Driven to Drink

This is my Paul’s Boutique. Kind of. Like, if Paul’s Boutique is this mosaic:

Then “Spread Love” is this one:

But hey, it flows. And I don’t have The Dust Brothers, Mixmaster Mike, or three creative, crazy, and musically adept Jewish boys from NYC. I got me. And a bunch of freeware.

(Please note, there is an odd cut at 11:25, not 10:14 as I indicate in the introduction. You might not even notice it. I think I did well with the cut and a moderately parallel topic shift.)

In this podcast, we use the following bit of awesomeness to transition between tracks, Spread Love (The 45 King Remix).

So what did we drink? Jen enjoyed a variation on my Ginetto, which is a variation on a gin and tonic. It had Bombay gin, Jack Rudy syrup,Fever Tree Bitter Lemon, Scrappy’s grapefruit bitters, and Gran Gala and Amaretto liquors. Greg, simply Maggie’s Farm spiced rum with a dash of Scrappy’s orange bitters and a splash of Maggie’s Farm house made Falernum.

So what did we discuss? 1. Accidentally punching yourself in the nuts. Bad news. Jen contemplates female equivalents of this infuriating and painful event in a man’s life. 2. Jen asks, “Do home thieves wear khakis and polos?” And we concluded that one should never tell a stranger precisely where one lives and that one’s dog is a horrible guardian. 3. We learn that the 45 of “Sexual Healing” that played so prominently in the Middle School Erections post has been unearthed. Should this be framed, or burned? 4. We close part one with a trip down memory lane, discussing Jim Varney and his role as Ernest in a surprising number of hackneyed, shticky, unwatchable movies…that Greg adored as a child.

“Seaman.” It’s a funny word. Our friend Damon is a seaman. Say that out loud. It’s funny. You might not like to admit it, but you know it’s true. You, too, can be a seaman.

We close this thing out with two minis. First, a “hair rant.” You see, getting a proper hipster do ain’t nearly as simple, or cheap, as the monthly shave-down. Finally, “Living that South Cackalacka Life,” recording in the car on the way to Edisto Island, SC. Michael Rapaport, this one’s for you. (Indeed, at the 28:35 mark, we make the car’s hands free say some stone cold truth.)

We present to you, “Spread Love.”

And we’re out.

In a world….

…where exceptionally comfortable underwear is a reality…

…and any person can self-publish and podcast…

…there was one man, and his three friends, who dared to take a filthy-as-hell jingle created by a stand-up comic, expand the lyrics, and record it acoustically…

…here you have the evidence of that world. For better or worse.

Here it is.

Yep.

Fact: MeUndies are the most comfortable underwear that Greg has ever experienced. Buy some.

Fact: Bill Burr is hilarious, as is his Monday Morning Podcast. Watch his specials on Netflix and listen to his podcast.

Fact: What you are about to hear is a shit-show…a shit-show of hilarious and raucous proportions. You really ought to listen.

The music you’ll hear at the end is a wonderful remix by Chad Jackson, called, “Hear the Drummer Get Wicked.” Truly wicked.

This is it, folks…the MeUndies Sessions.

Hello good people of Earth. Here you will find a podcast in which, for the first time, we record using microphones on the Zoom H4. Unfortunately, the device shit the digital bed (…with zeros, ones, AND number twos…) on the first recording. But we persevered and got a good conversation signed, sealed, and delivered. Furthermore, we figured out a low budget method of sound-boarding (…it’s like water boarding but for your ears and, perhaps, not so tortuous…) and music-playing with Jen connecting her phone to our bluetooth speaker then putting her microphone next to said speaker. It’s an indication of things to come when we can afford proper microphones, integrated hardware and software, and our own recorder.

Given our standard vocal mics (…borrowed from a cappella groups past, thank you very much M.L. and Evolushun…), Jen needed to remember to always hold the thing like an ice cream cone, or, better yet…well, a penis. As one’s head moves, so must one’s microph…allus. Additionally, Kate thought the mics were laser lights. So that was fun times.

