Don't Tell Our Wives: Warm Beer, Cheap Comedy, and News

In this episode, Honch starts us off immediately with a self-proclaimed drug dealer who calls 911 to report a stolen bag of cocaine (If that's not comedy news, we don't know what is). And yes...you heard that right...a drug dealer called the cops because someone stole his cocaine. 32 year old David Blackman called the cops because someone stole money out of his car....and yes, again someone stole the blow out of his car. We wonder if he would try to also get an insurance claim. At the end of the day, he was arrested 'without violence'. He should have probably blamed someone else for that..including him crapping his pants (he didn't do that, but we imagined that it could happen).

After a foiled drug deal, Jethrow finds 'another Brenda' on Yahoo Answers! who wants to know what would be in the loot crate if you died in this very moment....except not in a video game, Brenda wants to know what you would have in yours..but in real life. Ours would include sugar, cell phones, a bag of skittles, and Honch's dignity....and some enchiladas (half shredded chicken and half beef...with extra guacamole and sour cream). Okay let's get real...we somehow always bring up food.

If you're familiar with Bitcoin, you don't want to miss this one. A would be Bitcoin scammer... and let your imagination go wild on this one: A man dresses up like a raccoon to steal Bitcoin. That's right...a conartist was conned. A man had to dress up like a racoon...and you just have to listen to hear the entire story (and Google it 'bitcoin raccoon'). What started as a Facebook message request quickly turned into a fun opportunity...and it's Internet gold. How many times have you been scammed in email...seriously..how many emails have you received from the 'bank of Nigeria'? Because maybe we should turn it around on them too!

After getting away from all the Bitcoin talk, Jethrow gives us another question from Yahoo Answers! And it is from a user's name that we cannot pronounce. We come up with an interesting way to create usernames or passwords as a part of a sidebar, but what they were really interested in was some advice on getting a date while wrapping cutlerly. What we still don't know what 'new sweat' means..is it a good thing, bad thing? We don't really know because there was a lot of broken English in Darrin's quest to get dating advice while standing on a bar..and as we stated earlier, wrapping forks and sporks and spoons and butter knives. We suggest that he should just crowd surf. But we were interuppted by some stabbing...(stabby stab stab).

We come to the end of the episode with a few 'would you rathers' that begins with a terrible Guns N Roses impresion. Would you rather spend the night enclosed in a coffin in your bedroom, or be locked in a funeral home for the night...but be free to waunder? Honch would rather just eat at McDonalds. We were also sidetracked by what sounded like a 21 gun salute...and a bad AC/DC impression from D. We then follow-up with another would you rather....would you pee in your pants in front of everyone, or be unable to stop laughing at your grandmother's funeral. Most of us would end up dead if we did....well all of those things. All in all...we have no idea what just happened.

In this Episode, we have some interesting comedy/funny news things happening in the world, including strippers (it's not what you think), some hobos (we have some explaining to do), and flat-earthers, which is not a Marvel thing.

Honch has never talked about anything in life that has been serious. He talks about 'Bar' a company that makes automotive stripper paint. As it turns out, Honch knows how to fabricate and build stuff, and knows how to work with paint. Growing up in the body shop, he used an aerospace grade stripper - as Honch puts it, don't inhale it. Because, well, people are dying. Honch's wife calls in a bit of a panic because he has used those chemicals. Long story short, he has added to his life insurance policy. And just so everyone is clear, it's not the hot dog company. Somehow we went off into a tangent on how hot dogs are made and how the southern delicacy "Scrapple" is made. And then right back to being serious again because people are dying.

Jethrow ties in Tide pods (try saying that 30 times fast). Whoever thought that we would be getting the whitest of whites internally. Apparently they look appetizing and delicious. C'mon people, don't eat, huff and stuff. That's a serious life tip coming at you.

After going from paint stripper Tide Pods and hot dogs, Jethrow takes us to the deepest pits of the Internet (or Yahoo! Answers), where he addresses a question from the Letter Z (from Sesame Street?). As it turns out he has a friend that takes everything -- and doesn't really know what to do about it; maybe he should just burn his house down? Or maybe he should just go to someone elses house. You can also rent the Honch's basement and have all of the gamer diet you want, including but not limited to Surge, Funions, Jasta, and various gamer diet items. The D tries to describe D&D as Monolopy, but that didn't really work out that well - it's much closer to Everquest (which Honch never spent time playing that.)

