Footballland

This week on Footballland we're proposing teaching chickens to fly but in the spirit of equality bears and dogs too, and before you start moaning we're also modifying planes for bees as well, so... okay? We've also got a new security detail in the form of turn of the (20th) century comedy troupe, The Keystone Cops, only they all look like a certain Premier League manager from Germany. Not forgetting, an around the world ode to the star spangled stallion and MLS/NASL strawberry blonde hero, Alexi Lalas.

The Relegation Cockfight

Anthony brings us the best of South America, blood sports and genetically modified chickens, that can fly miniature planes... or is it modified planes and regular chickens that can't fly? Any way there's fighting, planes and chicken. It's a real cockfight!

Keystone Klopps

Mark offers up a new security team for Footballland, modelled on Jürgen Klopp's slapstick antics, the only problem being Ryan and Anthony aren't convinced that Jürgen Klopp is slapstick or that anybody knows who the Keystone Cops are. What could possibly go wrong?

Alexi LaLa's Land

Ryan has come up with an 'around the world' type ride, only it's limited to just the world of just one man, the world of MLS/NASL legend, Alexi Lalas. So don your ginger specs, fasten your star spangled seatbelts and get ready to board the Mayflower with Robbie Keane.

As ever, please send us your ride ideas! We'll discuss each and every one.So, there's your three rides this week. Now it's your turn to get involved! Send us your ride ideas and we'll feature them all!

With love from 

• Anthony Richardson - CEO
• Mark Davison - Chief Ride Engineer
• Ryan Baxter - Still intern

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This week on Footballland we're sending Cristiano Ronaldo into space and never bringing him back, we're setting up a creche overseen by Brian Kidd and 92 goats, and we're building a massive bouncy castle in the shape of St James' Park where YOU TOO can be washed by former Newcastle legends Les Ferdinand and Warren Barton! Who wouldn't want to be lathered up by a Toon great?

The Ronaldo Rocket 

Cristiano Ronaldo loves that ridiculous Siiiiiiiuuu celebration, doesn't he? But the trouble is, he always lands on the ground afterwards. A not exactly impressive loyalty to gravity by the second greatest footballer in the world. So what if we nicked Jeff Bezos's rocket, chucked Ronaldo inside it after scoring a tap in, and gave him the ultimate Siiiu celebration? 

Brian Kidd's Kids 

Ryan brings us his vision of a creche manned by 92 goats, all with slightly different accents. Each goat will be responsible for ONE child, so you can leave your little ones to enjoy the park without your youngest spoiling the day. But NEVER acknowledge Brian Kidd's success at running a successful creche, you hear us? JUST DON'T DO IT. 

Bouncy Newcastle Hypnotising Sports Wash

You know what the trouble is with taking over a Premier League football club to soften your nation's human rights image? Only fans of that club go along with the plan. There's way too much complaining from rival sets of fans. It's almost as if those fans need to be.... hypnotised?

So, there's your three rides this week. Now it's your turn to get involved! Send us your ride ideas and we'll feature them all!

With love from 

Anthony Richardson - CEO

Mark Davison - Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter - Still intern

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

The birds are singing, the bees are fornicating and Mark is back in the studio! That's right, all three Footballland executives are in the room to bring you 3 [THREE] new attractions. 

Ole's At The Wheel Viking Pleasure Boats 

Man United might have discarded Ole Gunnar Solskjaer like a lukewarm flannel on a long-haul flight but his legacy lives on at Footballland in the Ole's At The Wheel Viking Pleasure Boat Rides! In a family-friendly experience, your longship pedalo will be piloted by a bling-drunk Norwegian who has no idea what he's doing! 

The Golden Boot

Mark, who hates Harry Potter, tells us for 10 minutes why he hates Harry Potter, while at the same time trying to introduce a Harry Potter themed ride to Footballland. By the end of it, Ryan and Anthony aren't convinced he hates Harry Potter at all...

The Ji-Sung Park & Ride 

Footballland has many car parks, thanks to the generosity of our wonderful patreons. Seriously, we appreciate your sponsoring of this tedious yet necessary piece of theme park infrastructure. However, Ryan feels there's room for another car park, themed around ex Man United and South Korea international Ji Sung Park. But why is Aled Jones hanging around? And will Pepe try and defecate on the cars again?

As ever, please send us your ride ideas! We'll discuss each and every one.

With love,

Anthony, Mark and Ryan 

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Can you imagine snow falling on Graham Poll's naked back and would it be beautiful? What's the point of Space food? And if you were to cosmetically engineer two pigs to look like managerial dynasty Brian and Nigel Clough, which would find a truffle first? 

Those are the questions we're asking this week, and asking them with us is Empire Magazine's Chris Hewitt. Chris is the best-placed guest to pitch a ride at Footballland so far - after all he went to Alton Towers on his stag do. Chris pitches us The Graham Poll Exit Poll, a giant, naked Graham Poll posing flat out like a bearskin rug. To leave the park you must enter Graham through the tear ducts and find three yellow cards. 

