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Episode 126: The 4 Keys To Surviving "Tough Conversation Season"
Where I live, we get to experience all four seasons. Right now the first signs of spring are popping up all around me.
We have some very distinct seasons at our private schools:
We also have another season at our schools in late March and early April. It’s my least favorite season of the year. I refer to it as "Tough Conversation Season.”
This is usually the time of year when we have to have some difficult conversations. We may need to meet with a teacher to tell them that we will not be offering them a position in the fall. We may need to meet with a parent to tell them that their child needs to repeat Kindergarten.
Earlier in my career, I did not handle Tough Conversation Season very well. I would often let my fear, anxiety and insecurities keep me from making the best decision for the school or the best decision for the child. I want to help you learn from my mistakes.
On today’s episode of The Private School Leader Podcast, I am going to tell you The 4 Keys To Surviving "Tough Conversation Season"
I hope that you will listen to the podcast for your weekly dose of motivation, inspiration and PD. Thanks so much for listening and thanks for making a difference!
Mark Minkus
Are any of these statements true about you?
I have felt that way many times during my career. That’s why I created the PSL Pro Membership
PSL Pro is a membership community that helps Private School Leaders go from feeling stressed out, discouraged and lonely to feeling energized, fulfilled and supported.
You will have access to a thriving community of school leaders who actually "get it" and "get you"! We will go live every month for a Masterclass, a Success Path Coaching Session, two "We Get It" Roundtable Sessions and a live Q&A about anything and everything related to Private School Leadership.
The PSL Pro Success Path is a Step by Step Plan to get you from where you are to where you want to be as a leader. Different Levels: The Overwhelmed Drifter, The Intentional Architect, all the way to The Fulfilled Mentor. After you choose your level, you will be guided, step-by-step, through the content in THRIVE Academy. This content, along with my guidance and the support of other leaders, will take you from where you are all the way to being The Fulfilled Mentor!
Learn more about how you can join the PSL Pro community by going to theprivateschoolleader.com/membership
Is it just me or are the parents at our schools getting more demanding and more intense, more often? Dealing with parents is part of the job as we lead our private schools, but it can quickly lead to stress, anxiety and feeling overwhelmed.
That’s why I created Parent Academy! Now you have a step by step framework that will help you go from feeling stressed and anxious to feeling confident and calm. Over the last 33 years, I have built successful relationships with thousands of parents and I have packaged that knowledge into an online course. Not only that, but after I teach you, I am going to teach your teachers these strategies as well! Parent Academy contains two, 45-minute webinars that are Teacher PD’s with a printable notebook, guided notes and discussion questions. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parentacademy to learn more!
What is your biggest problem right now? I want to hear more about your biggest problem and I want to help you solve it.
Whether your problem is feeling guilty that your family gets what’s left of you at the end of the day, relentless parents, difficult teachers, a lack of boundaries between work and school, feeling overwhelmed, Imposter Syndrome, enrollment or teacher morale, I can help.
I would love to hear more about your biggest problem and I would love to be your coach. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/coaching to learn more about working with me 1-on-1.
Being a private school leader is a VERY difficult job. You have to make hundreds of decisions every day, and you have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, motivate the teachers, deal with student discipline, beat last year’s test scores and come in under budget.
That can lead to you feeling tired, discouraged and stressed out. I’ve been there. That’s why I created THRIVE Academy just for you. THRIVE Academy is a digital course that will help you get out of survival mode and get back to feeling energized at school. To learn more, go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/thrive
I am excited to share with you a new resource and I want to give this to you as a FREE GIFT to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. It is called The 7 Secrets To Improving Teacher Morale. As private school leaders, we are always looking for ways to improve teacher morale at our schools, but it is hard to know where to start. Well, now you have a step by step plan and you can grab it at theprivateschoolleader.com/morale
I want to give you a FREE gift called 7 Strategies To Effectively Deal With Difficult Teachers. Sometimes we need some courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. What you need is a plan! This guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and improve their attitude. Go to theprivateschoolleader.com/difficult to grab this free guide!
I’ve created a free resource for you called “The 6 Things That Every Private School Teacher Wants From Their Leader”. This guide is a 6 page pdf that will be a game changer for you. I guarantee you that if you do these 6 things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. You can pick up your free guide by going to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/guide
I want to give you a gift to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. I have created a FREE guide for you called “5 Strategies To Help You Work With Difficult Parents”. We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. This guide will give you the tools that you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parents to grab the guide. Thank you again for listening every week!
Please check out all of the free resources on my website that can help you serve and lead your school community. There are "Plug & Play PD's" (45 minute webinars with guided notes) as well as Top 10 Lists of Leadership Books, Productivity Books and TED Talks over at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/resources. You can grab the show notes for today's episode at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/episode126
Please write a review of this podcast and help the algorithm push this content out to more leaders. I would love to get your feedback about the podcast, ideas for future episodes and hear about how you are implementing these strategies in your life and at your school. You can email me at [email protected] Thanks!!
I’ve created a FREE RESOURCE for you called “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. This is a 10 page pdf that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. Litigation is expensive, time consuming and extremely stressful. This common sense guide will help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. You can grab “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/lawsuit. Thanks!
I want to say thank you for listening to the podcast by giving you a FREE GIFT. It is called The 7 Steps To Having Successful Meetings With Upset Parents. This guide is an 11 page pdf that gives you a step by step plan to have better meetings with the parents at your school. Every good coach has a game plan. Every good teacher has a lesson plan. Too many private school leaders don’t have a plan when they sit down to meet with an upset parent. Well, now you have a PLAN! You can grab this FREE GUIDE at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/meeting
I am excited to share a brand new resource with you. It is a 9 page pdf called: “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” What is “Verbal Judo”? "Verbal Judo" is a communication strategy that focuses on using words effectively to de-escalate conflict, resolve disputes, and achieve positive outcomes in various interpersonal interactions, particularly in high-pressure situations.
