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Episode 123: 4 Ways To Deal With The Teacher That Is An "Energy Vampire"
I am a huge fan of 80’s movies. Some of my favorites are Rocky 4, Back To The Future, Ghostbusters, Die Hard, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Top Gun.
However, I am not a fan of scary movies. In fact, two of my least favorite words are “jump scare”
From 2008-2012, the 5 movies in the Twilight franchise grossed more than $1.3 billion. I didn’t want to, but I went with my wife to every single one of those movies. Even though the Twilight franchise was more romance novel than slasher horror flick, those vampires still really freaked me out.
In our private schools, we have our own version of a vampire.
You know the teacher I’m talking about, right?
Well, on today’s episode of The Private School Leader Podcast we are going to discuss 5 Ways To Deal With The Teacher That Is An "Energy Vampire".
I hope that you will listen to the podcast for your weekly dose of motivation, inspiration and PD. Thanks so much for listening and thanks for making a difference!
Mark Minkus
Is it just me or are the parents at our schools getting more demanding and more intense, more often? Dealing with parents is part of the job as we lead our private schools, but it can quickly lead to stress, anxiety and feeling overwhelmed.
Is it just me or are the parents at our schools getting more demanding and more intense, more often? That’s why I created Parent Academy! Now you have a step by step framework that will help you go from feeling stressed and anxious to feeling confident and calm. Over the last 33 years, I have built successful relationships with thousands of parents and I have packaged that knowledge into an online course. Not only that, but after I teach you, I am going to teach your teachers these strategies as well! Parent Academy contains two, 45-minute webinars that are Teacher PD’s with a printable notebook, guided notes and discussion questions. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parentacademy to learn more!
What is your biggest problem right now? I want to hear more about your biggest problem and I want to help you solve it.
Whether your problem is feeling guilty that your family gets what’s left of you at the end of the day, relentless parents, difficult teachers, a lack of boundaries between work and school, feeling overwhelmed, Imposter Syndrome, enrollment or teacher morale, I can help.
I would love to hear more about your biggest problem and I would love to be your coach. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/coaching to learn more about working with me 1-on-1.
Being a private school leader is a VERY difficult job. You have to make hundreds of decisions every day, and you have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, motivate the teachers, deal with student discipline, beat last year’s test scores and come in under budget.
That can lead to you feeling tired, discouraged and stressed out. I’ve been there. That’s why I created THRIVE Academy just for you. THRIVE Academy is a digital course that will help you get out of survival mode and get back to feeling energized at school. To learn more, go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/thrive
I am excited to share with you a new resource and I want to give this to you as a FREE GIFT to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. It is called The 7 Secrets To Improving Teacher Morale. As private school leaders, we are always looking for ways to improve teacher morale at our schools, but it is hard to know where to start. Well, now you have a step by step plan and you can grab it at theprivateschoolleader.com/morale
I want to give you a FREE gift called 7 Strategies To Effectively Deal With Difficult Teachers. Sometimes we need some courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. What you need is a plan! This guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and improve their attitude. Go to theprivateschoolleader.com/difficult to grab this free guide!
I’ve created a free resource for you called “The 6 Things That Every Private School Teacher Wants From Their Leader”. This guide is a 6 page pdf that will be a game changer for you. I guarantee you that if you do these 6 things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. You can pick up your free guide by going to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/guide
I want to give you a gift to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. I have created a FREE guide for you called “5 Strategies To Help You Work With Difficult Parents”. We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. This guide will give you the tools that you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parents to grab the guide. Thank you again for listening every week!
Please check out all of the free resources on my website that can help you serve and lead your school community. There are "Plug & Play PD's" (45 minute webinars with guided notes) as well as Top 10 Lists of Leadership Books, Productivity Books and TED Talks over at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/resources. You can grab the show notes for today's episode at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/episode123
Please write a review of this podcast and help the algorithm push this content out to more leaders. I would love to get your feedback about the podcast, ideas for future episodes and hear about how you are implementing these strategies in your life and at your school. You can email me at [email protected] Thanks!!
I’ve created a FREE RESOURCE for you called “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. This is a 10 page pdf that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. Litigation is expensive, time consuming and extremely stressful. This common sense guide will help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. You can grab “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/lawsuit. Thanks!
I am excited to share a brand new resource with you. It is a 9 page pdf called: “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” What is “Verbal Judo”? "Verbal Judo" is a communication strategy that focuses on using words effectively to de-escalate conflict, resolve disputes, and achieve positive outcomes in various interpersonal interactions, particularly in high-pressure situations.
George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art Of Persuasion. So, I have taken several important strategies from the book and applied them to your life as a private school leader. Grab your free copy of “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/judo
TRANSCRIPT:
Welcome to the Private School Leader podcast, • where private school leaders learn how to thrive and not just survive as they serve and lead their schools. • I strongly believe that it is possible to have a long • and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And my passion is to help you figure out exactly how to do just that right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And I'm your host, Mark Minkus. • • • So if you've been listening to the podcast or if you've ever been to my about page • • on the Privatechooladeleader.com /about. • • You know, something about me, and that is that I love the 80s and I love 80s movies. • • Um, um, my act, actually my favorite movies, Rockv. Um, um. But also some other favorites are Back to the Future and Ghostbusters and Die Hard and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I mean, there's a long list of really, really good 80s movies. • But • the thing that I am not a fan of at all, • • I'm not a fan of scary movies. • • • And I would say that probably two of my least favorite words are jump scare. Like, I hate jump scares. I don't watch scary movies. I don't watch horror movies. • • • But from 2008 to 2012, • • • the five movies in the Twilight franchise • • • • grossed more than $1.3 billion. • • • And so a movie came out every year. There were five movies. • And my wife was really interested in the movies, • • and so I went with her. And • • • even though it was PG13 • • and it was more or less like, uh, a VI vampire SL romance kind of movie, • um, um, • • • I'll be honest that the vampires still • • freak me out. • • And so here's the thing. • • • You know, in our private schools, • • we actually have our own version of a vampire, • • • and that's the energy vampire. • And I'm talking about the kind of teacher that just sucks the energy right out of you. • And this is a teacher who • • drains your energy in ways that you probably can't even, like, explain it U. Uh, thoroughly or accurately or • • completely. • • And it's like you see them and you honestly, let's be honest, you try to avoid them, but when you interact with them and you leave a conversation with this person, • • • • you feel like you need a nap or you need like a cup of coffee or something. Okay, you. You know what teacher I'm talking about, right? And if you don't have one right now, you know you've had one before. • • • And when it comes to this person, the, uh, teacher, that's the energy vampire. They not only can suck the energy out of you, but they can suck the energy right out of the, the room U, uh, at a, uh, teacher meeting without you even realizing it until you're exhausted or, you know, it's just that awkward moment when everybody's body language changes when that person speaks up. • • • So I'm just wondering if any of this sounds familiar. • • • You know, • • and the other thing is, is that this teacher, you know, they typically have complaints. • • They constantly need to vent. • • Um, um, they have an unending series of quote unquote emergencies that • only you can solve. • • And it's the same crisis over and over and over and over again. Okay, and, and I put crisis in quotes too. • • And so we've all got them. • • And for us as private school leaders, this can be a really big challenge. And so on today's episode of the Private School Leader podcast, we are going to discuss • • five ways to deal with the teacher that is an energy vampire. • • • • •
7 Strategies to Effectively Deal with Difficult Teachers is free
So I want to give you a free gift just to say thank you for listening to the podcast. • You know, this is episode 123, and some of you have been listening since the beginning, and I really appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule and hopefully you're always trying to do something else while you're listening. • • Um, but I want to give you a free gift to say thank you. And this one's called 7 Strategies to Effectively Deal with Difficult Teachers. • • And so sometimes we need some courage and confidence when we have difficult teachers. But I think what you need is a plan, • • because all good teachers have a lesson plan. All good coaches have a game plan. • • I want to give you a plan to work with your difficult teachers. And this is a PDF. It's a step by step plan • that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and their attitude. And so this is over@the privatescool leader.com difficult • • • and you can grab this free guide, the Seven Strategies to Effectively deal with difficult Teachers. • •
Four reasons why we shouldn't ignore the energy vampire and four strategies to deal with it
Just go to the privatescoolleader.com/difficult to get that free guide. And again, just thank you again for listening to the podcast. • • • And so the way we're going to break down today's episode is • into two parts. The first part is four reasons why we shouldn't just ignore the energy vampire • • and then four strategies to effectively deal with the energy vampire. And also we can expand this a little bit. Let's say that right now • • • you have, you know, a staff where nobody immediately comes to mind that's like kind of sucking your energy like this, like I've described. But is there another person on the staff? Maybe • you know, someone on the kitchen staff or someone in the • • office or, you know, and for that matter, if it's not, uh, a staff member, then there's probably that parent that is the energy vampire. So here's my point. These strategies, while they're intended to help with the teacher, um, I think that you can still pick up some really important, • • um, tips and strategies along the way.