After digging out of a battle of wills with D&D players, D goes on to talk about his online encounter with a Flat Eather on a Facebook thread. As it turns out, it isn't that hard to get into arguments with people online, let alone flat earthers. If you try to convince us that the world is a sheet of glass with memes or some 300 mile lake in Russia....we think there is more to it than that. In the end, D was called a 'Globetard'....by the guy.

Once he ended his encounter, D learned about Mike Hughes, who aborted a launch to get a rocket in space with the intent of proving that the Earth is flat. He builds a rocket, launches it (while on it), and aborts it early in the flight, plummeting back to earth (we think the Earth weighs several Quadrillion tons). And this wasn't his first aborted launch....it was his 3rd time - why can't we see Mt. Rushmore from our house - he still can't answer that?

After going after the Flat Earth conversation, Honch was talking about 'Science Christ', which we had no idea what was happening - what in the science? So we've decided that we're going to make a TV show called "What in the Science?". Is Bill Nye only a mechanical engineer? None of us really know, and just so you know, D is still convinced that he has a science degree..and all of the physics.

After getting out of science, we get right into 'not ricing out' an ATV. How should Hunter on Yahoo! Answers customize it? Skulls, ghost flames, and maybe customize it so it looks like a Dinosaur - from Jurassic Park. Then the guys try to create their best impression of a Raptor....which went terribly wrong and right at the same time. At the end of the day, just leave the ATV at Honch's house. And by the way, stop trying to trick people on eBay by keeping the price low and shipping price astronomical.

To cap off the episide, we do some 'would you rather' from one of our favorite books "Zobmondo". They ponder if they would rather have their house ransacked or not...

In this Episode, Steve North finally comes to do his job...and was one of the original Delay Radio comedy creators. This episode was brought to be our own product? 'Delay Cold Symptoms'. Who knew that you could choose when you get sick...and you can imagine the symptoms..like 'burning devil' eyes and 'my face might explode' with a host of flavors! Get yours today...or tomorrow, you pick. Colds have feelings and they are to be respected.

We dive right into the funny news around taking an Uber. Doesn't sound funny to take a $12 ride to the airport? How about getting drunk in an Uber and waking up hundreds of miles away (apparently Jethrow doesn't know how to convert KM to miles)....and meanwhile, something in the background kicks on..we had no idea what it was. Turns out, it was a hot water heater. That said, back to the news..a drunk man tries to raise money to pay for an Uber ride that was significantly higher than what you'd think..we played the 'price is right' with the team to try to guess how much to pay it off (all 500 kilometers of it).

As it turns out, the man tried to raise money online to help pay for it, and perhaps maybe he time traveled. I guess we'll never know. After Steve North mentions time travel from an Uber ride, D talks about a woman in China whose kid locked her iPhone for DECADES. How many decades in 25,000,000 million minutes being locked out. Needless to say she just got a new phone, but it is still funny...hang up the phone. Jethrow explains Steve North to what a 'Yahoo! Answer' is, and finds a gem of an online question that hasn't been answered by the Internet. We decided to answer it for him - long story short, the person is trying to build a website for equality and we tried to come up with catchy phrases. We were at a loss for words...we honestly wanted to be honestly about how to do it right. We just can't. Except for Jethrow, who came prepared with one. Sorry everyone, D can't think of anything except for snacks right now.

Going into more questions, Jethrow wanted to interpret dreams...and boy did he find an interesting one that ended with a trip to Cambodia and pregnancy. What does this mean? We think it has to do with counterfeit alcohol (Google it.) and meeting people at airports. Somehow this can happen over a couple of months. Are dreams premonitions? We took that to nowhere where we can explain, you just have to listen to it. After going who knows where, Jethrow tries to help us rope it in with a story about his job. It's a secret job, and that's okay. He's a 'fill-in' that went into work to cover on his job...and there was nothing to do. He has a close encounter with some coworkers that don't know that he works there - what is he supposed to do? Did they not want him to do it. Long story short..he did an 8 hour job in 4...and was told to hide out at his job. Have you ever been told to hide out? If so, just grab a clipboard. And it isn't official unless you have a clipboard.

In this Episode of Delay Radio, Honch has disappeared into the dark abyss of the Internet and will summon soon. D, Jethrow, and Steve North ponder life; What if you moved to multiple countries, only to be filed as being 'officially dead' in your home country, yet you're an ACTUAL ALIVE PERSON!? Hey sometimes life is comedy, or at least funny news. We talk about what happens when everyone thinks you're dead..and no one believes you...it becomes an international crisis that summons an IHOP competitor.