George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art Of Persuasion. So, I have taken several important strategies from the book and applied them to your life as a private school leader. Grab your free copy of “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/judo
TRANSCRIPT:
Welcome to the Private School Leader podcast, where private school leaders learn how to thrive and not just survive as they serve and lead their schools. • • I strongly believe that it is possible to have a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And my passion is to help you figure out exactly how to do just that right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And I'm your host, Mark Minkus. • • • So if you're listening to this in real time, • • • depending on the part of the country that you live in, • • • • it is transitioning from winter into spring. • • So mid March. • • • • • And you know, where I live, we have all four seasons. And I actually really like that. I like having all four seasons. I'm not a big fan of winter, but, um, you know, when winter is kind of winding down, the awesome thing is, is that you start to see the signs of spring. You know, you start to see the daffodils pop up and you know, it starts to get a little warmer and some of the trees start to bud. And so there's all different, um, there's the four seasons and I really like the fact that I have all four of them where I live. But I was thinking about how we also have different seasons in our private schools. And so for example, we have back to school season, you know, and I always tell people like the, the two weeks before the first day of school and the first two weeks of school is probably the busiest month of the year for private school leaders. • • So we have back to school season. We also have, you know, countdown, countdown to winter break season where you're just trying to keep your eye on the ball and not keep your eye on the calendar. Um, and then we have the hundred days of May, • um, where it's just that, • • you know, there's a concert every night, there's a ceremony, there's graduation, there's • • • um, sports and sports banquets. There's all kinds of things going on in our 100 days of May. • • • But my least favorite season • • in a school year is actually the one that we're in right now • • • because I've found that • • • • mid March to early April • • is often what I call tough conversation season. • • And so, for example, • • • • • • • most schools have, um, one year contracts for their teachers • or an offer letter that, you know, has to be offered every year around this time. • • And • • you know, these • • tough conversation season, this is the around the time for many schools where you're • • sitting down with that person and saying, hey, um, you know, we're not going to be having you return. We're not going to be offering you A contract. We're not going to be offering you a position here, um, this fall. • • Tough conversations. • • • • Um, it also might be that you decide you are going to keep that teacher, but you're going to put them on a performance improvement plan. So, you know, another tough conversation. And that's just the teachers. You know, this is also tough conversation season • for when you have to meet with a parent because it could be, hey, um, • • • you know've you. We've had some meetings over the course of the year, as you know, and blah, blah, and we've just decided that we really can't meet your child's needs here at this school. And so, you know, we want to help you find another school or • • • • you know, your child needs to repeat first grade. You know, those tough, tough conversations that are going to get a reaction. • • And so I'll admit that, you know, for me, tough conversation season in the past, especially earlier in my career, I didn't handle it well. You know, I often let my fear and anxiety and insecurities, • • • um, keep me from having those tough conversations. And then I would often hang on to a teacher for a year or two too long • or • • hang on to a child that I couldn't meet their needs for a year or two too long. And I regret that, • • um, not having tough conversations at this time of year, that's probably some of the bigger regrets of my career. • • • And so I wonder about you, you know, if that is causing you to think about, • uh, certain things or have certain emotions when I'm mentioning tough conversation season. Well, here's the thing. On this podcast, we don't just • • sit in our thoughts and • • get stuck. We take action. And so on today's episode of the Private School Leader podcast, I'm going to tell you the four keys to surviving tough conversation season. • • •
So I want to tell you what teachers are saying about Parent Academy
So I want to tell you • what teachers • are saying about Parent Academy. • So teachers in North Carolina, Texas, Ohio, California, • • they are, you know, working at schools where leaders have purchased parent Academy. And as you've probably heard, there are two 45 minute PDs, plug and play PDs, which are video webinars. And then there's a 27 page workbook • that you've got your part one and your part two. • • And • • so some schools now have done these on PD days or at faculty meetings. And so just here are some comments, some quotes from some teachers. North Carolina, Texas, Ohio, California, Qu. This is a paradigm shift for our schoolote. Customers versus clients • • changed how I see my job. • • • • • Uh, • I never thought a PD could be relevant to all three divisions in Our school, we all have the same issues with parents. Whether we teach the three year old or the 12th grader, private schools are different. This PD is relevant to us from beginning to end. • • • • And then just two more. Quote, I learned that the reason why parents may come off as defensive or have strong opinions about their child's experience in class • • because they have hopes and fears for their child. Not having any kids myself, this perspective opened my mind and heart and helped me send some very important messages • • during the afternoon after the pd. • • And then finally, quote, I have been in education for 30 years and this is the best PD I ever had. • • So with Parent Academy, you and your teachers will go from feeling anxious and stressed about working with parents to feeling • • confident, calm and relaxed. And • • after I teach you the step by step framework, I'll then teach your teachers during these PDs and you can hear the results that these PDs are getting at schools around the country. So I'd love for you to check out Parent Academy. And you can do that by going to the privatescgaler.com • • • parentacademy • • and then I want to give you a free gift and to just my way of saying thank you for listening to the podcast • • today.
I give you a gift called 7 Strategies to Effectively Deal with Difficult Teachers
We're talking about, • • um, teachers, parents, • • you know, and we have to deal with difficult teachers. • • • And I want to give you a gift called 7 Strategies to Effectively Deal with Difficult Teachers. And sometimes we need courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. And I think what you need is a plan. And so this guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance, improve their attitude. • • And so if that sounds like something that you could use, • • go to the privatescooler.com difficult to grab the guide called 7 Strategies to Effectively Deal with Difficult Teachers. And that's the privatescchal leader.com • • difficult. • And then I just wanted to remind you quickly that I've launched the PSLO membership. And PSLO is a membership community that helps private school leaders go from feeling stressed out, discouraged and lonely to feeling energized, fulfilled and supported. • • And you'll have access to a thriving community of school leaders who actually get it and get you. And we go live, • uh, every week. • Um, we have a masterclass successph coaching session twice a month. We have a We get it roundtable. • There's a live Q and A. And so just this week had our, um, we had our live We Get It Roundtable. And we had school leaders from Tennessee and Texas and California and Hawaii and Pennsylvania. And here are Just a couple things that were overheard. I know I was giving you some quotes earlier. Well, here's a few more. Some things that were overheard at this week's we get at Roundtable. • • • Qu I've been where you are. • • • • • I feel like quitting my job because it is just too hard. • • • • • • • Quot my daughter cried when she saw me working on the board report at 2am • • • and quot I see you and it gets better. • • • • • So if you want to surround yourself by with. If you want to surround yourself with leaders who get it, who understand and want to support you, and then also you want to grow as a leader, you can learn more about joining the PSL Pro community by going to the privateschoolleader.com • • • membership. That's the privatescchoolleader.com • • membership. • •
When you don't have the confidence, reach for the courage during tough conversations
