Ex-Gifted

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Problem:

Why do perfectionism and procrastination often go hand in hand, especially in Ex-gifted types?

Perfectionism is so misunderstood. 

People think that perfectionism means you always put a lot of effort into everything

We think of perfectionists as these type A folks with unlimited energy who live the beautiful lives we see on Pinterest and Instagram, with perfect homes, perfect jobs, perfect kids, even perfect pets.

Most of us would laugh if you called us perfectionist.

That's obviously not perfectionism. Right? 

Perfectionism does not mean that you're perfect or that you do everything perfectly. 

Perfectionism is not a state of your life, it's a state of your mind. 

Gifted kids often think that if you’re going to put in the effort that you need to do it flawlessly.

Procrastination can stem from a fear that you won’t do something well enough or the thought that you don’t have time yet to put in the effort needed to do it well enough

Perfectionism can look like: 

• putting things off to the last minute. 
• half assing things to protect our egos
• Editing, editing, erasing, rewriting, then shelving indefinitely
• paralysis - just not doing anything at all
• 
  
• I quit art altogether for 25 years after getting a B on a midterm report card in third grade. Because I had one setback, I chose to do nothing rather than learn and improve

You can have high standards without the fear that comes from perfectionism

How to solve: 

Intentionally practice imperfection. Allow yourself to do things well enough. Even allow yourself to do things badly.

Let people see your mediocrity and let people see your failures. Don’t just sit in shame.

What you see as imperfect, others may see as gorgeous.

Make bad art, play bad music, do things badly. 

As they say, anything worth doing in life is worth doing poorly. 

Let people see your mistakes. Let people see your flaws. Let people see you. 

The next Ex-Gifted is May 28th about the difference between quitting and running away.

The Ex-Gifted Podcast:

If you are a former gifted kid who grew up to struggle with basic adulting, then you need the Ex-Gifted podcast.

Host Ren Eliza talks about gifted kid burnout, and the damage that lasts long into adulthood. Damage like battered self esteem, decimated internal motivation, and a continued failure to live up to expectations even while we were placed on pedestals and alienated from our peers.

Ex-Gifted will cover failure, procrastination, imposter syndrome, and chronic anxiety and depression, and a whole lot more.

Each episode also offers suggestions to deal with your executive dysfunction in adulthood so you can rebuild the systems that allowed you to shine so brightly in childhood.

We’re making exceptional children into functional adults.

Support the show (https://ko-fi.com/reneliza)

The Autofocus System

Updated Autofocus System with lots of discussion

Find me at Exgifted.com or Instagram

Join in on #30toClean and tag @exgiftedcast or @nerdish_mom and all participants will get a downloadable prize of some sort. 

Music

 Kawai Kitsune by Kevin MacLeod

 Link: https://filmmusic.io/song/4990-kawai-kitsune

License: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

Procrastination is pretty foundational for Ex-Gifted types. It’s one of the things that make us who we are.

What if instead of trying to “stop procrastinating” which has never worked in the past, we started making procrastination work for us?

Gifted kids learn the exact possible last moment to start working on an assignment, but as we often end up excelling despite barely putting in any effort, we learn that it’s safe to put in even less effort and we often start missing deadlines altogether.

But what can we do about it when we just can’t drum up the motivation or the willpower?

How can we make procrastination work for us?

I love to use the autofocus productivity method in order to procrastinate on other tasks I’ve already deemed worthy of my time.

Autofocus uses a master to-do list. When you’re ready to get to work, you look over the list and instead of trying to prioritize based on importance, you just work on whatever motivates you at the time.

This allows us to skip the time we’d usually spend on prioritization, and at the same time it utilizes and encourages our internal motivation which is crucial for adults with executive dysfunction.

You might be afraid that you’ll put off the most important tasks - and you might be right - but the important thing to remember is that you’re already doing that. Otherwise you don’t need any help overcoming procrastination. 

The idea here is that we spend the time we’d otherwise be wasting away wishing we could be motivated to work on the right thing, working on something else valuable, even if it isn’t the exact right thing.

Support the show (https://ko-fi.com/reneliza)

In this episode:

Find me at Exgifted.com or Instagram

Join in on #30toClean and tag @exgiftedcast or @nerdish_mom and all participants will get a downloadable prize of some sort. 

Music

Kawai Kitsune by Kevin MacLeod

Link: https://filmmusic.io/song/4990-kawai-kitsune

License: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

Adulting is hard:

* As a kid your only jobs are good grades and interact with humans

* Even for chores, you’re given plenty of external motivation

* But as an adult all we have is natural consequences and that motivation is pretty spotty

* So it feels really hard to do adult things like maintaining a minimum baseline cleanliness of your home

* A lot of that difficulty is in our heads. The actual work required in real life isn’t excessive once you have reasonable expectations. 

* Time yourself to see how much time your regular tasks really take. Show yourself how doable it can be. 