So what about the booze?!

Greg has Southern Tier Compass, and gives it a resounding thumbs up. It is bottle conditioned imperial sparkling ale brewed with rose hips and citrusy hops. Fun, huh? ABV: 9.0% Very fun!

Jen enjoys Lagunitas Hop Stoopid, which is the best cheapest IPA on the market by fucking far. Don’t let the “cheapest” dissuade you, it stands up to much more expensive beers, but it’s in the vicinity of $5 for a 22 ounce bottle at our local grocery store. This has become our “go to” IPA.

So what about the episode?!

We explore locals ordering “Eye-talian” food using a pseudo-accent at the Olive Garden; Paul McCartney whoring himself out to play shitty, uncreative chords under Kanye West’s auto-tuned vocals (Four Five Seconds, click at your own risk, particularly if you have even a modicum of respect for Sir Paul); Greg’s preference for Yoko Ono over Kanye West (…who seems to be Paul McCartney’s Yoko Ono…); and the wonderful & hilarious Sister Veronica-Pooh Nash Poleate with her sound advice (ambiguity intended) for Summer beach vacationers.

The featured intro music is composed and performed by a dear friend R.J. It’s called “I Can Read Your Mind.” The outro music is the “That’s the Shark’s House” remix, brilliantly done by Brett from LA. Nothing like a good viral video remix to get you in the mood for fun! So listen, and have some. Fun, that is. And booze.

(BTW, we did not heed Sister Poleate’s advice and obviously did not get ate up by a shark during our recent vacation to South Cackalacka, though we spent plenty of time in the ocean.)

-G

After having watched “The Last Waltz” (…this link is for the actual concert, not the movie. The movie is also worth your time…and on Netflix…) and then “Ain’t In It for My Health,” also easily obtainable, Greg became mildly obsessed with Levon Helm, drummer and lead singer for “The Band.”

On this evening, Greg punched up “The Band” on Pandora and let the vibe roll.

Unfortunately, that vibe carried him straight on to a soap box, which Jen entertained…until she didn’t. Sometimes she deserves a congressional medal of patience.

This episode is the genesis for both the “Protect the Badge” (Part 1,Part 2, Part 3) and “Grill Skill” posts.

On this evening, Jen punched up “The Departed” (De-pahh-ted) and Greg was taken by the alignment of two disparate Martin Scorsese flicks. But mostly, he said, “microprocessors” a lot. (My-crow-prahw-cessuhs)

This episode’s beer of choice is Duclaw “Sweet Baby Jesus,” and sweet baby Jesus is it good.

This episodes highlighted music includes: “Tupelo Honey” by Van Morrison, “The Weight” covered by Joe Cocker, “Up on Cripple Creek” and “When I Paint My Masterpiece” both by The Band and both spotlighting Levon Helm, and “Mean Old World” by Duane Allman and Eric Clapton. Have fun, kids. Good, clean, responsible…oh fuck all that, have fun!

-G

You combine this with last week’s podcast, “Be a Rockstar Home Bartender – The Highball,” and the previous week’s, “Tasting Whiskey,” and you are sure to be well on your way to bringing joy and inebriation to your friends and family!

Things you should also have:

1. “Tasting Whiskey” by Lew Bryson
2. “Bitters” by Brad Thomas Parsons
3. Local booze and bitters. This includes: Wigle Whiskey and Maggie’s Farm Rum if you're from Pittsburgh...which I obviously am.  But wherever you live, I encourage you to find a craft distillery and get some aged and/or spiced hooch.  Otherwise, have your favorite whiskey and rum on hand.

Today…The Old Fashioned. Three ingredients: Syrup (water + sugar), whiskey (rum will also do the trick), and bitters. You add citrus to this mix, then vary those elements and really the possibilities are almost endless. In this episode, we drink several old-fashioned cocktails and we even venture into the land of the Manhattan. We discuss how to vary and diversify all elements of the basic cocktail, and we give you music to boot.

