Footballland

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"Don't chat. Risk of death."

Hello Footballlanders! The world's first football theme park is ever expanding and we are thrilled to announce TWO new rides from us and ONE from our patreon patron Calum Lightfoot! If you'd like your ride discussed on Footballland, then follow these easy steps:

1. Make sure you're a patron

2. Write down your ride idea using your computer.

3. Send it to us. 

It really could not be simpler. 

So here are this week's new rides:

THE PLAYER MANAGER 

Calum Lightfoot, our aforementioned Patreon patron, used his computer to put forward a ride based on that strangest footballing position - the player manager. This rollercoaster has it all: Kenny Dalglish, Dennis Wise, moving targets, 50 League Two goalkeepers, lasers and Glenn Hoddle working as a steward. But will Calum's idea get passed our notoriously strict judges?

JOHN TERRY'S FAREWELL TOURS

Captain. Leader. Legend. Retirement party organiser. Mark enjoyed John Terry's self-planned 26th minute send off against Sunderland so much that he wants to employ JT to organise the leaving do of anyone who leaves their job while at Footballland. Quite why anyone would choose to have their work farewell party at a football theme park in Qatar is anyone's guess but Mark is convinced that the former Chelsea defender will be inundated with offers. 

ALISSON'S PECKER

Finally, a ride for children! Anthony has commandeered an area the size of a cricket pitch (NOT a squash court) and installed a giant fibreglass Alisson with a 10 foot beak. 30 punters must rn around the field avoiding getting sucked up into the gift shop. It's like Squid Game, but you get to meet Loris Karius! 

As ever, keep rating us, tell your friends and send us ride ideas. We'll feature every single one. 

Anthony, Mark and Ryan x 

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Greetings Footballland guests, patrons and earholders! 

There's a growing excitement here at Footballland HQ. The park is slowly taking shape. We haven't yet built anything as such, but if 90% of the work is in the design, then Footballland is 28% complete! 

We are thrilled to announce THREE more rides for your pleasure. 

Arsene Wenger's World Cup Mayhem 

Le Prof is a big advocate for ruining things by overdoing them - just look at his relentless lobbying for a World Cup every two years. Nobody but Wenger wants this to happen, so we at Footballland are prepared to do the world a favour. We're going to pay the ex-Arsenal boss £6 million a year to wander around Footballland making guests at the park overdo their fun instead. Yes, with Arsene's Double It, you won't be able to stop enjoying yourself, even if it physically hurts! 

Shit House 

Not content with hiring Pepe to defecate on customers' car bonnets, Ryan wants yet another display of the dark arts inside the world's first football theme park. Shit House involves one lucky punter having their home transported brick by brick to Qatar to stage a special football version of the 90s kids' TV show Fun House, presented by Carlos Valderrama and the Da Silva twins. 

See No Medieval, Hear No Medieval, Speak No Medieval 

Mark has been on Wikipedia again. This time he's disappeared down the ancient ball games rabbit hole (ooh-er) and proposes a giant brawl with a sheep's bladder one day a year at Footballland. Whoever's holding the ball last, wins! 

Have you got a ride idea? Send us it and we'll discuss it on the show!

Love, Anthony, Mark and Ryan

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Greetings Footballlanders!

Fantastic news! Over the weekend we chatted with a guy whose flatmate was from Qatar. He said that they’re counting down the days until the world’s first football theme park opens in their country, and all anyone can talk about is how many seconds they’re going to last on Steve Mechanical Bull. We’re beyond excited at bringing our vision to Doha, and all for the cut price of 1 billion dollars minus the price of a laptop and a nice pen. 

This week we’re proud to unveil THREE new rides:

The Diving Header

Ryan, our intern turned co-president of Footballland, has made a bold claim. He claims that his new ride, The Diving Header, is not only the best ride at the theme park, but it also has the best queuing system of all time. But Mark is unimpressed. Will the best ride idea ever even be voted into the park?

Eddie Howe’s Supermarket Sweep

Mark has been playing too much Fifa Ultimate Team and watching too much daytime TV. The result is a mad dash around a football supermarket picking android clones of elite footballers off the shelves. Will they be too damaged to play? Will they get horny after becoming activated? Mark answers these pressing questions and more. 

Manager Marriage Counselling 

Marriage counselling isn’t exactly the first thing couples look for when visiting a theme park, but Anthony is convinced that old-school British managers such as Neil Warnock, Sam Allardyce and Alan Curbishley would be perfect to get those unsteady unions back on track! 

Do you have a ride idea for Footballland? It could be brilliant. It could be bewildering. It could be barely related to football. Send it in and we’ll discuss it on the show! 

With love, 

Anthony, Mark and Ryan  

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Greetings Footballlanders! 