Four reasons why we shouldn't just ignore the energy vampire
So let's start with four reasons why we shouldn't just ignore the energy vampire. And I'm going to give you a little heads up. You're not going to like number four on this list. Okay, so the four reasons why we shouldn't just ignore the energy vampire. • • • Number one • • • • is because of the emotional drain on you. • • • • So I want to talk about ignoring for just a quick second. You know, there. We all know about planned ignoring when we're teaching and to not add energy or give energy to some misbehavior. And then, you know, sometimes we use proximity or we touch the student's desk and that can help get them back on track without drawing attention to it and getting into a back and forth with that students, you know. But planned ignoring is not a good idea when it comes to the • • • energy vampire on your staff. • • It's the easiest thing to do. It's just, okay, • • here they come again. I just have to like, kind of get through it and blah, blah, blah. No, that's, • • that's not what we're going to do because on this podcast we're about taking action. We're not about ignoring problems. And so we're going to focus on, you know, why we're going toa, um, • just • • resist the urge to ignore and we're going to do something about it.
Why we should not ignore the energy vampire: Number one, emotional drain
So I'm trying to set the stage for you by, um, telling you why we should not ignore the energy vampire. Okay? Number one, the emotional drain on you. So • these • energy vampires are • • • emotionally draining. They suck the emotional energy out of you. • • Um, they take up your mental space. • They can leave you feel mentally exhausted and drained after you have a conversation with them. And I can just picture in my mind some of you nodding along as you're driving along or as you're, you know, working out that this is, • • um, something that you've experienced. • So you've got enough to do, you've got enough on your plate. You have more than enough on your plate. And so the reason, number one, that we don't want to ignore the energy vampire is because it's, this person is just going to continue to drain you emotionally and it's going to be a disproportional drain on you. And so if we just keep letting the thing happen the way that it happens, then the cumulative effect of that is that you're going to be more drained • at the end of the day or at the end of the week. And so, number one reason we're not going to ignore this is the emotional drain on you. Number two, the emotional drain on your team. • • • • Because here's the thing, if that teacher is doing this to you, you know that they're doing it and probably doing it way more often to the other teachers. • • • And when one teacher is negative • • • or is draining or sucks the emotional energy out of • • others, it has this ripple effect. • • And it can affect morale, teacher morale. It can affect the desire to collaborate. Who wants to collaborate when that person's going to be • • speaking up? Okay. It can even impact student outcomes. • • And it might be hard to draw that, um, connection • • • • to, from the energy empampire behavior to how this could affect student outcomes. But if it's having a negative effect on the team, • • then • • • • I think that things that are negative, • • that impact your teachers over time are going to impact the students. • • • And it's just hard to stay motivated as a teacher when someone is just sucking the life out of the room or there's a teacher that you're trying to, um, avoid. And so the number two reason we're not going toa ignore the teacher, that's the energy vampire, is because of the emotional drain on your team. • • Reason number three is the impact that this person has on school culture. • • •
A person who's an energy vampire impacts the perception of change
So I want you to think about how a person who's an energy vampire impacts • • • • • • the perception of change. • • • • Um, so of course, this person that you're picturing or that you had in the past or that you're picturing and you're getting some strategies today to deal with this person in the future, whoever it might be. Just think about if there's a change that's announced, a change to the schedule, a change to • • when you meet for pd, • Um, a little bit of a change to the handbook. Um, • something to do with accreditation. Just our schools are constantly changing. Well, do you really think that this person that I'm describing, and if you know this person, think about this. How do they do with change? • • • • • • M. They probably do pretty bad, pretty lousy with change. • And so • the undermining of • the support of or the perception of the changes that need to happen, that's going to impact your school culture? Because if we stay where we are, • • • eventually we're going to stagnate and we're going to not grow. And, um, it's going to impact the culture of the school • • • in another way that this person impacts the school culture is just by • the negativity that impacts the teacher morale. And then that leads to some discontent and some discouragement and can even lead to some burnout. • • And so we want to make sure that this person is not negatively impacting our school culture. You work so hard to improve the school culture. Don't let, • • don't ignore that person that's negatively impacting it. And then I told you, you're not going to like number four. • •
Second grade teacher struggling with classroom management is the energy vampire
So here we go. • The fourth reason why we're not going to ignore • • the energy vampire • is because it's your responsibility to help this teacher grow. • • • • • • • Yikes. • So • • I want you to picture for a minute • • • • • • a second grade teacher. • • • It's their first year. • • • This person has a good attitude, works really hard, is coachable, • really wants to grow as a teacher. But this second grade teacher is struggling with classroom management. • • • • • So I want you to picture that person • • • and then I want you to think about how you would handle that. • • • • Okay? Second grade teacher, first year, good attitude, works hard, coachable, likable, but struggling with classroom management. • • • You're going to help that person. You're going to coach them up, you're going to support them. You're going to • • have a mentor teacher work with them. You're going to have them observe another teacher who is really good with classroom management. You're going to help that person grow. • • • • • • But what about when you think about that teacher? That's the energy vampire. • • • • My guess is if you're anything like me, • • first thing you're thinking of is avoidance. You're not thinking of how can I help this person grow? • And I get that. • • But the energy vampire, lots of negativity. • They have a fixed mindset, not a growth mindset. They're a problem pusher and not a problem solver. • • Right. They want to push these problems either onto you or onto others • instead of even having the first thought of trying to be part of the solution. • • And here's the thing that you're not going to like. You have just as much responsibility • • • • to help the energy vampire • • • grow as you do the second grade teacher with a good attitude. • • • • You have just as much responsibility to help the energy vampire grow as you do the second grade teacher with a good attitude. So I told you you weren't going to like it. But as leaders, we can't pick and choose who we're going to help grow. • • And I get it. When it's so much easier to help someone that's coachable and likable and works hard and is open to feedback and all those things. • • But we are responsible for helping them grow. And the good news is I'm going toa give you some strategies for ways that you can deal with this person that are protecting you, but also some ways that this person, • um, can, you can help them, um, grow a little bit. So the four • • • reasons, um, • • that we're not going to just ignore the energy vampire are number one, the emotional drain on you. Number two, the emotional drain on your team. • Number three, the impact on school culture, and number four, it's your responsibility to help this teacher grow.
