Don't Sit There. It's Wet.

In grade school, Cole's friends, Jacob and Jeff, used to slap their testicles against their bodies in Driver's Ed.  Their favorite teachers back then were the mean ones cause they embarrassed the dumb bullies all the time.  They discuss doctors back in high school and how many drugs they would irresponsibly hand out.  Cole used to make phone calls and texts late at night while on Ambien and not remember a thing the next day.  People...stop getting perms for your hair--they're awful and they'll never change.  They talk Texas Chainsaw Massacre on Netflix...Fede Alvarez wrote the story, so it's actually watchable.  At this point in our conversation, Cole is getting very blitzed, so he loses his filter.  We move on to talk about 'YouTube Makeup Influencer' culture and the regurgitated garbage that people are finally getting sick of.  Why does Gwyneth Paltrow make people hate her so much?  We have yet another reason to, unfortunately.  Spirituous, rousing, motor driven...tonight we're turnt and spirits were drained.  

Cole and JJ aren't growing up, being respectful, or even decent today.  Cole got a new Basset Hound he's thinking of starting a cool YouTube channel for.  He hates people who say "animals just like me more than everyone else", FYI--it's obnoxious to say.  JJ has a lot of factoids about Gen Zs and Valentines Day--20% apparently buy gifts for more than one partner.  JJ really came loaded with facts about Valentine's Day and other romantic holidays around the globe.  They're such Millennials, they'd rather be town drunks than hop on TikTok for more than a few minutes.  The amazing pile of garbage flick, Supernova, somehow inspired the artwork today.   What do you want out of the next Scream?  We're all kinds of confused about what we want/need from the next chapter.  Cole's 4th grade teacher knew Warwick Davis (Leprechaun) personally and never shut the f*ck up about it.  BTW...Cole's favorite flavor of LaCroix is...by far...unflavored.  All this and so much more...elevated, enraptured, intoxicated--come hang with us if you can freestyle.  

We begin our 30th episode with a dash of vulnerability.  Cole bravely admits what he and his twin brother did to a Manhattan apartment when they were practically children; they call it the hatching--and the building wasn't happy about it.  Moving on...disgusting sex stories aren't anything new here, but they are a' plenty today.  When women get 'handy' with JJ, their nails apparently take off a layer of skin at times.  Plus...we talk body shaving in depth.  Cole would rather work at Walmart than shave his crotch; the itching is unbearable.  JJ, on the other hand, has been shaving his arm pits since he was a teen--we get into all this in more detail than many people would like, plus much more.  People go through a second puberty at 30...I think we've reached a new level of stupid we're rather proud of.  Simpleminded, out to lunch, and deeply satisfying.  No more words...

"If you have an ounce of common sense and one good friend, you don’t need an analyst.” — Joan Crawford.  Cole starts pre-gaming (6 shots) before JJ comes over to hang, leading him to be especially spicy today (apologies to sober sisters and those easily triggered).  JJ is a professional from way back—seriously, don’t order what he orders at a bar if you enjoy not blacking out before you get home.  They ponder disgusting questions of the world this narrator would rather not put into print, and would make Joan Crawford blow chunks.  Joan called Liz Taylor a “spoiled, indulgent blemish on public decency.”  Can you imagine what she’d call this show?  Naked, captivating, and winsome—Cole and JJ take an Advil before bed.  

5cream seems to be satisfying die hard fans pretty well--spoilers WILL happen around 22 mins into this episode.  Cole, being the hardcore fan he is, still made it to the theater in a small Idaho town during a road trip to catch the movie.  That's where he got a new Basset Hound puppy and hasn't slept in almost a week.  He and JJ talk about Larry, a friend from the past used to "leave his mark" in a community cabin toilet over and over without flushing; it caused an uproar amongst the campers and staff.  Cole realizes just how many run-down summer camps he actually went to in the 90s (boyscout, church, band...).  Unnerving, chilling and pig-ignorant, JJ and Cole could leave a mark this week.  

Being proclaimed cannabis connoisseurs, JJ and Cole talk about a device that surprisingly isn't flooding the market, plus some weed stories (for our cannabis lovers out there).  It got pretty hectic in the editing bay this week, as they touched on subjects in some very inappropriate ways.  A guy once told Cole he wanted to have "unbridled, monkey sex" with him and Cole had to wiggle his way outta there.  Cole brings up semen disposal, for some reason.  Gross.  Living in our truths is what we do...plus we assume Andy Cohen is a pure pile of hot human garbage.  'Unbridled', unchecked, and 'monkey-like?'  Also...quirky and off-center; and Cole and JJ don't mind.  

Cole talks likes, dislikes, new education--even new tricks his body is learning when it comes to sex and p*rnography (we apologize); our tastes are always changing and aging, just like our disgusting bodies.  Cole cries out for the attention and love of he and JJ's old boss, Dan*el, yet again--he won't stop.   2019's "The Platform" sparked a new cooking reality show with Gordon Ramsay...why not...We absolutely PROMISE this is the last episode we break into loud devil voices just to be gross and rude.  This entire episode is old skool beyond stupid, mean, and gross.  Spunky, gamey, and plucky--listen up.  

We have a habit of making irresponsible choices during the holidays--Cole, especially.  Whether it's falling asleep with a glass of booze or a lit cigarette in his hand as a teenager (maybe an adult), or downloading and paying for Louis C.K.'s last two specials (questionable behavior).  They're obviously not alone--the sheer amount of people that hit the whiskey section of the liquor store this time of year is maddening.  Also, unsolicited d*ck pics are popping into our IG account; it's actually very sweet.  Keep them coming, so to speak.  Polished, jovial, and frolicsome--we're here for Jesus, mostly.  

Cole had a fight with hot sugar this week and it nearly took his hand--well, it at least needed some medical attention.  Nothing stops Christmas, so after the Peanut Brittle experience, Divinity was quick to follow.  Also, Cole's obsession with convincing friends that obscure celebrities have died/been murdered has an origin story to it.  And back in the day, a local OKC weatherman was infamous for cruising the local gay bars to flex his TV muscles.  JJ famously worked at a waterpark where he battled 2nd degree grease burns, himself, and very fun coworker characters....Ambrosial, fragrant, and delicious--we're at the hard crack stage and ready to be snacked.  

Cole's pug ate a stick of butter and it wasn't pretty.  Since he decided to get another basset hound, he and JJ spend some time revisiting old, messed up pet stories (like Cole's mother, who often returned dead fish to the store for refunds).  The holiday weight has been real and Cole's been feelin' his new, rounder, voluptuous body.  This led to a discussion about school lunches and our friends whose parents were lunch ladies.  Those kids took a lotta shit, just like in the movies...we look forward to a mask-less future when we start hitting up drag shows again...curvaceous, sumptuous, and splendid...we'll let our body types describe tonight's show.