Today’s selections include John Lee Hooker with, “One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer,” and The Blues Brothers with, “Hey Bartender.”

We’re still learning Audacity and finding ways to polish this podcast toward some semblance of professional. We appreciate you coming along with us, and for your trouble I’ll share with you this recipe:

Maple-Rumaretto
(This is a variation on an old-fashioned cocktail. For this recipe you’ll need:)

>> Real maple syrup (No Aunt Jemima in my cocktail!)
>> Favorite spiced rum
(I certainly suggest either Maggie’s Farm Spiced Rum or Wigle Landlocked Spiced)
>> Favorite Amaretto
>> Aromatic and citrus bitters
(Again, I suggest Wigle Aromatic and Pomander Orange…though Angustora will certainly do.)
>> An orange from which you’ll cut a sliver of rind
>> A rocks or old-fashioned glass (or small water glass)
>> A pint glass
>> A cocktail strainer (or table spoon)
>> Standard shot glass
>> Ice
>> Spoon

Set the smaller glass to the side. In the pint glass add 2 shots of rum, 1 shot of amaretto, 1/2 shot of maple syrup, & 5 drops of each bitters. Fill the glass with ice and stir so that the liquid gets nice and cold. Using either a cocktail strainer (…you can get this anywhere, including Walmart and Target or Amazon…) or a table spoon, pour the liquid contents from the pint glass into the smaller glass WITHOUT THE ICE. You’re holding the ice back. Twist the orange rind, rub it around the rim of the glass and drop it in. Enjoy.

Folks, have fun with this!

I remember the first time I modified a drink. It occurred well before my 21st birthday. Somebody introduced me to the “Fuzzy Navel,” a sweet, thick combination of orange juice and peach schnapps. Today I get reflux just thinking about it. But then, it was a damn epiphany. I remember getting my hands on vodka, perhaps from my parents’ liquor cabinet, but most likely from Anthony’s parents’ liquor cabinet. (We all have that friend or two whose parents aren’t really drinkers but who still keep a full bar. These are the very people who don’t pay much attention to said bar, and we were just the teens to capitalize on that.) I made a Fuzzy Navel, and then I splashed in vodka. It tasted no different but it got us where we wanted to be significantly more quickly. I deemed it a “Hairy Navel.” It all starts there, with the Hairy Navel.

(NOTE: You can use a high quality vodka to make just about any mixed drink pack a more powerful punch without sacrificing flavor. What do I mean by “high quality?” You ask. I certainly don’t mean a $30+ bottle. Those are way too expensive. Vodka is, by definition, grain-neutral. That means it should taste and smell like just about nothing. That’s it. To some extent, talking about more or less delicious vodka is like talking about more or less delicious filtered water. I realize there are taste savants out there who really can discern seemingly imperceptible differences of “neutral” gradation…but for most of us with average palates, the argument is entirely bunk. There are several vodkas that fit the bill of high quality AND phenomenal value. These include: Absolute, Russian Standard, Penn 1681, and Tito’s, among others. All of those vodkas are easily obtainable for approximately $20. You really do NOT need to be spending $30 or more on vodka. You can even amp-up your wine by splashing a little of the clear stuff. Really, you can. Try it. Just a little, though. Remember, we’re grown-ass, sophisticated people now. No shots, no Mad Dog, no quarter drafts, and vodka with moderation, please!)

Across the course of my life as a casual drinker, I’ve gradually shifted from indiscriminate cheap-drunk to exceptionally discerning buzz-seeker…and I’ve become the de facto mixologist of my family, friends, and immediate neighborhood.

In this podcast, I propose that any person can become a rock star home bartender with absolutely minimum equipment, without having to spend extravagant money on ingredients, and with the knowledge of just two drink categories and the seemingly innumerable variations therein.

Today we start with the “Highball.” Booze, bubbly, and ice. That’s it. That’s the foundation. Super simple. It’s a fun journey with Jen inserting her usual wit, wisdom, and ball-breaking. It’s a crowd favorite, or so I’m told.

