( ? - ? ) Gloopo, the magician, died and came back to life last night because of chili. Little is known about his life except for one fateful hour when he went from part-time barista to full-time magician, resurrecting dead veterans at the Fargo American Legion. We don’t know if he’s dead or alive, but we do know that he will be a fashion icon for years to come. Yum.

ft. NATE STEPHENSON as Gloopo the Magician

TRICIA CRIMMINS as Samantha the Wise

JOHN GOODMAN as Devil & Maurice & Samuel

DAN KUAN PEEPLES as God & Matthius

theme song by AARON SHAPIRO

an ELEVATOR pod

(1980 - 2021) Ellen Schmidt, known as Director Schmidt to the kids she led in her middle school drama class, died during the premiere performance of her original show "Little Shop of Horrors x Rube Goldberg". Dedicated to the ancient art of performance, Schmidt waged a war against her mortal enemy and middle school physics teacher Mr. Crosbone before realizing that her destiny was to bring the arts and sciences together on top of one denim-and-leather-laden stage. Her funeral will be started with the launch of a cannon into a horse carrying a bundle of water down a stream, hitting a row of dominoes, dropping ten pounds of ropes onto a forklift that will drive her coffin into the grave. No mops allowed.

and many thanks to NICK AUER, who provided music for this episode!

ft. ABBY ZWETCHKENBAUM as Ellen Schmidt & Mop

HANNAH ALBERTINE as Mr. Crosbond & Bobby

JOHN GOODMAN as Devil & Joey

DAN KUAN PEEPLES as God & The Brothers Wu

theme song by AARON SHAPIRO

an ELEVATOR pod

(2000 - 2021) Purell, that mermaid tucked beneath a layer of trash in the Long Island Sound, the owner of the Michelin-star underwater restaurant "Mike's", and also the collector of human detritus, died in her restaurant last night while celebrating her success with her family. Despite enduring trans-continental commutes during her college years and mermaid-biases throughout her career, Pearl grew to become a businessmermaid and inspiration to her entire species and community. Her funeral will be held with scuba gear in the Long Island Sound, and if ya can't make it - just tune into Dolph Lundren's station. Or Jerry FishFins. Or Ricky ManArms. Or Neptune's podcast "SeaTimeTalk".

WHITNEY DILLON as Pearl & Cheryl

WILL KOLLER as Aquafur & Neptune & Ricky ManArms

JOHN GOODMAN as Devil & Dolph Lundren & Jerry FishFins

DAN KUAN PEEPLES as God & Mike & Mark the Monkfish

theme song by AARON SHAPIRO

an ELEVATOR pod

(1921 - 1971) Dusted this tape cassette off the shelf for this week's episode: Grace, also known as Myra Tiana, also known as Meredith, died while drinking and smoking with her lover-pigeon at her one-person show. A performer who flocked to the spotlight of the stage in the early 1940's, Grace became the envy of a laundry list of understudies who periodically and half-heartedly tried to kill her. She will be remembered by the birds she loved, by the songs she howled, and by her representation of a classical trans-Atlantic accent. Her performances will be forgotten in probably like a year or two, but her oversized personality will long be remembered by her parents and friends.

ft. HANNAH SOLOW as Grace

TRICIA CRIMMINS as Grisbelda & Cholera

JOHN GOODMAN as Devil & Kelsey W

DAN KUAN PEEPLES as God & Billy Bob Jones

theme song by AARON SHAPIRO

an ELEVATOR pod

(1994 - 2021) Mikey "Yekim" Elliot - maker of flans, party comrade of the old folks home, savior of Oahu - died last night after finally completing his lifelong odyssey for a bachelor's degree. Known for attending as many colleges as he had years in his life, Elliot was known for bringing to light the new scientific research showing the effects that flans have on octopus mating. His funeral will be hosted by the Old Folks home and held at the club, and attendants of other funerals will be able to transfer to Mikey's if they like.