Four strategies to effectively deal with the teacher that's an energy vampire
Okay, so then let's go on to • • • four strategies to effectively deal • with the teacher that's an energy vampire. So remember, we're talking about that person that just sucks the energy out of you and others. And it's just this kind of commonplace thing that happens regularly. • So the first strategy, number one, is to protect yourself. Okay, now I know that it sounds like I'm contradicting myself because I just said a moment ago that you're going to help this person grow, and you are, but you need to protect yourself so that you don't just let this person happen to you. • So I want you to hear that. • • Is this person just happening to you, • • • or do you have any strategies, any boundaries, any script, any, um, techniques, any little tricks that help to • protect you, • to reduce the amount of time that you're with that person, • • • • • or are you just letting them happen to you and you just figure you have to endure it? • • • • So here's a couple of ways you can protect yourself. So the first is boundaries to just even start thinking about where, when, and for how long. Where, when and for how long. In other words, where are you going to let this person talk to you? So • they come up and walk right up to you in the hallway • • • • and you know, • • are you just going to have that conversation right there? What about the when? You know, a lot of us, we're in the middle of something and • • we just kind of drop what we're doing and just kind of sigh quietly to ourselves and just let them start talking and for how long? You know, sometimes the answer is however long they want to talk. • • • But there's a few strategies that you can use to protect yourself and to have those boundaries. So for example, if the, if the person • • comes up to you, and it's what I call a little bit of a sneak attack, and it's not really a sneak attack, but it feels that way. You know, they just appear in your office doorway or they, you know, see you in the hallway, Hey, I need to talk to you. And they don't wait to hear the answer of. Or, you know, when you, uh, ask, they ask it, do you have a minute? They just start talking. • • And so you just need to • • stop them and say, you know what? I • have to be. I'm on my way to blah, blah, blah. If you're in the hallway, you're always on your way somewhere. Or if you're in your office, you can see, say, you know what? M. I'm right in the middle of something. But if you come back, I can talk to you from, you know, 4 to 4:15 or whatever the case might be. So I think there needs to start to be some pushback on the when, where and how long. • • And then another thing that you can do is • • when they walk into your office, the first thing you do is stand up. • • Um, um, • I'm going toa link this in the show notes that the Private school leader, • • episode 1 23. And that is there's an episode that I did like this one. • • • This one trick will save you an hour, a week or something like that. I don't really remember the title, but the tr. The stat. The uh, strategy was that when someone walks into your office, you immediately stand up. • • • U. Um, and so the idea there is, is that it doesn't invite them to sit down. • • • Um, and you just stay standing. And so try this. The next time you stand up, • • you look at your watch or your phone or the clock on the wall and you say, I'll tell you what, I have four minutes. • • Or you say, I have seven minutes. Okay? Don't ever say you have five minutes or 10 minutes. Don't, don't give round numbers that end in, that are divisible by, um, five. Okay. • • Um, • • it gets their attention. It's precise • • • and it's just a little bit of cognitive dissonance when someone says, I have four minutes or I have six minutes. • • And it also just • kind of subconsciously • • • it shines a light on the fact that this is a concrete, specific amount of time and that there is like a little bit of, uh, a countdown clock that's happening because if you.
One way to protect yourself from energy vampires is to start speaking in problem solving
All right, so, so I want you toision envision these two different scenarios. You're sitting at your desk. The teacher, that's the energy vampire, appears at your door. Hey, do you have a second? • • Um, and then they come in and they sit down and they start talking. That's Scenario A. All right? Scenario B. The person appears in your doorway. You stand up. • • Um, they say, hey, do you have a minute? You look at your watch or your phone or the clock on the wall and you say, • • u, uh, yeah, you know what? I have four minutes. • • • And you're standing there. Okay, which conversation is going to last • • longer? • The first one where everyone's sitting and there's no timetable on it, or the second one where both of you are standing and you've given specific number that's not divisible by five. I'm telling you from experience • that the first one is going to last way longer. All right? So just try it and um, see how it goes. The other thing is, is that, you know that energy vampires, this is all about, we're talking about, number one, protect yourself. You know that they're all about, • • um, complaining without a resolution. • • • So we are going. One way you can protect yourself is to start speaking in a solution oriented way or a problem solving kind of way. So for example, you know, you listen to what they're saying. You could be like, well, what steps • could you take to improve this? Or what's one thing that you could try to make that better? • • • And anything you can do to shift their mindset from problem to solution or from problem to, you know, solved • • is going to protect you because it's going to reduce. • • They see you now currently as the complaint department where they can just come and vent. They feel better because they transfer all of their anxiety and stress from themselves to you and then they leave and then you feel crappy. That's what happens. • • So we just have to make sure that that's not what we're doing. • • • • Okay, let's move on to strategy number two. • • • Strategy number two is to protect your team. So you've seen this happen. • • • The teacher, that's the energy vampire. They, you know, it's a staff meeting or it's a team meeting and you're in the library, you're in a classroom, you're in the cafeteria, whatever the case might be. And then that person speaks up and the body language changes • and that person just sucks the life out of the, out of the room. • • • And so in, in meetings, • • while in the real time, in that moment, it is awkward, • • but it is necessary • • for you to cut this person off. And I don't mean cut them off as soon as they open their mouth, but • • they're gonna get something out. • • • And I think that I'll speak from my own experience • • • in the past. I've just let this person • go on for Way too long • and I'MAKING um, • eye contact and I'm nodding and I'm trying to get a word in and I'm trying to stop them and whatever because it's like really awkward to just like, kind of talk over them. But • • • if you just have a little script, um, um, • • you know, • so they're, they're talking, blah, blah, and they get their first little thing out. But you know, this is going to go on for a while. And so you're just like, • • well, clearly you have concerns about this. Let's touch base after the meeting and because we really need to move on with the agenda. • •
Having an agenda elevates the importance of the team and the topic
For example, okay, now that's another reason it's important to have an agenda. • • Because if, here's the thing, if you just walk in there and your meetings • • are kind of a free for all and, and it's, • • you know, you've got a couple things that you want to talk about, but then you just kind of open it up to the, • • • • to the crowd, you know, um, um, • • then you're gonna get what you get. Um, um. • But if you have an agenda, • • u, um, • it's going to make a big difference. But here's the thing. If you do keep that person in check and that they're • participating proportionally, • okay, I think you understand what that means, proportionally participating in a meeting, • • um, your team's going to feel like you have, that you have their backs. • • And it also elevates the importance of the team and the topic. So for example, if you don't just let this person continue to suck the energy out of the room and blah, blah, blah, all right, Then it elevates the importance of the team because this one person isn't more important than the team that's in the room. And it elevates the importance of the topic. So let's say that you're talking about. • You need to change some procedures. • • • • Um, as the kids are lining up for the lunchroom, you know, as they're waiting for their food, it seems like there's a lot of pushing and shoving in the line and there's line cutting from the older students. And that's just an example. And that's something that you're talking about. Okay, what's the strategy? What are we going to do? Put another person in the hall, blah, blah, blah. What elevates the importance of the topic? If you don't just let the energy vampire go on and on and on and suck all of the attention and energy out of the room. So, um, you want to protect your team, okay. And then number three is that you're going to help them grow. And so this goes back to the one that I gave number