Exxxxtraordinary Podcast

Title: BDSM, Kink, Power play and Relationship Anarchy

It says it's part 2 but we don't know where part 1 went so… yeah. Here's the juicy stories about playing in the dungeon!

Tonya is a fat women relationship anarchist who lives in Florida.

We talk about:

-What is relationship anarchy

- "I don't want to limit or try to define any relationship." Tonya

- Some of my relationships are defined. I have a husband. We've been together 13 years.

- "And if my friends, John and Joe, who have been together for 20 fucking years, if they can't get married, I'm not going to get married because it's bullshit. And then of course, as soon as gay marriage happened, everybody asks me, Tanya, when are you getting married? I'm like, fuck you. I'm not getting married. I'm just not getting married. And then we got married."

- Dungeon night!

- Community and staying connected through out the year!

- An anal fisting scene

- A little bit of sex magic!

- How we deal with having different level of safer sex protection levels.

- Feeling honored in our safer sex conversations

- HSV and how Tonya talks about genital herpes.

- Safer sex testing and privilege

- STI and other risky behavior

- STIs can be treated

- Questions to ask yourself before going out into sexy situations.

- "I want fat people to feel good and feel like they are just as entitled to feeling good in their bodies and sexually as anyone else, including as entitled as sexist and people."

- A lot about how awesome Tristan Taoromino sexoutloud.com – she's amazing!

- References to Cooper and Dylan from Life on the Swingset.

- A lot of details about squiriting and being in service to the goddess that is Tristan Taromino.

- Most women do not have orgasms from penetration alone!

- Talk to you partner about everything!!

- "So. Orgasm hasn't been a focus for me for a really long time. I don't really masturbate because I have carpal tunnel and my wrist and vibrators just weren't doing it for me"

- Different kinds of orgasms!

- Kink and power play: We went to our area and got set up and she said, you're going to sit here, and we discussed my body and what it can and can't do,

- "and we talked about what her expectations were and that, you know, I was going to serve her and I call her ma'am and she was going to put me in a collar and was I okay with that?"

- "And she was adamant, absolutely adamant that at any point, if I became physically uncomfortable or had any pain or any issues with anything. I was to let her know immediately and she said, because if you can't serve me in the way that I need to be served, then that displeases me."

- "I'm not real good with measurement, you know, I mean, men, my whole life had been telling me this is eight inches."

- "That you can have all these connections and all these different ways and they, they don't look like, you know, what, what mainstream people, you know, connections are kind of quote unquote supposed to look like."

Jessica is a fat burlesque dancer, fat pole dancer and awesome fat women who was at our sex-cation with Swingset Takes Desire in Cancun this fall!

We talk about:

• Coming out as bisexual.
• You can just have sex with women and not necessarily date them and that's ok!
• Event drop. It's real yo'!
• Having a sad.
• Being all in at the resort
• Other sex positive resorts and getting comfy being naked in a fat body.
• Finding a sexy resort for the first time!
• Dieting eats your life, time, energy and effort.
• "If only" with dieting – before being "fat"
• Fat pole dancing!
• "Comparison is the thief of joy!"
• Moms that's diet and how that is.
• Food policing
• Finding clothes
• Periods of low libido
• Married and opening your relationship
• Transitioning into polyamory
• Work playing havoc with your libido
• Relationship dry spells
• "being valued as a human being makes a huge difference in whether you feel turned on"
• Talk ab out being awkward.
• Talk about gang bangs
• And a gang bang with no penetration!

We talk about:

- Going from monogamy to sharing deeply to divorce to partnership

- Deep diving into polyamory

- Deep diving into the BDSM scene in North Carolina

- Sweetness's husband moving in with someone else

- Staying married through metamors and changing living situation

- Briana "there's these huge shifts that happen in our relationships.

And, um, often they go on an acknowledged"

Sweetness: "we realize that we're not, we're not the same people that we were at different points of our marriage"

• Shifting financial entanglements along with the domestic ones
• Changing body sizes and coming to terms with shame and being fat

Briana: And we have a cultural story about self sacrifice, right? That's what mothers should be doing. And it's horseshit."

• Being sex positive and having grandkids
• Being anxious being at a sex-cation
• Stereotypes in the swinger community and in coming to Desire
• Partner who is gender non-conforming
• Dealing with not being able to find clothes and lingerie that fit well.
• And much much more!
• Resources:

  Resources: "The Ethical Slut: by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy https://www.akpress.org/ethicalslut.html

  More Than Two https://www.morethantwo.com/

  Tristan Taormino http://tristantaormino.com/ "Sex Out Loud" podcast

  Life on the Swingset https://www.lifeontheswingset.com/category/podcast/swingset/

Sex-cation, Libido and Getting Some!

