Diary of “Crazy”

Trigger Warning!! I’ve been having a hard time the last several weeks and some trauma is reading it’s ugly head making my anxiety have an awesome time. I haven’t felt like talking so today I just needed to unload verses unpack and processing. Honestly, I might need professional help with this one but I’m going to try to work through the rest of today in a healthy way. I’m forcing myself to listen to my body (also a thing I struggle with) and try to finish the day in a positive way, whether I feel it or not something good will come out of today and if it’s not later it started on a healthy note so that’s okay. I needed to vent today and unloading without processing is important too!

Welp… it’s been close to a month and it’s been an adventure. I had a hard time and was feeling a little down on myself recently but I talked with my doctor and have been trying really hard so I decided to be proud of myself instead. I finally am finding some anxiety relief in this transition and found the store that makes this easier. I’m excited to keep working at it and do better but this last month, overall, has been okay. I’m improving and trying which for me is a small win!

I have been very frustrated with myself for handling some high stressors in my life the last couple of weeks and my year this year is about taking care of myself and fostering relationships so… I was frustrated. I have a lot going on and my family is struggling with something that we always know is coming but are never ready for, the decline of a loved ones health. In the past binge eating or “eating my feelings” has been my go to but I decided to process this and come up with better skills to use and put in my own skills kit, only to realize that I already had been using skills kit and was using better than I thought. I realized a couple of things I can add or change but ultimately I allowed myself the grace to be in the trauma and learn through processing my sh*t. Today, I walk you through ways to create a skills kit and challenge you to try it. Our bodies react to trauma and stress differently but why not try to create a safe plan and provide yourself with a coping skills kit. Try it out, I think you’ll appreciate that you did!

Today I wanted to share my experiences with taking anxiety medication and depression meds in the past. I had an epiphany recently that I felt like made sense and aligned with the type of person I’m growing into. Join me in the anxious rambles of sharing my experience and discovering things about myself that were always here but I didn’t have the words for it!

The path to where I’m at has been a long one!! It took me an inordinate amount of time to left go of this pent up anger and begin to heal. I felt like a fraud that people would comment on my positivity and “happy-go-lucky” attitude when I felt it was all an act. I had this mask on where I was avoiding letting go of the pain and appeasing those around me just for me to feel worse at the end of the day. But I did. I did let go and now, I’m working on healing so that I can be a role model. I’m working on teaching my kids how to use a growth mindset, how to overcome everything (at least most) life throws your way and choose to truly find a blessing or learning experience. To truly use adversity to create a better version of me.

I fully intended to jump back in by discussing growth and growth mindset and how I realized something I’d done in a past friendship that I could have done better… however! My mouth and soul needed something else! I have been at my breaking point with my disease this last month or so and apparently I needed to process it! I’m looking forward to finding solutions and trying new things this year. Here’s to a new year with letting go of pain and fighting for solutions!

It’s been a rough couple of days. I didn’t want to post tonight but I think I needed to talk through some of my fears and feelings. It’s a lot of crying and some seriously triggering vibes but today’s episode is definitely more for me.

As our second trimester is starting and my kids are growing, I’m in need of new and (in general) more resources for them. Starting in a brand new classroom threw me for a loop. I severely underestimated how much money classroom games and resources cost. It was time to get some more resources and kinesthetic options for centers in the classroom but that costs money and at the beginning of the month, that adds a little bit of stress to my already anxious brain. It, also, doesn’t help that I have a hard time asking for help and feel the need to solve the world’s problems on my own. It’s scary and I want to provide my kids with absolutely everything they could ever need but my definition of that is vastly different than my wallets or that is truly necessary. I try my best for these kiddos and my school goes out of their way to do everything they can to create the necessary opportunities for every person that walks in those doors but today my failure side won out and I needed to process. I know I’m not a failure and I’m good at what I do, but some days these darn triggers and my expectations of myself do not line up and get the best of me!!

I ran my first 5k and I wanted to share. My body definitely wanted something else but this time I was going to win. I had a painful but super fun experience and can’t wait to do it again! I may or may not have overshared but what else is new! My body is definitely a conundrum but we live with what we got and work around obstacles.

I’m on cloud nine right now. Before I had a rough hormonal dip at the end of September I realized how far I’ve come and just how truly proud of myself I was. However, hormonal depression took over and pushed me into fraud zone feelings but I processed on my own and tried to ride out the dip to the best of my ability and found something to push me through: KEEPING MY WORD TO MY KIDS! I told my kids I would run with them next season and I needed to work to get there. In accepting and deciding to hold true to my word, I found more peace and an understanding of the true beautiful badass inside. I’m a strong lady and I’m beyond proud of myself!! I can’t wait to hold true and continue to grow into the best version of the beautiful badass I am!