Footballland

This week, Ryan pitches a competitive mobility vehicle facility in honour of football’s most santa-like administrator Chuck Blazer (Disclaimer: if you are planning on coming to Footballland and you need a mobility vehicle either bring your own, or start practicing herding cats by lassoing them with blazers whilst under threat from fire).

Anthony pitches a ceramics masterclass-come-fight-for-you-life hosted by Raphaël Varane and his henchman Harry Maguire. Quick word of advice: conserve your energy at the potting wheel because it’s all about escaping to the kiln before Rapha gets you.

Mark sends a post-it note in his absence, saying only: The Chicken Shawarma-morial...

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Footballland Explained:

Having accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. Anthony Richardson, Mark Davison and Ryan Baxter are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football themed theme park rides in the history of football themed theme parks.

Anthony Richardson - CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison - Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter - Intern

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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We are finally back for season 2 of Footballland! Thank you so much for your patience over the summer. You won't be disappointed by what we have in store for this series, and please send us your ride ideas - we'll include each and every one. If you like our show sign up to our Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

So, here's E01 of S02 - Anthony unveils the BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM, his tribute Goldenballs himself, in the form of a carnival strongman exhibit. Ryan fixes the global injustice: that there isn't yet a ride or attraction featuring acclaimed football broadcaster Mark Pougatch, with the MARK POO-CATCH. Finally, special guest and friend of the show, comedian Marek Larwood, answers the burning question: How much is a Premier League footballer really worth… in body parts? with his ride MAIM FOR A LAUGH.

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Sadly this is our final episode of the season! We're taking a break for the Euros and will return for an even bigger and better Footballland in July! 

You'll agree that the park is taking fantastic shape, and we're pleased to bring you THREE new rides:

Super Ney-Mario 

A live action video game featuring PSG and Brazil superstar Neymar - It's-a Super Neymario! Watch out for the toadstools shaped like James Milner! Park guests will climb inside a fibreglass Neymar and dive through a series of levels which seem to get easier as the game progresses. 

The DaMarcus Beasley Piss Take Take A Break 

Going to the toilet has never been so fun, or potentially so dangerous! Guests at Footballland's special DaMarcus Beasley urinials will be faced with a series of mini-games, all involving their own urine. Fun for all the family (optional she-wees provided free of charge). 

Roy and Ray's Trip To In-Seinity! 

Patreon Nick Dunmore gives us a psychedelic boat trip in remembrance of that time Roy Hodgson and Ray Lewington decided to go on a river tour in Paris instead of preparing for England's knock out game against Iceland at Euro 2016. 

And a special thanks to our patrons this season. We've loved your submissions and long may they continue. Keep sending your ideas to us. We'll all hit the ground running in season 2 and make this the BEST damn football themed theme park the world has ever seen. 

Much love,

Anthony, Ryan and Mark

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

It's been another hugely productive meeting at Footballland HQ. We're proud to bring you ONE new ride, PLUS a food stall PLUS a shoe shine parlour. 

Here they are in full:

Indiana Benitez & The Miracle of Istanbul 

If you're a Liverpool fan, you'll of course remember the "Miracle" of Istanbul in 2005, where under Rafa Benitez a side containing luminaries such as Steven Gerrard and Djimi Traore fought back to defeat the mighty AC Milan. If you're not a Liverpool fan, you'll no doubt have been told the above by at least 15 separate Liverpool fans. Indiana Benitez & The Miracle of Istanbul allows Footballland guests to relive this not-really-that-miraculous-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things game, but in a cave while being chased by boulders, and featuring a naked animatronic Benitez soaping his own testicles in a shower. We can't wait for you to experience it. 

Tottenham HotPotatoes

Patron Ed Singleton brings us a frankly abysmal Spurs themed Spud-u-like in which the potato is dropped on the floor before it reaches the customer's hands. It doesn't sound great, but it's better than the chef's lasagne...

Juan Sebastian Veron's Shoe Shine 

Juan Sebastian Veron's head sure is shiny, so we here at Footballland have put it to good use! Customers will have their boots polished, then can put the finished article next to Seba's head. If it's not as shiny, you'll get your money back! 

Many thanks for all your ideas so far. After next week we're taking a brief pause for the Euros, but keep sending your rides and we'll discuss them in season two. But new episodes or not, Footballland rumbles on throughout the break - we're taking to social media to decide the very best ride from season 1 in our inaugural Footballland World Cup! 

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Ever wanted to ride a Chelsea manager while slapping their silicone bottom to make them go faster? Here at Footballland we're delighted to give you that opportunity. During the Qatar 2022 World Cup you'll be able to ride not only Jose Mourinho, Claudio Ranieri and Avram Grant around the place like humanoid horses, but every Chelsea boss during the Abramovich era! Thank you to our patron Matt Whitworth for making it happen! 

PLUS we're proud to unveil two further rides this week:

Parachute Payments

Recreate the fun of Premier League relegation by leaping off a tower 100 metres in the air on to a set of gradually diminishing trampolines! Impending administration has never been so exciting!

Is This A Goal?

Mark proposes a feature of the park called 'Is this a goal?', which is very difficult to describe in fewer than 200 words. Is this a goal? Is this a goal? Is this a goal? Is this a goal? Is this a goal? Is this a goal? 

And remember, keep sending us your ideas for rides. We'll feature every single one! 

All the best, 

Anthony, Ryan and Mark x

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

It's been another successful meeting at Footballland, and we're proud to present you with THREE new rides:

Jay Jay Okocha's Phoenix Nights

Food lovers at Footballland have been thus far treated to two themed restaurants in Asscoffiation Noshball and Come Dine With Ben Mee. However, many listeners have written in to complain that a couple of eateries isn't enough for a giant theme park, and why isn't there a Medieval restaurant run by Jay Jay Okocha that pays tribute to BOTH Bolton's Premier League heroes in the mid 00's AND Peter Kay's hit sitcom Pheonix Nights? 