Also on the agenda, Sniffing For Cloughles, the world's first truffle-sniffing based theme park ride. Climb on board a pig cosmetically enhanced to look remarkably like one of Nigel or Brian Clough. You have 5 minutes to find as many truffles as you can! 

And finally, Ryan brings us Danny Drinkswater. Legend has it that as a child Danny took umbrage at anyone mocking his name, and would challenge anyone who brought it up to a water drinking contest. Could you drink Drinkwater under the table? 

As ever, send us your ride ideas. We'll feature them all!

Footballland Explained:

Having accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. Anthony Richardson, Mark Davison and Ryan Baxter are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football themed theme park rides in the history of football themed theme parks.

Anthony Richardson - CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison - Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter - Intern

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's been another highly successful week at Footballland and we're delighted to announce THREE new rides! One of which came from listener and patron Nick Dunmore. Remember, you can send us any of your half-baked ride ideas and we're contractually obliged to discuss them! Sign up to the Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Here's what's on the menu at Footballland this week:

Claudio Ranieri's Operating Theatre

He's known as the tinkerman, but what if we let Claudio Ranieri tinker with human bodies instead of relegation threatened Premier League football clubs? Leicester's favourite Italian is given a full range of medical equipment and free rein on anyone who gets crocked at the park. Dilly Ding Dilly Chloroform! 

First Off, Last Off The Training Ground 

It was a pleasure to receive this ride idea from listener and patron Nick Dunmore. Nick was concerned that Footballland did not yet have a 'touch the truck' style game, and he has cleverly invented one which ties in with the ultra-professional mentality of your Cristiano Ronaldo's and your James Milner's of this world (of this world). Thanks, Nick! 

Teemu Pukki's Pies 

In a first for Footballland, we received an idea from a current Premier League footballer. Teemu Pukki of Norwich City has been fascinated with the brand Pukka Pies in fish and chip shops throughout the UK, and would like to add a finish twist to the takeaway staple. Trouble is, Finnish cuisine is the absolute worst in the world. Will Teemu's concoctions catch on?

As ever we love to hear from you. Send us your jingles, your ideas, your thought. We'll feature everything you throw at us! 

All the best,

Anthony, Mark and Ryan

Footballland Explained:

Having accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. Anthony Richardson, Mark Davison and Ryan Baxter are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football themed theme park rides in the history of football themed theme parks.

Anthony Richardson - CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison - Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter - Intern

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guess what? It's Footballlllllaaaaaaaaaand! The world's first football theme park is *really* taking shape now. Can you believe we've gone and created another three rides? Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland and if you'd like a bit of extra special treatment sign up to our Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

The Horror Tackles

Remember those little fish that bit off all your dead skin in shopping centres in the mid 2000s? Well, it's that, but it's the genetically modified penises of players that have performed career ending challenges. Sorry? What? Yeah. So, we get your Roy Keanes, your Ben Thatchers, your Martin Taylors of this world, we pay scientists to graft tiny teeth on their members, and then we let them nibble on your feet in a fishtank. Oh and hi new listeners to Footballland!

Freaky Friday Night Football

Have you ever wanted to swap bodies with a footballer? Well, we at Footballland are offering you that chance! Our scientists (who we paid to put penises on footballers' willies) will swap your brain with a footballer of your choice, so that you can walk around the park inside them while they look after your partner and children for the day. It sounds fantastic, but which footballer would you choose? 

Fake Shakes 

So many public figures' reputations were destroyed by the News Of The World's so-called Fake Sheik in the 90s/00s, and it's about time the public had a go! With Fake Shakes, you too could be secretly filmed agreeing to shady and career-threatening business deals while waiting for a cool, delicious milkshake! 

As ever, send us your ideas. We'll discuss each and every one.

Footballland Explained:

Having accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. Anthony Richardson, Mark Davison and Ryan Baxter are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football themed theme park rides in the history of football themed theme parks.

Anthony Richardson - CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison - Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter - Intern

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

After another extremely important meeting at Footballland HQ we're pleased to unveil THREE new rides. And one of those has come from our patron Phil Lee. Remember, you can send us any of your half-baked ride ideas and we're contractually obliged to discuss them! Sign up to the Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

So here are the rides in this week's lineup:

Mané Hands Make A Light Work 

Liverpool and Senegal forward Sadio Mané is desperate to record his autobiography in our special recording studio, and he REALLY needs those 300,000 words read into the mic by Christmas. But alas, there's no light! Can you and 9 friends help him? 10 punters must form a human chain from socket to lightbulb to illuminate the room, AND Sadio Mané's dreams.

A gentle reminder - please do not try this ride at home. We don't want anyone electrocuted, even if it's to help out a footballer. 

Phil Lee's Human Table Foosball

Patron Phil Lee wrote in to pitch his vision of a giant table foosball using ex professional footballers. Pick your XI from a giant vending machine then watch as they're skewered by metal rods (missing those vital organs, of course!). 