four about why we're not going to ignore this person. We're going to help them grow. So what does that look like? Well, the big thing is, is that you need to try to help them move from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. • • Because • • if they're complaining about everything, if they're venting about everything, • • if they are a problem pusher and not a problem solver, then they're not a collaborator. They're • really focused on themselves and they're very much focused on when they see a new thing, • • • they see the. It's sort of like • every, • • um, silver lining has a cloud kind of a person. Right. And so • • if you • • • can get them to shift to a growth mindset. And so I'll link it in the show notes. I'm not going to get into teaching about growth mindset and fixed mindset here. I'll link that in the show notes. But, you know, just the words that you use about. Well, we don't know how to do that yet. Um, • • • you know, and, • • you know, • just the active listening, of course, and the reflecting back to them. But really it is possible. I've done this before with some parents, I've done it before with some teachers where you can shift them more to a growth mindset from a fixed mindset. • • Um, another thing, • • • and I've mentioned it a couple times, the way you're going to help them grow is to get them shift from problem pushing to problem solving. They're not doing their job and they're not pulling their weight on the team if they're a problem pusher. • And so, • you know, instead of, uh, they don't want to focus on solutions and so they're not interested in fixing things. They just want to vent and they get stuck in this cycle and then they, and they feel better and then there's a new thing that comes up and then they vent about that and then they feel better and then they're just in this cycle. Well, who are the people that aren't feeling better in all of this? It's the people that are being vented to you, your and the teachers on your team. • • So you want to also help them grow • • • • by helping them consider how they communicate. • • • • And then there's going to be three parts to that. One is you're going to try and literally you're going to try and coach them up on this for them to pause, • • • • uh, show empathy and then to respond instead of react. • • And I'm going to say that again, you want to coach them up if, in the way that they communicate is to pause • to show empathy, and to respond instead of react. • • • • So those are some of the problems right there. They're not pausing. They're just immediately reacting and starting to open their mouth and blah, blah, blah, and complain in ven and whatever. Okay? • • They're lacking empathy because they're not seeing this through the lens of anybody else but themselves. How, huh, does this impact me? I'm upset. I'm going to let people know that. And then • • responding instead of reacting. • • • Responding implies that you've paused and you've thought about it for a second before. And react implies that it's just like, uh, a reflex. And it is. • So we're going to try to coach them a little bit in the way that they communicate with those three things. Pause, empathy, and then respond instead of react. •
Number four is know when to have the tough conversation with an energy vampire
And then that brings us to our fourth and final strategy on how we're going to • • • • effectively deal with the energy Vampire. And number four is know when to have the tough conversation. • • • • So there are going to be times when, despite all your efforts, all your • energy, all of your tricks and • tricks of the trade, that the things don't improve with this person, and they just continue to do what we've described earlier in the episode. • • • And so if this teacher just continues to drain your energy • and to drain your team's energy, • • it's time for a direct and constructive conversation. Okay? And here's the thing. This person might do a really good job in the classroom. Okay? That actually makes it more difficult because sometimes an energy vampire brings other things to the table. • • They might be a really good teacher, but they have this part of their personality that's, like, really problematic. • • And so • • it's your responsibility as the leader • • • • • to know when it's time to have that constructive but tough conversation. • • • And, you know, a couple of tips for when you decide to do that is to just be honest, • but to be empathetic, to be empathic and say, listen, I've noticed that you're feeling frustrated • • • and it's impacting your energy, but it's also impacting my energy. • And I think that it. And from my opinion, it's impacting the team's energy. So let's talk about how we can improve the situation moving forward. • • Or, you know, phrase it through the lens of. It seems like there's a pattern here that when something comes up where there's a change that's announced or when there's a little conflict with a parent or with a colleague that then your reaction is blank. Okay. And you're talking about the pattern. How can I help you get out of that pattern? • • • And then it's helpful to talk about what you see and not what others have told you. And I would really talk a lot about how this impacts you and what, what you are noticing. Let's not get into, well, you know, • • other teachers have said or, you know, they, or about the vibe in the room or whatever, like • • • • you notice it. But let's not bring others into this because then that person's going to get upset and then they're going to have even more difficulty communicating with their colleagues. So, um, you know, we're not going to do that. And then the last thing is, is that we're going to set clear expectations and then hold them accountable for their behavior. And that's really the key in great leadership when it comes to helping someone improve their • • some weakness is to be clear and then hold them accountable. • • And • if you can be clear on what you're after, you know, maybe it's about frequency, maybe it's about, um, duration, maybe it's about location, maybe it's about all three of those, • um, maybe it's about their body language and how they participate in a meeting. And then you're going to check in in a few weeks • and discuss it a little bit more.
Four reasons why we shouldn't ignore the teacher that's an energy vampire
Okay, so just to wrap it up, the four reasons why we shouldn't just ignore the teacher that's an energy vampire is R. Number one, the emotional drain on you. Number two, the emotional drain on your team. Number three, the impact on school culture. Number four, it's your responsibility to help this teacher grow. And then the four strategies to effectively deal with the teacher that's an energy vampire. • Number one, protect yourself. Number two, protect your team. Three is help them grow. And four is to know when to have the tough conversation. • And I like to end every episode with a call to action. And so I want you to pick one strategy and use it this week if you have • • • an, uh, energy vampire on your team. • • •
Five strategies to help you work with difficult parents on the Private School Leader podcast
So to wrap it up, I want to give you another free gift. And this one is called five strategies to help you work with difficult parents. • And we know that working with parents is part of the job and that most of our parents are great, but you know, some of them can be demanding and emotional and difficult. And so this guide is going to give you the tools you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. So you can grab that@the privatescchooly year.com parents. That's the five strategies to help you work with difficult parents@the • privateschooler.com parents. And then just one big favor I would ask of you is that if you could share the link to the podcast with another leader at your school • • or a leader in your life that you met at a conference, somebody that you know as a school leader, whether it's private school, public school, what have you, just share the link. And then also at, uh, your school, there are rising leaders, and the next generation of leaders are very likely the teachers in our schools. And so • who's that rising leader that could be inspired or informed by this content? So, um, if you would share the link with that rising leader and then also with another leader in your life, I would really, really appreciate it. And I'd also love to hear from you. And so if you want to drop me a line@, um, marko.minkusmail.um com and let me know, you know, what's a new strategy or any strategy that you've learned on the podcast, we're at episode 123. • Um, I'd love to hear from you and tell me what did you learn? What are you using? Or also tell me what's the pain point for you right now, because maybe that could be a future episode. So that's Mark Doo • • mincusmail.com. • and the show notes [email protected] episode 123. You can see you can connect with me on Instagram, the Private School Leader. And I just appreciate you so much. Um, I just want to say that you're doing great work at your school, and I know it's exhausting and sometimes frustrating, but I want to thank you for taking some of your precious time out of your week to join me here today. And I will see you next time right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And until then, always remember to serve first, lead second, and make a difference.