So let's talk about the four keys to surviving tough conversation season. • • Key number one. When you don't have the confidence, reach for the courage. • • • • When you don't have the confidence, reach for the courage. • • • • • • So if you're preparing for a conversation with a teacher • • or a parent, • • • um, you know, a teacher not renewing their contract, a parent, you know, counseling the child out of the school, you're probably going to feel a mix of emotions, maybe • • fear of how they're going to react or guilt that you didn't do enough or anxiety or all of the above. Like, these are really tough conversations to have. • • • • • And it's really natural • • • to feel like you don't have the right words to say • • • and to lack in confidence • • • about saying the right things. • • • And you know, you're lacking confidence because you're worried about how they're going to react. • • • • And we're often expected as leaders to be confident in our decision making, but we know what's going on on the inside. • • • A lot of times we're lacking • • confidence. • • • • • • • So what do we do when we need to have that conversation? • • • • But when you're not feeling • confident? • • • • • Well, uh, I know what happens to me. You know, doubt starts to creep in and am I really making the right call? • • • • • • • • • • Um, maybe we could just give this person another year • • • and, you know, we kind of can talk ourselves into or talk ourselves out of anything. • • • And when we're lacking confidence, • • • it's really easy to procrastinate and just kick the can down the road • • and then just hope for the best. And I've done that in my career. • • • • • But • • the truth is, is that • • confidence isn't always something that we can rely on in the moment. • • • • • • • A lot of the time, we don't have enough confidence • • to have that Tough conversation. • • • • • • And so in those moments • • • when we don't have the confidence, we're going to reach for the courage. • • • • • And courage • • • • is the willingness to act in spite of fear, discomfort, or uncertainty. • • • • • • I want to give you the definition to courage one more time. Courage • • is the willingness to act in spite of fear, discomfort, or uncertainty. • • • Tough conversation season in our schools, • • • • there's a lot of fear, discomfort, and uncertainty. • • • • • And so courage • is temporary. • • • • • And you can reach for the courage • • • because you're not going to have • • that courage • • • all the time. • • • • • • • Sometimes you're not going to have enough confidence to do the thing, to have the conversation. • • • • But if you have a mindset, if you use this key, this strategy, that when you don't have the confidence, you reach for the courage. • • • • • • • • • • Courage means • • • showing up anyways. • • • You know, courage means • • • saying to yourself, • • • I'm just going to do this because it's necessary. • • • • I'm going to do this because it's the right thing to do. I'm going to do this even though it's hard. • • • • • • • My confidence doesn't get me saying those things or believing those things, but my courage does. • • • • • • • And in that moment, • • you know, courage is temporary. • • • • • • • Confidence sometimes can be temporary, too. But • • • when we don't have the confidence, we're going to reach for the courage. It's okay not to be. Not to feel confident, for crying out loud. This is very tough. This is emotional. We're high in emotional intelligence, typically as private school leaders. And I sometimes think that our biggest strength is also one of our, um, biggest downfalls. • • • • • And what I mean by that is high emotional intelligence is a strength, but it also makes us feel things very, very deeply. And we're sitting and talking to someone • • about not having them come back in the fall. • • • • • And that's a human being that we're talking to. It's a teacher, it's a parent. • • • And when we're high in emotional intelligence, • • • we can't just • • detach ourselves from the emotion of the situation. • • • • • But I'll speak for myself. Thinking about the emotion of the situation • has caused me to shrink, has caused me to not have that tough conversation. But you know, it's the right thing to do. And you're at this crossroads and you're stuck. I know I need to have it, but I'm scared. I know I need to have this conversation, but I don't feel like I can. • • • • • So that's when • • we're going to have that tough conversation. We're going to schedule it. • • • We're going to recognize it's okay not to feel confident. • • • • • But we're going to step forward • • • • • because we reached for the courage, • • • • • and we're going to have the conversation • • • because it's the right thing to do, • • • even if we're not 100% sure of how it's going to go. • • • • • So • • • • • key number one • is when you don't have the confidence, reach for the courage. • • •
Key number two is to choose your discomfort in tough conversations
All right, • • • for our season • • • • • of tough conversations, • • • • • • key number two is to choose your discomfort. • Choose your discomfort. Okay, So I want you to imagine that in front of you, • • • you're sitting at your desk at school, and in front of you, there's two empty glasses • • • • • • • • • • • • and the glass on the left. • • • What you're going to do is you're going to imagine • • • • • • • • • • that the amount of discomfort • that's going to come from having this tough conversation • • • • is equal to water. • • • • • And the glass on the left, • • you're going to • • • • imagine • • that it has the discomfort equivalent to the water • of having the tough conversation. So let's say that that glass • • is • • • • 2/3 of the way full with water, • • • • because this is going to be uncomfortable. Okay? • • • • • • • • But on the right, you have an empty glass, • • • • • and what you're going to do is you're going to fill that glass • • • with the discomfort • • that you will experience over time • • if you don't have this conversation. • • • So let's say it's a teacher and the teacher is problematic in • • • some way. Let's say it's about how they're dealing with kids, • not getting back to parents, maybe, you know, a combination of several things that just, you know, you've tried to work with them and it's just not working and you need to move on and you need to, uh, get someone else in that classroom. • • • • • • So the discomfort of having that conversation • • • • • • is on the left in that glass, 2 3rd full of water. But on the right, • • • what is the • • discomfort of keeping that teacher for another year? • • • The parent complaints, • the kicking yourself because you hung on to that teacher, the perception from other faculty members who can see that this teacher is problematic and that, you know, what are you going to do about it? Uh, you know, all of that discomfort. • • • • • M. How full is that glass? • • The right. • • • • • • • • • • • My guess is • • that if you really stop and think about it and you're honest with yourself, • • • • that that glass has more water in it • • • and it's probably overflowing. • • • • • • • And so • • • • • you get to choose your discomfort. • • • You can either choose • • the temporary discomfort of the conversation, • • or you can choose the long term discomfort of not having the conversation. • • • • • • • • • And so when we get a choice in life, • • • • • sometimes • it makes us feel a tiny little bit better, even if • there're things that we don't really want to do. • • • • And you know all about that from, you know, most of • many private school leaders came up through. And we're in the classroom. You know what that's like when you're dealing with kids. • • You know what, would you, would you like to, • • • • would you like to sit here and work with this group or would you like to, uh, work with this group? You know, you've got a dysregulated kid. • Um, you know, you're probably thinking of a bunch of different things where it's like, okay, yeah, if you tell the child what to do, • • • • then it's a little bit of a power struggle. But sometimes if you give them a choice, • • then it goes a lot better. • • • • • • • • A lot of times when we need to have these tough conversations, we feel stuck, we feel trapped, we feel like • • we • • don't like our job and this is the worst part of our job and things of that nature. And it's like, okay, I get that. • • • • • But • it is part of the job. • • • • • • • • M and sometimes if we have a little bit of agency, • • • • • a little bit of a choice, • • • • • it gives us a little bit more • • • • • confidence and makes us feel a little bit more empowered • • • and a little bit goes a long way in this situation. So • • • when you're deciding • • • what to do • • • • • because you know you need to have the conversation, • • but it's also within your power to talk yourself into giving it another year, • • • • • think about choosing your discomfort. • The glass on the left • • represents the discomfort of the conversation. • The glass on the right represents the discomfort of not having the conversation. • • • Which glass is more full? • • And then make your decision accordingly. • • •
Key number three to surviving tough conversation season is to remember the child
All right, • • • • key number three • • to surviving tough conversation season. • • To remember the child in the chair. • • • • • And I've talked about this before in our podcast. Many years ago, • • um, a woman by the name of Heidi Hayes Jacobs came to our school to do a two day PD. She's the author of Curriculum 21 and some other books about, ah, curriculum. • • And Dr. Jacobs does the same thing no matter where she speaks. When she walks up to the front and is introduced, • • she gets a chair and she drags it up to the front near the podium. • And she says, okay, I want you to close your eyes. • • • I want you to think about one of your students. • • Picture their face. • • • • • • Listen. Hear their voice. • • • • • • • And I want you to pretend that this • • child that you're picturing is in sitting in this chair. • • • • • • • • And then she says, okay, now everything that we're going to do for the next two days in this PD is going to be in the best interest of the Child in the chair. • • • • • • • • • And it sets a framework for, • • • • • you know, • • when you're talking about curriculum or the master schedule or, • um, you know, • • does this child need more support or this. That the other thing with what we do in our schools, • • • • • • • sometimes it's easy to focus on how this affects me, • • but it's so important to remember the child in the chair • • about how this affects the child. • • • • • • • • So when you're deciding whether or not to meet, • • • when you're in that critical