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Episode 125: This Is An Eviction Notice For The Parent That Is Living Rent-Free In Your Head
I want you to picture a bright pink elephant riding a unicycle.
Now, I want you to stop thinking about it. Just stop. Don’t think about it anymore.
That worked about as well as you trying not to think about that upset parent that is living rent-free in your head. You know which parent I’m talking about. They are not just visiting your house. They backed the U-Haul up to your house and moved all of their furniture into your living room.
Not good. The bad news is that they have moved in and they plan on staying for a long time. The good news is that we are not just going to sit back and accept that. We are going to take action.
On today’s episode of the PSLP, we are going to give An Eviction Notice To The Parent That Is Living Rent-Free In Your Head.
I know that you are super busy, so be sure to listen while you are doing something else. I hope that you will get value from this episode as you serve and lead your school community. Thank you for taking some time out of your day to listen to the podcast!
Thanks for making a difference,
Mark Minkus
I want to say thank you for listening to the podcast by giving you a FREE GIFT. It is called The 7 Steps To Having Successful Meetings With Upset Parents. This guide is an 11 page pdf that gives you a step by step plan to have better meetings with the parents at your school. Every good coach has a game plan. Every good teacher has a lesson plan. Too many private school leaders don’t have a plan when they sit down to meet with an upset parent. Well, now you have a PLAN! You can grab this FREE GUIDE at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/meeting
Are any of these statements true about you?
I have felt that way many times during my career. That’s why I created the PSL Pro Membership
PSL Pro is a membership community that helps Private School Leaders go from feeling stressed out, discouraged and lonely to feeling energized, fulfilled and supported.
You will have access to a thriving community of school leaders who actually "get it" and "get you"! We will go live every month for a Masterclass, a Success Path Coaching Session, two "We Get It" Roundtable Sessions and a live Q&A about anything and everything related to Private School Leadership.
The PSL Pro Success Path is a Step by Step Plan to get you from where you are to where you want to be as a leader. Different Levels: The Overwhelmed Drifter, The Intentional Architect, all the way to The Fulfilled Mentor. After you choose your level, you will be guided, step-by-step, through the content in THRIVE Academy. This content, along with my guidance and the support of other leaders, will take you from where you are all the way to being The Fulfilled Mentor!
Learn more about how you can join the PSL Pro community by going to theprivateschoolleader.com/membership
Is it just me or are the parents at our schools getting more demanding and more intense, more often? Dealing with parents is part of the job as we lead our private schools, but it can quickly lead to stress, anxiety and feeling overwhelmed.
That’s why I created Parent Academy! Now you have a step by step framework that will help you go from feeling stressed and anxious to feeling confident and calm. Over the last 33 years, I have built successful relationships with thousands of parents and I have packaged that knowledge into an online course. Not only that, but after I teach you, I am going to teach your teachers these strategies as well! Parent Academy contains two, 45-minute webinars that are Teacher PD’s with a printable notebook, guided notes and discussion questions. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parentacademy to learn more!
What is your biggest problem right now? I want to hear more about your biggest problem and I want to help you solve it.
Whether your problem is feeling guilty that your family gets what’s left of you at the end of the day, relentless parents, difficult teachers, a lack of boundaries between work and school, feeling overwhelmed, Imposter Syndrome, enrollment or teacher morale, I can help.
I would love to hear more about your biggest problem and I would love to be your coach. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/coaching to learn more about working with me 1-on-1.
Being a private school leader is a VERY difficult job. You have to make hundreds of decisions every day, and you have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, motivate the teachers, deal with student discipline, beat last year’s test scores and come in under budget.
That can lead to you feeling tired, discouraged and stressed out. I’ve been there. That’s why I created THRIVE Academy just for you. THRIVE Academy is a digital course that will help you get out of survival mode and get back to feeling energized at school. To learn more, go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/thrive
I am excited to share with you a new resource and I want to give this to you as a FREE GIFT to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. It is called The 7 Secrets To Improving Teacher Morale. As private school leaders, we are always looking for ways to improve teacher morale at our schools, but it is hard to know where to start. Well, now you have a step by step plan and you can grab it at theprivateschoolleader.com/morale
I want to give you a FREE gift called 7 Strategies To Effectively Deal With Difficult Teachers. Sometimes we need some courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. What you need is a plan! This guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and improve their attitude. Go to theprivateschoolleader.com/difficult to grab this free guide!
I’ve created a free resource for you called “The 6 Things That Every Private School Teacher Wants From Their Leader”. This guide is a 6 page pdf that will be a game changer for you. I guarantee you that if you do these 6 things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. You can pick up your free guide by going to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/guide
I want to give you a gift to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. I have created a FREE guide for you called “5 Strategies To Help You Work With Difficult Parents”. We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. This guide will give you the tools that you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parents to grab the guide. Thank you again for listening every week!
Please check out all of the free resources on my website that can help you serve and lead your school community. There are "Plug & Play PD's" (45 minute webinars with guided notes) as well as Top 10 Lists of Leadership Books, Productivity Books and TED Talks over at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/resources. You can grab the show notes for today's episode at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/episode125
Please write a review of this podcast and help the algorithm push this content out to more leaders. I would love to get your feedback about the podcast, ideas for future episodes and hear about how you are implementing these strategies in your life and at your school. You can email me at [email protected] Thanks!!
I’ve created a FREE RESOURCE for you called “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. This is a 10 page pdf that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. Litigation is expensive, time consuming and extremely stressful. This common sense guide will help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. You can grab “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/lawsuit. Thanks!
I am excited to share a brand new resource with you. It is a 9 page pdf called: “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” What is “Verbal Judo”? "Verbal Judo" is a communication strategy that focuses on using words effectively to de-escalate conflict, resolve disputes, and achieve positive outcomes in various interpersonal interactions, particularly in high-pressure situations.
George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art Of Persuasion. So, I have taken several important strategies from the book and applied them to your life as a private school leader. Grab your free copy of “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/judo
TRANSCRIPT:
Welcome to the Private School Leader podcast, where private school leaders learn how to thrive and not just survive as they serve and lead their schools. • • I strongly believe that it is possible to have a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And my passion is to help you figure out exactly how to do just that right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And I'm your host, Mark Minkus. • • • So I want you to. I want to ask you to think about something, • • • and then I'm gonna ask you to stop thinking about it. So I want you to think about • • • • a bright pink elephant • • riding a unicycle. • • • So just picture that in your mind. A bright pink elephant • riding a unicycle. • • • And now • I want you to just stop thinking about it. • • • Think about something else. Don't think about the bright pink elephant riding a unicycle. Just think about anything else. • • • So • • • we know • • that me trying to do that with you is just about as effective • as trying not to think about that upset parent that's living rent free in your head. • • It just doesn't work. • • • And so, you know, these are parents • • • • that they're not just visiting your place. They your house there. They've backed up the U Haul • and unloaded their stuff and moved in, • and they're all settled in. • • • • • And • • that negative interaction, that stressful interaction, that • stress about what might happen or how they might react or • • • • what might be the outcome of this meeting that's coming up, • • • • they've moved in, • and they're living there rent free. And it's not good. It's really not good. • • • • • But on this podcast, we're all about taking action and not just accepting that, saying, well, I guess this is my life. I guess this is just how it's gonna be. I'm gonna think about this parent all the time. And then once I resolve that or they graduate or they leave the school, I guess there'll be another parent that will replace that parent. No, • we're going to do something about it. We are going to take action. • • And on today's episode of the Private School Leader podcast, we are going to • give an eviction notice to the parent that is living rent free in your head. • • • • • And before we do that, I.
