Remember last week, when Tony got really unnecessarily worked up about bears? WELL NOW YOU'LL KNOW WHY. Join us as we venture into the deep past, to a time when the mammoths still roamed these lands, to hear a the completely boring and pretty pointless pair of stories. Woo.

Important Questions:

How many older Disney movies did these films straight-up steal from?

How gross is it to watch a woman and a bear fall in love?

Are dogs like small bears?

Keep and ear out for Tony railing into some wedding scenes while Andy laughs at a sitcom joke.

Our outro music is Theme from Penguins on Parade by Lee Rosevere.

Find us on twitter!

Andy is @royalty_valens

Tony is @theaterbats

In our first review of a non-Disney movie, we fall into the pit of despair and misrepresentation that is Balto and Balto 2. On the other hand, that does mean we have a podcast episode titled "Wolf Quest," so that's pretty cool.

Important questions:

Why do we talk about race relations so often?

Why did they make Balto half wolf?

Why do bears keep popping up in these movies?

Who is Wolf Jesus?

Keep an ear out for Andy and Tony aging rapidly as the result of having to watch and review a bad, bad movie.

Our outro music is Theme from Penguins on Parade by Lee Rosevere.

Find us on twitter!

Andy is @royalty_valens

Tony is @theaterbats

We can only assume that if you're still listening to this podcast then you really love hearing us talk about race and Star Wars. Well DO WE HAVE AN EPISODE FOR YOU!

Important questions:

How removed is the wizarding community from their non-magical counterparts?

How do you write a story that people like without knowing why?

Who Finn gon' fuck?

Keep an ear out for Tony almost but not quite bursting into song while Andy refrains from talking about his fan theories.

That's enough controversial opinions on Batman movies. This week, we talk about how bad Suicide Squad was, which leads to us talking about video game portrayals versus movies, and then historical figures because why not.

Important questions:

What city did the original Assassin's Creed game take place in?

What was the last decent portrayal of Harley Quinn?

Are there too many white guys in video games?

Keep an ear out for Andy disparaging sexist censorship in video games while Tony gets overwhelmed by his pronunciation of "Quebec."

We all remember when Andy decided he wanted the wrath of the Internet to rain down on him by claiming The Prisoner of Azkaban was the best Harry Potter Movie. Well now it's Tony's turn, as he rants ad nauseum about Nolan's Batman trilogy.

Important questions:

What does everyone know about Batman?

Why was Batman v Superman so bad?

How do you pronounce "Ra's al Ghul?"

Keep an ear out for Andy sighing loudly whenever Tony says he doesn't like The Dark Knight, while Tony is quietly surprised about stuff Andy's been mad about for months.

Our outro music is Theme from Penguins on Parade by Lee Rosevere.

Find us on twitter!

Andy is @royalty_valens

Tony is @theaterbats

That's enough double-length Rogue One talk for us! Time to get down to the nitty gritty! Time for that REAL TALK that you all listen for.

Important questions:

Is Disney beginning a new Renaissance?

What are Tony and Andy's eating habits?

What is art?

Keep an ear out for Andy disliking Frozen for some reason while Tony enjoys five seconds of silence.

Our outro music is Theme from Penguins on Parade by Lee Rosevere.

Find us on twitter!

Andy is @royalty_valens

Tony is @theaterbats

Hello, Internet! We have STAR WARS OPINIONS. That's right. Everybody sit down, prepare for some serious spoilers, and listen to us argue about whether or not puns are good characterization.

Important questions:

Why is Alan Tudyk in every episode of this podcast now?

Is the force a religion?

Why isn't this a regular Direct to Video episode?

Keep an ear out for Andy getting the heebie-jeebies from a dead actor's face while Tony not-so-subtly references Hamilton again.

Our outro music is Theme from Penguins on Parade by Lee Rosevere.

Find us on twitter!

Andy is @royalty_valens

Tony is @theaterbats

My dear sister,

I have assured that no one will be listening to this podcast by staging a violent disagreement with my co-host in our last episode. The audio file you will find here was meant only for your ears. However, since I know our enemies may always be listening, I have coded your message between talks of even more Unfortunate Events, Jessica Jones, Jack London's writing style, and an unlikely fan theory. It is my hope that you receive this message before our enemies close in.

Please send your response to the place where it is still quiet. If you must contact me through mundane means, you can do so on twitter at @theaterbats, or my co-host at @royalty_valens. Our trusted associates who control those accounts can find us. Do not contact Lee Rosevere, the person who wrote our outro music "Theme from Penguins on Parade," as he is being watched.

Dear Listener,

No doubt you have chosen to listen to this podcast under the impression that it portrays two friends having a lively discussion about something pleasant, like penguins, or those little balls they put in bingo machines. This is not the case. In the almost thirty minutes that this podcast lasts, its hosts talk of such miserable things as child actors, Alan Tudyk, movie directors, and two separate book series in which love, courage, and intelligence is not enough to save one's parents, no matter how desperately you want to ask them about the mysteries surrounding your life.

We are sworn to make and edit these podcasts, but you have no such duty. If I were you, I would delete this podcast immediately and find one that doesn't have the music "Theme from Penguins on Parade" by Lee Rosevere as it ends, and whose hosts do not lurk about on twitter at @royalty_valens and @theaterbats.

With all due respect,

Tony Robusto

Are you ready for a good old-fashioned down home country good time? Then have we got a movie for you! Join Andy, Tony, and dog-Patrick Swayze as they wash the bittersweet taste of the first movie out of their mouths with literally the same song sung three times in the same movie. Not counting credits.

Important questions:

Bears: too terrifying?

Are there any two characters that Andy won't mix up?

How many happy lines can we ruin with even the most basic of context?

What are the physics of the Ferris wheel?

Keep an ear out for Andy building his entire identity around mispronouncing the word entourage while Tony battles Hollywood's monopoly on foreshadowing.

Our outro music is Theme from Penguins on Parade by Lee Rosevere.

Find us on twitter!

Andy is @royalty_valens

Tony is @theaterbats