We are built for relationship. There is a yearning, need and desire within us for emotional connection with others. In the marriage relationship this can be both an asset and a liability. In this episode of Breaking Bread, marriage and family therapist Kaleb Beyer helps us understand the signs, offense and repair of emotional affairs – when emotional intimacy outside the marriage compromises the covenant of marriage.

Show notes:

Three stages of emotional affairs:

1st Emotional intimacy with another person outside of marriage.

• Deep connection at the heart and emotional level.

2nd Secrecy

• Walls are built between spouses and access to the illicit relationship is sought and protected.

3rd Sexual tension

• Physical relations may or may not be happening. However, there is growing openness to them.

Recovery from emotional affairs.

1st End the illicit relationship.

• The betraying spouse needs to cut off the illicit relationship at any cost.

2nd Boundaries are set.

• The betraying spouse takes full responsibility for the affair. Boundaries are set that will help the betrayed spouse feel safe and stable.

3rd The betrayer grieves their relationship loss.

• The betrayer closes the door on the illicit relationship emotionally. This is done through grieving the loss. This grieving process is best walked through with a friend or counselor and not his/her spouse.

4th Cultivate friendship and emotional intimacy with spouse.

• Over time, with relational repair, trust and emotional intimacy with spouse increases.

5th As a couple, reflect on the context of their marriage.

• The couple learns from the painful experience. What individual and couple dynamics provided the context for an emotional affair? Moving forward, how do we wisely live together to prevent it from happening in the future?