After another fruitful meeting at Footballland HQ we are pleased to announce THREE new rides. OK, so one of them is just Chris Kamara solving park problems, so let's call it TWO new rides and ONE important piece of park infrastructure! 

This week the world's 2nd greatest footballer, Cristiano Ronaldo, returns to the park (after being fired off into space) with The Ronaldon't, a ride which challenges guests to be as far removed from Cristiano as humanly possible. Which led us to ask ourselves, who is the football opposite of CR7? Royston Drenthe? Steve Claridge? Gazza? 

Plus, Frank Lampard's interview technique of laughing then turning immediately serious has been rollercoasterised with the Frank Lampard Lol-lercoaster. There's admittedly not much to this ride - it's over very quickly, but the science of getting people to laugh and then be terrified in less than a second is pored over in great detail. 

Which leads us to our third reveal of the week. It gives us great pleasure to welcome Chris Kamara as park manager, helped by his two assistants Adam Lallana and Said Benrahma on llamas up a giant set of stairs on wheels. Chris will look out for problems at footballland, which always seem to happen when he's not looking in the right place. Thankfully the Dalai Lama will be on hand to help with the things he's missed. 

Please keep sending us your ride ideas! We feature them all! 

Lots of love,

 Anthony, Mark and Ryan 

x

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Welcome earholders, and general listeners to another week of theme park planning!

 We're one step closer to building Footballland, and we thank you for your support as we near the final stages. Mark, Anthony and Ryan are delighted to bring you THREE new attractions! 

The Mikel Ar-vet-a

Yeah, you read that right - Mikel Ar-Vet-a. The world's first Mikel Arteta themed veterinary surgery. There are so many maimed animals at Footballland that it was deemed necessary.

Garden Furniture Gauntlet 

Ryan wants to recreate the magic of a stadium full of fans in South America chasing the referee with his Garden Furniture Gauntlet. What begins with the chucking of a few plastic chairs quickly escalates into a new municipal tip for Doha. 

SAS - The Wedding 

Mark proposes that we take Shearer And Sutton's strike partnership at Blackburn, set it during one of the SAS's most daring missions, and make the whole thing into a themed wedding. Are Disneyland doing weddings based on famous siege situations? No. And that's why Footballland is taking over. We know what our punters want. 

And as ever, send us your ideas for rides - we'll feature every single one. 

Love,

Anthony, Mark and Ryan x 

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Terry Venables, in a giant velcro fat suit, attached to a mile high crane, swinging through the park at midday every day singing 'We're All Going England Crazy' and taking anyone in his path with him. You in or what?

Because that's the sort of billion dollar theme park we are. A park not afraid to pay El Tel's exorbitant wages while informing everyone that the afternoon has begun. And if you don't like that idea, then we have others. Namely, Emmanuel Frimpong's Ping Pong Ding Dong, a table tennis/cage fight where there's a very real chance of death. Please, for god's sake tap out. And Shrug It Off, the world's first rollercoaster themed around outmuscling your opponent at set pieces. 

Yes folks, that's three new rides at the world's first and only football themed theme park. How many rides have we designed? Hundreds. How many rides does a theme park need? God knows. Will we stop designing rides to build the actual park? NEVER. 

We hope you enjoy the latest meeting/episode. We're sorry that Mark keeps introducing it as an improvised comedy podcast - it's embarrassing and false. This is a real theme park, with a real billion dollars, and itll be ready for you to go on in November, we absolutely promise. 

And if you have any ideas for theme park rides at Footballland, please let us know. We'll discuss your proposal on the show with a 99.99999% chance of it being voted in. 

So much love,

Anthony (CEO)

Mark (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) 

Ryan (intern)

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Some new year resolutions are bigger than others. We're not belittling your yearly vow to drink 3 pints fewer per week before inevitably giving up by early Feb, but we have a serious resolution here at Footballland - to build the world's first football theme park in Qatar for the World Cup in Qatar this year in Qatar. If we don't, not only will we have let ourselves down, we'll have let all football fans down too. Plus we'll be put in prison for embezzling 1 billion dollars. It's very much a carrot and stick affair. 

So with time against us, let's announce THREE new rides. 

RALF RANGNICK'S QUICKSAND EXPERIENCE 

To replicate the new Man United manager's impossible job, we're filling a replica Old Trafford with Quicksand and making punters solve a jigsaw puzzle before they're sucked under into the netherworld for a perfunctory chat with Ed Woodward. 

GO ON MER'SON 

We love Paul Merson, but let's face it, he's not particularly good at anything is he? So Ryan proposes to close Footballland for a day while we find the former dynamo his new calling. 

THE MAZE OF MESMERIC FEET 

Mark Davison has a phobia of feet, so he proposes a whole Maze full of leg ends. Why does he do that? Seriously, why? It doesn't make any sense. 