I created Parent Academy to help private school leaders deal with difficult parents
You know, while we're speaking about parents, I have a question for you. You know, is it just me or the parents at our schools getting more demanding, more intense more often? • • You know, dealing with parents is part of the job as we lead our private schools. But we also, • • um, have stress and anxiety and can feel overwhelmed pretty quickly. • • And that's why I created Parent Academy. And now you have a step by step framework that will help you go from feeling stressed and anxious to feeling confident and calm. • And over the last 33 years, • I've built successful relationships with thousands of parents. And I've taken everything that I know and packaged that knowledge into an online course. • • And after I teach you in four modules, all of that, • • • then I'm going to teach your teachers those strategies as well. Because parent academy contains two 45 minute webinars that are teacher PDs with a printable notebook and guided notes and discussion questions. • • And I'm hearing from schools in Ohio and Texas and California and North Carolina that have used the, uh, 45 minute webinars and the feedback has been really, really good. There was a teacher in North Carolina who said, I've been in education for 30 years and this is the best PD that I've ever attended. • • And so I want to get that into your hands. And so I'd love for you to go to the privatescgler.com parentacademy and check it out. It's all there for you@the privategler.com ParentAcademy and again, while we're talking about parents, I want to give you a free gift that will help and that is a, uh, free guide for you called 5 Strategies to Help you work with difficult parents. • • • We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. And this guide will give you the tools you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. So you can go to the privatescoolator.com parents to grab the guide and thank you again for listening every week. And then one quick reminder that recently I launched PSL Pro, which is a membership community that helps private school leaders go from feeling stressed out, discouraged and lonely to feeling energized, fulfilled and supported. Had our first live masterclass this week and, um, just we have a thriving community of school leaders. They actually get it and they get you. • • And we go live once a week. Whether it's a MasterCL or SuccessPH coaching session or twice a month. We get it roundtable session or live Q and A. • Um, and there's a PSL Pro success path. And it's going to take you from • • being either the overwhelmed drifter or the intentional architect all the way up to being the skilled builder or the fulfilled mentor. There's five different levels and the path will take you through those levels as a private school leader. So I just want you to, you know, hopefully you're curious and would love for you to check out a little bit more about that and love for you to join this community of private school leaders. • • And you can check that out@the privatescoolleader.com • • • • membership. • •
Today we're talking about parents that live rent free in your head
So we're talking about parents that live rent free in your head. And today we're going to give them an eviction notice. But the way that we're going to do that is to first of all talk about what is actually happening when we're in this time loop. You know, it's like Groundhog Day where • • and we just can't get, um, off. You know, we're on this hamster wheel, we're playing a broken record and it's Groundhog Day and we just can't get that parent out of our head. So what is actually happening? Why does this happen? • • Why does • • • something that we. Why does something that we are doing • • actually make the problem worse? And then give you eight strategies to evict the parent that is living rent free in your head? So we're going to examine it a little bit and then of course I'm going to give you actionable strategies. And so I know that eight strategies is a lot. I know this is a really important topic to you and so of course I will take good care of you in the show notes. That's the privatescchool leader.com • episode125 and it'll all be there for you to revisit when you have the time • Allgh.
What are ruminating thoughts and why do they happen
So what is actually happening? • • • Well, what's actually happening is ruminating thoughts. • We're having ruminating thoughts about a parent and we've all had them, you know, there. It could come from a single conversation or an email or a quick encounter or maybe it's an ongoing problem and it just kind of hijacks your brain. And then you get into this loop and like I said, it's like, • you know, the way I like to describe it is you're on a hamster wheel, there's a broken record playing in the background and it's Groundhog Day and so you just can't seem to get out of there. And then this just continues to consume your thoughts and consume all of your attention. • • And so these are called ruminating thoughts. • • So's let's define that a little further. So I told you, • • you know, this parent that's living rent free in your head, what you're having are ruminating thoughts. But what actually are ruminating thoughts. So these are the repetitive • • and intrusive menal mental patterns • where you fixate on a particular issue. So let me hit you with that definition one more time. Ruminating thoughts are repetitive intrusive mental patterns where you fixate a particular issue. • • • • So that sounds about right. You know, you've got that thing at school and's here's the other part of this. Just to pause for a second. Maybe you're, maybe you don't have a parent living rent free in your head, but you do have the budget or enrollment or some other thing that is living rent free in your head. This episode, these strategies. • • It'snna, uh, I'm not going to say it will fix your ruminating thoughts, but it will equip you to make them better and to have them happen less often and have them be less intrusive. And so it isn't just about a parent issue. It could be about any issue at school that you can't stop thinking about. And so I just wanted to insert that quickly here because, um, • • these strategies can be effective for other issues as well. And so these ruminating thoughts, • • um, as we continue like defining what are they, we can say that they, you affect your mood and your energy • and of course they affect your focus because you're just so distracted • and they're annoying. But they're also really unproductive because • • the thoughts don't lead to action and they don't lead to problem solving. And it's like, okay, Mark, tell me something that I don't know. All right, I get it. But • really they lead to just a sense of helplessness and frustration. • • And so if we're stuck with these ruminating thoughts, • and especially if these thoughts are stressful, • • • we are going to be in this • • loop, in this spiral, whatever you want to call it, and we got to get out of that, um, that spiral or that loop, um, • of these, this mental pattern of ruminating thoughts. • • So • let's talk about for a moment why they happen. • • • • • And then I want to talk for just another minute or two about how this activates the fight or flight response. And that actually makes everything worse. And then we'll get into the strategies to fix it. So why do they happen? Okay, so ruminating thoughts happen when we feel threatened or helpless or uncertain. Um, um, we feel anxious. We feel, you know, so though that, that makes sense, right? So the, the thing that we're thinking about at school, in this case the parent that's living rent free in your head, • • • • you know, we're anxious about it. We feel Uncomfortable because of the issue, because of the complexity of the issue. You know, it's a board members s kid, it's a teacher's kid that is the subject of the issue, um, • whatever the case might be. • • And you know, you can't. It also could come from like a lack of, um, • feeling competent or confident. And you know, • your brain goes into overdrive because you're just not sure what to do. How do I respond to that email? Do I have a meeting or do I do an email? And if I'm going to have a meeting, how should that meeting play out? Um, and then it also could be after the fact that you had the meeting or you had the conversation, or you had the interaction in the bleachers at the volleyball game or in the lobby of the, you know, the auditorium before the concert. And so then you just keep replaying it again and again in your mind. And I shouldn't have said that or I should have said this. And that thing that they said really hurt my feelings. And you know, uh, here we are, we're in that loop. And here's the problem, is that this is your brain's way of trying to solve the issue. Trying to solve it. • But we know from experience, every one of us private school leaders, all of us that are me talking and you listening, we know • • • that all of this, this thinking, this mental pattern that we can't get out of • • • these intrusive thoughts, • • it doesn't solve the issue • • • • and it actually makes things worse. And here's why. • • • • • Not only does • • rumination not solve anything, but it triggers your fight or flight response. And we've talked about fight or flight on this podcast before. • • Um, I'll link the episode in the show notes • of how to avoid Amygdala hijack in High Stress situations. There's a lot of strategies there that will help and I'll probably refer to that episode at least one more time during this episode. • • But when that fight or flight response is activated, • • • we know from Psych 101 • • • that it is intended for immediate action. It's right there in the name • • • either we're gonna confront the danger fight or we're going to avoid the danger and take flight. We're going to run. So we're going to fight or we're going to take flight. And so it's immediate is the action that we're supposed to take. When that fight or flight response is activated, our brain is flooded with cortisol, the blood flows tar extremities so that we can actually run faster. Adrenaline, uh, • • • Spike, heart rate goes up, skin temperature goes up. All the things that happened during fight or flight, • • but it's intended for immediate action. • • • But when we're ruminating on thinking about a parent, • • • • maybe the whatever they're upset about doesn't matter. The reason why our brain doesn't recognize that we're not in physical danger. • • • • Your brain, • • • boom, fight or flight does all the things, • • all the physical, • • the physiological responses. • • • • • • But then it's kind of like the brain looks around for the grizzly bear that's chasing you and doesn't see the bear. And so it keeps pumping more cortisol into your brain • • so that you can run faster, you can be more focused on the danger and that you can get away • • • • • or you can get hyped up to fight the grizzly bear. But this is