Footballland

Greetings, Captain Footballland here!

I have exciting things to report: our intrepid trio continue to fight for the greater footballing good – battling interminable desert sand storms, blistering temperature and general indifference – the park progress. Flying high above the footprint of Footballland I can imagine the splendour that awaits, which is good because it's just sand at the minute. BUT meanwhile our brave threesome not only continue the build, but bring us THREE new attractions too!!!

Robbie Fowler's Growler

While the boys struggled to imagine Robbie Fowler in any other era than the 1990s, they luckily didn't struggle to imagine him with a massive bush and a series of animals that growl...

Calf and a Half

Petting zoo, centaur ride, I think not!! How about a field full of sexy, sexy, sexy leg shaped sexual aids. Imagine 'Field of Dreams' meets 'A Christmas Story' and you're about half way there.

The Referee's A W*nker

The less said about this the better. Give it a listen. If you can.

Yours lovingly,

Anthony Richardson (CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer)

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Good day fair Footballlanders,

Another glorious week of Footballland is upon us, and what a week of Footballland last week was, no? EXCITING NEWS ALERT!! We have broken ground! We think... (TBC) Either way Mark is out in Qatar, we think... (or Saudi Arabia (TBC)) and he's employed a local (TBC) building contractor/builder/man who is definitely doing stuff.

Robbie Keane's Roly Poly Shooting Gallery

Ryan brings us one of the most iconic and poorly executed celebrations in football BUT in the form of a triathlon and possibly lots and lots of animal cruelty, (TBC).

Headless Chickens FC

Mark opens up about his former addiction to games consoles, it's hard to know whether this is a pitch or some kind of alternative therapy, however you won't be surprised to discover that clones are involved. And somebody with a massive head.

The Footballer Vacation Simulator

Want to live the high life? Or just look really bored on an identikit holiday of your mate's? Well, why have to choose when you can hop aboard the The Footballer Vacation Simulator.

We can't wait for you all to visit Footballland. Next week - let's do it all again!!

Yours lovingly,

Anthony Richardson (CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer)

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings Footballland Earholders!

Well, we must apologise again, not sure to who, but to somebody for sure... Yes we've failed, yet again, to break ground on Footballland but we're not really worried because it's all sand and sand is dead easy to dig so, you know... In other news Anthony is having a lovely time in Hawaii as he makes his way "the other way" around the world back from Tuvalu, so as not to lose a day AND then there's the small matter of coming up with three excellent new rides too:

The Quadruple Loople

Mark pitches the impossible, which we thought had been done before on Footballland but this time it's really impossible, it's a ride that recreates all the hype and all the reality of an English club trying to complete the quadruple. (Community Shield excluded, T&Cs apply).

It's Alive

Anthony suggests an alternate use for Martin Tyler: mad scientist. What better way to celebrate the history of football than to take one of the most famous catchphrases of recent years and add a letter? Join Martin for some Frankenstein-ish goings on, oh and some snooker too.

The Mark Drapery

If you're going bring your antiques to Qatar to get polish by Juan Sebastian Veron then you might as well get your soft furnishing whipped up too, right? Well at least Ryan thinks so. (Bloody interns!!)

Don't forget to send us your ride ideas and lots of love!

With love from,

Anthony Richardson (Footballland CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer)

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings Footballlanders,

It's all kicking off in Tuvalu! Anthony has started the newest, spiciest rivalry in football. After beating them in an 11 vs 1 game, he has now started to berate them and insult them whenever possible. Needless to say, we've not started building yet BUT we did come up with three excellent new rides:

Ten Hag Pin Bowling

Man Utd have tried everything to not be sh*t recently, and failed, but it's possible that Anthony might have a solution for them – 46 pin bowling! What better way to make squad choices that to knock down random pins representing members of the squad. Sound more plausible than something called Ed Woodward.

