The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker field February's listener entries for Mesut Haaland Dicks, where the Clichés faithful nominate their niche footballing fascinations and irritations.

Among the selections are watching football through a pub window, the five specific scenarios that allow you to chant "SIGN HIM UP!", players being photoshopped into the kit of the team trying to sign them and substitutes who creep onto the pitch while they're warming up.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel look ahead to Graeme Le Saux's stand-up comedy debut, enjoy the sons of two Barclays-era names going head to head in the National League and assess an AI-generated vision of the footballing loves and hates of Richard Keys.

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