We also reference Brad Thomas Parsons (Twitter feed) and his book, “Bitters.” It’s worth getting this book, as it provides a wonderfully written history of bitters then launches into drink recipes, including anecdotes and historical notes. This book can serve as your sole reference for a while, and really the writing is exceptional.

Before signing off, I’m going to share two of my recent modified recipes. Both of these drinks have become crowd favorites among my circles. Here goes:

1. The Ginetto
This is a variation on a classic gin and tonic, a staple “highball.” You’ll need the following ingredients, all of which are easily obtainable:

> Favorite London Dry Gin
(Our favorites, in decreasing order, are: Hendrick’s, Bombay Sapphire, Bombay, Beefeater, Bluecoat)

> Favorite Amaretto
(We use Disaronno, which is the most readily accessible “premium” amaretto.)

> Tonic water
(We use “Fever Tree,” available at many grocery stores. They use filtered water, cane sugar, and real quinine. You can also use the more traditional brands, but I avoid these because of chemical flavorings and high fructose corn syrup.)

> Angostura orange bitters
(Easily accessible in grocery stores and typically only $8 per small bottle. You can search around, however, because the market is now flooded with bitters of all sorts. Pittsburgh’s own Wigle Whiskey produces, among it’s bitters variations, a wonderful “Pomander Orange.”)

> 1 lime

> Ice

> Pint glass (or something “large”)

> Long spoon

> Standard shot glass

Fill glass with ice (…crushed or whole, to preference…), squeeze the juice of one full lime into the glass, put in two shots (approximately 2.5 ounces) gin and one shot (approximately 1.25 ounces) amaretto. Fill the rest of the glass with tonic water, then put in the bitters …3-5 shakes. Stir and serve.

2. The “Aaargh”
This is a variation on a rum and coke, another classic “highball.” I pronounce it like a cartoon pirate, because this drink makes me feel like a pirate. You’ll need the following:

> Favorite spiced rum
(I prefer two local spirts here. First is Wigle Landlocked spiced. In position “1A” is Maggie’s Farm Rum Spiced. Both are available at select Pennsylvania wine and spirits stores and they can be obtained online. However, use whatever you love.)

> Favorite root beer
(I prefer “Virgil’s,” which is available in four packs at grocery stores. They make a delicious Stevia version for those of you trying to shift low carb. They also make a specialty “Bavarian Nutmeg,” which is extra delicious.)

> Citrus, molѐ, or chocolate bitters…or all three!
(Again, you can go with the Angostura orange here…but a real “Aaargh” has molѐ bitters. Wigle Whiskey makes a wonderfulversion, and it’s what I use.)

> One-quarter orange

> Ice

> Rocks or double old-fashioned glass (or an 8-12 oz water glass)

> Long spoon

> Standard shot glass

Fill glass with ice (…crushed or whole, to preference…), put in two shots (approximately 2.5 ounces) rum and fill the rest of the glass with root beer. Put in bitters…3-5 shakes. Squeeze in one-quarter orange then twist the rind and rub it on the lip of the glass to get the oils and scents on top. Stir and serve.

Have fun with this people!!

(The intro music is “Cold Beverage” by G Love and Special Sauce, and the outro piece is, “God Moving Across the Face of the Water” by Moby, which, incidentally, is my favorite piece of running music for the very beginning of a long race. Check out both of these artists if you’re intrigued.)

-G

On today’s D2D pod, we take it to the back yard.

You’ll hear the sounds of a crackling fire, active birds, and an excitable Springer Spaniel.

The drink for this meditative mood? Wigle Whiskey Wapsie Valley Corn Bourbon. It deserves ALL capitals and alliteration. Yeah, it’s super good. (You ought to get you some!)

Jen invents, or at least officially introduces into our lexicons, the “smip,” or the smell+sip.

Greg has a bit of a soliloquy. A solilo-G.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy. We present, “In the Quiet Spaces.”