moment • • • • • and maybe you've already decided to meet and you just need, you know, • • • • the confidence • and you're going toa reach for the courage • • and you just need to. How do I survive • • this meeting without it, like, just racking me with guilt or with, you know, emotional impact? • • • • • • Well, one of the things that I've found to be very, very helpful • • • • is that if I'm having a conversation with a teacher • • • • • • • • and that teacher has objectively • • • • • not met the standards for • • my school • • and they need to go. • • • • • One of the things that's really helped me a lot is, is that before I meet with that teacher, I picture one of the children in that teacher's class. • • • • • • And let's say that the name of the child is • • • • • Micah. • • • • • • • And I'll ask myself, what's in the best interest of Micah? • • • • • And I'll do that shortly before I meet with that teacher. And it does help me. • • • • • • And if it's a parent, • • • • I'll m • picture that their child, the child that we're going to be discussing if we can no longer meet their needs or if their behavior is such that they can't continue to be part of our school community, or perhaps they need to repeat a grade. • • • • I'll picture that child • • • • right before I meet with the parent, • • and then I'll say, what's in the best interest of the child? • • And so one of the things that can help us rise to the occasion when we have to have that tough conversation • • • is to remember the child in the chair. • • •
The fourth and final key to surviving tough conversation season is mental resilience
And that brings us to our fourth and final key • • to surviving tough conversation season. • • And that is to put on your suit of armor. • • • • • So as leaders, we often face a lot of criticism, • • • and people have emotional responses • • • after we have a difficult conversation with them. • • • And when they say things, • • • • • when they react, • • • • it's really easy to take those things personally. • • • • • • • • • And when we take things personally, at least for me, and I think this might be true for you, is when we take things personally, then it starts to • • negatively impact our confidence • • and it starts to make us second guess ourselves. And did I really make the right decision? And so on and so forth, okay? • • • • • But this is where the suit of armor comes in. • • • I want you to think about putting on a suit of armor as mental resilience, • • • • okay? • • And the suit of armor is going to give you the mental resilience • • • • to protect yourself • • • from the emotional fallout • of these tough conversations, okay? And this is really important, so I want you to hear that. I'm going to say that again. • Putting on your suit of armor • • • • • • is you having the mental resilience that you need • • • • • to protect yourself from the emotional fallout of these tough conversations. Because • • we have to guard our hearts as private school leaders. • • • • I said before that our biggest strength is also sometimes it's a blessing and a curse. Being high in emotional intelligence and being a servant leader and caring so much and giving so much, • • investing so much of our time and our mental energy and our emotional energy. • • • • • • • That's what makes us good at our jobs. But it also makes us open to emotional pain when we have these kinds of conversations. And then there's a reaction from the teacher or from the parent. • • • • • And here's the thing. I want you to hear this. Your suit of armor is not about shutting down emotionally. We're not going to suddenly become a robot, • • • • • but we're going to guard our hearts, • • • • • and we're not going to let those emotions that are stirred up on the other side of the table from that teacher or that parent. • • We're not going to let those emotions impact • • • • • • our • • • • confidence, our. Our purpose, our mission, our. Our vision, our passion, our ability to lead. Those two things are separate. They're mutually exclusive. The things that a person is going to say • • in a moment of emotion when they've just received news that they really didn't want to hear, • • • those things have to bounce off of that suit of armor • • • • • because we're trying to stay calm and we're trying to stay objective. And there's this storm of emotions that's hitting. • • • • • • Well, I want you to imagine, you know, when you are having this meeting, • • • • • • • you've got your suit of armor on, • • • and the things that are coming across the table • • • • that are emotional, they're the arrows. • And those arrows are going to ding the armor, they're going to dent the armor. You might even feel the impact. It might even leave a bruise. • • • But when you have that armor on, it's not going to allow those emotional arrows to penetrate the skin • • and to have you internalize • • the emotions of that situation. • • • • • • • • So if a parent becomes upset • • • when you're saying that the child is not progressing enough and that they might, you've decided they need to repeat a grade. • • • They're going to probably be defensive and angry. And you might even hear them say things like, well, you're not doing enough for my son or • you don't care about my daughter. Like, though that's a horrible thing to say and it hurts and it stings in it and it is like, well, that's just not true. • • • • • • • But that's where the suit of armor comes in. And it keeps you from internalizing those words because the arrows dent the armor, but then they fall off. So you feel the impact, • • • • but you're not going to internalize the emotion that's going to come at you across the table when you have that tough conversation with that parent or with that teacher. • • • • So what are the big takeaways? • • Well, • • • • • if it's tough conversation season at your school, • • • • • we want to help. I want to help equip you so that you can survive tough conversation season • • and actually rise to the occasion and have that conversation • • • instead of shrinking in that moment • and procrastinating and talking yourself into giving it another year. • • • • • And so how are we going to do that? Well, the four keys to surviving tough conversation season. • • Number one, when you don't have the confidence, reach for the courage. • • Number two, choose your discomfort. Remember the two glasses of water. • • Number three, rem. • Remember the child in the chair. What's in the best interest of that child in the chair? And then number four is put on your suit of armor so that those arrows will bounce off • • when you're having that conversation. • • • • • And I like to end every episode with a call to action. • And that is to just pick one of these strategies and use it the next time that you're having a tough conversation. • I think it will make a big difference. • • • •
Seven strategies to effectively deal with difficult teachers are included in this free guide
And • • • wrapping it up, I want to give you another free gift. • • And actually it's. I'm going to mention the one I mentioned at the top of the episode. • • Um, you know, we're dealing. We're talking a lot about teachers, a little bit about parents. So again, just a reminder, seven strategies to effectively deal with difficult teachers. • • • Um, is a guide for you that will give you courage and confidence to deal with the difficult teachers at your school. • • And you can grab that@the privatescgalar.com difficult. That's a free • PDF guide for you called the Seven Strategies to Effectively Deal with Difficult Teachers. Just go to the privatescooler.com difficult and then one last reminder that Parent Academy could really be a game changer for you and your teachers. • • With four modules for you. • • Two 45 minute PDs for your teachers • • and • • • the reviews are coming in as far as what teachers are getting out of it. And it's starting to change some things in some M schools around the country. And so I'd love for you to learn more about that by going to the privatesgluter.com parentacademy • • • • and • • I want to ask for a favor.
Private School Leader podcast is now in 64 countries
Could you please share the link to this podcast episode • • with a leader in your life, a leader at your school, or someone you met at a conference? Just another leader school leader in your life and also with a rising leader at your school. • • • • • • I think you have a good eye for that talent that's rising. • • • Let's get this content into their hands so that they can be equipped to lead in the future. • • And I'd love to hear from you. If you're getting value from the podcast, I'd love for you to shoot me a quick email and just tell me what what did you learn or what's the biggest pain point that you're dealing with right now? Because that could be an upcoming episode on the podcast. So shoot me an [email protected] • • ah.com that's ar k.o.m I n kusmail.com. the show notes for today's episode are at the privatescool leader.com episode 126. • • And if you would please write a review and rate the podcast wherever you listen to it, that helps the algorithm push this out as suggested • content for leaders all over the world. • Um, the podcast is now in 64 countries. We just added Morocco in the last week. And so this is going out to leaders all over the world. • And you writing a review and rating the podcast actually helps to make that happen. • I'm, um, on Instagram at the Private School Leader • and if you got value from the episode, just be sure to subscribe so you don't miss episode. And I've been your host, Mark Minkus. I just want to say I appreciate you so much and all the hard work that you're doing at your school. • Thank you for taking time out of your busy week to join me here today and I'll see you next time right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And until then, always remember to serve first, lead second, and make a difference.