Lee Cars Lee

Ryan loves a car park doesn't he, he just can't help himself. While it's not another car park this time (thank god) it is another car park based pitch, it's the Lee Cars Lee! Who better to look after your car than Lee Carsley? Only one small hitch with this one, Lee might not want to give you your car back...

The Draught Excluder

Mark loves nothing more than at the end of a hard day, to crawl inside a giant sausage skin and lie in front of a draughty front door belonging to an old lady. So he made a ride out of it. At least I think that's what this is.

Don't forget to send us your ride ideas and lots of love! Oh and join our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

With love from,

Anthony Richardson (Footballland CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer)

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Greetings Footballland Earholders!

What a sunny day it is here in Western Samoa, Doha and Butlins Minehead respectively! The team at Footballland are working around the clock to bring you the first, best, biggest and only football themed theme park in Qatar, ready for the World Cup in 2022 in Qatar, in Qatar in 2022, in Qatar, and we've almost started building!

The three brand new rides for the park this week are as follows:

Father & Son - The Big Man / Little Man Combo

Ryan suggests having a service where disappointed dads can adopt a footballer to replace their hugely inadequate son. This leads to a conversation on the ethics of cloning, how to breed the perfect footballer and the curious case of Roy Keane Button.

The Open Top Bus Parade Rollercoaster

How can you have a football themed theme park without a rollercoaster in the shape of an open top bus parade? Has there ever been a double decker rollercoaster, and would anyone sit on the bottom deck apart from James Milner?

Mount Mason 

Anthony has been reading about Everest recently and just how busy it is. So he suggests building a mountain one foot higher in the shape of Mason Mount. Thus the strain of Mount Everest would be relieved and climbers the world over can get intimately acquainted with every nook and cranny of the Chelsea and England international. 

And don't forget to send us your ride ideas! We'll feature every single one. 

With love from, 

Anthony Richardson (Footballland CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) 

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Welcome one and all to Footballland! 

After a slight mix up two of the trio are in Goa, India, while our Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer Mark Davison is in Doha. So we've been left with no option but to delay the building of our theme park by yet another week. 

Instead, we have decided to come up with THREE brand new rides for the world's first football theme park, in Qatar, for the World Cup in 2022 in Qatar, in Qatar.

This week - a ride dedicated to the greatest goalkeeper you never saw, plus why is Jermaine Jenas giving our guests penis extensions? AND we pump one lucky punter full of drugs every minute! Will you be.... way too pumped?

And don't forget to send us your ride ideas. Get them here in time for us to build the park though!

With equal love and professional respect,

Anthony Richardson (CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) 

Ryan Baxter (Intern) 

And don't forget to send us your ride ideas. Get them here in time for us to build the park though!

With equal love and professional respect,

Anthony Richardson (CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) 

Ryan Baxter (Intern) 

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Hello from Saudi Arabia! 

The boys are in Saudi (although Mark is in fact in Qatar) to build the world's first football theme park in Qatar for the World Cup in Qatar in 2022 in Qatar, in Qatar! 

And what a theme park it's set to be. With over 200 rides and 17 different themed toilets there truly is something for everyone. And instead of building the thing this week, we decided to come up with three brand new rides! 

The Rebekah Vardy Escape Room 

Help! Peter Andre's penis has been lost in the North Sea! Can you help find it, then defend Rebekah Vardy against accusations of his murder? In this courtroom themed escape room, guests will relive the famous Rooney-Vardy case with an added twist! 

Groundswell

Have you ever wanted to hop around all 92 football league stadiums while sprinkling water on them to keep them hydrated? Are you an elderly person with an urn full of tea? Come to Groundswell where you're guaranteed to pass the time. 

The Hall Of Past/Future Mirrors 

In yet another exhibit where our Chief Ride Engineer 'hasn't quite yet worked out the technology', guests can see what they would have looked like as a 17 year old academy graduate AND what they will look like as a grizzled 58 year old former pro turned pundit with a driving band and a hatred of exuberant haircuts! It's the Hall of Past/Future mirrors! 