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By Mark Minkus
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I am a huge fan of 80’s movies. Some of my favorites are Rocky 4, Back To The Future, Ghostbusters, Die Hard, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Top Gun.
However, I am not a fan of scary movies. In fact, two of my least favorite words are “jump scare”
From 2008-2012, the 5 movies in the Twilight franchise grossed more than $1.3 billion. I didn’t want to, but I went with my wife to every single one of those movies. Even though the Twilight franchise was more romance novel than slasher horror flick, those vampires still really freaked me out.
In our private schools, we have our own version of a vampire.
You know the teacher I’m talking about, right?
Well, on today’s episode of The Private School Leader Podcast we are going to discuss 5 Ways To Deal With The Teacher That Is An "Energy Vampire".
I hope that you will listen to the podcast for your weekly dose of motivation, inspiration and PD. Thanks so much for listening and thanks for making a difference!
Mark Minkus
Is it just me or are the parents at our schools getting more demanding and more intense, more often? Dealing with parents is part of the job as we lead our private schools, but it can quickly lead to stress, anxiety and feeling overwhelmed.
Is it just me or are the parents at our schools getting more demanding and more intense, more often? That’s why I created Parent Academy! Now you have a step by step framework that will help you go from feeling stressed and anxious to feeling confident and calm. Over the last 33 years, I have built successful relationships with thousands of parents and I have packaged that knowledge into an online course. Not only that, but after I teach you, I am going to teach your teachers these strategies as well! Parent Academy contains two, 45-minute webinars that are Teacher PD’s with a printable notebook, guided notes and discussion questions. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parentacademy to learn more!
What is your biggest problem right now? I want to hear more about your biggest problem and I want to help you solve it.
Whether your problem is feeling guilty that your family gets what’s left of you at the end of the day, relentless parents, difficult teachers, a lack of boundaries between work and school, feeling overwhelmed, Imposter Syndrome, enrollment or teacher morale, I can help.
I would love to hear more about your biggest problem and I would love to be your coach. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/coaching to learn more about working with me 1-on-1.
Being a private school leader is a VERY difficult job. You have to make hundreds of decisions every day, and you have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, motivate the teachers, deal with student discipline, beat last year’s test scores and come in under budget.
That can lead to you feeling tired, discouraged and stressed out. I’ve been there. That’s why I created THRIVE Academy just for you. THRIVE Academy is a digital course that will help you get out of survival mode and get back to feeling energized at school. To learn more, go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/thrive
I am excited to share with you a new resource and I want to give this to you as a FREE GIFT to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. It is called The 7 Secrets To Improving Teacher Morale. As private school leaders, we are always looking for ways to improve teacher morale at our schools, but it is hard to know where to start. Well, now you have a step by step plan and you can grab it at theprivateschoolleader.com/morale
I want to give you a FREE gift called 7 Strategies To Effectively Deal With Difficult Teachers. Sometimes we need some courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. What you need is a plan! This guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and improve their attitude. Go to theprivateschoolleader.com/difficult to grab this free guide!
I’ve created a free resource for you called “The 6 Things That Every Private School Teacher Wants From Their Leader”. This guide is a 6 page pdf that will be a game changer for you. I guarantee you that if you do these 6 things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. You can pick up your free guide by going to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/guide
I want to give you a gift to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. I have created a FREE guide for you called “5 Strategies To Help You Work With Difficult Parents”. We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. This guide will give you the tools that you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parents to grab the guide. Thank you again for listening every week!
Please check out all of the free resources on my website that can help you serve and lead your school community. There are "Plug & Play PD's" (45 minute webinars with guided notes) as well as Top 10 Lists of Leadership Books, Productivity Books and TED Talks over at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/resources. You can grab the show notes for today's episode at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/episode123
Please write a review of this podcast and help the algorithm push this content out to more leaders. I would love to get your feedback about the podcast, ideas for future episodes and hear about how you are implementing these strategies in your life and at your school. You can email me at [email protected] Thanks!!
I’ve created a FREE RESOURCE for you called “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. This is a 10 page pdf that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. Litigation is expensive, time consuming and extremely stressful. This common sense guide will help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. You can grab “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/lawsuit. Thanks!
I am excited to share a brand new resource with you. It is a 9 page pdf called: “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” What is “Verbal Judo”? "Verbal Judo" is a communication strategy that focuses on using words effectively to de-escalate conflict, resolve disputes, and achieve positive outcomes in various interpersonal interactions, particularly in high-pressure situations.
George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art Of Persuasion. So, I have taken several important strategies from the book and applied them to your life as a private school leader. Grab your free copy of “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/judo
TRANSCRIPT:
Welcome to the Private School Leader podcast, • where private school leaders learn how to thrive and not just survive as they serve and lead their schools. • I strongly believe that it is possible to have a long • and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And my passion is to help you figure out exactly how to do just that right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And I'm your host, Mark Minkus. • • • So if you've been listening to the podcast or if you've ever been to my about page • • on the Privatechooladeleader.com /about. • • You know, something about me, and that is that I love the 80s and I love 80s movies. • • Um, um, my act, actually my favorite movies, Rockv. Um, um. But also some other favorites are Back to the Future and Ghostbusters and Die Hard and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I mean, there's a long list of really, really good 80s movies. • But • the thing that I am not a fan of at all, • • I'm not a fan of scary movies. • • • And I would say that probably two of my least favorite words are jump scare. Like, I hate jump scares. I don't watch scary movies. I don't watch horror movies. • • • But from 2008 to 2012, • • • the five movies in the Twilight franchise • • • • grossed more than $1.3 billion. • • • And so a movie came out every year. There were five movies. • And my wife was really interested in the movies, • • and so I went with her. And • • • even though it was PG13 • • and it was more or less like, uh, a VI vampire SL romance kind of movie, • um, um, • • • I'll be honest that the vampires still • • freak me out. • • And so here's the thing. • • • You know, in our private schools, • • we actually have our own version of a vampire, • • • and that's the energy vampire. • And I'm talking about the kind of teacher that just sucks the energy right out of you. • And this is a teacher who • • drains your energy in ways that you probably can't even, like, explain it U. Uh, thoroughly or accurately or • • completely. • • And it's like you see them and you honestly, let's be honest, you try to avoid them, but when you interact with them and you leave a conversation with this person, • • • • you feel like you need a nap or you need like a cup of coffee or something. Okay, you. You know what teacher I'm talking about, right? And if you don't have one right now, you know you've had one before. • • • And when it comes to this person, the, uh, teacher, that's the energy vampire. They not only can suck the energy out of you, but they can suck the energy right out of the, the room U, uh, at a, uh, teacher meeting without you even realizing it until you're exhausted or, you know, it's just that awkward moment when everybody's body language changes when that person speaks up. • • • So I'm just wondering if any of this sounds familiar. • • • You know, • • and the other thing is, is that this teacher, you know, they typically have complaints. • • They constantly need to vent. • • Um, um, they have an unending series of quote unquote emergencies that • only you can solve. • • And it's the same crisis over and over and over and over again. Okay, and, and I put crisis in quotes too. • • And so we've all got them. • • And for us as private school leaders, this can be a really big challenge. And so on today's episode of the Private School Leader podcast, we are going to discuss • • five ways to deal with the teacher that is an energy vampire. • • • • •
7 Strategies to Effectively Deal with Difficult Teachers is free
So I want to give you a free gift just to say thank you for listening to the podcast. • You know, this is episode 123, and some of you have been listening since the beginning, and I really appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule and hopefully you're always trying to do something else while you're listening. • • Um, but I want to give you a free gift to say thank you. And this one's called 7 Strategies to Effectively Deal with Difficult Teachers. • • And so sometimes we need some courage and confidence when we have difficult teachers. But I think what you need is a plan, • • because all good teachers have a lesson plan. All good coaches have a game plan. • • I want to give you a plan to work with your difficult teachers. And this is a PDF. It's a step by step plan • that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and their attitude. And so this is over@the privatescool leader.com difficult • • • and you can grab this free guide, the Seven Strategies to Effectively deal with difficult Teachers. • •
Four reasons why we shouldn't ignore the energy vampire and four strategies to deal with it
Just go to the privatescoolleader.com/difficult to get that free guide. And again, just thank you again for listening to the podcast. • • • And so the way we're going to break down today's episode is • into two parts. The first part is four reasons why we shouldn't just ignore the energy vampire • • and then four strategies to effectively deal with the energy vampire. And also we can expand this a little bit. Let's say that right now • • • you have, you know, a staff where nobody immediately comes to mind that's like kind of sucking your energy like this, like I've described. But is there another person on the staff? Maybe • you know, someone on the kitchen staff or someone in the • • office or, you know, and for that matter, if it's not, uh, a staff member, then there's probably that parent that is the energy vampire. So here's my point. These strategies, while they're intended to help with the teacher, um, I think that you can still pick up some really important, • • um, tips and strategies along the way.
