaly also spearheaded several successful global campaigns challenging corporations to address online hate and harassment, restrictive content moderation and censorship, and institutional biases that undermine equity and negatively affect free speech.

Prior to 2010, Ms. Chemaly spent more than fifteen years as an executive and consultant in the media and data technology industries.

Most of us say we’d speak up and do the right thing - that we’d not conform to horrible societal standards.  We hear that, for example, when people speak about what happened during World War II in Europe. Would you have been part of the Resistance, knowing that the risk included not only social shunning but indeed death? But we also hear that so many of you have a hard time speaking up when it comes to interrupting moments of racism, sexism, misogyny, ageism, homophobia - I mean, it can be really intimidating to use your voice.  Like, you *want* to do the right thing, but feel like you don’t have all the information, don’t know what to say, what the repercussions might be, for example.

We’re here to say that if there ever was a time for us to use our voice - from interrupting with people who want to take away other people’s rights, to promoting equity, looking out for ourselves by getting what we need from relationships and communities, and using our right to vote in the voting booths this fall (because yes, a vote can be your voice as well) - now is the time. We’re so grateful we get to bring you a meaningful and practical conversation that can help you reframe your understanding of why we become silent - and how to unlearn all of that intentionally, so we can start using our powerful voices again.

What to listen for:

• Shocking stats: “Kids ask roughly 125 questions per day. Adults ask about 6 questions per day. Somewhere between childhood and adulthood, we silence our curiosity.” What are the ramifications of becoming silent, especially with a 2024 lens?

• The three questions that each of us - intentionally or not - wrestle with around voice vs. silence: What are the costs of choosing voice? What are the benefits of staying silent? Given the costs and benefits of each, what makes sense to me?

• How being at a hyper-fast pace can not only lead us not to speak our minds, but lead us to silence others as well. 

• Tips around unlearning systemic silence, like asking who does this policy support and who does this policy silence or disadvantage? 

About Elaine:

Elaine Lin Hering is a facilitator, writer, and speaker. She works with organizations and individuals to build skills in communication, collaboration, and conflict management. She has worked on six continents and facilitated executive education at Harvard, Dartmouth, Tufts, UC Berkeley, and UCLA. She is the former Advanced Training Director for the Harvard Mediation Program and a Lecturer on Law at Harvard Law School. She has worked with coal miners at BHP Billiton, micro-finance organizers in East Africa, mental health professionals in China, and senior leadership at the US Department of Commerce. Her clients include American Express, Chevron, Google, Nike, Novartis, PayPal, Pixar, and the Red Cross. She is the author of the USA Today Bestselling book Unlearning Silence: How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent, and Live More Fully (Penguin, 2024).

We’re going to be sharing this episode today, which if you’re listening in real-time, is shortly after President Biden stepped aside, not accepting the Democratic nomination and instead, getting behind his VP Kamala Harris - our country’s first female VP, and first Asian and Black VP as well. 

Today’s episode is focused on acknowledging the contributions of people who came before Ruby Bridges, who we all think of when we think of school integration.  Little did we know that back in 1868 in Iowa, there was a young Black teen who was actually the first known person to integrate a school.  What would happen if we all read children books that included the story of Susan Clark?  How would knowing about our country’s real history, with all its nuances, false starts, hope, and persistence change our understanding of where we are as a country today - and what it really will take to move it forward into a more tolerant, accepting, integrated, supportive, community-driven nation? Maybe it would teach us that history isn’t linear, that backlashes do happen, but that the desire to fight is a sign that we all still hold onto hope, which is really what we need collectively now.

What to listen for:

• What’s so important about understanding real history - in particular, the contribution of girls and women

• What the story of Susan Clark tells us about how change does NOT come easily, does not come linearly, and that history repeats itself.