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By Mark Minkus
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Where I live, we get to experience all four seasons. Right now the first signs of spring are popping up all around me.
We have some very distinct seasons at our private schools:
We also have another season at our schools in late March and early April. It’s my least favorite season of the year. I refer to it as "Tough Conversation Season.”
This is usually the time of year when we have to have some difficult conversations. We may need to meet with a teacher to tell them that we will not be offering them a position in the fall. We may need to meet with a parent to tell them that their child needs to repeat Kindergarten.
Earlier in my career, I did not handle Tough Conversation Season very well. I would often let my fear, anxiety and insecurities keep me from making the best decision for the school or the best decision for the child. I want to help you learn from my mistakes.
On today’s episode of The Private School Leader Podcast, I am going to tell you The 4 Keys To Surviving "Tough Conversation Season"
I hope that you will listen to the podcast for your weekly dose of motivation, inspiration and PD. Thanks so much for listening and thanks for making a difference!
Mark Minkus
Are any of these statements true about you?
I have felt that way many times during my career. That’s why I created the PSL Pro Membership
PSL Pro is a membership community that helps Private School Leaders go from feeling stressed out, discouraged and lonely to feeling energized, fulfilled and supported.
You will have access to a thriving community of school leaders who actually "get it" and "get you"! We will go live every month for a Masterclass, a Success Path Coaching Session, two "We Get It" Roundtable Sessions and a live Q&A about anything and everything related to Private School Leadership.
The PSL Pro Success Path is a Step by Step Plan to get you from where you are to where you want to be as a leader. Different Levels: The Overwhelmed Drifter, The Intentional Architect, all the way to The Fulfilled Mentor. After you choose your level, you will be guided, step-by-step, through the content in THRIVE Academy. This content, along with my guidance and the support of other leaders, will take you from where you are all the way to being The Fulfilled Mentor!
Learn more about how you can join the PSL Pro community by going to theprivateschoolleader.com/membership
Is it just me or are the parents at our schools getting more demanding and more intense, more often? Dealing with parents is part of the job as we lead our private schools, but it can quickly lead to stress, anxiety and feeling overwhelmed.
That’s why I created Parent Academy! Now you have a step by step framework that will help you go from feeling stressed and anxious to feeling confident and calm. Over the last 33 years, I have built successful relationships with thousands of parents and I have packaged that knowledge into an online course. Not only that, but after I teach you, I am going to teach your teachers these strategies as well! Parent Academy contains two, 45-minute webinars that are Teacher PD’s with a printable notebook, guided notes and discussion questions. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parentacademy to learn more!
What is your biggest problem right now? I want to hear more about your biggest problem and I want to help you solve it.
Whether your problem is feeling guilty that your family gets what’s left of you at the end of the day, relentless parents, difficult teachers, a lack of boundaries between work and school, feeling overwhelmed, Imposter Syndrome, enrollment or teacher morale, I can help.
I would love to hear more about your biggest problem and I would love to be your coach. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/coaching to learn more about working with me 1-on-1.
Being a private school leader is a VERY difficult job. You have to make hundreds of decisions every day, and you have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, motivate the teachers, deal with student discipline, beat last year’s test scores and come in under budget.
That can lead to you feeling tired, discouraged and stressed out. I’ve been there. That’s why I created THRIVE Academy just for you. THRIVE Academy is a digital course that will help you get out of survival mode and get back to feeling energized at school. To learn more, go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/thrive
I am excited to share with you a new resource and I want to give this to you as a FREE GIFT to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. It is called The 7 Secrets To Improving Teacher Morale. As private school leaders, we are always looking for ways to improve teacher morale at our schools, but it is hard to know where to start. Well, now you have a step by step plan and you can grab it at theprivateschoolleader.com/morale
I want to give you a FREE gift called 7 Strategies To Effectively Deal With Difficult Teachers. Sometimes we need some courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. What you need is a plan! This guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and improve their attitude. Go to theprivateschoolleader.com/difficult to grab this free guide!
I’ve created a free resource for you called “The 6 Things That Every Private School Teacher Wants From Their Leader”. This guide is a 6 page pdf that will be a game changer for you. I guarantee you that if you do these 6 things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. You can pick up your free guide by going to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/guide
I want to give you a gift to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. I have created a FREE guide for you called “5 Strategies To Help You Work With Difficult Parents”. We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. This guide will give you the tools that you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parents to grab the guide. Thank you again for listening every week!
Please check out all of the free resources on my website that can help you serve and lead your school community. There are "Plug & Play PD's" (45 minute webinars with guided notes) as well as Top 10 Lists of Leadership Books, Productivity Books and TED Talks over at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/resources. You can grab the show notes for today's episode at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/episode126
Please write a review of this podcast and help the algorithm push this content out to more leaders. I would love to get your feedback about the podcast, ideas for future episodes and hear about how you are implementing these strategies in your life and at your school. You can email me at [email protected] Thanks!!
I’ve created a FREE RESOURCE for you called “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. This is a 10 page pdf that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. Litigation is expensive, time consuming and extremely stressful. This common sense guide will help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. You can grab “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/lawsuit. Thanks!
I want to say thank you for listening to the podcast by giving you a FREE GIFT. It is called The 7 Steps To Having Successful Meetings With Upset Parents. This guide is an 11 page pdf that gives you a step by step plan to have better meetings with the parents at your school. Every good coach has a game plan. Every good teacher has a lesson plan. Too many private school leaders don’t have a plan when they sit down to meet with an upset parent. Well, now you have a PLAN! You can grab this FREE GUIDE at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/meeting
I am excited to share a brand new resource with you. It is a 9 page pdf called: “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” What is “Verbal Judo”? "Verbal Judo" is a communication strategy that focuses on using words effectively to de-escalate conflict, resolve disputes, and achieve positive outcomes in various interpersonal interactions, particularly in high-pressure situations.
