(1980-1995) - Maxie Orgoin, 15 year old with robust spoken word abilities and a sonorous droning monotone voice, died last night trying to defy both a genetic prophecy and the expectations of the adults around her. A camper at heart, but a counselor by trade, Maxie was ready to party and also that other thing. She will be remembered by her tattooed friends, by her father Garlance (yes, that Garlance), and by her 1995 technological instruments. Her Drown A Bunch of Kids chromosome will be sold at auction by Katie Couric and Josh Groban in order to pay for her funeral.

Siamsoing, Pennsylvania

Garlances

Spoken Word

(1925 - 2023) Little Sheila Rosenmeyer, damn near a centenarian, died last night outside her own home on the way to being published as a book. In a life that spanned the width of the 20th century, and punctuated by years filled with historic events, Little Sheila was best known as the large-headed amish retiree of Yonkers. Born in the year of The Great Gatsby, married on the day President Kennedy was assassinated, and buried during the Covid-19 pandemic, Rosenmeyer left behind no will and no modern tools. She will be published by the F. Scott Fitzgerald estate in June of 2025.

(1992 - 2023) Martha Josephina, the darling of the Saturday Night Fever Anniversary Tradition and husband to that Honey Baby Sex Guy, died last night during her town's first annual Saturday Night Fever Celebration that maybe was a setup for a criminal sting operation. Josephina, mother of six kids pre-k, was known to rattle the house: scaring both neighbors and family members alike. She ostracized her apparently less-talented children, and had a penchant for holding personally intrusive people in her social orbit. Her funeral will be paid for by Bob's College of Nollege, and her one successful daughter Julie will give the eulogy.

Kenneth Cooperman (1975 - 2022) and Ollie Cooperman (1975 - 2022), twins at birth but opposites till the end, died without ever leaving their home state of Florida and without ever not loving the same woman. Tallahassee natives who had different interests but the same trivia team, the brothers Cooperman could be seen never together: Kenneth always shredding the Gulf of Mexico on his hoverboat "Sleek Ocean Sleeker #445", and Kenneth tucking himself into a corner of his home library to dive into a book. Which is why their death at the same time and place seems so strange...so strange...donations to be Zelled to the Farley Brothers, not for a boat, but for a name.

(1994 - 2023) Karen (no, not that Karen) died. She didn't want to be known. All she wrote in her will was one name: a name that sends shudders down this humble obituarist's shoulders, a name that tingles my mind and stretches my spine, a name that resounds in my mind even as I type these words, a name that you all must already know..... the name of our beloved leader: KARL.

(1981 - 2022) Ralph Clemens, known as the talent behind Ralph Clemens, LLC, died last night doing what he loved: ignoring his family and indulging in his work on the stage. Known for his sharp fingers and bonsai-like wit, Clemens is credited for ushering in a new era of theater involving detailed live hedges, flowers, and greenery - inspiring a generation of niche live performance laborers. Unfortunately, however, there's no sunlight in a theater. His family business, although slightly wilted, is still alive and well. Water them on their GoFundMe page or find their website using that strange Pappy GPS.

A trio of prayers, intertwined. Listen along as God, the Devil, and Jesus Christ fulfill their New Year's Resolution and change the lives of a family of faithful down on earth. New episode next Thursday !

A story as old as God and the Devil: four ghosts, three meatloafs, two Bostonians, and one happy ending. New episode Thursday. Happy Holidays 🥹

(1995-2022) Blake Boulder, dog-lover and lover-of-dog(s), died last night in the Survivor season finale that has gripped America. Competing with all of their employees from the Happy Fun and Hip Dog Grooming Salon vs members of the Normal Tribe, Blake was known as a challenge wimp but a strategic wizard, melding naive playmaking with shrewd friendship moves. Blake will be remembered by Benji, their dog and totally not anything else, and Joe Biden, who will be delivering a eulogy at the White House after 39 days away from office. Jeff Probst will be lighting an eternal flame torch in Blake's memory. On earth, you can check out Nathan Pearson performing on their podcast "Secure the Bag"..........new episode of Exit Interview next Thursday.

A special rerelease of the film "Minions: Rise of Gru", featuring five additional minions held hostage on a rollercoaster shaped like their bodies.