* The most important things to keep up with regularly are dishes and laundry

* As long as you have a method, keeping up with these tasks can be totally manageable

If your washing machine can delay start:

1. Set a timer
2. Process dishes: load or unload the dishes, whatever you have to do 

• until you reach the end or you have about 3 minutes left on the timer 
• if there are dishes left, that’s okay because you’ll get to them tomorrow

1. Go to the laundry and load the washing machine, but delay start until the next day
2.  

• The next day when you come to the laundry room, your laundry will be freshly washed
• Move them to the dryer and reload, again delaying until the next day
• Put your dry clothes into a basket and here’s a secret: Folding or hanging is optional. 
• This means you only have to remember laundry once per day, not two or three times.

If your washing machine doesn’t have a delay start:

1. Start with your laundry doing a quick wash.
2. Set a timer for however long your quick wash takes and wash your dishes first.
3. Keep yourself occupied on cleaning tasks until the timer goes off
4. Move your clothes straight from the washing machine to the dryer. 

• This way the idea is that you never really switch out of that cleaning mindset. You're staying in that cleaning zone the entire time until the clothes get into the dryer and that can help by avoiding the transitions of going from cleaning to not cleaning and then trying to remember to go back to cleaning. That's where we get hung up. 

Putting away: when you take your stuff out of the dryer, put into a basket and consider that maybe that’s “away” enough. It’s an intentional laundry pile. Let go of the shame but keep the pile. 

Sorting: If you keep a...

In this episode: Find Ryan O’Connell at How-to-ADU.com or Facebook

Music: Kawai Kitsune by Kevin MacLeod

Link: https://filmmusic.io/song/4990-kawai-kitsune

License: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

What does it mean to try?

“Do or do not. There is no try.” 

Do you agree with it? What does Yoda even mean? 

M-W.com defines “try” as “to make an attempt” but some people emphasize the “make” while some people emphasize the “attempt.” Most of us actually use it both ways.

From the time I was a child well into my 30s, I always expected to succeed on my first attempt. If I failed I wasn't good at it, and therefore I shouldn't do it. I should just leave those things to the people who are naturally good at it. 

“There is no try” doesn't mean do effortlessly or don't bother. It means commit to what you are doing and do not hedge your bets. It means focused action. Do and then keep doing. And it means having faith in yourself and what you can do. Knowing the unknowable when it comes to your own abilities.

Focused action: There are only two options: you can do or do not. If you do, you might fail a lot. You just take that to mean that you haven't done it yet. 

You can also “do not” and still have success by being good at things “without trying”. I stopped putting effort even into things that came easily to me because “a smart person wouldn't have to try” and when being smart is 90% of your identity…? When I failed, I could always say, “Well, that's OK, 'cause I didn't really try.”  

What can we do about it?

Commit to something you’re not good at. Committing to fail isn’t good enough because you’ll half-ass failing and pretend that counts. Take repeated focused action and commit to a goal that's meaningful and terrifying . You will probably fail along the way. And it will hurt! That means you’re going the right way! This momentary failure IS NOT overall failure. Let it hurt and then keep doing. And believe in yourself. Whether you have any reason to or not. 

Thank you to Ryan O'Connell, who finally sat me down and made me watch the original trilogy. I hope you enjoy this late April Fools Day present! For anyone in California that's looking to make some money and also help with the housing crisis, check him out at How-to-ADU

Join me in two weeks for the next Ex-Gifted to talk about Adulting.

About the podcast:

If you are a former gifted kid who grew up to struggle with basic adulting, then you need the Ex-Gifted podcast.  I talk about gifted kid burnout, and the damage it causes: battered self esteem, decimated internal motivation, and a continued failure to live up to expectations even while we were placed on pedestals and alienated from our peers. I will cover failure, procrastination, imposter syndrome, and chronic anxiety and depression, and a whole lot more. I will also offer suggestions to deal with your executive dysfunction in adulthood so you can rebuild the systems that allowed you to shine so brightly in childhood. Ex-Gifted: making exceptional children into functional adults.

Find a new episode of Ex-Gifted every other Friday at Exgifted.com or

Are you a former gifted kid who now struggles with basic adulting? Then you'll want to check out Ex-Gifted where host Ren Eliza talks about how the gifted program messed with our minds and offer real solutions to live up to that most likely to succeed expectation. Find Ex-Gifted at exgifted.com or Instagram @exgiftedcast. So if you were exceptional as a child but are barely functional as an adult then join me for ex gifted every other Friday starting April 2nd.

Background music:

Kawai Kitsune by Kevin MacLeod

Link: https://filmmusic.io/song/4990-kawai-kitsune

License: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

About the podcast:

If you are a former gifted kid who grew up to struggle with basic adulting, then you need the Ex-Gifted podcast.

Host Ren Eliza talks about gifted kid burnout, and the damage that lasts long into adulthood. Damage like battered self esteem, decimated internal motivation, and a continued failure to live up to expectations even while we were placed on pedestals and alienated from our peers.

Ex-Gifted will cover failure, procrastination, imposter syndrome, and chronic anxiety and depression, and a whole lot more.

Each episode also offers suggestions to deal with your executive dysfunction in adulthood so you can rebuild the systems that allowed you to shine so brightly in childhood.

Ex-Gifted - making exception children into functional adults.

Find a new episode of Ex-Gifted every other Friday at exgifted.com or wherever podcasts are served, and follow the show on Instagram @exgiftedcast

Support the show (https://ko-fi.com/reneliza)