a psychological threat and not a physical threat. And our body is acting like this is literally a life or death situation. Okay? So I want to say that again and just think about a parent or a school issue that you can't get out of your head • and see if it fits this description. You're dealing with a psychological threat, not a physical threat, • but your body reacts as though you're in a life or death situation. • • • And not only that, it gets worse. You're multiplying that over days and weeks. • • • • • And our body was never designed to stay in fight or flight for more than just a few minutes more. • • Never designed to stay in fight or flight longer than it takes to • • • • • fight the danger or to run away from the danger. And yet here we are, brain marinating in cortisol • • hour after hour, day after day. Your brain isn't helping you solve the problem. • It's keeping you in that fight or flight mode. It's incre. Increasing, uh, like I said, your stress hormone of cortisol. And then it just helps us to feel more anxious, more reactive, more irritable, more tired, more stressed out, more overwhelmed. • • • • • And so it's like, oh, uh, geez, • • • this is a lot of bad news you're giving me today, Mark. Okay, so I don't know about you, but when someone comes up to me and says, hey, I've got good news and bad news, which do you want first? I always say that I want the bad news first • • • • because while I'm listening to the bad news, I know that something good is coming or something better is coming. Okay, so I just gave you all the bad news and then I'm going to give you the strategies to do something about it. And that's the good news, is that it doesn't have to stay this way. • • And so, • • • • just to pause for a moment, what we've done is we've talked about what's actually happening when you are perseverating or having intrusive thoughts or stuck in this mental • loop, this pattern of, • um, constantly thinking, this parent that's living rent free in your head. We talked about what's happening. They're called ruminating thoughts. • • We talked about why they're happening, • • and then we also talked about how the fight or flight response kicking in • actually makes things worse. • • • So now that you know the bad news, • • • let's focus on some strategies that we can use to overcome • • these ruminating thoughts. • • •
I'm about to give you eight strategies to help you multitask
All right? And then just real quick, • • two disclaimers. Number one first disclaimer is, I'm about to give you eight strategies. That's a lot. And I know that most of you are multitasking while you listen to this podcast, and I actually encourage you to do that because you're so busy that you need to listen while you're driving to or from school or running errands or working out or walking the dog. Awesome. • • But, • • • • • • • uh, eight is a lot to remember. And so the first thing I want you to know and remember is that in the show notes@, uh, • thepr privatechoolader.com Episode 125, these eight strategies will be there for you when you have time. To return to this. • The second disclaimer is that eight is a lot. • • • And there's no way that you're going to implement all eight of these strategies. • So when you're thinking about these, when you're listening to these, just pick one, • maybe two at the most, • • and see if they work to help get you out of that loop. • •
Identify that you are engaging in ruminating thoughts and implement strategies
Okay? Strategy number one • • • is to recognize that you are engaging in rumination, • • Recognize you are engaging in rumination. • • • And • • the number one way to get out of this • • • is to identify that you're ruminating and literally to say to yourself, okay, I'm ruminating right now. • • • • • And that sounds silly. It sounds • maybe too simple. And I'm not saying that any of these are simple. • • What you're dealing with is very, very hard, very difficult, very. Can be life changing. • • • • • • • I don't want to imply that any of these are simple, • • but the number one thing that's most important • • • is to • recognize • • • that what you're doing is having ruminating thoughts. Okay? • • Because many people struggle to tell the difference • • • between thinking about something with purpose. • • • Because we talk ourselves into, well, I'm just thinking about it because I'm kind of thinking about well, how am I going to solve the problem? • • Okay, um, that's probably not what's happening. • • • • • • • • Most of us have a hard time telling the difference between simply thinking about something and ruminating on it. • • • • • Thinking about something with purpose and strategy. That's good. • Ruminating on it. Unhelpful, crippling, • • • frustrating, • • • bad for you. All the things, okay? So it's important to identify I'm ruminating. • • • • • And one thing that's helped me • • is it's important to become a curious observer. I want you to hear that phrase, curious observer of the situation. • We are in the situation, • • • but what we need to do is try to get out in our minds and be an observer, a curious observer of the situation. • • And the mental picture that's helped me is • • • I'm in the, uh, raft • • on the whitewater rafting river, • and I've got on my life jacket and my helmet, and I've got my paddle in hand • • • • and I'm bouncing down the river on the whitewater rafting trip. Okay? • • But • • • then I imagine myself • • • standing on the shore. I'm still wearing my life jacket, I'm wearing my helmet, I'm holding my pedal, but I'm watching that raft go down the whiteater river. • • • I'm a curious observer of the situation. And if you can become that, that is a huge step in the right direction to recognize that you're ruminating. • • • And then that is going to allow you to implement these strategies. So strategy number one is recognized that you are engaging in ruminating thoughts. Okay? Step, um, strategy number two, gain perspective so that you don't catastrophize. Okay? So now that you're the curious observer standing on the shore, • • • watching the whitewater raft go down the river, • • • • you're going to ask yourself, • • • • • is this really a life or death situation? • • • • • • • And in most cases, the answer is no. • • • • • And we have to try to remind ourselves, as hard as it is, that this is a temporary challenge. • • • • It's not life or death. It's not an existential crisis. • • • • • • It feels like it • • • because our brains are flooded with cortisol and we're. Everything inside of us is screaming that we need to fight or flee. • • • • • • • • • • • • • But it's because of the cortisol. • • • Your brain, I said your brain is marinating in cortisol. • • • And so that is what's making you feel like • • • this is • • worthy • • • • of a catastrophe. • • • And so in the show notes, um, • • I'm going to link, uh, you to the episode on amygdala hijack, and I'll not only the episode, but I'also link you to the show notes. Because in the show notes for that episode, I think it's 106, there are, there's a link to a DEC caastrophizing worksheet. • And if you print out a few of these on the copy machine and have a few at home and a few at work, • and you're engaging in ruminating thoughts and you pull out this • • • • DEC catastrophizing worksheet and you answer the four or five questions, • • • • • almost everybody that does it feels better after they do it. Okay. • • • These are designed by • • • highly skilled and highly experienced • psychologists, um, • • • • and therapists. • • Um, DEC Caastrophizing worksheets work a lot of the time. • So • • • strategy one, we're going toa name it. We're going toa, you know, engage. We're going to name that we're engaged in ruminating thoughts. And then number two is that we're going toa gain perspective and stop catastrophizing. We're going to use that/rop, dec caastrophizing worksheet. • And that brings us to strategy number three. We're going to try and avoid triggers that are going to trigger the thoughts about this parent in the first place. And I think this is especially true outside of school. Maybe when you're driving home or at bedtime when you're trying to fall asleep. Or for me, it's like when I'm in the shower, when I'm cutting grass and there's no, like, distractions and I'm sort of alone with my thoughts. Whenever there's like, quote unquote quiet time, that's when the ruminating thoughts really start to, uh, get geared up. • • • And so the way that I'm going to send you in the right direction on how to avoid triggers • • • is I'm going to link episode 75 in the show notes. And the title of that episode is Stop inviting parents into your home after 7pm • • • • • • • • Stop inviting parents into your home after 7pm and so that episode I really got into, how can you kind of keep that parent and the thoughts about that parent at school? • • • And so I won't get into all of that here, but I will link it and you can go back and listen to that again. • • And so we're going to try and avoid the triggers, • • especially outside of school and especially during the more quiet times outside of school. • •
We are typically dysregulated emotionally. But at some point in time, we all need to
All right, strategy number four then is we're going to regulate the autonomic nervous system. • • • • • • • • And I know that's easier said than done, but when we're having ruminating Thoughts. We are typically • dysregulated emotionally. • • • • And I want you to think back. You know, I know most of the listeners of this podcast that are school leaders at some point in the past were teachers. You know, not everyone, but, you know, most of you were. • • And when you were a teacher in the classroom, • • • • 1m of the things you did all the time, all day long, was to take kids that were emotionally dysregulated and help them become regulated. • • • • Regardless of the age of the kid that you taught, and depending on where you taught and what year it was, there were maybe more or less of those kids that needed it. But • • • • • • • • • at some point in time, we all need to go from being emotionally dysregulated to being regulated. • • • And so • • all of the tricks, all of the tools, all of the things that you can do, • • um, I put together quite a list. • • They're in the show notes of episode 106. They'll be in the show notes for this episode. The privatehoolear.com Episode 1, 2, 5. • • • • Episode 106 is how to avoid amygdala hijack. • • I'm talking box breathing the physiological sigh. • • • • The, um, • strategy of Name it to tame it. • • • Um, actually drinking a lot of water right when you wake up in the morning because you're most dehydrated and staying hydrated during the day. A lot of us are in a constant state of dehydration, and that makes • it much more likely that our autonomic nervous system will become dysregulated. So there's a lot of things that we can do • • • to regulate the autonomic nervous system, • and those will all be linked for you in the show notes.