Tim Cahill: Beyond The Corner Flag 

Currently our Oceania section of Footballland is pretty miserable. So far it's just a statue of Ryan Nelsen with his bum hanging off. So what better way to spruce things up with a Mad Max-style fight to the death with every single thing that Australia loves? The Socceroos want to turn their back on their continent and play in Asia, but OceaniaTown won't let them go without a fight. 

As ever, send us your ride ideas. We'll discuss every single one. 

Footballland Explained:

Having accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. Anthony Richardson, Mark Davison and Ryan Baxter are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football themed theme park rides in the history of football themed theme parks.

Anthony Richardson - CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison - Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter - Intern

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What an incredible meeting at Footballland HQ this week. Can you believe that we came up with THREE new things...? Sensational! We are delighted to unveil: 1 ride, 1 facility and 1 naked fighting experience. But which one is which? Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Comedian and Times Columnist George Lewis joined us to pitch The Jaap Stampede, in which park guests can feel what it's like to be a streaker in front of 80,000 people, while chased down by an irate Jaap Stam and his family members, who have all been shaven to make them look like him. Will you beat 11 Jaaps and show off your goolies to the Stretford End?

Many of you have written in demanding there be a ride featuring former Arsenal and Portsmouth striker Nwankwo Kanu. Well, intern Ryan has delved deep down the back of his sofa of ideas and come up with Kanu's Rapid[s], a wet n' wild tubing ride through a scale model of Portsmouth harbour. Just like the great man's performances on the field, some experiences on Kanu's Rapid[s] might pass event free, while others might be the greatest fun you've ever had.

And finally, with FIFA's plans to stage a World Cup every 6 months, Mark has come up with a way to ensure EVERYONE gets a go at international football. Who Do You Think You Aunt? is a service which finds you a blood relative from a tiny FIFA registered micronation such as the Solomon Islands, meaning that you become eligible for a call up no matter what your ability!

And as ever send us your ideas, your jingles, your letters, we'll feature them all! Support our show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Footballland Explained:

Having accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. Anthony Richardson, Mark Davison and Ryan Baxter are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football themed theme park rides in the history of football themed theme parks.

Anthony Richardson - CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison - Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter - Intern

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In yet another top, top, top, top, top, top, top episode of Footballland we're excited to bring your THREE new rides. If you like what we do join our Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland or you can support our show athttps://supporter.acast.com/footballland

The Toure Brothers' Bus Tour

To me! To You! The Toure Brothers' Bus Tour is Footballland's newest manner of transportation, featuring the comedy slapstick duo Yaya and Kolo Toure as Paul and Barry Chuckle. 

Minamino's Mini Motors 

Liverpool midfielder Takumi Minamino runs a go-kart track with cars made of skin tight lycra. You sort of climb into the car costume head first and speed around the track like a wriggling Thomas The Tank Engine! Why's Minamino involved? Absolutely no idea. 

Dimitri Payet's Bottle Shy 

Remember that unsavoury 'crowd incident' against Nice, where Payet chucked a few bottles at some fans and they rioted? What an overreaction! We're building a whole facility at Footballland to remember the moment, encouraging you to chuck objects at 10,000 trainee police officers in the Squeaky Bum Time Arena!

And don't forget to send us your ride ideas. We feature every single one.

Footballland Explained:

Having accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. Anthony Richardson, Mark Davison and Ryan Baxter are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football themed theme park rides in the history of football themed theme parks.

Anthony Richardson - CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison - Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter - Intern

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

This week we're pleased to announce that Mark Davison returns after being out of the game for two weeks - that's a short time in Podcast terms, but a lifetime if you're a Watford manager. 

So the full complement of top, top lads are excited to bring you THREE new attractions. 

Uri Geller Will F*** Up Your Day In Footballland 

Anthony has a genius plan to avoid a massive lawsuit, what with Footballland being so dangerous. It involves the mindreading, spoonbending mystic Uri Geller and 365 helicopter pilots. Uri Geller WILL f*** up your day in Footballland, but can you receive compensation? 

Pepe's Pee Pee Take 

Ryan has rewatched the most important 75 minutes in English football history, Rio Ferdinand's World Cup Wind Ups and hatches an audacious plan to reboot it at Footballland, featuring everyone's favourite sh*thouse, Pepe. Make sure you get full insurance on those hire cars. 

Marcelo Bielsa's Bum Bucket Carousel

Mark spent his two weeks off fixated by that weird stool/bucket thing that Marcelo Bielsa sits on during Leeds United games. He plans to turn it into a ride, but are your glute-flutes up to the strain? 

And as ever we want your ideas. Send us a message and we'll feature them in an upcoming episode.

Footballland Explained:

Having accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. Anthony Richardson, Mark Davison and Ryan Baxter are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football themed theme park rides in the history of football themed theme parks.

Anthony Richardson - CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison - Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter - Intern

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.