ft. BRENNEN MALONE as Mikey Elliot

TRICIA CRIMMINS as Professor Slice & TA Jerry

JOHN GOODMAN as Devil & Lespinasse

DAN KUAN PEEPLES as God & Professor 10tacles

theme song by AARON SHAPIRO

an ELEVATOR pod

Chris Crumley died months ago, but it took months for a rescue crew to retrieve his body from the bowels of the earth. Here's his story.

ft. JONAH as Chris Crumley

WILL KOLLER as Dave Bosnia

JOHN GOODMAN as Devil & Monsieur Serbia

DAN KUAN PEEPLES as God & Margaux

theme song by AARON SHAPIRO

an ELEVATOR pod

(1963 - 2015) Jim S*****, former vice principal and current Interim Principal of OJ Simpson Memorial Middle School, died last night trying to sell off-brand milk to people who were not who they said they were. S*****, leader of the cultish after-school group called the S********, led OJ Simpson Memorial through multiple turbulent name changes as the school and students dealt with their namesake's confusing and polarizing history, eventually watching as a faction of his own cult splintered to create a separate educative commune. He will forever be known as the man who ran the S******, the man who discovered mooj, and the man who led the s******** in the war against the Hard-ons. Cheers and happy Thursday.

ft. RODERICK o'TOOLE as Jim S*****

TRICIA CRIMMINS as "Darlene" Morris "The Mask" Morris

JOHN GOODMAN as Devil & Officer Sanchez

DAN KUAN PEEPLES as God & Millard

theme song by AARON SHAPIRO

an ELEVATOR pod

(1992 - 2021) Ariana Carbonara, Yelp Influencer and polyamorous entrepreneur, died with her lovers on top of her last night in a basement bowling alley in her hometown of Tulsa, Oklahoma. Known for writing scathing reviews about almost every food venue in town, Carbonara was engaged in the process of opening up her own reviewing app - Yelp for Poly People - aimed at judging the capability of different lovers when she kicked the proverbial bucket. Carbonara will be remembered by the consumers of her new app, by her six-plus lovers, and by the donut surf-and-turf shops that closed due to her negative reviews.

ft. TAYLOR BLACKBURN as Ariana Carbonara

JONAH as Boss & Jett

JOHN GOODMAN as Devil & Vincenzo from Pisa

DAN KUAN PEEPLES as God & Reggie

theme song by AARON SHAPIRO

an ELEVATOR pod

(2001 - 2026) Jean Goodie - sculptor of root vegetables, emptier of toilets, sister to a hand-walker - died while weaving a corporate food truck through a flurry of cop cars and schoolbuses last night. A rejector of the monopolistic American status quo, Jean found time to reconnect with her family at the end of her life - gaining newfound love for her corporate-libertarian mother and sister. A shrine of her sunset potatoes will be on display at the Idaho Plumbing Trade School, until they get bought up and used by the local McDonalds.

ft. WHITNEY LEES as Jean Goodie

WILL KOLLER as Papa Goodie

JOHN GOODMAN as Devil & Mama Goodie

DAN KUAN PEEPLES as God & Sarah Cindy & Dean Borinquen

theme song by Aaron Shapiro

an ELEVATOR pod

( 1992 - 2021 ) John Goodman, the King of Creams, died this morning in Guam after being stabbed in the back while lying down on an acupuncture table. Known for his sonorous pitch-voice and his entrepreneurial ability to sell, John Goodman - no, not the famous actor Goodman - and no, not the famous podcaster Goodman - had recently landed a major sponsorship at the Third Annual Acupuncturist Convention in Guam, premiering a film promoting his products called "Acupuncture Island". His memorial has already been held on a deserted island in the Pacific, but you can buy his creams that look an awful lot like CBD at Walgreens and Ulta Beauty.

ft. CAEL SCHWARTZ as John Goodman

TRICIA CRIMMINS as Grace & Mr. Denise

JOHN GOODMAN as Devil & Lionel

DAN KUAN PEEPLES as God & Jen & Reggie

theme song by Aaron Shapiro

additional music by Greg Berg

an ELEVATOR pod