Set a timer for five minutes and then the beeper goes off
Okay, that brings us to strategy number five, and that is set a timer. Okay, now this one's going to sound a little weird, but if you set a timer and you just say, okay, I'm going to ruminate for five minutes • • • • and then the beeper goes off. Okay, • • • • • • • now that sounds strange, • • but it works. It works for a lot of people. Okay, • • you're going to give yourself permission to worry about this, to ruminate, to worry, to think, to be, to feel anxious. But you're going to do it for five minutes and then you're going to say, okay, I did my ruminating. I'm go goingna move on with the rest of my evening. • • • • • • • • • And • • • you might say, that doesn't sound like it's going toa work. • • Try it. • • • • Because • • • when you give yourself permission • • to have those ruminating thoughts, but you put a time limit on it, • • • • • • • • sometimes that tells the brain, okay, I did the thing and now I can go on and do something else. • • • • And I want to make a quick analogy there. The statistics about the divorce rate after people win the lottery, a couple, one of the people in the relationship win the lottery. • • • • • • People that are married, the divorce rate is like 75% • • after a big lottery win. • • • And also the number of people that blow all the money • and have no money within less than three years is very high. Okay? And when people win the lottery and they actually go talk to a financial advisor, what many of them advise them to do is to take 10% of the payout and to just blow it. Blow 10% on something ridiculous. • Something that just, you know, • • • • • • • that souped up sports car or that trip that's, uh, uh, you know, luxurious and • crazy • • over the top, blow 10% of it, • • • and then get serious about the other 90% • • • people who do that. • • • Divorce rates low and • • • chances that they hang on to that money high because they got it out of their system and it was a small percentage • • • • and they just did the thing. But then they got that out of their system and they, then they went on and were more rational. And in some ways, I think that setting a timer for five minutes and saying, I'm going to ruminate, • have ruminating thoughts about this parent or this issue at school, you allow yourself, but you time yourself. • • • • • • • • • What, what's the, what's the harm in trying it? Even if it sounds ridiculous, what's the harm in trying it? Number five is set a time, or number six, write it down and put it away. • • All right, • so • • • this is another one that might sound kind of strange, but let's say that you're getting ready to leave school. • • You take a piece of paper, • • • you write that parent's name on the piece of paper, and then you • • put it in a drawer. • • • • • • You're giving your brain permission • • • that I don't need to think all evening • about this particular parent. • • I'm, um, just pressing pause. • • I'm putting it in a reliable place. See, the brain • • doesn't want you to forget about this parent because • • it's important and you need to resolve this issue and you need to blah, blah, blah. Okay, so when we put things in a reliable place, • • • • it closes a loop in the brain. And the brain's like, okay, she's got this, or, okay, he's got this. • • • • • • And so • • • • write it down and put it away when you're going to leave for the day. And this parent is taking up a lot of headspace. • • • Write their name down on a piece of paper. Put it in the drawer, • • • give your brain permission to just set that down quot unquote • • and then you can deal with it and take action on it the next morning. • • • • • • • It works • for many people. It works. I'm not saying that any of these work for everybody, but each of them work for some people or many people. And it's really just a matter of you • • • trying a couple. And, uh, that one didn't work at all. Okay. That's why there's eight.
Use a positive distraction by changing the activity you're doing
All right. • • • And then strategy seven is to use a positive distraction by changing the activity. Now I want to give a disclaimer. You're probably still thinking about that bright pink elephant on the unicycle, right? • • And so I don't want to say, oh, well, just think about something else, because that's not how this works. And actually telling someone, well, just stop thinking about it. We know how we feel. If someone were to tell us that. So we're not going to tell people that. I'm not going to tell you that. But if you're doing something, or probably most likely doing nothing, • or doing something where there's a lot of quiet and • um, white or white noise and you're thinking too much about this parent or this school issue, • • • • it is especially true • • • about changing the activity if the activity requires physical • • • movement • • or cognitive skills. • • • So let's say you go for a brisk walk in your neighborhood, just a, uh, five or ten minute brisk paced walk, • • and you could put in your headphones and listen to a true crime podcast or this podcast or anyone that is going to make you use your brain a little bit. Okay? And there are many people who, the thing that really works for them is to just start doing multiplication tables. • • Because the locus of control while you're having ruminating thoughts is in the emotional part of your brain. It's in the, uh, amygdala. And what you want to do is change the locus of control to the prefrontal cortex where logic and reason take place. • • • And one of the ways that you can do that is to start doing multiplication tables in your head or anything that just requires a cogitive, • • um, cognitive abilities. • • So • • • use a positive distraction and change the activity. • • That's not me saying don't think about it. That's me saying that if you move your body • • or you start doing multiplication tables or something similar, a suduo or whatever, • • • that it could make a difference. • • And then that brings us to number eight, which is strategy. Number eight is focused on what you can control. You can't control everything, especially how parents react how parents act, • • • but you can control how you respond. • • • And if you can try • • your hardest to shift your attention • • • from what you can do next, • • • • • if you can shift your attention to what you can do next, or to, to resolve this or to address the issue instead of just worrying, worrying, worrying, worrying, worrying about the outcome. • • • • • It's about shifting to take action • • • instead of worrying about things that you can't control. And I'll admit, this is probably the hardest one on the list. This is why we're in this spot, uh, in the first place, is because we're focused on the stuff that's out of our control and that's stressing us out. • But again, if you can press pause, become a curious observer of the situation, • • • • • • then you can • focus a little more on what can I control? Put your energy into that, and then you might have a little bit less energy that you're putting into • • • • the worrying and the thinking and the ruminating thoughts. • •
We talked about what is actually happening when we have ruminating thoughts
All right, so what are the big takeaways from today's episode? We talked about what is actually happening, which is ruminating thoughts. • We talked about, you know, why does this happen? • • Um, and we also talked about, what are ruminating thoughts? Those repetitive, intrusive • • mental patterns where we fixate on a particular issue and it affects our mood and energy and, • um, our anxiety levels. • • And, you know, why does it happen and what makes it worse? Well, it happens because it's a brain's way of trying to solve an issue. And the thing that makes it worse is, is that it triggers our fight or flight response, • • but that we have to remember that this is a psychological threat and not a physical threat. Our body is acting and reacting like it's a physical threat. • • And then I gave you eight strategies for making this better. • To give that eviction notice to the parent that's living rent free in your head. Number one, recognize you're engaging in ruminating thoughts. Number two, gain perspective so you don't catastrophize. • • Three, avoid triggers. Four, regulate your autonomic nervous system. Five, set a timer. Six, write it down, put it away. Seven, use a positive distraction, • • especially physical activity or cognitive skills needed. And number eight, focus on what you can control. • And then I like to end every episode with a call to action. And yours is to just pick one strategy, just one, and try it, and then see if it makes a difference. • • • •
7 Steps to Having Successful Meetings with Parents with Upset Parents
And I want to give you another gift for listening to the podcast and just say thank you for spending your time here. And this one's called 7 Steps to Having Successful Meetings with Parents with Upset Parents. And it's an 11 page PDF that gives you seven steps. • • • You know, I think that every good coach has a game plan. Every good teacher has a lesson plan. Too many private school leaders don't have a plan when they sit down to meet with an upset parent. Well, now you have a plan. • And you can grab the free guide at the privateschool leader.com meeting. That's seven steps to have a successful meeting with an upset parent. The privatescgoolal.com meeting. A, uh, quick reminder that I think Parent Academy could be a game changer for you and your teachers. • • It's four modules for you, and then it's two 45 minute PDs for your teachers. • • • And I told you that the reviews are coming in from North Carolina, Ohio, Texas, California, and they're pretty good. And I think that they could be pretty good at your school too. So check that out. The privatechooladeer.com • • parentacademy and if you could do me one favor, and that is to just share the link to this episode with another leader at your school or a rising leader at your school, because they're dealing with parents too. And it would just be a way to get the word out and to get more people hearing this content so that it can help them • • • thrive and get out of survival mode when it comes to being a private school leader. So I just really appreciate you. Um, I want to say how much I'm impressed by the amazing work that you do at your school. And thank you so much for taking some of your precious time to join me here today. And I'll see you next time right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And until then, always remember to serve first, lead second, and make a difference.