And as ever please send us your ride ideas. We'll discuss every single one! 

Anthony Richardson (Footballland CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) 

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings from Qatar!

For the first time in Footballland history, the boys are in the Middle East! Anthony is in the Holiday Inn in Doha, Ryan is in The Marriott in Doha, and Mark is in Saudi Arabia. Time is really running out to build this park - at this rate we’re looking at building one ride per day before it opens - but Mark suggests we invent THREE more attractions this week before starting construction in earnest next Monday.

Ashley Young Getting Bird Poo In His Mouth: The Ride

Remember when Ashley Young jogged along the pitch with his mouth slightly open and a bird (possibly a seagull) pooed in it? It was an iconic moment in English football and to date has never been turned into a ride at a theme park. That is about to change, with Ashley Young Getting Bird Poo In His Mouth: The Ride.

The Damp Squib Factor

Football is mostly a bit rubbish, isn’t it? Games can be hyped up beyond all recognition on Sky Sports then the game is so offensively dull the image is burned onto your plasma TV screen. Our chief ride engineer Mark insists that we make Footballland a bit rubbish somehow so that football fans get the true football experience, and none of that Disney muck.

The Watcher

At Footballland we’re keen for fans to have a good time before they even get here, so we’re rigging up 360 webcams in the park so that guests can watch from a variety of authentic footballing angles. If you like watching other people having fun, this one’s for you!

Remember, we *need* your ride ideas to fill up Footballland. Send them to us. Send them to us NOW. We’ll discuss every single one on the show.

Most Kind Regards,

Anthony Richardson (CEO of Footballland)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer)

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Finally something for the children! 

Paul Ince is in danger of being forgotten by the youth of today, so what better way to revive his playing career than by creating a giant inflatable side with the bloody headband he wore in Turin?

Plus we immortalise the 7 (SEVEN) touches Romelu Lukaku made in a Premier League game against Crystal Palace with a brand new sport involving a judo ring, a front door and a carpenter's tool bag. 

AND commentator Nigel Adderley brings you 'Hit The Stanchion.' His full email read: 'Hi all at Footballland. Here's an idea for you: Hit The Stanchion.' There has never been a brief so short in the history of Footballland but we think that Nigel will approve of the outcome. 

Please keep sending us your ride ideas. We'll feature each and every one. 

Anthony Richardson (CEO of Footballland) 

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer)

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Fair Bank Holiday my UK based earholders! (And to the rest of the world... er, hello and don't ask what a Bank Holiday is.)

We did it again, didn't we? Yep, we only went and came up with THREE sexy new attractions! We don't care how close it's getting until we're supposed to be opening the park, because we KNOW we can get it done. Plus why deny the future patrons of Footballland three new sexy attractions. Right?

A big thanks to Patreon Thomas Stirewalt, who returns to pitch. Would you like to pitch us a ride? Get involved. Message us. DO IT NOW.

Remember Old Matt, he of embarrassing goalkeepers fame, well we think he might have gotten an inner-ear infection or something because it seems his brain's gone a bit wobbly of late, well that's the most I'll say about that to avoid any kind of defamation suit. But incase you've ever wondered how you could make a rollercoaster experience appear like a conspiracy theory, we've done it, so if haven't, you don't have to.

Thomas Stirewalt is BACK!! And he brings us peak-Pep. Yes, what do you get the man who's got everything, the ability to out think and defeat himself of course. Imagine one of those snakes eating it its own tail – that's Pep. And that's also this ride ... ish.

How many shirts get written on every week in the footballing world? How many actually get to get shown? The ratio is nightmarish. It doesn't even bear thinking about. Dare you ride The House of the Unread.

Hope you all have lovely, lovely, lovely, LOVELY week. Stay safe and please send us your ride ideas. We'll feature each and every one.

Anthony Richardson (CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer)

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.