On today’s episode of the D2D Pod, Greg and Jen enjoy Wigle Organic Wapsie Valley Corn Bourbon. Remember, people, bourbon does not need to come from Kentucky, it just needs to be mostly corn…and this stuff is amazing because the distillers used heirloom Wapsie Valley maize, colorful and earthy with the wonderful sweetness recognizable in corn-heavy mash bills.

Here Greg recalls two stories.

First, an overwhelmed, church-dressed, and eventually sweat-soaked Dad and his three children attempted to make their way through the grocery store. Greg had the pleasure of inadvertently following the family through Giant Eagle given serendipity and similar shopping lists.

The moral of this tale: Make sure you’ve established ground rules and a game plan when shopping with your children.

And a secondary lesson: A cookie is a considerably less attractive motivator for a young person than is attention and control.

Next, Greg encountered a cute older couple vacuuming their car at the Get Go…a cute older couple with something disturbing not far below the surface.

The moral of this tale: If your spouse takes a nasty tumble while you’re cleaning the car, immediately put the vacuum down and attend to him/her.

And a secondary, albeit trite yet slightly modified lesson: Be careful when judging a book by it’s cover.

We present to you, “#PutTheVacuumDown.”

Oh boy.

Momma always said, “Drunk is as drunk does.”

Greg does drunk exceptionally well.

Last week, we regaled you with “Drunk Canasta,” the first part of our Cook Forest decompression. This week, “Drunker Canasta.”

The cast iron pizza was amazing, in the Mt. Rushmore of best pizza ever consumed by either Del Duca.

Greg can’t find his Lincoln Hawk shirt. Problem is, the world meets nobody halfway. Outside of Stallone, perhaps only Kenny Loggins truly understands this. It’s like a testosterone enhanced Hallmark card. Watch it. Jesus, that guitar solo gets me every time. (Norris understands. Don’t you, Earnest?)

Jen becomes annoyed with Greg’s infatuation with and use of Snape’s wand.

Greg fucks up the lyrics to, “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” (Kind of like this. Really, you should click that. It’s funny.)

Jen gives Greg a Steelhead education and two young Asian girls show off their catch.

Greg dives on Jen and Kate, now peacefully slumbering, thus concluding this shit show.

Jen finishes strong with, “I’m done with you, fucker fuck face.”

Very alliterative.

Well played, Jennifer. Well played.

We present to you, “Drunker Canasta.”

Jennifer, Gregory, and Kate – the (Jerry) Springer Spaniel, traveled to Cook Forest for a lovely weekend retreat.

Greg purchased Pike Creek Canadian Whiskey, Breckenridge Colorado Bourbon (…no, bourbon does not have to come from Kentucky, it just has to have at least 51% corn in the mash bill and fit the definition of American Whiskey otherwise…), both of which proved to be amazing spirits. Really. You should try them if you have the cash and they’re available.

Jen made jalapeno-infused as well as sage-infused simple syrups and then, along with Wigle bitters, stretched her bartender muscles to make a jalapeno mint julep as well as a blackberry sage old-fashioned. They were exceptional. Really. You should drink them if someone offers.

Kate made noise. Lots of noise. And poo. She’s like a shit factory. (Ultimately, I guess that’s what we all are.)

On the second night, as the pizza dough completed its journey to readiness for Jen’s signature cast-iron skillet pie, after the Del Ducas rose from a three hour nap (“A three hour nap. The weather started getting rough. The tiny cabin rocked. If not for the liquor in the two-man crew. The podcast would be lost.”), and as Greg drank half of each of the bottles of previously mentioned spirits, the Canasta cards came out.

What you are about to hear spans one glorious, often-hilarious, song-filled round. (Take note: This is part one of a split episode. The second part, will you’ll hear next week, occurs well after the game, and well after any amount of sobriety or topical cohesion.)

Greg laughs like the Pillsbury Dough Boy.

Jen wins the hand.

Kate goes down on herself.

We present to you, “Drunk Canasta.”