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By Mark Minkus
4.8
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I want you to picture a bright pink elephant riding a unicycle.
Now, I want you to stop thinking about it. Just stop. Don’t think about it anymore.
That worked about as well as you trying not to think about that upset parent that is living rent-free in your head. You know which parent I’m talking about. They are not just visiting your house. They backed the U-Haul up to your house and moved all of their furniture into your living room.
Not good. The bad news is that they have moved in and they plan on staying for a long time. The good news is that we are not just going to sit back and accept that. We are going to take action.
On today’s episode of the PSLP, we are going to give An Eviction Notice To The Parent That Is Living Rent-Free In Your Head.
I know that you are super busy, so be sure to listen while you are doing something else. I hope that you will get value from this episode as you serve and lead your school community. Thank you for taking some time out of your day to listen to the podcast!
Thanks for making a difference,
Mark Minkus
I want to say thank you for listening to the podcast by giving you a FREE GIFT. It is called The 7 Steps To Having Successful Meetings With Upset Parents. This guide is an 11 page pdf that gives you a step by step plan to have better meetings with the parents at your school. Every good coach has a game plan. Every good teacher has a lesson plan. Too many private school leaders don’t have a plan when they sit down to meet with an upset parent. Well, now you have a PLAN! You can grab this FREE GUIDE at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/meeting
Are any of these statements true about you?
I have felt that way many times during my career. That’s why I created the PSL Pro Membership
PSL Pro is a membership community that helps Private School Leaders go from feeling stressed out, discouraged and lonely to feeling energized, fulfilled and supported.
You will have access to a thriving community of school leaders who actually "get it" and "get you"! We will go live every month for a Masterclass, a Success Path Coaching Session, two "We Get It" Roundtable Sessions and a live Q&A about anything and everything related to Private School Leadership.
The PSL Pro Success Path is a Step by Step Plan to get you from where you are to where you want to be as a leader. Different Levels: The Overwhelmed Drifter, The Intentional Architect, all the way to The Fulfilled Mentor. After you choose your level, you will be guided, step-by-step, through the content in THRIVE Academy. This content, along with my guidance and the support of other leaders, will take you from where you are all the way to being The Fulfilled Mentor!
Learn more about how you can join the PSL Pro community by going to theprivateschoolleader.com/membership
Is it just me or are the parents at our schools getting more demanding and more intense, more often? Dealing with parents is part of the job as we lead our private schools, but it can quickly lead to stress, anxiety and feeling overwhelmed.
That’s why I created Parent Academy! Now you have a step by step framework that will help you go from feeling stressed and anxious to feeling confident and calm. Over the last 33 years, I have built successful relationships with thousands of parents and I have packaged that knowledge into an online course. Not only that, but after I teach you, I am going to teach your teachers these strategies as well! Parent Academy contains two, 45-minute webinars that are Teacher PD’s with a printable notebook, guided notes and discussion questions. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parentacademy to learn more!
What is your biggest problem right now? I want to hear more about your biggest problem and I want to help you solve it.
Whether your problem is feeling guilty that your family gets what’s left of you at the end of the day, relentless parents, difficult teachers, a lack of boundaries between work and school, feeling overwhelmed, Imposter Syndrome, enrollment or teacher morale, I can help.
I would love to hear more about your biggest problem and I would love to be your coach. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/coaching to learn more about working with me 1-on-1.
Being a private school leader is a VERY difficult job. You have to make hundreds of decisions every day, and you have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, motivate the teachers, deal with student discipline, beat last year’s test scores and come in under budget.
That can lead to you feeling tired, discouraged and stressed out. I’ve been there. That’s why I created THRIVE Academy just for you. THRIVE Academy is a digital course that will help you get out of survival mode and get back to feeling energized at school. To learn more, go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/thrive
I am excited to share with you a new resource and I want to give this to you as a FREE GIFT to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. It is called The 7 Secrets To Improving Teacher Morale. As private school leaders, we are always looking for ways to improve teacher morale at our schools, but it is hard to know where to start. Well, now you have a step by step plan and you can grab it at theprivateschoolleader.com/morale
I want to give you a FREE gift called 7 Strategies To Effectively Deal With Difficult Teachers. Sometimes we need some courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. What you need is a plan! This guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and improve their attitude. Go to theprivateschoolleader.com/difficult to grab this free guide!
I’ve created a free resource for you called “The 6 Things That Every Private School Teacher Wants From Their Leader”. This guide is a 6 page pdf that will be a game changer for you. I guarantee you that if you do these 6 things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. You can pick up your free guide by going to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/guide
I want to give you a gift to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. I have created a FREE guide for you called “5 Strategies To Help You Work With Difficult Parents”. We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. This guide will give you the tools that you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parents to grab the guide. Thank you again for listening every week!
Please check out all of the free resources on my website that can help you serve and lead your school community. There are "Plug & Play PD's" (45 minute webinars with guided notes) as well as Top 10 Lists of Leadership Books, Productivity Books and TED Talks over at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/resources. You can grab the show notes for today's episode at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/episode125
Please write a review of this podcast and help the algorithm push this content out to more leaders. I would love to get your feedback about the podcast, ideas for future episodes and hear about how you are implementing these strategies in your life and at your school. You can email me at [email protected] Thanks!!
I’ve created a FREE RESOURCE for you called “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. This is a 10 page pdf that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. Litigation is expensive, time consuming and extremely stressful. This common sense guide will help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. You can grab “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/lawsuit. Thanks!
I am excited to share a brand new resource with you. It is a 9 page pdf called: “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” What is “Verbal Judo”? "Verbal Judo" is a communication strategy that focuses on using words effectively to de-escalate conflict, resolve disputes, and achieve positive outcomes in various interpersonal interactions, particularly in high-pressure situations.
George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art Of Persuasion. So, I have taken several important strategies from the book and applied them to your life as a private school leader. Grab your free copy of “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/judo
TRANSCRIPT:
Welcome to the Private School Leader podcast, where private school leaders learn how to thrive and not just survive as they serve and lead their schools. • • I strongly believe that it is possible to have a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And my passion is to help you figure out exactly how to do just that right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And I'm your host, Mark Minkus. • • • So I want you to. I want to ask you to think about something, • • • and then I'm gonna ask you to stop thinking about it. So I want you to think about • • • • a bright pink elephant • • riding a unicycle. • • • So just picture that in your mind. A bright pink elephant • riding a unicycle. • • • And now • I want you to just stop thinking about it. • • • Think about something else. Don't think about the bright pink elephant riding a unicycle. Just think about anything else. • • • So • • • we know • • that me trying to do that with you is just about as effective • as trying not to think about that upset parent that's living rent free in your head. • • It just doesn't work. • • • And so, you know, these are parents • • • • that they're not just visiting your place. They your house there. They've backed up the U Haul • and unloaded their stuff and moved in, • and they're all settled in. • • • • • And • • that negative interaction, that stressful interaction, that • stress about what might happen or how they might react or • • • • what might be the outcome of this meeting that's coming up, • • • • they've moved in, • and they're living there rent free. And it's not good. It's really not good. • • • • • But on this podcast, we're all about taking action and not just accepting that, saying, well, I guess this is my life. I guess this is just how it's gonna be. I'm gonna think about this parent all the time. And then once I resolve that or they graduate or they leave the school, I guess there'll be another parent that will replace that parent. No, • we're going to do something about it. We are going to take action. • • And on today's episode of the Private School Leader podcast, we are going to • give an eviction notice to the parent that is living rent free in your head. • • • • • And before we do that, I.