After the the news wire goes dead, Jethrow digs into questions from the Interweb (Usually Yahoo! Answers), where we talk about Carly (iCarly? no one will know), and her underlying anger from her friend Kate who refuses to stop copying here, including her Hawaiian and Jewish heritage of taking up hula hooping...suddenly Kate is a dancer too? Do you even know how to hula bruh?

We fail at giving Kate advice as to how to handle this with her friend, which may or may not involve shaving her head, tattoos (or maybe something semi-permanent....marker?). Stop copying Carly, Kate. She's the real Carly, all of those other Carlys are just imitating. Somehow all of that is related to the movie Inception...which results in getting the actors in the movie wrong..wasn't Steve Buscemi in that movie alongside Leonardo DiCaprio and Joseph Gordon-Levitt (we didn't really know how to spell his name). Maybe we haven't seen the movie enough to get the faces right.

After giving Kate some advice, D follows up with something happening in the far east, particularly a young boy who decided to go into an Elevator and get 'pissed' in China. Literally. That was enough to break the elevator down. If you push all of the buttons on an elevator, will it eventually work? Who knows, but the kid was caught on camera going frantic after peeing everywhere. Long story short, don't go crazy in an elevator, and don't use it has a bathroom, you'll become a PSA announcement for your local government.

After discussing have a #1 issue in an elevator, Jethrow dives back into questions from the Interweb, Internet, WWW, Deep Web (whatever you call it). 'Say It Like You Mean It' asks what to do staying in a Bed and Breakfast in severe Winter weather, and they are no t sure what to do. We revert back to pissing in the elevator as something to do, and perhaps this is an opportunity to go full 'Shining' being stuck in a snow storm; going full Jack Nicholson. After being thrown off topic, D discusses how far he would go for a cup of coffee...it wasn't a 5 minute ride to the local Starbucks, it was...well several hours. How far would you drive?

We close out the episode with an experimentation in our own limits, as Steven North would say. With awkward vocal harmonies, we ponder being stupid and rich, vs super smart and poor (did anyone think of the Kardashians?). Most of us rather have the money....show us the money, give us all of the riches. And as far as dating goes, have you ever dealt with a very loud talker or someone who constantly stares? Which one would you rather date...maybe Jethrow's game of 'who can talk louder?' is a great dating game.

Jethrow closes us out with one last 'would you rather', involving dressing as a banana or being nude at a formal dinner. It ends out with a terrible dad joke, and that's okay.

In this episode of Delay Radio, we start out with our fake commercial 'Delay Spending'. We'll take all of your money...and spend it the way that it should be done - doesn't that sound amazing? Right after that, we jump right into the news, featuring some stolen gold bars. A man in China 'ferociously' tried to break into a display case at a local department store. We guess whatever else was in the store was of no interest, but as fate would have it, maybe those things would have been worth more (we won't spoil why). Clearly he was 1 in a billion..because China has a lot of people and a lot of men as D had mentioned...and MC Hammer.

After mentioning salt bae...Jethrow takes it right into Yahoo! Answers. A question coming from Brenda, yes..just Brenda. No last name, no pseudo name..just Brenda. We assume she was a girl or woman, but maybe she is Brendan Fraser instead. All that said, Brenda has a dream...about a man sitting in the chair with a pet snake. She described him as the KFC's own Colonel Sanders. We ponder how likely it was the extra crispy man himself, and look into how long it has been since he died. As it turns out, him and John Lennon share a similar time of death; and we ended all of that with an Alanis Morissette reference. We think it's ironic. We tried to figure out what her dream meant, guess we'll never know. We were more interested in the Colonel having a snake that eats buckets of chicken.

On a serious note, Stephen Hawking is dead at 76 (we think we got it right). He may be gone, but we'll never forget him. And by that, we mean finding his voice on the Internet. Trust us, you can find numerous websites that make his voice. Have you ever wondered what it sounded like when Stephen Hawking showed up? Or what it would sound like if he did a Verizon commercial, although D mistakenly calls it a 'Horizon' commercial. Maybe Stephen Hawking will for ever be alive 'beyond the universe'. What was his biggest accomplishment, and why was he initially angry out his voice? While there was science and stuff..behind it all...perhaps everything we believe gets flushed down a big black hole. As Steven North ended it...he was a 'living computer'.