• Why this story was written as a children’s book

About Joshalyn:

Joshalyn Hickey-Johnson, aka Ms. Rocki, was born and raised in Waterloo, Iowa, and attended Waterloo public schools. She is the mother of two and grandmother of seven. Ms. Rocki took on the challenge of working a traditionally male job at Viking Pump in Cedar Falls, Iowa, and worked there for 30 years. She began writing books featuring real-life experiences from her children’s lives as they were growing up. Her debut book, “GOOD MORNING, LOVEY!” was published in 2005, followed by “Travis It’s NOT Your Birthday!” in 2008. She partnered with Chaveevah Ferguson, serving as a publicist with BaHar Publishing, the first African-American-owned book publishing company in Iowa. She co-authored “Ropes In The Kitchen” with her father, Naaman ‘Jock’ Hickey. Ms. Rocki started NORTH END UPDATE, a weekly live interactive show highlighting good things in her local community and featured on Iowa Public Television’s “Greetings from Iowa.” Since 2017, she has worked on the show with her best friend and co-host Chaveevah. Ms. Rocki recently hosted Iowa PBS’s “Juneteenth: THE MOVEMENT.”

So we’ve spoken inspirationally and aspirationally about wellbeing, the power of the pause, about spirituality.

But what if my brain is still going, but I can’t wrap my head around this all – I need some more structure, some more tools, some more intellectual perspective!?

We’ve got a book for you! 

And if you’ve been a longtime listener to the podcast, you know that we very rarely do repeat guests, unless we (a) love them and (b) feel like they’ve got another message to bring to our community. 

Dr. Sue Varma fits the bill for both, and so much more. We’re bringing her back to talk about her new book, Practical Optimism, with excellent frameworks around well-being, how to survive this rollercoaster of a year, and so much more.

What to listen for: 

• A three-point framework on how to make (tough) decisions

• The importance of balancing a life of purpose with a life of joy - yes, busy women, even us! That scale imagery got us… 

• Practical ways to challenge ourselves when we’re not seeing things clearly

• How culture plays into our lives and our sense of belonging

About Sue:

Dr. Sue Varma, one of the nation's foremost mental health authorities, is truly a multidimensional expert. Dr. Varma is an esteemed physician and board-certified psychiatrist practicing in Manhattan for over twenty years, specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy, psychopharmacology, and couples counseling. She is a nationally acclaimed medical commentator and has been at the forefront of some of the most important mental health conversations of the day. From breaking news and documentaries to primetime specials across the major networks, Dr. Varma has been a long-time contributor to the Today Show, CBS Mornings, Nightly News, GMA and has given over 2000 media interviews over the last two decades and has been featured in Washington Post, Time Magazine, NY Times, and numerous health and wellness magazines. Dr Varma is a media advisor and consultant to medical organizations and news groups,  and an internationally renowned keynote speaker across industries. She is a Clinical Assistant Professor of Psychiatry at NYU Grossman School of Medicine.  Dr. Varma’s dedication to mental health is underscored by her pioneering role as the inaugural medical director and psychiatrist of the esteemed 9/11 mental health program at NYU, for which she was awarded a Mayoral Proclamation. She is a two-time Sharecare Emmy Award recipient, the Ivan Goldberg Public Service Award and is a Distinguished Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association (APA), the highest distinction bestowed upon its members. Dr. Varma  was recognized as one of the world’s top five leading health experts by Global Citizen for her contributions during the pandemic. Her new book, Practical Optimism: The Art, Science and Practice of Exceptional Well Being, has not only been resonating with readers in the U.S with rave reviews- Publishers Weekly says "Readers don’t have to bury their heads in the sand to live 'fully and joyfully' in an imperfect world, promises psychiatrist Varma in her buoyant debut." and "Studded with catchy pearls of wisdom, this can-do guide uplifts. Practical Optimism, now available everywhere, was featured in the NY Times twice this year and is now being translated into more than nine languages worldwide.  

Website: www.doctorsuevarma.com, IG @doctorsuevarma, Book: Practical Optimism