George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art Of Persuasion. So, I have taken several important strategies from the book and applied them to your life as a private school leader. Grab your free copy of “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/judo
TRANSCRIPT:
Welcome to the Private School Leader podcast, where private school leaders learn how to thrive and not just survive as they serve and lead their schools. • • I strongly believe that it is possible to have a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And my passion is to help you figure out exactly how to do just that right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And I'm your host, Mark Minkus. • • • So if you're listening to this in real time, • • • depending on the part of the country that you live in, • • • • it is transitioning from winter into spring. • • So mid March. • • • • • And you know, where I live, we have all four seasons. And I actually really like that. I like having all four seasons. I'm not a big fan of winter, but, um, you know, when winter is kind of winding down, the awesome thing is, is that you start to see the signs of spring. You know, you start to see the daffodils pop up and you know, it starts to get a little warmer and some of the trees start to bud. And so there's all different, um, there's the four seasons and I really like the fact that I have all four of them where I live. But I was thinking about how we also have different seasons in our private schools. And so for example, we have back to school season, you know, and I always tell people like the, the two weeks before the first day of school and the first two weeks of school is probably the busiest month of the year for private school leaders. • • So we have back to school season. We also have, you know, countdown, countdown to winter break season where you're just trying to keep your eye on the ball and not keep your eye on the calendar. Um, and then we have the hundred days of May, • um, where it's just that, • • you know, there's a concert every night, there's a ceremony, there's graduation, there's • • • um, sports and sports banquets. There's all kinds of things going on in our 100 days of May. • • • But my least favorite season • • in a school year is actually the one that we're in right now • • • because I've found that • • • • mid March to early April • • is often what I call tough conversation season. • • And so, for example, • • • • • • • most schools have, um, one year contracts for their teachers • or an offer letter that, you know, has to be offered every year around this time. • • And • • you know, these • • tough conversation season, this is the around the time for many schools where you're • • sitting down with that person and saying, hey, um, you know, we're not going to be having you return. We're not going to be offering you A contract. We're not going to be offering you a position here, um, this fall. • • Tough conversations. • • • • Um, it also might be that you decide you are going to keep that teacher, but you're going to put them on a performance improvement plan. So, you know, another tough conversation. And that's just the teachers. You know, this is also tough conversation season • for when you have to meet with a parent because it could be, hey, um, • • • you know've you. We've had some meetings over the course of the year, as you know, and blah, blah, and we've just decided that we really can't meet your child's needs here at this school. And so, you know, we want to help you find another school or • • • • you know, your child needs to repeat first grade. You know, those tough, tough conversations that are going to get a reaction. • • And so I'll admit that, you know, for me, tough conversation season in the past, especially earlier in my career, I didn't handle it well. You know, I often let my fear and anxiety and insecurities, • • • um, keep me from having those tough conversations. And then I would often hang on to a teacher for a year or two too long • or • • hang on to a child that I couldn't meet their needs for a year or two too long. And I regret that, • • um, not having tough conversations at this time of year, that's probably some of the bigger regrets of my career. • • • And so I wonder about you, you know, if that is causing you to think about, • uh, certain things or have certain emotions when I'm mentioning tough conversation season. Well, here's the thing. On this podcast, we don't just • • sit in our thoughts and • • get stuck. We take action. And so on today's episode of the Private School Leader podcast, I'm going to tell you the four keys to surviving tough conversation season. • • •
So I want to tell you what teachers are saying about Parent Academy
So I want to tell you • what teachers • are saying about Parent Academy. • So teachers in North Carolina, Texas, Ohio, California, • • they are, you know, working at schools where leaders have purchased parent Academy. And as you've probably heard, there are two 45 minute PDs, plug and play PDs, which are video webinars. And then there's a 27 page workbook • that you've got your part one and your part two. • • And • • so some schools now have done these on PD days or at faculty meetings. And so just here are some comments, some quotes from some teachers. North Carolina, Texas, Ohio, California, Qu. This is a paradigm shift for our schoolote. Customers versus clients • • changed how I see my job. • • • • • Uh, • I never thought a PD could be relevant to all three divisions in Our school, we all have the same issues with parents. Whether we teach the three year old or the 12th grader, private schools are different. This PD is relevant to us from beginning to end. • • • • And then just two more. Quote, I learned that the reason why parents may come off as defensive or have strong opinions about their child's experience in class • • because they have hopes and fears for their child. Not having any kids myself, this perspective opened my mind and heart and helped me send some very important messages • • during the afternoon after the pd. • • And then finally, quote, I have been in education for 30 years and this is the best PD I ever had. • • So with Parent Academy, you and your teachers will go from feeling anxious and stressed about working with parents to feeling • • confident, calm and relaxed. And • • after I teach you the step by step framework, I'll then teach your teachers during these PDs and you can hear the results that these PDs are getting at schools around the country. So I'd love for you to check out Parent Academy. And you can do that by going to the privatescgaler.com • • • parentacademy • • and then I want to give you a free gift and to just my way of saying thank you for listening to the podcast • • today.
I give you a gift called 7 Strategies to Effectively Deal with Difficult Teachers
We're talking about, • • um, teachers, parents, • • you know, and we have to deal with difficult teachers. • • • And I want to give you a gift called 7 Strategies to Effectively Deal with Difficult Teachers. And sometimes we need courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. And I think what you need is a plan. And so this guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance, improve their attitude. • • And so if that sounds like something that you could use, • • go to the privatescooler.com difficult to grab the guide called 7 Strategies to Effectively Deal with Difficult Teachers. And that's the privatescchal leader.com • • difficult. • And then I just wanted to remind you quickly that I've launched the PSLO membership. And PSLO is a membership community that helps private school leaders go from feeling stressed out, discouraged and lonely to feeling energized, fulfilled and supported. • • And you'll have access to a thriving community of school leaders who actually get it and get you. And we go live, • uh, every week. • Um, we have a masterclass successph coaching session twice a month. We have a We get it roundtable. • There's a live Q and A. And so just this week had our, um, we had our live We Get It Roundtable. And we had school leaders from Tennessee and Texas and California and Hawaii and Pennsylvania. And here are Just a couple things that were overheard. I know I was giving you some quotes earlier. Well, here's a few more. Some things that were overheard at this week's we get at Roundtable. • • • Qu I've been where you are. • • • • • I feel like quitting my job because it is just too hard. • • • • • • • Quot my daughter cried when she saw me working on the board report at 2am • • • and quot I see you and it gets better. • • • • • So if you want to surround yourself by with. If you want to surround yourself with leaders who get it, who understand and want to support you, and then also you want to grow as a leader, you can learn more about joining the PSL Pro community by going to the privateschoolleader.com • • • membership. That's the privatescchoolleader.com • • membership. • •
When you don't have the confidence, reach for the courage during tough conversations