Yeah, that's a lot to take in. Basically it's a medieval themed restaurant that for some reason features Sam Allardyce's Bolton. 

The Paolo Di Canio Springere Ride 

Patron Rob Lindsay fondly remembers Paolo Di Canio, albeit without being so keen on the fascism thing. He asks for some sort of ride which takes into account both the good parts of the teeny-tiny-Italia-maestro and the bad. We had a good think about this one, and Rob Lindsay, we reckon you'll be very pleased. 

Chant If You Want To Go Faster 

FINALLY, a ride which changes tempo based on how loud its riders chant! We've stuck two pirate ships next to each other. You know, the ones that go back and forth. The bloke in the control booth adjusts their speed depending on the volume of their passengers. First to do a full loop wins. 

Keep sending us your ideas. We'll feature every one! 

Love, 

Anthony, Ryan and Mark

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

It's been another hugely successful meeting at Footballland, and we're pleased to announce TWO new rides PLUS the finishing touches to our mascot, Captain Footballland. 

Frank Rijkaard's Flob Shy 

Remember when Dutch superstar Frank Rijkaard spat in Perm-aned German Rudi Voller's hair during Italia 90? Have you always thought, gosh I'd love to have a go at gobbing into someone's hair myself? You've come to the right place! 

Harry Maguire's Mykonos Madness

Patron Andrew Monument (Monument!?) brings us a Greek-themed bar where Footballland guests can get drunk and fight a replica (or real?) Harry Maguire, who's been trapped in a cage and poked with a stick until he's really angry! It's your classic Brits-abroad brawl! 

Who is Captain Footballland?

Several meetings ago, Ryan introduced the theme park's mascot, Captain Footballland. But what does he look like? And why does he have Pele's penis? 

As ever, we read out all your ideas, so please get them into us pronto. 

Much love, 

Anthony, Mark and Ryan

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

It's been another hugely successful meeting at Footballland HQ, and we're pleased to announce TWO new rides, plus an update on the name of another ride. 

Playground Tactics

Remember at school in the playground, aged seven, when at lunchbreaks your whole year group chased a ball around with no positional awareness, no skill, and no clear idea of what it was you were actually doing? Mark has designed a new ride which allows adults to relive the nostalgia! Using electro-magnetic fields and/or bungee cords to make sure nobody is ever standing in exactly the right place, and a moving pitch to ensure any discernible talent is removed from the participants, you'll feel just like you're back at Woodlands' Primary getting in a feverish 15 minutes before the bell goes and it's your class's turn for lunch! 

Gary Lineker's Loop The Loop 

It's another world first at Footballland - the first rollercoaster that's also a toilet! We've all dreamed of being Gary Lineker, but with the highs come the lows, and if you walk a mile in the great striker's boots you've also got to do a poo on a field just like he did at Italia '90. Toilets at theme parks should be fun, and Gary Lineker's Poop The Loop is a thrill-a-minute bodily excavation. 

Important Clarification On The Name Of Gary Mabbutt's 'The Queen's Nose' Arcade Machine 

Patron James Worley got in touch to propose a selection of possible names for this attraction, and after much debate we have settled on our favourite. 

PLUS we welcome a new sponsor of a Footballland car park, Rob Lindsay! 

Thanks all, keep your ride ideas coming! 

Anthony, Mark and Ryan

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Welcome one and all, to another episode of Footballland! And not just any episode, but the 6 month anniversary! 

We're building the world's first football theme park, and we couldn't have done it without your help. We welcome our newest patron, Rob Lindsay, who sponsors our third Footballland Car Park. Rob gets a shout out next week, but we thought we'd say hi now anyway. 

So this week in Footballland:

Itchy Knee Shinji Go! 

Part Japanese game show, part obstacle course, part biography of Japan's best player to ever put on a Borussia Dortmund shirt: Shinji Kagawa. But why are there 100 children inside snooker balls? And what's with the pyramid of unemployed Germans?

Rory Delap's Dilapidated Lap Dance 

Have you ever been to a Stoke City themed strip club? The world's first wet and windy lapdancing venue opens its doors with robots that look exactly like Rory Delap! Can it get any sexier? Or more dangerous, as it turns out....

Patreon Submission - Phil Lee's Big Expensive Flops 

Patron Phil Lee demands that the English rides be more expensive and slightly worse than the rest of the park. We discuss the plan and come to a crucial vote. 

Keep sending us your ideas! We'll feature every single one.

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Good morrow, Footballlanders! 

It's another episode from the world's first football theme park! And what an episode it is! This week we're treated to Peter Shilton's love/hate/erotic relationship with Diego Maradona, a helter skelter in the form of a manager's nose, and something really weird featuring Sean Dyche. This week's rides IN FULL: 

•  The Hands Like God Nail Bar

 Guests at Footballland can sate all their manicure needs with a special treatment performed by an Argentinian child on cocaine THE EXACT SAME HEIGHT as Diego Maradona!

• Mick McCarthy's Helter Skelter

Patron Andrew Monument has noticed that Cardiff manager Mick McCarthy has a slightly funny shaped nose. This was apparently enough for him to suggest a slide mimicking its dimensions. The result is a triumph of fibreglass engineering. 

• Sean Dyche's Bread And Butter Defending 

Mark claims that Sean Dyche refers to 'bread and butter defending' a lot (though we can't recall a single example of this) so has coated a football pitch in butter for an experience unrivalled in any other theme park. We can't wait to get that stench of rancid butter in 45 degree Qatari heat pumping through our nostrils! 

And don't forget to send us your football theme park ride ideas! We'll feature every single one!

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.