Failure To Launch

How about a modern adaption of a literary classic, created by Martin Scorsese & Dean Koontz, starring Parker Posey and Adam Goldberg? Sound good? It sure sounded good to USA Network in 2004.

Except all they got out of it was your standard gritty cop show. Except it stars a modern day Frankenstien. Except he's not called Frankenstien. Except the show is called Frankenstien. Except there's...

God dammit, this thing's a mess.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Andrew Cherry, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone

Soundboard: David Shaw

What do you think of when you think of Nick Fury? War hero? Super spy? Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D? Well, in the 90's, he was all of those, only he was still a smoker. Oh, and he was played by DAVID FREAKIN' HASSELHOFF.

In '98 the former Baywatch star played the comic book legend in a portrayal that Stan Lee and The Hoff himself agreed was better than "that other guy". No one else did, apart from a few bad poetry enthusiasts and hobbyist miners.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Fabian Lapham, Andrew Cherry, Harry Brimage

Soundboard: David Shaw

For everyone who watched Stargate and thought, "I wish this had more Nazis!", comes "The Time Tunnel". A remake of the classic 60s sci-fi series in which a group of scientists, soldiers and a polygraph operator with a peanut obsession travel through time, saving history from the reality warping effects of a "time storm".

So if you're curious about what would happen if New Jersey didn't exist, what the hell a "time storm" is or what it it takes to make Ferris sympathise with Nazis, then this episode is for you!

Reviewers: James Ferris, Fabian Lapham, Andrew Cherry, Harry Brimage

Soundboard: David Shaw

*Episode now includes the clip explaining "the 240", which was previously erased from time by a Belgian.

The season 2 premiere of Failure to Launch examines the pilot for Tarzan In Manhattan, a fun, light hearted romp involving murder, animal torture and post-traumatic stress disorder.

When Tarzan's ape-mum (she was in the book), played by some dude in a gorilla suit (not in the book), is shot and inexplicably left behind by poachers, Tarzan heads for the Big Apple to track down her assassins (sort of in the book). Along the way he meets Jane (she was in the book), a tough New York cabbie (not like that though) and her dad, a PTSD-suffering ex-cop private detective whose favourite disguise is Elizabethan dandy (fuck the book at this point).

Can Tarzan keep his clothes on long enough to find his mother's killer and rescue his chimpanzee friend before Jane's dad shoots yet another person with one of the several guns he probably shouldn't own?

Reviewers: James Ferris, Fabian Lapham, David Shaw

Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

In this Christmas themed season finale of Failure to Launch, we examine the pilot for Miracle Man. An independently produced pilot, shopped to a few Christian networks, the series asked the question, quote, "What would it look like if Jesus came today?"

By "came", they mean lived in Phoenix repairing foreclosed houses, running a faith healing/prayer group out the back of some store that's totally not a cult, saving children from car accidents with his psychic powers,* and not bothering to use those powers when blue demons arrange for his Best Buddy™ Lazarus to die in a car accident as a way to crush JC's will.

Luckily for JC, he doesn't really care if his friends die, so... all good.

*Yep.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lucy Shaw

Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Terminator fans and robot fetishists rejoice! This week's pilot features a secret conspiracy of world domination, and an inexplicably British protagonist who sleeps with not one but two lady robots.

In 1986 NBC commissioned Annihilator, a pilot about a man who discovers that humans are being replaced by dog killing, limb severing, chain smoking robot dopple-gangers. Obviously, his immediate reaction is to tell everyone and act completely surprised when nobody believes him. His second plan is to perform a ridiculous amount of property damage, trust anyone who puts out, and then frame his crimes on homeless people.

Longtime listeners will understand this - get ready for an Invincible-level pilot.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Lucy Shaw, Alex Malone, David Shaw

Soundboard: Harry Brimage

It was 1992, and NBC aired a made-for-TV movie (code for failed pilot) based around a crime fighting robot dinosaur. You would think that NBC's blatant cash in on Robosaurus' popularity would actually feature the 2.2 million dollar car eating machine, but if you've been listening to our show then you should know better.

In a post global warming future (it's a little bit warm), we follow the story of David Nash, an ace cop trying (and failing) to come to terms with the death of his child. He puts everything in jeopardy to pursue his son's killer, a man who pretends to be a Colonel and has a warehouse full of super suspicious boxes.

Then Nash meets a man who claims to be magic and ejaculates up the ghost of his dead son in the form of a giant robot Dinosaur after he learns to believe in himself. Not a comedy.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Fabian Lapham

Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Earlier this year, Amazon boldly invested in a TV pilot that tried to dissuade their customers from using the Internet. Unfortunately/fortunately for Amazon their risk didn't pay off, and now we may never really know the mysteries of the "Hysteria" universe.

A universe where everyone freaks out over a contagion that only infects three people (maybe). A universe where Laura San Giacomo plays an elderly grandmother. A universe where the only cure for this mystery illness is not spending 9 hours at your computer watching the same YouTube video.

Might not be that implausible though, considering we live in a universe where a show that thinks a viral video could spread an actual virus was made in 2014 by an internet-based company.

Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Harry Brimage

Soundboard: Alex Malone

Anne Rice is one of the most beloved horror authors of the modern era. After the runaway success of her Vampire Chronicles, the middling success of her Lives of the Mayfair Witches and the bewildering publication of her middle school diary, Rice was ready to move to TV!

In 2001, she wrote the pilot for the original series, Earth Angels, detailing the secret war between armies of Angels and Demons for the souls of all mankind.

Although, it's not really a war. More of a series of petty spats and arguments. And there's really no armies, more like a volleyball team's worth of angels and, like, 3 demons, absolute max. And it's not really a TV show, because in a TV show stuff happens.

But it does have Krycek from the X-Files. So, there's that.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Alex Malone, David Shaw

Soundboard: Fabian Lapham

1994 was a big year for TV. ER. Friends. The episode of Ellen where she dated Nitro from American Gladiators. Which could explain how CBS executives dared to pass on the pilot for Sherlock Holmes Returns, in which the world's greatest detective is unfrozen in 1994 San Francisco to solve a series of murders that involve throwing tigers at people.

With a wit as sharp as Holmes himself and an enthusiasm as pure as the drugs he'll fight you for, this show will change the way you think about cement trucks full of beetles.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Fabian Lapham, David Shaw

Soundboard: Andrew Cherry