Guest interview day! Interview with Jessica from Toronto!

Jessica is a fat burlesque dancer, fat pole dancer and awesome fat women who was at our sex-cation with Swingset Takes Desire in Cancun this fall!

We talk about:

• Coming out as bisexual.
• You can just have sex with women and not necessarily date them and that's ok!
• Event drop. It's real yo'!
• Having a sad.
• Being all in at the resort
• Other sex positive resorts and getting comfy being naked in a fat body.
• Finding a sexy resort for the first time!
• Dieting eats your life, time, energy and effort.
• "If only" with dieting – before being "fat"
• Fat pole dancing!
• "Comparison is the thief of joy!"
• Moms that's diet and how that is.
• Food policing
• Finding clothes
• Periods of low libido
• Married and opening your relationship
• Transitioning into polyamory
• Work playing havoc with your libido
• Relationship dry spells
• "being valued as a human being makes a huge difference in whether you feel turned on"
• Talk ab out being awkward.
• Talk about gang bangs
• And a gang bang with no penetration!

Live at Desire - Xine - Have Pleasure Now! 

Christine  lives in the San Francisco Bay Area and, although busy, is always looking for new friends, community, and activity partners! If you'd like to get in touch, the best way is to send her a Facebook message or friend request (https://www.facebook.com/Xine.story) You may also email her at [email protected] for a slower response. Also @RainyDayMondays on Instagram

This was recorded at Desire Riviera Maya in Cancun. My sweetheart and I were there with the folks from Life on the SwingSet for a little event they call "Swingset takes Desire." Desire is a swinger resort in Cancun Mexico that is taken over by a group of what I think of as freaks and queers: poly, swinger, kinky, queer, sex positive folks. Some new folks, lots of returners.

I interviewed several people and this is one of those. They are a bit out of recording order because of various logistics like getting people's bios and so on so ignore all that. These were recorded with my iPhone so I've done my best with the sound quality.

Also the episode references Nomy Lamm – queer, fat icon. Who happens to be one of the fat queers that I also connected with in another place in Fat community. I met met Nomy at https://nolose.org/

I reached out to her to see if she wanted to comment and this is what she said:

"hi briana! this sounds amazing. my website is www.nomyteaches.com.

you could also mention that I'm the creative director for Sins Invalid - sinsinvalid.org. also if people want access to the first issue of 'i'm so fucking beautiful' (released in 1993!) here is a link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BxM9mTeuGlNaUm5ScUtDNkVXc0k/view?usp=sharing "

So now you can reach out to Nomy and her work and see what a bad ass she is too!

Also she'll hopefully be on an upcoming episode and you can hear her yourselves! Now on to the show snippets!

• How did you become sex positive? Christine: Oh, I was always a horny little slut.
• On her partner struggling: not being able to communicate well meant that he didn't have the words to describe how he felt or really to identify it so it was hard to talk about.
• "Actually all, all of my partners are, are queer men currently, but, um, so he, he's, his main interest is in, in guys like sexually. But he's a varsity cuddler!"
• On Bi men "There were a lot of men putting their mouths in a lot of places. And we like that!"
• Queerness and queer invisibility and seeing internalized homophobia.
• "You know, we didn't know you were queer. We thought you were straight. And he's just like. Well, I have the purple bead, I have the rainbow necklace, I have the rainbow bead. My toenails are painted rainbow. My fingernails are painted. I'm wearing ladies' flip flops. More do I have to do?"
• We give a lot of love to bi men!
• "You don't have to be 100% love your body to, to use it in a way that's pleasurable"
• Also @RainyDayMondays on Instagram

I interview Mattie Fricker naked at Desire in Cancun!

Sex-cation interview with Matie! This is a really fun episode with Matie Fricker of Self Serve Toys! It was recorded while we were at Desire Riviera Maya – a swinger resort. We were there on a takeover of the resort with The Swingset Takes Desire. We get deep in it and talk about so may sweet and sexy things.

Self-Serve Toys was kind enough to give us a promo code: Exxxxtraordinary 

Matie Fricker is a smut peddling sweetheart with a deep love for the odd and tender. She owns Albuquerque's best sex shop, Self Serve Toys. Self Serve is a shiny bubble of love and safety for those seeking pleasure and joy in their lives. One of her proudest accomplishments was causing Rush Limbaugh to say "female orgasm" on-air multiple times. Matie has been awarded the 2008 Tough Cookie Award from the National Association for Women Business Owners, Best Sexy Shop in ABQ's Alibi Weekly Newspaper for 13 years and Albuquerque Pride's Outstanding Retail Store Award. http://selfservetoys.com

Here's the highlights!