Four reasons why we shouldn't just ignore the energy vampire
So let's start with four reasons why we shouldn't just ignore the energy vampire. And I'm going to give you a little heads up. You're not going to like number four on this list. Okay, so the four reasons why we shouldn't just ignore the energy vampire. • • • Number one • • • • is because of the emotional drain on you. • • • • So I want to talk about ignoring for just a quick second. You know, there. We all know about planned ignoring when we're teaching and to not add energy or give energy to some misbehavior. And then, you know, sometimes we use proximity or we touch the student's desk and that can help get them back on track without drawing attention to it and getting into a back and forth with that students, you know. But planned ignoring is not a good idea when it comes to the • • • energy vampire on your staff. • • It's the easiest thing to do. It's just, okay, • • here they come again. I just have to like, kind of get through it and blah, blah, blah. No, that's, • • that's not what we're going to do because on this podcast we're about taking action. We're not about ignoring problems. And so we're going to focus on, you know, why we're going toa, um, • just • • resist the urge to ignore and we're going to do something about it.
Why we should not ignore the energy vampire: Number one, emotional drain
So I'm trying to set the stage for you by, um, telling you why we should not ignore the energy vampire. Okay? Number one, the emotional drain on you. So • these • energy vampires are • • • emotionally draining. They suck the emotional energy out of you. • • Um, they take up your mental space. • They can leave you feel mentally exhausted and drained after you have a conversation with them. And I can just picture in my mind some of you nodding along as you're driving along or as you're, you know, working out that this is, • • um, something that you've experienced. • So you've got enough to do, you've got enough on your plate. You have more than enough on your plate. And so the reason, number one, that we don't want to ignore the energy vampire is because it's, this person is just going to continue to drain you emotionally and it's going to be a disproportional drain on you. And so if we just keep letting the thing happen the way that it happens, then the cumulative effect of that is that you're going to be more drained • at the end of the day or at the end of the week. And so, number one reason we're not going to ignore this is the emotional drain on you. Number two, the emotional drain on your team. • • • • Because here's the thing, if that teacher is doing this to you, you know that they're doing it and probably doing it way more often to the other teachers. • • • And when one teacher is negative • • • or is draining or sucks the emotional energy out of • • others, it has this ripple effect. • • And it can affect morale, teacher morale. It can affect the desire to collaborate. Who wants to collaborate when that person's going to be • • speaking up? Okay. It can even impact student outcomes. • • And it might be hard to draw that, um, connection • • • • to, from the energy empampire behavior to how this could affect student outcomes. But if it's having a negative effect on the team, • • then • • • • I think that things that are negative, • • that impact your teachers over time are going to impact the students. • • • And it's just hard to stay motivated as a teacher when someone is just sucking the life out of the room or there's a teacher that you're trying to, um, avoid. And so the number two reason we're not going toa ignore the teacher, that's the energy vampire, is because of the emotional drain on your team. • • Reason number three is the impact that this person has on school culture. • • •
A person who's an energy vampire impacts the perception of change
So I want you to think about how a person who's an energy vampire impacts • • • • • • the perception of change. • • • • Um, so of course, this person that you're picturing or that you had in the past or that you're picturing and you're getting some strategies today to deal with this person in the future, whoever it might be. Just think about if there's a change that's announced, a change to the schedule, a change to • • when you meet for pd, • Um, a little bit of a change to the handbook. Um, • something to do with accreditation. Just our schools are constantly changing. Well, do you really think that this person that I'm describing, and if you know this person, think about this. How do they do with change? • • • • • • M. They probably do pretty bad, pretty lousy with change. • And so • the undermining of • the support of or the perception of the changes that need to happen, that's going to impact your school culture? Because if we stay where we are, • • • eventually we're going to stagnate and we're going to not grow. And, um, it's going to impact the culture of the school • • • in another way that this person impacts the school culture is just by • the negativity that impacts the teacher morale. And then that leads to some discontent and some discouragement and can even lead to some burnout. • • And so we want to make sure that this person is not negatively impacting our school culture. You work so hard to improve the school culture. Don't let, • • don't ignore that person that's negatively impacting it. And then I told you, you're not going to like number four. • •
Second grade teacher struggling with classroom management is the energy vampire
So here we go. • The fourth reason why we're not going to ignore • • the energy vampire • is because it's your responsibility to help this teacher grow. • • • • • • • Yikes. • So • • I want you to picture for a minute • • • • • • a second grade teacher. • • • It's their first year. • • • This person has a good attitude, works really hard, is coachable, • really wants to grow as a teacher. But this second grade teacher is struggling with classroom management. • • • • • So I want you to picture that person • • • and then I want you to think about how you would handle that. • • • • Okay? Second grade teacher, first year, good attitude, works hard, coachable, likable, but struggling with classroom management. • • • You're going to help that person. You're going to coach them up, you're going to support them. You're going to • • have a mentor teacher work with them. You're going to have them observe another teacher who is really good with classroom management. You're going to help that person grow. • • • • • • But what about when you think about that teacher? That's the energy vampire. • • • • My guess is if you're anything like me, • • first thing you're thinking of is avoidance. You're not thinking of how can I help this person grow? • And I get that. • • But the energy vampire, lots of negativity. • They have a fixed mindset, not a growth mindset. They're a problem pusher and not a problem solver. • • Right. They want to push these problems either onto you or onto others • instead of even having the first thought of trying to be part of the solution. • • And here's the thing that you're not going to like. You have just as much responsibility • • • • to help the energy vampire • • • grow as you do the second grade teacher with a good attitude. • • • • You have just as much responsibility to help the energy vampire grow as you do the second grade teacher with a good attitude. So I told you you weren't going to like it. But as leaders, we can't pick and choose who we're going to help grow. • • And I get it. When it's so much easier to help someone that's coachable and likable and works hard and is open to feedback and all those things. • • But we are responsible for helping them grow. And the good news is I'm going toa give you some strategies for ways that you can deal with this person that are protecting you, but also some ways that this person, • um, can, you can help them, um, grow a little bit. So the four • • • reasons, um, • • that we're not going to just ignore the energy vampire are number one, the emotional drain on you. Number two, the emotional drain on your team. • Number three, the impact on school culture, and number four, it's your responsibility to help this teacher grow.