So let's talk about the four keys to surviving tough conversation season. • • Key number one. When you don't have the confidence, reach for the courage. • • • • When you don't have the confidence, reach for the courage. • • • • • • So if you're preparing for a conversation with a teacher • • or a parent, • • • um, you know, a teacher not renewing their contract, a parent, you know, counseling the child out of the school, you're probably going to feel a mix of emotions, maybe • • fear of how they're going to react or guilt that you didn't do enough or anxiety or all of the above. Like, these are really tough conversations to have. • • • • • And it's really natural • • • to feel like you don't have the right words to say • • • and to lack in confidence • • • about saying the right things. • • • And you know, you're lacking confidence because you're worried about how they're going to react. • • • • And we're often expected as leaders to be confident in our decision making, but we know what's going on on the inside. • • • A lot of times we're lacking • • confidence. • • • • • • • So what do we do when we need to have that conversation? • • • • But when you're not feeling • confident? • • • • • Well, uh, I know what happens to me. You know, doubt starts to creep in and am I really making the right call? • • • • • • • • • • Um, maybe we could just give this person another year • • • and, you know, we kind of can talk ourselves into or talk ourselves out of anything. • • • And when we're lacking confidence, • • • it's really easy to procrastinate and just kick the can down the road • • and then just hope for the best. And I've done that in my career. • • • • • But • • the truth is, is that • • confidence isn't always something that we can rely on in the moment. • • • • • • • A lot of the time, we don't have enough confidence • • to have that Tough conversation. • • • • • • And so in those moments • • • when we don't have the confidence, we're going to reach for the courage. • • • • • And courage • • • • is the willingness to act in spite of fear, discomfort, or uncertainty. • • • • • • I want to give you the definition to courage one more time. Courage • • is the willingness to act in spite of fear, discomfort, or uncertainty. • • • Tough conversation season in our schools, • • • • there's a lot of fear, discomfort, and uncertainty. • • • • • And so courage • is temporary. • • • • • And you can reach for the courage • • • because you're not going to have • • that courage • • • all the time. • • • • • • • Sometimes you're not going to have enough confidence to do the thing, to have the conversation. • • • • But if you have a mindset, if you use this key, this strategy, that when you don't have the confidence, you reach for the courage. • • • • • • • • • • Courage means • • • showing up anyways. • • • You know, courage means • • • saying to yourself, • • • I'm just going to do this because it's necessary. • • • • I'm going to do this because it's the right thing to do. I'm going to do this even though it's hard. • • • • • • • My confidence doesn't get me saying those things or believing those things, but my courage does. • • • • • • • And in that moment, • • you know, courage is temporary. • • • • • • • Confidence sometimes can be temporary, too. But • • • when we don't have the confidence, we're going to reach for the courage. It's okay not to be. Not to feel confident, for crying out loud. This is very tough. This is emotional. We're high in emotional intelligence, typically as private school leaders. And I sometimes think that our biggest strength is also one of our, um, biggest downfalls. • • • • • And what I mean by that is high emotional intelligence is a strength, but it also makes us feel things very, very deeply. And we're sitting and talking to someone • • about not having them come back in the fall. • • • • • And that's a human being that we're talking to. It's a teacher, it's a parent. • • • And when we're high in emotional intelligence, • • • we can't just • • detach ourselves from the emotion of the situation. • • • • • But I'll speak for myself. Thinking about the emotion of the situation • has caused me to shrink, has caused me to not have that tough conversation. But you know, it's the right thing to do. And you're at this crossroads and you're stuck. I know I need to have it, but I'm scared. I know I need to have this conversation, but I don't feel like I can. • • • • • So that's when • • we're going to have that tough conversation. We're going to schedule it. • • • We're going to recognize it's okay not to feel confident. • • • • • But we're going to step forward • • • • • because we reached for the courage, • • • • • and we're going to have the conversation • • • because it's the right thing to do, • • • even if we're not 100% sure of how it's going to go. • • • • • So • • • • • key number one • is when you don't have the confidence, reach for the courage. • • •
Key number two is to choose your discomfort in tough conversations
All right, • • • for our season • • • • • of tough conversations, • • • • • • key number two is to choose your discomfort. • Choose your discomfort. Okay, So I want you to imagine that in front of you, • • • you're sitting at your desk at school, and in front of you, there's two empty glasses • • • • • • • • • • • • and the glass on the left. • • • What you're going to do is you're going to imagine • • • • • • • • • • that the amount of discomfort • that's going to come from having this tough conversation • • • • is equal to water. • • • • • And the glass on the left, • • you're going to • • • • imagine • • that it has the discomfort equivalent to the water • of having the tough conversation. So let's say that that glass • • is • • • • 2/3 of the way full with water, • • • • because this is going to be uncomfortable. Okay? • • • • • • • • But on the right, you have an empty glass, • • • • • and what you're going to do is you're going to fill that glass • • • with the discomfort • • that you will experience over time • • if you don't have this conversation. • • • So let's say it's a teacher and the teacher is problematic in • • • some way. Let's say it's about how they're dealing with kids, • not getting back to parents, maybe, you know, a combination of several things that just, you know, you've tried to work with them and it's just not working and you need to move on and you need to, uh, get someone else in that classroom. • • • • • • So the discomfort of having that conversation • • • • • • is on the left in that glass, 2 3rd full of water. But on the right, • • • what is the • • discomfort of keeping that teacher for another year? • • • The parent complaints, • the kicking yourself because you hung on to that teacher, the perception from other faculty members who can see that this teacher is problematic and that, you know, what are you going to do about it? Uh, you know, all of that discomfort. • • • • • M. How full is that glass? • • The right. • • • • • • • • • • • My guess is • • that if you really stop and think about it and you're honest with yourself, • • • • that that glass has more water in it • • • and it's probably overflowing. • • • • • • • And so • • • • • you get to choose your discomfort. • • • You can either choose • • the temporary discomfort of the conversation, • • or you can choose the long term discomfort of not having the conversation. • • • • • • • • • And so when we get a choice in life, • • • • • sometimes • it makes us feel a tiny little bit better, even if • there're things that we don't really want to do. • • • • And you know all about that from, you know, most of • many private school leaders came up through. And we're in the classroom. You know what that's like when you're dealing with kids. • • You know what, would you, would you like to, • • • • would you like to sit here and work with this group or would you like to, uh, work with this group? You know, you've got a dysregulated kid. • Um, you know, you're probably thinking of a bunch of different things where it's like, okay, yeah, if you tell the child what to do, • • • • then it's a little bit of a power struggle. But sometimes if you give them a choice, • • then it goes a lot better. • • • • • • • • A lot of times when we need to have these tough conversations, we feel stuck, we feel trapped, we feel like • • we • • don't like our job and this is the worst part of our job and things of that nature. And it's like, okay, I get that. • • • • • But • it is part of the job. • • • • • • • • M and sometimes if we have a little bit of agency, • • • • • a little bit of a choice, • • • • • it gives us a little bit more • • • • • confidence and makes us feel a little bit more empowered • • • and a little bit goes a long way in this situation. So • • • when you're deciding • • • what to do • • • • • because you know you need to have the conversation, • • but it's also within your power to talk yourself into giving it another year, • • • • • think about choosing your discomfort. • The glass on the left • • represents the discomfort of the conversation. • The glass on the right represents the discomfort of not having the conversation. • • • Which glass is more full? • • And then make your decision accordingly. • • •
Key number three to surviving tough conversation season is to remember the child
All right, • • • • key number three • • to surviving tough conversation season. • • To remember the child in the chair. • • • • • And I've talked about this before in our podcast. Many years ago, • • um, a woman by the name of Heidi Hayes Jacobs came to our school to do a two day PD. She's the author of Curriculum 21 and some other books about, ah, curriculum. • • And Dr. Jacobs does the same thing no matter where she speaks. When she walks up to the front and is introduced, • • she gets a chair and she drags it up to the front near the podium. • And she says, okay, I want you to close your eyes. • • • I want you to think about one of your students. • • Picture their face. • • • • • • Listen. Hear their voice. • • • • • • • And I want you to pretend that this • • child that you're picturing is in sitting in this chair. • • • • • • • • And then she says, okay, now everything that we're going to do for the next two days in this PD is going to be in the best interest of the Child in the chair. • • • • • • • • • And it sets a framework for, • • • • • you know, • • when you're talking about curriculum or the master schedule or, • um, you know, • • does this child need more support or this. That the other thing with what we do in our schools, • • • • • • • sometimes it's easy to focus on how this affects me, • • but it's so important to remember the child in the chair • • about how this affects the child. • • • • • • • • So when you're deciding whether or not to meet, • • • when you're in that critical moment • • • • • and maybe you've