In finding her fat identity:

• Overcoming child sexual abuse
• Coming out as queer
• Touching a girl's hand for the first time
• Learning to feel hunger for sex and eat again
• "I'm so sure that you're wrong that you're body is wrong. I am 100% confident that you're wrong about hating your body" Mattie Fricker
• Virgie Tovar's "You Have the Right to Remain Fat" https://www.feministpress.org/books-n-z/you-have-the-right-to-remain-fat

• "We deserve to be treated well" – Briana Cavanaugh
• The tension of "the good fatty role" v the "good activist role"
• Food is not poison.
• My relationship with my body has to be a practice. And my relationship with food has to be a practice.
• I love your feelings
• Secrets and being healthy or unhealthy
• Resources: The Body is Not An Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor https://www.sonyareneetaylor.com/books
• Not having to earn love.

About Fat SEX!

• "Emergent Strategy: Shaping Change, Changing Worlds" by adrienne maree brown 
• "Pleasure Activism" also by adrienne maree brown 
• Standing up to a fat fetishist at sex party
• Mattie: I want somebody to tell me that I fucking love my fat pussy and they love my rolls. And they love how they love how heavy I am. They love how things feel. They love, they want to, they want to fuck me until I juggle… but respectfully.
• And I fuck feminists who won't say things like that.
• Care about fucking fat people. Touch us and listen to us.
• Sex Out Loud podcast with Tristan Taormino http://tristantaormino.com/sex-out-loud/about/
• All bodies are good bodies, deserving of love, exactly as they are.
• This is what my body looks like when it's not aroused and you have to add arousal.
• It was so cool to use my body to teach.
• It was so cool to teach the whole time I was having an orgasm!
• We help each other feel safe.
• "Curvy Girl Sex" by Elle Chase (link on website)
• Matie is awesome!
• You can find Matie at https://www.selfservetoys.com/

Holiday Survival Guide: Food, fat shaming and the holidays!

Fat shaming refers to the idea that people are prejudiced against fat people. They medicalize and pathologize us and assume all sorts of bs and have all sorts of demeaning qualities including thinking fat people are lazy, sloppy, eat badly and don't exercise and use that as reasons to deny us services, health care and blaming us for anything and everything that happens to us from lack of health care to not being able to size is certain chairs.

It's even in the definition… however this definition is ironic (listen to find out why)

What fat shaming is… from wikipedia

Anti-fat bias refers to the prejudicial assumption of personality characteristics based on an assessment of a person as being overweight or obese. It is also known as "fat shaming". Fat activists allege anti-fat bias can be found in many facets of society, and blame the media for the pervasiveness of this phenomenon.

You shouldn't have to deal with fatphobia. So I'm here to pass on some resources for you this holiday season. All these links are in the show notes!

If you have questions or want to talk more about this join the Exxxxtraorindary FB group! It's a fat only space!

To start off with Ragen Chastain did a whole bunch of holiday songs to help you laugh at fatphobia.

The whole series of fat positive, anti diet songs:

Including:

• My Body Rocks!
• Don't give me judgement for Christmas
• No one cares (about your Diet)
• Link here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8F_9VQgIzkY&list=PLDca9ev11s5QxpnVYP0BylaL6IIj30XSv&fbclid=IwAR3PBNm8G_s250q3g3_1AGoFiNFjt4eCDARRWC5fczza1SiDQten6JDfLvg

Going into the holidays if you're going to go "home" or other places that might not be awesome for your mental health or that are fat phobic, here are some tips I've come up with to help!

1. Have friends on stand by – before you head home, set up a text thread or have folks that you can call if something happens. Having back up can help a lot
2. Prepare your remarks – come up with a practice a couple of snappy (or not to snappy) retorts that you can say if something says something
3. Set the stage – if you know that certain people say things, let them or people around you know that it's not ok. A well placed, "that's not ok" or "I'm not available to talk about my body with you" or "Keep your opinions about my body to yourself" can do wonders.
4. Or send them this happy gift guide By Ragen Chaistain, and other articles I've linked to here by Laurel Dickman and Robin Raven.

Here's how to not ruin the holidays for Fat people

https://danceswithfat.org/2017/12/18/heres-how-to-not-ruin-the-holidays-for-fat-people/

Don't give a weight loss or "health" gift

Don't be the food police

Don't monitor, comment on, or concern yourself in any way with fat people's (or any sized people's) food choices at parties, holiday dinners or, hey, ever.  If we need the food police, we'll call Pie-1-1.