Four strategies to effectively deal with the teacher that's an energy vampire
Okay, so then let's go on to • • • four strategies to effectively deal • with the teacher that's an energy vampire. So remember, we're talking about that person that just sucks the energy out of you and others. And it's just this kind of commonplace thing that happens regularly. • So the first strategy, number one, is to protect yourself. Okay, now I know that it sounds like I'm contradicting myself because I just said a moment ago that you're going to help this person grow, and you are, but you need to protect yourself so that you don't just let this person happen to you. • So I want you to hear that. • • Is this person just happening to you, • • • or do you have any strategies, any boundaries, any script, any, um, techniques, any little tricks that help to • protect you, • to reduce the amount of time that you're with that person, • • • • • or are you just letting them happen to you and you just figure you have to endure it? • • • • So here's a couple of ways you can protect yourself. So the first is boundaries to just even start thinking about where, when, and for how long. Where, when and for how long. In other words, where are you going to let this person talk to you? So • they come up and walk right up to you in the hallway • • • • and you know, • • are you just going to have that conversation right there? What about the when? You know, a lot of us, we're in the middle of something and • • we just kind of drop what we're doing and just kind of sigh quietly to ourselves and just let them start talking and for how long? You know, sometimes the answer is however long they want to talk. • • • But there's a few strategies that you can use to protect yourself and to have those boundaries. So for example, if the, if the person • • comes up to you, and it's what I call a little bit of a sneak attack, and it's not really a sneak attack, but it feels that way. You know, they just appear in your office doorway or they, you know, see you in the hallway, Hey, I need to talk to you. And they don't wait to hear the answer of. Or, you know, when you, uh, ask, they ask it, do you have a minute? They just start talking. • • And so you just need to • • stop them and say, you know what? I • have to be. I'm on my way to blah, blah, blah. If you're in the hallway, you're always on your way somewhere. Or if you're in your office, you can see, say, you know what? M. I'm right in the middle of something. But if you come back, I can talk to you from, you know, 4 to 4:15 or whatever the case might be. So I think there needs to start to be some pushback on the when, where and how long. • • And then another thing that you can do is • • when they walk into your office, the first thing you do is stand up. • • Um, um, • I'm going toa link this in the show notes that the Private school leader, • • episode 1 23. And that is there's an episode that I did like this one. • • • This one trick will save you an hour, a week or something like that. I don't really remember the title, but the tr. The stat. The uh, strategy was that when someone walks into your office, you immediately stand up. • • • U. Um, and so the idea there is, is that it doesn't invite them to sit down. • • • Um, and you just stay standing. And so try this. The next time you stand up, • • you look at your watch or your phone or the clock on the wall and you say, I'll tell you what, I have four minutes. • • Or you say, I have seven minutes. Okay? Don't ever say you have five minutes or 10 minutes. Don't, don't give round numbers that end in, that are divisible by, um, five. Okay. • • Um, • • it gets their attention. It's precise • • • and it's just a little bit of cognitive dissonance when someone says, I have four minutes or I have six minutes. • • And it also just • kind of subconsciously • • • it shines a light on the fact that this is a concrete, specific amount of time and that there is like a little bit of, uh, a countdown clock that's happening because if you.
One way to protect yourself from energy vampires is to start speaking in problem solving
All right, so, so I want you toision envision these two different scenarios. You're sitting at your desk. The teacher, that's the energy vampire, appears at your door. Hey, do you have a second? • • Um, and then they come in and they sit down and they start talking. That's Scenario A. All right? Scenario B. The person appears in your doorway. You stand up. • • Um, they say, hey, do you have a minute? You look at your watch or your phone or the clock on the wall and you say, • • u, uh, yeah, you know what? I have four minutes. • • • And you're standing there. Okay, which conversation is going to last • • longer? • The first one where everyone's sitting and there's no timetable on it, or the second one where both of you are standing and you've given specific number that's not divisible by five. I'm telling you from experience • that the first one is going to last way longer. All right? So just try it and um, see how it goes. The other thing is, is that, you know that energy vampires, this is all about, we're talking about, number one, protect yourself. You know that they're all about, • • um, complaining without a resolution. • • • So we are going. One way you can protect yourself is to start speaking in a solution oriented way or a problem solving kind of way. So for example, you know, you listen to what they're saying. You could be like, well, what steps • could you take to improve this? Or what's one thing that you could try to make that better? • • • And anything you can do to shift their mindset from problem to solution or from problem to, you know, solved • • is going to protect you because it's going to reduce. • • They see you now currently as the complaint department where they can just come and vent. They feel better because they transfer all of their anxiety and stress from themselves to you and then they leave and then you feel crappy. That's what happens. • • So we just have to make sure that that's not what we're doing. • • • • Okay, let's move on to strategy number two. • • • Strategy number two is to protect your team. So you've seen this happen. • • • The teacher, that's the energy vampire. They, you know, it's a staff meeting or it's a team meeting and you're in the library, you're in a classroom, you're in the cafeteria, whatever the case might be. And then that person speaks up and the body language changes • and that person just sucks the life out of the, out of the room. • • • And so in, in meetings, • • while in the real time, in that moment, it is awkward, • • but it is necessary • • for you to cut this person off. And I don't mean cut them off as soon as they open their mouth, but • • they're gonna get something out. • • • And I think that I'll speak from my own experience • • • in the past. I've just let this person • go on for Way too long • and I'MAKING um, • eye contact and I'm nodding and I'm trying to get a word in and I'm trying to stop them and whatever because it's like really awkward to just like, kind of talk over them. But • • • if you just have a little script, um, um, • • you know, • so they're, they're talking, blah, blah, and they get their first little thing out. But you know, this is going to go on for a while. And so you're just like, • • well, clearly you have concerns about this. Let's touch base after the meeting and because we really need to move on with the agenda. • •
Having an agenda elevates the importance of the team and the topic
For example, okay, now that's another reason it's important to have an agenda. • • Because if, here's the thing, if you just walk in there and your meetings • • are kind of a free for all and, and it's, • • you know, you've got a couple things that you want to talk about, but then you just kind of open it up to the, • • • • to the crowd, you know, um, um, • • then you're gonna get what you get. Um, um. • But if you have an agenda, • • u, um, • it's going to make a big difference. But here's the thing. If you do keep that person in check and that they're • participating proportionally, • okay, I think you understand what that means, proportionally participating in a meeting, • • um, your team's going to feel like you have, that you have their backs. • • And it also elevates the importance of the team and the topic. So for example, if you don't just let this person continue to suck the energy out of the room and blah, blah, blah, all right, Then it elevates the importance of the team because this one person isn't more important than the team that's in the room. And it elevates the importance of the topic. So let's say that you're talking about. • You need to change some procedures. • • • • Um, as the kids are lining up for the lunchroom, you know, as they're waiting for their food, it seems like there's a lot of pushing and shoving in the line and there's line cutting from the older students. And that's just an example. And that's something that you're talking about. Okay, what's the strategy? What are we going to do? Put another person in the hall, blah, blah, blah. What elevates the importance of the topic? If you don't just let the energy vampire go on and on and on and suck all of the attention and energy out of the room. So, um, you want to protect your team, okay. And then number three is that you're going to help them grow. And so this goes back to the one that I gave number four about why we're not going