Diary of “Crazy”

For a very long time I’ve struggled with feeling trapped and not self-sabotaging or creating more problems. Today, I had an anxiety win! I was able to process and articulate my way through the anxiety of feeling trapped. Being able to process through this and not having to solely depend on my partner to solve the problem meant the world to me. I’m super proud of myself and I got to live through my motto of laughing, thinking, and crying. And it was one heck of a day!

Sometimes we all know that anxiety can get the best of us. Especially when there are some past issues that like to rear their ugly heads. I’ve been struggling recently with having a relapse of my eating disorder because of medical barriers that I have in place at the moment. I know with processing there’s a way to make and find a solution but the FEAR IS REAL!

I had a visitor tonight!! My bestie came to unpack some feelings around our pregnancy experiences and now how we can sometimes struggle with the excitement of other pregnancies. We had struggles with pregnancy in our own ways but now we’re getting to be Aunties more and more!

Back to school season is here and this teacher is freaking out. I just want it to be a good year but I have so much more to get done before my kiddos get here. I have so much to look forward to but I needed a freak out moment. Anxiety is on high but it’s going to be a great year!!

Join me in trying not to weird myself out by talking PERIODS. Mine, specifically… And the fact I know nothing about my body. Reproductive disorders can be frustrating. And while I thought I just needed to goofily complain, I found I did need to process a frustrating and hurtful emotion. Grief. Thanks reproductive system! This one might be just for those who suffer through periods but everyone is welcome to laugh along with me!

Imagine someone’s name pops up on your phone or you hear their voice and you immediately get angry… that’s what I mean by disturbing your peace. Join me in unpacking my feelings towards people disturbing my peace and how to find a solution to giving them the power to control my emotions. It is a process and it is hard but finding a solution for ourselves actually creates a new peace!

Today’s episode is wholeheartedly about being fat phobic towards myself. There’s a lot of unpacking of my weight journey. I’ve struggled with eating disorders for several years and it’s taken a toll. I’m working on it and I’m trying to be better about forgiving myself and letting myself be scared. Join me in unpacking the fear of being fat that has been attacking my person!

You ever made a comment about something in a social situation and realize it was totally inappropriate or not PC? Yeah, that’s 95% of my life! Sometimes my trauma response can definitely come off as crude and joking about serious things can seem insensitive, however, for me it’s not meant to be that way. I almost made a horrible comment that could have potentially hurt my partner so I realized I should probably unpack this coping skill a bit!

It’s not like that! Get your mind out of the gutter! (Don’t worry, I internally giggle every time I say it too!) Join me in unpacking my frustrations with my body and my ability to be… I want so much to care for the world but my body, and therefore my mind, is just not there right now! Is it frustrating and hurtful? Sure, now I’m just trying to find a way to get through it since it’s a conscious realization.

I did some research. I reviewed some opinions. I have some thoughts. Roe V. Wade being overturned has given me a lot to think about and unpack. Roe V. Wade gave me a choice. It allowed me an option, but now? What is next? Worries. Fears. Control. Depression. Health. What clue next? Join me in unpacking my thoughts and feelings on this Supreme Court choice.