Diary of “Crazy”

Hopefully I still have y’all after putting you on blast but… I’m so freaking proud you of! I’m so blessed to call you my friends! I’m honored to share in your journeys through this crazy thing we call life. You three are a huge reason I am the person I am and I can’t wait to share that forever! I love you more than words (or tears and giggles) could ever express!!

Parenting doesn’t always come with a book. Parenting through poverty, especially, does not seem to come with a book. I’ve watched so many parents struggle through how to take care of their children and maintain safety for themselves (and their families). Sometimes I seriously struggle to allow for my feelings to not get in the way and check my privilege but I fail a lot. It happened the other day again and it brought forth several thoughts on something I felt was important to process. The lack of education and accessible resources for families in poverty blows my mind. I’m not sure how to help but I want to try to be an advocate and find a way to help.

After hearing several situations come up in the last couple of weeks on medical needs being met and some personal issues not being dealt with… I’m fed up with healthcare. I know it’s a sticky road and I’m ignorant in a lot of areas but someone may explain it to me if they have more information because not providing emergency services or children’s support care, and more, blows my mind. The cost of seeing mental health professionals is astronomical, for what? Someone please educate me because the lack of support for the most needed populations is ridiculous to me.

September 11th hits different for us. I never really processed a lot from today and I think it finally decided to boil over. You were a huge inspiration for me and I hope I can make you happy! I hope I’m giving your memory the energy and fight you gave.

Something I’ve always struggled with is picking myself in a situation when I know it’s not healthy or safe for me. It took me a lot of red flags to finally acknowledge there was truly a problem. Sometimes even when it hurts, it’s best to just let things go. Setting boundaries and allowing people out of your life is an important part of life. Don’t be afraid to take that step, too!

Hangry? Sad? Mad? Home sick? You don’t know? Yeah, well, me either! I used to hate my mood swings. I used to be very embarrassed by them but I’ve learned to love these little boogers! I walk through my process of accepting my mood swings and addressing the root cause. Sometimes, it sucks to spend time figuring stuff out but mood swings tell us, IT IS PRETTY IMPORTANT!

It’s been a rough several days. I’m struggling a lot with my inabilities. I’m struggling a lot with forgiving myself and allowing myself a break. I’m frustrated with the ignorance around chronic pain disorders and disability. I’m not solving any problems today but I definitely feel a little lighter now that I articulated and cried out some of my struggles and frustrations.

The brain fog is real today!! I’m stressed about being stressed and stressing over meeting my kiddos needs. I can’t help but laugh but sometimes rambling is the only way to process through all of the “fires” in my head. I just want to be the best teacher for my kiddos and support my friends but I also, don’t always know what do do and when. So I ramble and come up with action steps!

This past week was a rough one for me. Between school, chronic pain, and anxieties kicking my ass, I didn’t know if I would make it to Friday. Rationally, of course I knew I could push through but my body was trying very hard to make the rational out to be wrong. I am frustrated with my body and hurt with my inability but I was able to process through and come up with an action goal. Here’s to finding a solution and making myself have a better week!

Abuse and trauma does not always present itself in a way we can realize. Sometimes it takes going through abuse or trauma to recognize all the unhealthy. Sometimes it takes talking about abuse and trauma to recognize what you could have seen or reg flags. We can now recognize boundaries that we thought we’d set for ourselves and now we do need to hold firm. Abuse and trauma have an amazing way of teaching us how to respect and love for the future. Sometimes abuse and trauma cause so much anxiety that could harm or effect future relationships. And most of all, how do we protect ourselves now?