Don't give a fat shaming card

Don't put your fat family and friends in the position to cut you off

Don't engage in diet talk or negative body talk

This suggestion isn't just to help fat guests, but also for guests of any size who may be dealing with eating disorders, or guests who are interested in conversations that aren't boring as hell. Find something else to talk about than why you are or are not eating what you are or are not eating.  Skip the 5 minutes soliloquy on what you feel you have to do to punish yourself for eating pie, and ask somebody at the party to tell you about themselves instead, or go watch TV, or play on your phone, whatever.

Dealing with Family, Friends and the Food Police

https://danceswithfat.org/2014/11/24/dealing-with-family-and-friends-food-police/

By Robin Raven

6 ways to deal with fat-shaming during the holidays, from someone who knows what it's like

https://hellogiggles.com/lifestyle/health-fitness/6-ways-to-deal-fat-shaming-during-holidays/

The basic message of which is: No matter how—or why—anyone's body looks the way it does, we deserve to be respected and treated with care. 

Tip 5: Make a list of things to remember this holiday season such as: "I deserve to be treated with care" and "There's no wrong way to have a body" (by Hanne Blank) and other fat positive quotes and carry them with you.

Tip 6: And the last tip is: Come hang out with us in the exxxxtraordinary community on Fb: https://www.facebook.com/groups/ExxxxtraordinaryPodcast/

I wish you the best possible holidays full of amazing people, delicious food and ease!

Thank you for listening!

This podcast is going to see us have a lot of the conversation about partnership. This idea is so often centered around the interaction between a man and a woman and mostly in relation to straight, married people. Oh and monogamous people. That's not what we are referring to here specifically on this show – so today I want explode those boxes and discuss the wide variety of partnerships, relationships, sexuality, attraction and how that relates (and doesn't relate) to gender identity.

When I'm talking about partnership, I'm really talking about interrelating with people who will help you do something more, or be more than you can be by yourself.

That doesn't really have anything to do with gender. It doesn't have anything to do with sexuality. It doesn't have anything to do with romance.

Anywhere that you use the word of should it's likely you are talking about an expectation. Also you people say things like "Well everyone knows …" that is also a sign you are referring to an expectation.

• I want to explicitly talk about being inclusive of different genders and sexualities and sexual and relationship preferences.
• Genderbread.org does a great job at breaking down pieces that people get confused. Identity like gender identity, gender expression, identity and expression in general sex, gender and sexual orientation.
• I generally identify as a, bisexual woman and I am in an open relationship.
• Let's talk about the difference between between sex and gender, your sex is  usually like anatomical sex as in your genitals, what's between your legs, your chromosomes, your hormones, your body hair etc - but what it's not is your gender, right?
• Gender identity is the psychological sense of who you, who of self, of who you are in your head, who you know yourself to be, based of course on how much you align or don't align with the under, with, um, what you understand the options for gender to be
• Why do the conversations about the fluidity of gender get people so upset? It can cause a limbic flight or freeze hindbrain response and that can see us get angry - fast.
• But the truth of it is - other people's gender is really none of our business. And who they have sex with is none of our business - unless the person they have sex with is you.
• My gender expression is generally pretty femme - my gender identity mostly matches my anatomical sex and my gender expression - but that's not the case for everyone.
• Sexual attraction isn't really a component of gender, however, we often conflate sexual orientation with gender or categorize the attraction of experience in gendered ways.
• The labels around sexual orientation themselves are so gendered
• The social scripts for love, relationship and even sex are so specific and inflexible. 

Learning is what is going to breed tolerance and understanding!

• The more understanding that you have, having more exposure etc, the easier time you'll have when you encounter, different genders and sexualities - the more you know, understand and feel familiar with all of this, the more understand and tolerance you will have.

• http://genderbread.org/
• The Intersex Society of North America (ISNA) https://isna.org/

You can support the show for as little as $2 a month!

I'd would love for you to come on this journey with us and be an active part of making the show happen.

Support the show here on Patreon.

Expectations are a thing I was blown away by once I got to understanding what expectations are and how they totally have the possibility of hijacking my life. When we say "Oh, I expected you to do this" we say it as though it were true thing, when nearly a 100% of the time we have not told the other person what our expectations are. Yeah. And therein lies the trap.

The reason we're like dying to be in relationship and the reason that it's so painful when, when breakups happen, friendship breakup happened is because CONNECTION is a core need for us as human beings.

You know how can actually be as painful to break up with someone or to have a friend breakup as it is to like break your arm. There, there are good reasons for that.

But there is so much about this whole thing about of wanting to be in relationship that we have backwards.

Today we going to unpack CONNECTION.

• to join link or Fasten together, unite or bind to associate mentally or emotionally