As always thank you so much for supporting us. Send us your ride ideas and we promise we'll build them. 

Lots of love, 

Anthony, Mark and Ryan

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Happy Nearly New Year!

It's been a hectic year at Footballland HQ. We're so close to opening the world's first football theme park in time for the world cup 2022 in 2022 in Qatar in 2022, and we couldn't have done it without your help. Your ride ideas, your jingles, your many car parks have been invaluable, so a massive thank you for your support. 

In time honoured tradition, we've cobbled together a year-end best of Footballland. Three rides that in our opinion are the absolute bees knees, and CERTAIN to bring punters through the gates. They are:

Jurgen Klopp's Clip Clop Trots

Finally, it's something for the children. Anthony was keen to bring competitive donkey racing to the under 5s market as he proudly unveiled the world's first gegenpressing mules. These donkeys have been injected with steroids to ensure top speeds of 40mph. But be warned, their bowels will be loose!

The Professor Stephen Hawking Vanishing-Spray-Cherry-On-The-Bell-End-Overlapping-Full-Backs Car Ride 

It's fair to say that Mark's design to recreate the speed of a modern day fullback evolved somewhat during the pitching process. What began as an old-fashioned dodgems ride ended with the rider naked, covered in their own sick with a glace cherry adorning the end of their penis. 

Poppy Hillstead's Teddy Sheringham Blimp

We had so many great guests this year, but what edged it for us was Poppy Hillstead's drawings of a 300 foot long inflatable Teddy Sheringham suspended above Footballland. There is so much to see and do inside Teddy. You can eat pizza in his stomach, having recovered from hypothermia in the unnecessarily cold lazy river. You can see framed pictures from wikipedia of his ex-girlfriends, and then you can 'just f*ck off out the mouth.' The result is a triumph of architecture and a sure-fire hit for football fans everywhere. 

We'll see you in 2022 as we put the finishing touches to Footballland. Thank you once again for your support and love. We're kissing you through the screen right now.

All the very best,

Anthony, Mark and Ryan

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Merry Christmas! 

While you've been working hard, a glass of merlot in one hand, a block of brie in the other, we at Footballland have been preparing for the opening of Footballland in just 336 days time. And we were delighted to have the CEO of Hashtag United Spencer Owen in the Wayne Lineker testicle. Spencer created a football team from scratch so he's no stranger to impossible dreams. And he loves theme parks, apart from that time he won a night in the Alton Towers Chocolate room and they'd run out of chocolate. 

So here are the 3 (three) new rides we've designed this week! 

Elf-Inge The City 

Ryan reads out a lovely Christmas story featuring Roy Keane and a young Norwegian lad who looks a bit like a deflated sex doll. And THAT story forms the basis of Footballland's brand new ice show at the Squeaky Bum Time Arena! Are your seats too far from the pitch? Then simply watch it in miniature on Harry Maguire's forehead! 

Get Your Kit On 

Mark is so angry with substitutes who aren't ready to come onto the field because they've not put on their shirt, that he's created a new experience in which naked members of the public are placed on a vibrating platform and given one minute to put their clothes on before being beamed live on TV across the world. 

Spencer Owen's Futuroscope 

NOT to be confused with the theme park in France with the same name, Spencer Owen proposes a VR football simulator where guests run about on a 360 degree treadmill like in Ready Player One. Will we finally get Lionel Messi playing a wet tuesday night in Stoke?

And as ever, send us your ride ideas! We feature all of 'em! 

Love you so much,

Anthony, Mark and Ryan 

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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While No. 10 have been partying, your executives at Footballland have been knuckling down to design the world's first football theme park in Qatar in time for the World Cup 2022 in Qatar in Qatar. That's right - if this were a Zoom quiz, our specialist subject would be inventing FUN. And what's more fun than a giant fibreglass Steve Bruce with a working flushable toilet? 

Here are your rides this week:

Steve Bruce: Victorian Gentleman 

We at Footballland will make sure Steve Bruce isn't out of a job for long. The wonky nosed one will join the park as head of customer service, where he'll sit inside a giant version of himself. Will he need the toilet? Yes. Will there be a toilet inside his costume? Yes. Is that toilet in the shape of a dinosaur's tail? Also yes. 

The West Ham Bubble Ride 

West Ham fans love bubbles, don't they? So let's fill giant pods with helium and let Hammers fans float around the park until they've ingested all said helium and crashed back down to earth in a glorious metaphor of their own club's fortunes! 

Sweeper Keeper

Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer Mark Davison has designed a fun game to recreate the sweeper keeperiness of our modern day shot-stoppers. It's part erasable whiteboard, part barbershop and the queue for the ride takes AGES. 

As ever, send us your ride ideas to the usual address. 

We love you. 

Anthony, Mark and Ryan

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