I created Parent Academy to help private school leaders deal with difficult parents
You know, while we're speaking about parents, I have a question for you. You know, is it just me or the parents at our schools getting more demanding, more intense more often? • • You know, dealing with parents is part of the job as we lead our private schools. But we also, • • um, have stress and anxiety and can feel overwhelmed pretty quickly. • • And that's why I created Parent Academy. And now you have a step by step framework that will help you go from feeling stressed and anxious to feeling confident and calm. • And over the last 33 years, • I've built successful relationships with thousands of parents. And I've taken everything that I know and packaged that knowledge into an online course. • • And after I teach you in four modules, all of that, • • • then I'm going to teach your teachers those strategies as well. Because parent academy contains two 45 minute webinars that are teacher PDs with a printable notebook and guided notes and discussion questions. • • And I'm hearing from schools in Ohio and Texas and California and North Carolina that have used the, uh, 45 minute webinars and the feedback has been really, really good. There was a teacher in North Carolina who said, I've been in education for 30 years and this is the best PD that I've ever attended. • • And so I want to get that into your hands. And so I'd love for you to go to the privatescgler.com parentacademy and check it out. It's all there for you@the privategler.com ParentAcademy and again, while we're talking about parents, I want to give you a free gift that will help and that is a, uh, free guide for you called 5 Strategies to Help you work with difficult parents. • • • We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. And this guide will give you the tools you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. So you can go to the privatescoolator.com parents to grab the guide and thank you again for listening every week. And then one quick reminder that recently I launched PSL Pro, which is a membership community that helps private school leaders go from feeling stressed out, discouraged and lonely to feeling energized, fulfilled and supported. Had our first live masterclass this week and, um, just we have a thriving community of school leaders. They actually get it and they get you. • • And we go live once a week. Whether it's a MasterCL or SuccessPH coaching session or twice a month. We get it roundtable session or live Q and A. • Um, and there's a PSL Pro success path. And it's going to take you from • • being either the overwhelmed drifter or the intentional architect all the way up to being the skilled builder or the fulfilled mentor. There's five different levels and the path will take you through those levels as a private school leader. So I just want you to, you know, hopefully you're curious and would love for you to check out a little bit more about that and love for you to join this community of private school leaders. • • And you can check that out@the privatescoolleader.com • • • • membership. • •
Today we're talking about parents that live rent free in your head
So we're talking about parents that live rent free in your head. And today we're going to give them an eviction notice. But the way that we're going to do that is to first of all talk about what is actually happening when we're in this time loop. You know, it's like Groundhog Day where • • and we just can't get, um, off. You know, we're on this hamster wheel, we're playing a broken record and it's Groundhog Day and we just can't get that parent out of our head. So what is actually happening? Why does this happen? • • Why does • • • something that we. Why does something that we are doing • • actually make the problem worse? And then give you eight strategies to evict the parent that is living rent free in your head? So we're going to examine it a little bit and then of course I'm going to give you actionable strategies. And so I know that eight strategies is a lot. I know this is a really important topic to you and so of course I will take good care of you in the show notes. That's the privatescchool leader.com • episode125 and it'll all be there for you to revisit when you have the time • Allgh.
What are ruminating thoughts and why do they happen
So what is actually happening? • • • Well, what's actually happening is ruminating thoughts. • We're having ruminating thoughts about a parent and we've all had them, you know, there. It could come from a single conversation or an email or a quick encounter or maybe it's an ongoing problem and it just kind of hijacks your brain. And then you get into this loop and like I said, it's like, • you know, the way I like to describe it is you're on a hamster wheel, there's a broken record playing in the background and it's Groundhog Day and so you just can't seem to get out of there. And then this just continues to consume your thoughts and consume all of your attention. • • And so these are called ruminating thoughts. • • So's let's define that a little further. So I told you, • • you know, this parent that's living rent free in your head, what you're having are ruminating thoughts. But what actually are ruminating thoughts. So these are the repetitive • • and intrusive menal mental patterns • where you fixate on a particular issue. So let me hit you with that definition one more time. Ruminating thoughts are repetitive intrusive mental patterns where you fixate a particular issue. • • • • So that sounds about right. You know, you've got that thing at school and's here's the other part of this. Just to pause for a second. Maybe you're, maybe you don't have a parent living rent free in your head, but you do have the budget or enrollment or some other thing that is living rent free in your head. This episode, these strategies. • • It'snna, uh, I'm not going to say it will fix your ruminating thoughts, but it will equip you to make them better and to have them happen less often and have them be less intrusive. And so it isn't just about a parent issue. It could be about any issue at school that you can't stop thinking about. And so I just wanted to insert that quickly here because, um, • • these strategies can be effective for other issues as well. And so these ruminating thoughts, • • um, as we continue like defining what are they, we can say that they, you affect your mood and your energy • and of course they affect your focus because you're just so distracted • and they're annoying. But they're also really unproductive because • • the thoughts don't lead to action and they don't lead to problem solving. And it's like, okay, Mark, tell me something that I don't know. All right, I get it. But • really they lead to just a sense of helplessness and frustration. • • And so if we're stuck with these ruminating thoughts, • and especially if these thoughts are stressful, • • • we are going to be in this • • loop, in this spiral, whatever you want to call it, and we got to get out of that, um, that spiral or that loop, um, • of these, this mental pattern of ruminating thoughts. • • So • let's talk about for a moment why they happen. • • • • • And then I want to talk for just another minute or two about how this activates the fight or flight response. And that actually makes everything worse. And then we'll get into the strategies to fix it. So why do they happen? Okay, so ruminating thoughts happen when we feel threatened or helpless or uncertain. Um, um, we feel anxious. We feel, you know, so though that, that makes sense, right? So the, the thing that we're thinking about at school, in this case the parent that's living rent free in your head, • • • • you know, we're anxious about it. We feel Uncomfortable because of the issue, because of the complexity of the issue. You know, it's a board members s kid, it's a teacher's kid that is the subject of the issue, um, • whatever the case might be. • • And you know, you can't. It also could come from like a lack of, um, • feeling competent or confident. And you know, • your brain goes into overdrive because you're just not sure what to do. How do I respond to that email? Do I have a meeting or do I do an email? And if I'm going to have a meeting, how should that meeting play out? Um, and then it also could be after the fact that you had the meeting or you had the conversation, or you had the interaction in the bleachers at the volleyball game or in the lobby of the, you know, the auditorium before the concert. And so then you just keep replaying it again and again in your mind. And I shouldn't have said that or I should have said this. And that thing that they said really hurt my feelings. And you know, uh, here we are, we're in that loop. And here's the problem, is that this is your brain's way of trying to solve the issue. Trying to solve it. • But we know from experience, every one of us private school leaders, all of us that are me talking and you listening, we know • • • that all of this, this thinking, this mental pattern that we can't get out of • • • these intrusive thoughts, • • it doesn't solve the issue • • • • and it actually makes things worse. And here's why. • • • • • Not only does • • rumination not solve anything, but it triggers your fight or flight response. And we've talked about fight or flight on this podcast before. • • Um, I'll link the episode in the show notes • of how to avoid Amygdala hijack in High Stress situations. There's a lot of strategies there that will help and I'll probably refer to that episode at least one more time during this episode. • • But when that fight or flight response is activated, • • • we know from Psych 101 • • • that it is intended for immediate action. It's right there in the name • • • either we're gonna confront the danger fight or we're going to avoid the danger and take flight. We're going to run. So we're going to fight or we're going to take flight. And so it's immediate is the action that we're supposed to take. When that fight or flight response is activated, our brain is flooded with cortisol, the blood flows tar extremities so that we can actually run faster. Adrenaline, uh, • • • Spike, heart rate goes up, skin temperature goes up. All the things that happened during fight or flight, • • but it's intended for immediate action. • • • But when we're ruminating on thinking about a parent, • • • • maybe the whatever they're upset about doesn't matter. The reason why our brain doesn't recognize that we're not in physical danger. • • • • Your brain, • • • boom, fight or flight does all the things, • • all the physical, • • the physiological responses. • • • • • • But then it's kind of like the brain looks around for the grizzly bear that's chasing you and doesn't see the bear. And so it keeps pumping more cortisol into your brain • • so that you can run faster, you can be more focused on the danger and that you can get away • • • • • or you can get hyped up to fight the grizzly bear. But this is