After discussing the late Hawking, Jethrow digs back into some questions from the Interviews -- from some 'no name' on Yahoo! Answers. They asked whether or not using 'all due respect' gives you a free pass to speak freely to someone -- but you're going to get some backlash. But is that really enough? We think not...and maybe they were looking for people try to troll them. But we discuss phrases that are similar to that...and don't take that personally. No offense.

As it turns out, Jethrow had a black hole because he had to take a trip to the dentist. He shares his biggest frustration with trying to talk while getting a procedure done, and all of the questions that they ask you about - and always at the worst time (drilling, the water pick thing, the sunction stick thing). It's hard to talk when that's in your mouth damnit.

With all due respect, that's it.

We offer you a few comedy moments to cherrish during this episode. Did you know that there are cops out there that want you to be drunk, and they will pay? Yes, you read that right. You have the right to remain intoxicated if you spend some time with some Canadian police officers. After walking the fine line of the sobriety test, we go onto discuss macaroni and cheese and how it relates to sex fails. Who knew that macaroni and cheese could be so dirty. We don't stop at little pasta noodles, the Honch spoon feeds more sex fails, including his own story...handcuffs not sold separately.

Before we dove into some other news, there was a 'mic failure' but it happens. And when you go to Vegas, you should probably do so during Halloween, because you end up wearing a skeleton costume with an inflatable (you guess it). And we close it out with our 'would you rather segment', and there was a lot of gagging over the microphones...sorry about that. We may or may not keep you from eating bacon bits ever again in your life. But we won't ruin Poutine for you. So satisfying.

We have to ask...how long does it take you to realize that you've been shot in the head? A woman had a headache....well, for awhile...and the boyfriend is going up against assault charges..and a host of what seems to be lesser charges than "attempted murder". She didn't remember being shot.....what?

After we discuss the incident involving the brain of woman, we go on to discussing two brains. Two men go into brain surgery in Africa...one really needed it, the other didn't need it at all. In fact, he was only there what seemed to be a slight headache. What was wrong with them and how did it happen? We hope that their bills are covered...but we're not going to lose our heads over it.

Have you ever shopped using the Wish app? If you have, there is a lot of weird stuff on there, and what is even worse is the ads you get on Facebook. Ever get an ad for a CNC machine, camera pen, light bulb connectors, and sex toys all-in-one? Honch shows us his Facebook ad from the Wish app, and everything they have to offer, which according to Honch, a lot goes into your butt, such as the Black Mamba (which is a constrictor by the way). D gives you a snapshop of the ads he gets..and they aren't all that different.

Once we're done talking about of the weird stuff you find while shopping the Wish app, have you ever just wondered how many beads they clean up during Mardi Gras? We know the number, and it is a ton (actually a lot of tons). Once we ponder the amount of garbage that comes from Mardis Gras, we go right into 'would you rather'. As the episode comes to an end, we were forced to talk about our moms, and pondered what would happen if we ever wronged the Hell's Angels. But it didn't stop there...what if we had to eat the skin on a coffee cup that was left out?

We go full moron with new show addition Mike Honcho..aka 'Honch'. First, Honch takes us knee deep into his love of obscure sexual news...located in the pits or bowels of the web, or better known as the taint or angry spider of the Internet (in his words). As it turns out, a lot of condoms are made in China..and it doesn't really go over well in the country of Zimbabwe (D didn't really know that it was in Africa) they are a bit snug. Side discussion..the number of Octomom's kids maybe related to video game bits (8-bit,etc)...or the Big Montana from Arby's? Somehow that's connected..but you'll hear how that plays out. Maybe...maybe not...Furthermore, Honch goes on to ponder his own existence and how it may have been stopped. We also learned to not Google "BBC".. and it's not the British news. We learned it the hard way, not the easy way.

We couldn't leave the 'sex' topic off the table after the BBC incident, so have you ever wanted a snack after sex? You see people smoke and have cigarettes in the movies afterwards...we like snacks. There is a sex toy that handles the whole situation for you, and you'll be delighted with whatever the delicatessan brings you; you'll be looking to dine and dash AS SOON AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE (c'mon 2 day shipping). And since we're talking about food...how about some killer cheesecake? As it turns out, after a host of charges, a Russian woman poisons her own sister with cheesecake and acts like it never happened (after the sister survived). We learned a lot...needless to say you will too. And just like any food in life, it's a mouthful.