to ignore this person. We're going to help them grow. So what does that look like? Well, the big thing is, is that you need to try to help them move from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. • • Because • • if they're complaining about everything, if they're venting about everything, • • if they are a problem pusher and not a problem solver, then they're not a collaborator. They're • really focused on themselves and they're very much focused on when they see a new thing, • • • they see the. It's sort of like • every, • • um, silver lining has a cloud kind of a person. Right. And so • • if you • • • can get them to shift to a growth mindset. And so I'll link it in the show notes. I'm not going to get into teaching about growth mindset and fixed mindset here. I'll link that in the show notes. But, you know, just the words that you use about. Well, we don't know how to do that yet. Um, • • • you know, and, • • you know, • just the active listening, of course, and the reflecting back to them. But really it is possible. I've done this before with some parents, I've done it before with some teachers where you can shift them more to a growth mindset from a fixed mindset. • • Um, another thing, • • • and I've mentioned it a couple times, the way you're going to help them grow is to get them shift from problem pushing to problem solving. They're not doing their job and they're not pulling their weight on the team if they're a problem pusher. • And so, • you know, instead of, uh, they don't want to focus on solutions and so they're not interested in fixing things. They just want to vent and they get stuck in this cycle and then they, and they feel better and then there's a new thing that comes up and then they vent about that and then they feel better and then they're just in this cycle. Well, who are the people that aren't feeling better in all of this? It's the people that are being vented to you, your and the teachers on your team. • • So you want to also help them grow • • • • by helping them consider how they communicate. • • • • And then there's going to be three parts to that. One is you're going to try and literally you're going to try and coach them up on this for them to pause, • • • • uh, show empathy and then to respond instead of react. • • And I'm going to say that again, you want to coach them up if, in the way that they communicate is to pause • to show empathy, and to respond instead of react. • • • • So those are some of the problems right there. They're not pausing. They're just immediately reacting and starting to open their mouth and blah, blah, blah, and complain in ven and whatever. Okay? • • They're lacking empathy because they're not seeing this through the lens of anybody else but themselves. How, huh, does this impact me? I'm upset. I'm going to let people know that. And then • • responding instead of reacting. • • • Responding implies that you've paused and you've thought about it for a second before. And react implies that it's just like, uh, a reflex. And it is. • So we're going to try to coach them a little bit in the way that they communicate with those three things. Pause, empathy, and then respond instead of react. •
Number four is know when to have the tough conversation with an energy vampire
And then that brings us to our fourth and final strategy on how we're going to • • • • effectively deal with the energy Vampire. And number four is know when to have the tough conversation. • • • • So there are going to be times when, despite all your efforts, all your • energy, all of your tricks and • tricks of the trade, that the things don't improve with this person, and they just continue to do what we've described earlier in the episode. • • • And so if this teacher just continues to drain your energy • and to drain your team's energy, • • it's time for a direct and constructive conversation. Okay? And here's the thing. This person might do a really good job in the classroom. Okay? That actually makes it more difficult because sometimes an energy vampire brings other things to the table. • • They might be a really good teacher, but they have this part of their personality that's, like, really problematic. • • And so • • it's your responsibility as the leader • • • • • to know when it's time to have that constructive but tough conversation. • • • And, you know, a couple of tips for when you decide to do that is to just be honest, • but to be empathetic, to be empathic and say, listen, I've noticed that you're feeling frustrated • • • and it's impacting your energy, but it's also impacting my energy. • And I think that it. And from my opinion, it's impacting the team's energy. So let's talk about how we can improve the situation moving forward. • • Or, you know, phrase it through the lens of. It seems like there's a pattern here that when something comes up where there's a change that's announced or when there's a little conflict with a parent or with a colleague that then your reaction is blank. Okay. And you're talking about the pattern. How can I help you get out of that pattern? • • • And then it's helpful to talk about what you see and not what others have told you. And I would really talk a lot about how this impacts you and what, what you are noticing. Let's not get into, well, you know, • • other teachers have said or, you know, they, or about the vibe in the room or whatever, like • • • • you notice it. But let's not bring others into this because then that person's going to get upset and then they're going to have even more difficulty communicating with their colleagues. So, um, you know, we're not going to do that. And then the last thing is, is that we're going to set clear expectations and then hold them accountable for their behavior. And that's really the key in great leadership when it comes to helping someone improve their • • some weakness is to be clear and then hold them accountable. • • And • if you can be clear on what you're after, you know, maybe it's about frequency, maybe it's about, um, duration, maybe it's about location, maybe it's about all three of those, • um, maybe it's about their body language and how they participate in a meeting. And then you're going to check in in a few weeks • and discuss it a little bit more.
Four reasons why we shouldn't ignore the teacher that's an energy vampire
Okay, so just to wrap it up, the four reasons why we shouldn't just ignore the teacher that's an energy vampire is R. Number one, the emotional drain on you. Number two, the emotional drain on your team. Number three, the impact on school culture. Number four, it's your responsibility to help this teacher grow. And then the four strategies to effectively deal with the teacher that's an energy vampire. • Number one, protect yourself. Number two, protect your team. Three is help them grow. And four is to know when to have the tough conversation. • And I like to end every episode with a call to action. And so I want you to pick one strategy and use it this week if you have • • • an, uh, energy vampire on your team. • • •
Five strategies to help you work with difficult parents on the Private School Leader podcast
So to wrap it up, I want to give you another free gift. And this one is called five strategies to help you work with difficult parents. • And we know that working with parents is part of the job and that most of our parents are great, but you know, some of them can be demanding and emotional and difficult. And so this guide is going to give you the tools you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. So you can grab that@the privatescchooly year.com parents. That's the five strategies to help you work with difficult parents@the • privateschooler.com parents. And then just one big favor I would ask of you is that if you could share the link to the podcast with another leader at your school • • or a leader in your life that you met at a conference, somebody that you know as a school leader, whether it's private school, public school, what have you, just share the link. And then also at, uh, your school, there are rising leaders, and the next generation of leaders are very likely the teachers in our schools. And so • who's that rising leader that could be inspired or informed by this content? So, um, if you would share the link with that rising leader and then also with another leader in your life, I would really, really appreciate it. And I'd also love to hear from you. And so if you want to drop me a line@, um, marko.minkusmail.um com and let me know, you know, what's a new strategy or any strategy that you've learned on the podcast, we're at episode 123. • Um, I'd love to hear from you and tell me what did you learn? What are you using? Or also tell me what's the pain point for you right now, because maybe that could be a future episode. So that's Mark Doo • • mincusmail.com. • and the show notes [email protected] episode 123. You can see you can connect with me on Instagram, the Private School Leader. And I just appreciate you so much. Um, I just want to say that you're doing great work at your school, and I know it's exhausting and sometimes frustrating, but I want to thank you for taking some of your precious time out of your week to join me here today. And I will see you next time right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And until then, always remember to serve first, lead second, and make a difference.
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