Footballland

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"Not sure we need the pit crew anymore."

The bees are buzzing, the birds are singing, and Roy Keane is on his way to Footballland, taking charge of his very own theme park attraction, Roy Keane's 'Stick It Up Your B*llocks' Dodgems!

Jim Daly, comedian and host of FYP Podcast came up with the idea, and it's now our job to convince Keano to come out to Qatar and tell all the Footballland guests that their driving is sh*te. 

PLUS:

• Anthony announces a long-awaited ride for the children, 'Jurgen Klopp's Clip Clop Trots' 
• Supporter 'Entertainer' pitches a Newcastle United themed rollercoaster.
• But bad news, as Ryan finds a problem with Patron Matt Whitworth's Nigel De Jong's Clog Flume. 

Warning, due to the effects of Roy Keane, the final section of this episode contains some strong language. Mostly f*ck. 

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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"I'm two years old. I don't think it's very nice to see your own fans booing you. I don't think it's very nice at all."

We are delighted to unveil Meeting 13 of Footballland, featuring comedian and presenter Tom Deacon's addition to the park - The England National House of Horrors.

In this terrifying experience, guests will walk through a series of shameful rooms, depicting The Three Lions' mostly dismal displays on the international stage over the last 70 years. 

PLUS:

- Anthony pitches Alan Hansen's Lost Childhood Youth Team Tournament.

- Mark unveils Luis Suarez's Pacman Maze 

- Patron Chris Pinguin sends in a jingle 

- And an exciting marketing opportunity: Durex have got in touch and want a ride that's 'sexy but safe.'

Keep your ideas coming - we'll discuss them all in upcoming meetings.

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

"It's a sad end to an otherwise successful meeting."

It's been another huge week at Footballland Towers, as we continue to build the world's first football theme park, using the 1 billion dollars we were accidentally given by the state of Qatar. 

This week our special guest is none other than WAYNE LINEKER, brother of former England international Gary Lineker, and owner of Lineker's Bar in Ibiza (the future of which is uncertain). 

Wayne will be the first to try out the new green room! Mark has constructed a 10 foot by 10 foot fibreglass testicle, lined with plush velvet. From now onwards, guests will sit inside the testicle until they're ready to pitch their idea. We can't wait to find out what ride Wayne has dreamed up! 

Also, Anthony unveils the new flagship rollercoaster - the Goalie Coaster. The ONLY rollercoaster where failure to save enough goals gets you placed in a torture isolation tank in the gift shop! 

Plus a Patreon pitches the new fairground attraction, Lee Cattermole's Petting Zoo - guests stick their hand in a black box, and have to guess whether the trapped animal within is a cat or a mole. 

And Mark brings us his new logistical scheme - Ballboys for Cleaners. 

Keep your ideas coming - we'll discuss them all in upcoming meetings.

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

"Would Princess Diana poo?"

It's another busy and productive meeting at Footballland towers, as this week we invite football writer Nick Miller to pitch his ride.

- Intern Ryan has been out and about collecting sounds of John Carver eating for the ASMR experience at Paul Dummett's Meat And Potato Funfair.

- Mark unveils a new Footballland experience: "Be The Ref," which allows one lucky punter to become Footballland's head of security for the day.

- Anthony suggests a "Day of Silence," in which guests remain silent the entire day at Footballland to remember those in football who have sadly departed that year.

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

"Would we be able to hear Sir Geoff Hurst making love?"

It's another busy and productive meeting at Footballland towers, as this week we invite Guardian football writer Sachin Nakrani to pitch his ride.

- Ryan has feedback from Geri Halliwell on the 'Spice Boys Medley' at the Steve Kabbaret

- Mark unveils his newest ride, Be The Ball, where guests sit inside a giant football which recreates the movements of classic goals from history

- We discuss Patreon Patron Matt Whitworth's ride idea The Slizard Nemeth-sis. 

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

- Special guest Sachin Nakrani pitches his ride Crash Bang Benjamin Massing

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Greetings, Footballland fans.

Footballland the theme park is really coming together, and in meeting 9 we can exclusively reveal FOUR new attractions:

- The International Break hotel, situated inconveniently on the other side of Qatar, is the official hotel partner of Footballland. We welcome guests to stay overnight, as long as they come alone and are not carrying an injury.

- Special guest Adam Savage pitches Zinedine Zidane's Mamma Mia Mayhem, a rollercoaster allowing you to become Zinedine Zidane for 90 seconds, destroying the whole of Italy with your cultured, granite head.

- Patreon James Knowles' "Crazy Gang Experience," which randomly selects 11 guests on entry to the park to beat up random fellow punters until they are ejected from the premises.

- Christmas Fixture Congestion. Mark proposes that on one day of the year opening times at the park are resticted to just one hour, so that guests have to race between rides as quickly as possible.

But sad news from Ryan, who has chatted with the FA. They have some feedback on Footballland's restaurant, Asscoffiation Noshball.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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We have another episode of Footballland for you, which features THREE new attractions at Footballland:

- Enhancers Sports Bar. This bar is stocked with performance enhancing drugs, enabling guests to relax, socialise and beat their 100 metre sprint time on the purpose built barside running track. 

- National Anthem Autotune. Footballers rarely sing their national anthems in tune, so Mark has come up with the perfect solution. 

- Wag's Corner. We invited Joe Comedy Award winner Rosie Holt to pitch her idea, which seems to be a football male brothel. We can't wait to build it. 

But sad news, as Ryan has spotted a potential problem with Steve 'Mechanical' Bull.

And we have more ideas from Patrons and members of the public.

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Exclusive Car Park Naming Rights https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

In another successful and productive meeting, we welcome two more rides to the world's first football themed theme park!

This week Mark Davison brings us his vision of The Squeaky Bumtime Arena, Footballland's stadium, which is shaped like a bottom. Also we welcome comedians The Delightful Sausage, who bring to the park their Westworld-style experiential ride, Hasta La Vista Cantona. 

And finally, may we introduce our newest employee at Footballland, Ryan Baxter (intern). Ryan's job is to iron out any logistical problems that might arise with the new development. His first job is to agree a deal with Leicester Cathedral for the bones of King Richard III.

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

FOOTBALLLAND Ep 6 - Feat Pete Donaldson

Roll Up! Roll Up! Come join Pete Donaldson as he pitches a brand new carnival sideshow at Footballland - Paul Dummett's Meat & Potato Funfair! The fair includes Gazza's Hook a Duck, The Drink Driving Dodgems and Steve McClaren whispering accents in your ear from around the world!

This week is also our first Public Consultation Special. Due to the terms of our Patreon, we're contractually obliged to discuss ride ideas from our backers, and discuss them we do! Proposals include Cristiano Ronaldo's Hall of Mirrors and Nigel De Jong's Clog Flume.

Footballland is really starting to come on as a theme park, and we can't wait for you to get inside it.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

FOOTBALLLAND Ep 5 - Feat Eggsy From Goldie Lookin' Chain

Eggsy popped into Footballand HQ this week to pitch his Westworld-style ride idea - The School Sports Football Simulator. Relive your schooldays on Footballland's state-of-the-art muddy football pitch, complete with overbearing PE teacher and gigantic 'bigger boys,' all while the weather simulator chucks down sleeting rain and freezes your nuts off. Paying to have a terrible time? It's the British way!

Plus Anthony and Mark bring us the Steve Kabba-ret, the Premier League dinner entertainment show! It features the Dele Dancers, Ian Rush's remote controlled moustache, and Bryan Robson's Escape The Drop. Careful he doesn't get his hair in your soup!

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.