already decided to meet and you just need, you know, • • • • the confidence • and you're going toa reach for the courage • • and you just need to. How do I survive • • this meeting without it, like, just racking me with guilt or with, you know, emotional impact? • • • • • • Well, one of the things that I've found to be very, very helpful • • • • is that if I'm having a conversation with a teacher • • • • • • • • and that teacher has objectively • • • • • not met the standards for • • my school • • and they need to go. • • • • • One of the things that's really helped me a lot is, is that before I meet with that teacher, I picture one of the children in that teacher's class. • • • • • • And let's say that the name of the child is • • • • • Micah. • • • • • • • And I'll ask myself, what's in the best interest of Micah? • • • • • And I'll do that shortly before I meet with that teacher. And it does help me. • • • • • • And if it's a parent, • • • • I'll m • picture that their child, the child that we're going to be discussing if we can no longer meet their needs or if their behavior is such that they can't continue to be part of our school community, or perhaps they need to repeat a grade. • • • • I'll picture that child • • • • right before I meet with the parent, • • and then I'll say, what's in the best interest of the child? • • And so one of the things that can help us rise to the occasion when we have to have that tough conversation • • • is to remember the child in the chair. • • •
The fourth and final key to surviving tough conversation season is mental resilience
And that brings us to our fourth and final key • • to surviving tough conversation season. • • And that is to put on your suit of armor. • • • • • So as leaders, we often face a lot of criticism, • • • and people have emotional responses • • • after we have a difficult conversation with them. • • • And when they say things, • • • • • when they react, • • • • it's really easy to take those things personally. • • • • • • • • • And when we take things personally, at least for me, and I think this might be true for you, is when we take things personally, then it starts to • • negatively impact our confidence • • and it starts to make us second guess ourselves. And did I really make the right decision? And so on and so forth, okay? • • • • • But this is where the suit of armor comes in. • • • I want you to think about putting on a suit of armor as mental resilience, • • • • okay? • • And the suit of armor is going to give you the mental resilience • • • • to protect yourself • • • from the emotional fallout • of these tough conversations, okay? And this is really important, so I want you to hear that. I'm going to say that again. • Putting on your suit of armor • • • • • • is you having the mental resilience that you need • • • • • to protect yourself from the emotional fallout of these tough conversations. Because • • we have to guard our hearts as private school leaders. • • • • I said before that our biggest strength is also sometimes it's a blessing and a curse. Being high in emotional intelligence and being a servant leader and caring so much and giving so much, • • investing so much of our time and our mental energy and our emotional energy. • • • • • • • That's what makes us good at our jobs. But it also makes us open to emotional pain when we have these kinds of conversations. And then there's a reaction from the teacher or from the parent. • • • • • And here's the thing. I want you to hear this. Your suit of armor is not about shutting down emotionally. We're not going to suddenly become a robot, • • • • • but we're going to guard our hearts, • • • • • and we're not going to let those emotions that are stirred up on the other side of the table from that teacher or that parent. • • We're not going to let those emotions impact • • • • • • our • • • • confidence, our. Our purpose, our mission, our. Our vision, our passion, our ability to lead. Those two things are separate. They're mutually exclusive. The things that a person is going to say • • in a moment of emotion when they've just received news that they really didn't want to hear, • • • those things have to bounce off of that suit of armor • • • • • because we're trying to stay calm and we're trying to stay objective. And there's this storm of emotions that's hitting. • • • • • • Well, I want you to imagine, you know, when you are having this meeting, • • • • • • • you've got your suit of armor on, • • • and the things that are coming across the table • • • • that are emotional, they're the arrows. • And those arrows are going to ding the armor, they're going to dent the armor. You might even feel the impact. It might even leave a bruise. • • • But when you have that armor on, it's not going to allow those emotional arrows to penetrate the skin • • and to have you internalize • • the emotions of that situation. • • • • • • • • So if a parent becomes upset • • • when you're saying that the child is not progressing enough and that they might, you've decided they need to repeat a grade. • • • They're going to probably be defensive and angry. And you might even hear them say things like, well, you're not doing enough for my son or • you don't care about my daughter. Like, though that's a horrible thing to say and it hurts and it stings in it and it is like, well, that's just not true. • • • • • • • But that's where the suit of armor comes in. And it keeps you from internalizing those words because the arrows dent the armor, but then they fall off. So you feel the impact, • • • • but you're not going to internalize the emotion that's going to come at you across the table when you have that tough conversation with that parent or with that teacher. • • • • So what are the big takeaways? • • Well, • • • • • if it's tough conversation season at your school, • • • • • we want to help. I want to help equip you so that you can survive tough conversation season • • and actually rise to the occasion and have that conversation • • • instead of shrinking in that moment • and procrastinating and talking yourself into giving it another year. • • • • • And so how are we going to do that? Well, the four keys to surviving tough conversation season. • • Number one, when you don't have the confidence, reach for the courage. • • Number two, choose your discomfort. Remember the two glasses of water. • • Number three, rem. • Remember the child in the chair. What's in the best interest of that child in the chair? And then number four is put on your suit of armor so that those arrows will bounce off • • when you're having that conversation. • • • • • And I like to end every episode with a call to action. • And that is to just pick one of these strategies and use it the next time that you're having a tough conversation. • I think it will make a big difference. • • • •
Seven strategies to effectively deal with difficult teachers are included in this free guide
And • • • wrapping it up, I want to give you another free gift. • • And actually it's. I'm going to mention the one I mentioned at the top of the episode. • • Um, you know, we're dealing. We're talking a lot about teachers, a little bit about parents. So again, just a reminder, seven strategies to effectively deal with difficult teachers. • • • Um, is a guide for you that will give you courage and confidence to deal with the difficult teachers at your school. • • And you can grab that@the privatescgalar.com difficult. That's a free • PDF guide for you called the Seven Strategies to Effectively Deal with Difficult Teachers. Just go to the privatescooler.com difficult and then one last reminder that Parent Academy could really be a game changer for you and your teachers. • • With four modules for you. • • Two 45 minute PDs for your teachers • • and • • • the reviews are coming in as far as what teachers are getting out of it. And it's starting to change some things in some M schools around the country. And so I'd love for you to learn more about that by going to the privatesgluter.com parentacademy • • • • and • • I want to ask for a favor.
Private School Leader podcast is now in 64 countries
Could you please share the link to this podcast episode • • with a leader in your life, a leader at your school, or someone you met at a conference? Just another leader school leader in your life and also with a rising leader at your school. • • • • • • I think you have a good eye for that talent that's rising. • • • Let's get this content into their hands so that they can be equipped to lead in the future. • • And I'd love to hear from you. If you're getting value from the podcast, I'd love for you to shoot me a quick email and just tell me what what did you learn or what's the biggest pain point that you're dealing with right now? Because that could be an upcoming episode on the podcast. So shoot me an [email protected] • • ah.com that's ar k.o.m I n kusmail.com. the show notes for today's episode are at the privatescool leader.com episode 126. • • And if you would please write a review and rate the podcast wherever you listen to it, that helps the algorithm push this out as suggested • content for leaders all over the world. • Um, the podcast is now in 64 countries. We just added Morocco in the last week. And so this is going out to leaders all over the world. • And you writing a review and rating the podcast actually helps to make that happen. • I'm, um, on Instagram at the Private School Leader • and if you got value from the episode, just be sure to subscribe so you don't miss episode. And I've been your host, Mark Minkus. I just want to say I appreciate you so much and all the hard work that you're doing at your school. • Thank you for taking time out of your busy week to join me here today and I'll see you next time right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And until then, always remember to serve first, lead second, and make a difference.
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