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When it was first brought to our attention that the word "mocktail" might be somehow bad or offensive, we was taken completely off-balance because, to us, it had always been a useful way to identify – on a cocktail menu – that a certain drink or category of drinks did not contain alcohol, but functioned (in a manner of speaking) as if they did.

We set out to investigate this issue to the fullest of my capabilities. This audio essay (and the embedded rant it contains for comic relief) are my way of presenting the debate as I see it, confronting what we understand to be some potentially problematic issues along the way.