Children grow up in spite of their parents, and they only really need a few basic tools to realise their potential. Many of us parents experience concern over our parenting ‘skills’ and anxiety over whether or not we get it right. We often under-estimate our children’s abilities, and end up over parenting them. In truth, the essentials are simple, even if they are not easy to implement.

In presentng these ideas my qualifications are my experience. Firstly of being parented, of actively observing my childhood friends being parented, and of noting the various different styles of our parents and the various outcomes of these styles. Also, I have extensively read about parenting and I have enthusiastically and joyfully parented my own children for 10 years. I offer these ideas as food for thought for other thinking parents.

Parenting is hard. It is the most demanding thing we can undertake. If we are paying attention it presents us with an opportunity to reassess our values as well as all of our own shortcomings. It also presents us with a massive lesson in taking responsibility, and a huge opportunity for personal growth. However the greatest thing it offers us is immense joy.

What is the goal of Parenting?

First of all let’s remind ourselves what parenting is aiming to achieve. The Wikipedia definition is this: Parenting or child rearing is the process of promoting and supporting the physical, emotional, social, and intellectual development of a child from infancy to adulthood. Parenting refers to the aspects of raising a child aside from the biological relationship. I would add that parenting has to be about adequately preparing young people for life, ensuring that they are functionally literate. This does of course plave upon parents shoulders the responsibility to know what constitues functional literacy and what needs to be known in order to be prepared for a successful life on earth. Most importantly in this respect is that children need to be able to think for themselves. Any young human being that has acquired this most essential life skill is effectively ‘up and running’.

Let’s assume two things as given before we start. Lets assume as parents that we love our children and want the very best for them. Lets also take as given the provision of security in its basic sense. That is, providing for all the physical needs of children including a secure and stable home environment. Fostering a complete sense security does of course extend into the psychological and emotional, but these needs are specifically addressed by the points below.

Effective parenting means demonstration

Effective parenting is about demonstration. Everyone knows from their own experience that we remember how people are, their way of being, their actions, far more than we remember their words and proclamations. It is expressed another way by saying ‘lead by example’. If words alone were worth anything, we would all remember everything that was ever said to us. But we know that is not the case.

The most powerful teaching is demonstration combined with appropriate words. Occasional well-chosen words stating principles, offering encouragement or explaining reasons are very helpful. But they must be consistent and congruent with the demonstrated action. Most often we hear words, or indeed offer them, in contradiction to demonstrated action. Again, we all know that this combination is empty and meaningless.

If we wish our children to be kind – demonstrate kindness; if we wish our children to read books – demonstrate reading books; if we wish our children to be healthy – demonstrate the practices that lead to health. What ever values we wish to instill, we must demonstrate. The flip side of this is that we have to be mindful of what behaviour we do habitually demonstrate when we are not specifically trying to teach them something – for that is what ou...