a psychological threat and not a physical threat. And our body is acting like this is literally a life or death situation. Okay? So I want to say that again and just think about a parent or a school issue that you can't get out of your head • and see if it fits this description. You're dealing with a psychological threat, not a physical threat, • but your body reacts as though you're in a life or death situation. • • • And not only that, it gets worse. You're multiplying that over days and weeks. • • • • • And our body was never designed to stay in fight or flight for more than just a few minutes more. • • Never designed to stay in fight or flight longer than it takes to • • • • • fight the danger or to run away from the danger. And yet here we are, brain marinating in cortisol • • hour after hour, day after day. Your brain isn't helping you solve the problem. • It's keeping you in that fight or flight mode. It's incre. Increasing, uh, like I said, your stress hormone of cortisol. And then it just helps us to feel more anxious, more reactive, more irritable, more tired, more stressed out, more overwhelmed. • • • • • And so it's like, oh, uh, geez, • • • this is a lot of bad news you're giving me today, Mark. Okay, so I don't know about you, but when someone comes up to me and says, hey, I've got good news and bad news, which do you want first? I always say that I want the bad news first • • • • because while I'm listening to the bad news, I know that something good is coming or something better is coming. Okay, so I just gave you all the bad news and then I'm going to give you the strategies to do something about it. And that's the good news, is that it doesn't have to stay this way. • • And so, • • • • just to pause for a moment, what we've done is we've talked about what's actually happening when you are perseverating or having intrusive thoughts or stuck in this mental • loop, this pattern of, • um, constantly thinking, this parent that's living rent free in your head. We talked about what's happening. They're called ruminating thoughts. • • We talked about why they're happening, • • and then we also talked about how the fight or flight response kicking in • actually makes things worse. • • • So now that you know the bad news, • • • let's focus on some strategies that we can use to overcome • • these ruminating thoughts. • • •
I'm about to give you eight strategies to help you multitask
All right? And then just real quick, • • two disclaimers. Number one first disclaimer is, I'm about to give you eight strategies. That's a lot. And I know that most of you are multitasking while you listen to this podcast, and I actually encourage you to do that because you're so busy that you need to listen while you're driving to or from school or running errands or working out or walking the dog. Awesome. • • But, • • • • • • • uh, eight is a lot to remember. And so the first thing I want you to know and remember is that in the show notes@, uh, • thepr privatechoolader.com Episode 125, these eight strategies will be there for you when you have time. To return to this. • The second disclaimer is that eight is a lot. • • • And there's no way that you're going to implement all eight of these strategies. • So when you're thinking about these, when you're listening to these, just pick one, • maybe two at the most, • • and see if they work to help get you out of that loop. • •
Identify that you are engaging in ruminating thoughts and implement strategies
Okay? Strategy number one • • • is to recognize that you are engaging in rumination, • • Recognize you are engaging in rumination. • • • And • • the number one way to get out of this • • • is to identify that you're ruminating and literally to say to yourself, okay, I'm ruminating right now. • • • • • And that sounds silly. It sounds • maybe too simple. And I'm not saying that any of these are simple. • • What you're dealing with is very, very hard, very difficult, very. Can be life changing. • • • • • • • I don't want to imply that any of these are simple, • • but the number one thing that's most important • • • is to • recognize • • • that what you're doing is having ruminating thoughts. Okay? • • Because many people struggle to tell the difference • • • between thinking about something with purpose. • • • Because we talk ourselves into, well, I'm just thinking about it because I'm kind of thinking about well, how am I going to solve the problem? • • Okay, um, that's probably not what's happening. • • • • • • • • Most of us have a hard time telling the difference between simply thinking about something and ruminating on it. • • • • • Thinking about something with purpose and strategy. That's good. • Ruminating on it. Unhelpful, crippling, • • • frustrating, • • • bad for you. All the things, okay? So it's important to identify I'm ruminating. • • • • • And one thing that's helped me • • is it's important to become a curious observer. I want you to hear that phrase, curious observer of the situation. • We are in the situation, • • • but what we need to do is try to get out in our minds and be an observer, a curious observer of the situation. • • And the mental picture that's helped me is • • • I'm in the, uh, raft • • on the whitewater rafting river, • and I've got on my life jacket and my helmet, and I've got my paddle in hand • • • • and I'm bouncing down the river on the whitewater rafting trip. Okay? • • But • • • then I imagine myself • • • standing on the shore. I'm still wearing my life jacket, I'm wearing my helmet, I'm holding my pedal, but I'm watching that raft go down the whiteater river. • • • I'm a curious observer of the situation. And if you can become that, that is a huge step in the right direction to recognize that you're ruminating. • • • And then that is going to allow you to implement these strategies. So strategy number one is recognized that you are engaging in ruminating thoughts. Okay? Step, um, strategy number two, gain perspective so that you don't catastrophize. Okay? So now that you're the curious observer standing on the shore, • • • watching the whitewater raft go down the river, • • • • you're going to ask yourself, • • • • • is this really a life or death situation? • • • • • • • And in most cases, the answer is no. • • • • • And we have to try to remind ourselves, as hard as it is, that this is a temporary challenge. • • • • It's not life or death. It's not an existential crisis. • • • • • • It feels like it • • • because our brains are flooded with cortisol and we're. Everything inside of us is screaming that we need to fight or flee. • • • • • • • • • • • • • But it's because of the cortisol. • • • Your brain, I said your brain is marinating in cortisol. • • • And so that is what's making you feel like • • • this is • • worthy • • • • of a catastrophe. • • • And so in the show notes, um, • • I'm going to link, uh, you to the episode on amygdala hijack, and I'll not only the episode, but I'also link you to the show notes. Because in the show notes for that episode, I think it's 106, there are, there's a link to a DEC caastrophizing worksheet. • And if you print out a few of these on the copy machine and have a few at home and a few at work, • and you're engaging in ruminating thoughts and you pull out this • • • • DEC catastrophizing worksheet and you answer the four or five questions, • • • • • almost everybody that does it feels better after they do it. Okay. • • • These are designed by • • • highly skilled and highly experienced • psychologists, um, • • • • and therapists. • • Um, DEC Caastrophizing worksheets work a lot of the time. • So • • • strategy one, we're going toa name it. We're going toa, you know, engage. We're going to name that we're engaged in ruminating thoughts. And then number two is that we're going toa gain perspective and stop catastrophizing. We're going to use that/rop, dec caastrophizing worksheet. • And that brings us to strategy number three. We're going to try and avoid triggers that are going to trigger the thoughts about this parent in the first place. And I think this is especially true outside of school. Maybe when you're driving home or at bedtime when you're trying to fall asleep. Or for me, it's like when I'm in the shower, when I'm cutting grass and there's no, like, distractions and I'm sort of alone with my thoughts. Whenever there's like, quote unquote quiet time, that's when the ruminating thoughts really start to, uh, get geared up. • • • And so the way that I'm going to send you in the right direction on how to avoid triggers • • • is I'm going to link episode 75 in the show notes. And the title of that episode is Stop inviting parents into your home after 7pm • • • • • • • • Stop inviting parents into your home after 7pm and so that episode I really got into, how can you kind of keep that parent and the thoughts about that parent at school? • • • And so I won't get into all of that here, but I will link it and you can go back and listen to that again. • • And so we're going to try and avoid the triggers, • • especially outside of school and especially during the more quiet times outside of school. • •
We are typically dysregulated emotionally. But at some point in time, we all need to
All right, strategy number four then is we're going to regulate the autonomic nervous system. • • • • • • • • And I know that's easier said than done, but when we're having ruminating Thoughts. We are typically • dysregulated emotionally. • • • • And I want you to think back. You know, I know most of the listeners of this podcast that are school leaders at some point in the past were teachers. You know, not everyone, but, you know, most of you were. • • And when you were a teacher in the classroom, • • • • 1m of the things you did all the time, all day long, was to take kids that were emotionally dysregulated and help them become regulated. • • • • Regardless of the age of the kid that you taught, and depending on where you taught and what year it was, there were maybe more or less of those kids that needed it. But • • • • • • • • • at some point in time, we all need to go from being emotionally dysregulated to being regulated. • • • And so • • all of the tricks, all of the tools, all of the things that you can do, • • um, I put together quite a list. • • They're in the show notes of episode 106. They'll be in the show notes for this episode. The privatehoolear.com Episode 1, 2, 5. • • • • Episode 106 is how to avoid amygdala hijack. • • I'm talking box breathing the physiological sigh. • • • • The, um, • strategy of Name it to tame it. • • • Um, actually drinking a lot of water right when you wake up in the morning because you're most dehydrated and staying hydrated during the day. A lot of us are in a constant state of dehydration, and that makes • it much more likely that our autonomic nervous system will become dysregulated. So there's a lot of things that we can do • • • to regulate the autonomic nervous system, • and those will all be linked for you in the show notes.
Set a timer for five minutes and then the beeper goes off
Okay, that brings us to strategy number five, and that is set a timer. Okay, now this one's going to sound a little weird, but if you set a timer and you just say, okay, I'm going to ruminate for five minutes • • • • and then the beeper goes off. Okay, • • • • • • • now that sounds strange, • • but it works. It works for a lot of people. Okay, • • you're going to give yourself permission to worry about this, to ruminate, to worry, to think, to be, to feel anxious. But you're going to do it for five minutes and then you're going to say, okay, I did my ruminating. I'm go goingna move on with the rest of my evening. • • • • • • • • • And • • • you might say, that doesn't sound like it's going toa work. • • Try it. • • • • Because • • • when you give yourself permission • • to have those ruminating thoughts, but you put a time limit on it, • • • • • • • • sometimes that tells the brain, okay, I did the thing and now I can go on and do something else. • • • • And I want to make a quick analogy there. The statistics about the divorce rate after people win the lottery, a couple, one of the people in the relationship win the lottery. • • • • • • People that are married, the divorce rate is like 75% • • after a big lottery win. • • • And also the number of people that blow all the money • and have no money within less than three years is very high. Okay? And when people win the lottery and they actually go talk to a financial advisor, what many of them advise them to do is to take 10% of the payout and to just blow it. Blow 10% on something ridiculous. • Something that just, you know, • • • • • • • that souped up sports car or that trip that's, uh, uh, you know, luxurious and • crazy • • over the top, blow 10% of it, • • • and then get serious about the other 90% • • • people who do that. • • • Divorce rates low and • • • chances that they hang on to that money high because they got it out of their system and it was a small percentage • • • • and they just did the thing. But then they got that out of their system and they, then they went on and were more rational. And in some ways, I think that setting a timer for five minutes and saying, I'm going to ruminate, • have ruminating thoughts about this parent or this issue at school, you allow yourself, but you time yourself. • • • • • • • • • What, what's the, what's the harm in trying it? Even if it sounds ridiculous, what's the harm in trying it? Number five is set a time, or number six, write it down and put it away. • • All right, • so • • • this is another one that might sound kind of strange, but let's say that you're getting ready to leave school. • • You take a piece of paper, • • • you write that parent's name on the piece of paper, and then you • • put it in a drawer. • • • • • • You're giving your brain permission • • • that I don't need to think all evening • about this particular parent. • • I'm, um, just pressing pause. • • I'm putting it in a reliable place. See, the brain • • doesn't want you to forget about this parent because • • it's important and you need to resolve this issue and you need to blah, blah, blah. Okay, so when we put things in a reliable place, • • • • it closes a loop in the brain. And the brain's like, okay, she's got this, or, okay, he's got this. • • • • • • And so • • • • write it down and put it away when you're going to leave for the day. And this parent is taking up a lot of headspace. • • • Write their name down on a piece of paper. Put it in the drawer, • • • give your brain permission to just set that down quot unquote • • and then you can deal with it and take action on it the next morning. • • • • • • • It works • for many people. It works. I'm not saying that any of these work for everybody, but each of them work for some people or many people. And it's really just a matter of you • • • trying a couple. And, uh, that one didn't work at all. Okay. That's why there's eight.
Use a positive distraction by changing the activity you're doing
All right. • • • And then strategy seven is to use a positive distraction by changing the activity. Now I want to give a disclaimer. You're probably still thinking about that bright pink elephant on the unicycle, right? • • And so I don't want to say, oh, well, just think about something else, because that's not how this works. And actually telling someone, well, just stop thinking about it. We know how we feel. If someone were to tell us that. So we're not going to tell people that. I'm not going to tell you that. But if you're doing something, or probably most likely doing nothing, • or doing something where there's a lot of quiet and • um, white or white noise and you're thinking too much about this parent or this school issue, • • • • it is especially true • • • about changing the activity if the activity requires physical • • • movement • • or cognitive skills. • • • So let's say you go for a brisk walk in your neighborhood, just a, uh, five or ten minute brisk paced walk, • • and you could put in your headphones and listen to a true crime podcast or this podcast or anyone that is going to make you use your brain a little bit. Okay? And there are many people who, the thing that really works for them is to just start doing multiplication tables. • • Because the locus of control while you're having ruminating thoughts is in the emotional part of your brain. It's in the, uh, amygdala. And what you want to do is change the locus of control to the prefrontal cortex where logic and reason take place. • • • And one of the ways that you can do that is to start doing multiplication tables in your head or anything that just requires a cogitive, • • um, cognitive abilities. • • So • • • use a positive distraction and change the activity. • • That's not me saying don't think about it. That's me saying that if you move your body • • or you start doing multiplication tables or something similar, a suduo or whatever, • • • that it could make a difference. • • And then that brings us to number eight, which is strategy. Number eight is focused on what you can control. You can't control everything, especially how parents react how parents act, • • • but you can control how you respond. • • • And if you can try • • your hardest to shift your attention • • • from what you can do next, • • • • • if you can shift your attention to what you can do next, or to, to resolve this or to address the issue instead of just worrying, worrying, worrying, worrying, worrying about the outcome. • • • • • It's about shifting to take action • • • instead of worrying about things that you can't control. And I'll admit, this is probably the hardest one on the list. This is why we're in this spot, uh, in the first place, is because we're focused on the stuff that's out of our control and that's stressing us out. • But again, if you can press pause, become a curious observer of the situation, • • • • • • then you can • focus a little more on what can I control? Put your energy into that, and then you might have a little bit less energy that you're putting into • • • • the worrying and the thinking and the ruminating thoughts. • •
We talked about what is actually happening when we have ruminating thoughts
All right, so what are the big takeaways from today's episode? We talked about what is actually happening, which is ruminating thoughts. • We talked about, you know, why does this happen? • • Um, and we also talked about, what are ruminating thoughts? Those repetitive, intrusive • • mental patterns where we fixate on a particular issue and it affects our mood and energy and, • um, our anxiety levels. • • And, you know, why does it happen and what makes it worse? Well, it happens because it's a brain's way of trying to solve an issue. And the thing that makes it worse is, is that it triggers our fight or flight response, • • but that we have to remember that this is a psychological threat and not a physical threat. Our body is acting and reacting like it's a physical threat. • • And then I gave you eight strategies for making this better. • To give that eviction notice to the parent that's living rent free in your head. Number one, recognize you're engaging in ruminating thoughts. Number two, gain perspective so you don't catastrophize. • • Three, avoid triggers. Four, regulate your autonomic nervous system. Five, set a timer. Six, write it down, put it away. Seven, use a positive distraction, • • especially physical activity or cognitive skills needed. And number eight, focus on what you can control. • And then I like to end every episode with a call to action. And yours is to just pick one strategy, just one, and try it, and then see if it makes a difference. • • • •
7 Steps to Having Successful Meetings with Parents with Upset Parents
And I want to give you another gift for listening to the podcast and just say thank you for spending your time here. And this one's called 7 Steps to Having Successful Meetings with Parents with Upset Parents. And it's an 11 page PDF that gives you seven steps. • • • You know, I think that every good coach has a game plan. Every good teacher has a lesson plan. Too many private school leaders don't have a plan when they sit down to meet with an upset parent. Well, now you have a plan. • And you can grab the free guide at the privateschool leader.com meeting. That's seven steps to have a successful meeting with an upset parent. The privatescgoolal.com meeting. A, uh, quick reminder that I think Parent Academy could be a game changer for you and your teachers. • • It's four modules for you, and then it's two 45 minute PDs for your teachers. • • • And I told you that the reviews are coming in from North Carolina, Ohio, Texas, California, and they're pretty good. And I think that they could be pretty good at your school too. So check that out. The privatechooladeer.com • • parentacademy and if you could do me one favor, and that is to just share the link to this episode with another leader at your school or a rising leader at your school, because they're dealing with parents too. And it would just be a way to get the word out and to get more people hearing this content so that it can help them • • • thrive and get out of survival mode when it comes to being a private school leader. So I just really appreciate you. Um, I want to say how much I'm impressed by the amazing work that you do at your school. And thank you so much for taking some of your precious time to join me here today. And I'll see you next time right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And until then, always remember to serve first, lead second, and make a difference.
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