But Wait, Healing Don't Pay the Bills. Manifestation, healing and feeling good, vs. Realism, hard work, and long-term sacrifices.
Currently writing this as I wonder how to balance school and life. This shit is not my life, but if I don't make it a good chunk of my life, I will not succeed. Where is the balance? Can I trust myself to do what I can, listen to my body, and take my ass to sleep? Even when I'm not done studying and if I stop now, I won't be able to finish it tomorrow, because tomorrow has its own things and work to do? I don't mind working every day, but working for HOURS every day, is a stretch. On my mental and physical. It's insane that if I decide to hang and play uno with my friends, I'll be up to do my work and going to sleep at 2....no. But what'll happen when I stop trying to do it all? When I intentionally say fuck it, I've done all that I can do, and intentionally not set myself up well for quizzes, exams, etc? Every day there is something to do. Something to learn. When do I rest? When do I spend more than 2 hours with my friends? Maybe that's just a sacrifice I have to make. And I be thinking to myself, is this an Emory problem or a college problem? Lowkey, I want it to be an Emory problem so I can at least feel good about going here. If this is an everywhere problem, the value in going here feels a little less. But it sucks that things being harder means they're more worth it. But this is a tricky balance because the big dreams that you want do not always come with ease and believing fully that they do and MUST, takes you out of reality and into delusion. Yes, you create your own reality, but you are not going to get that car without coming up with a way to make the money to pay for it. If it was easy, EVERYBODY WOULD DO IT. I have never felt this to be more true. I have been JUDGING people who "choose" to have jobs. I have been JUDGING people who have "chosen" to be in debt. I have been JUDGING people who say life is hard. It is. If it was easy, who would say it's hard? Why must they be wrong? This is the issue with constantly saying "I do not want to be strong." "I don't chase, I attract." "When I spend it, it comes right back." You do not have a job. There is nothing 100% wrong with saying "be realistic" and I'm starting to see it now. Or is it my thinking making life hard? Lol.....There is nothing 100% wrong with saying those affirmation either, but when they blind you to where you no longer put in work other people have had to, make sacrifices that other people have had to for MILLENNIA, then JUDGE those people?...you indeed delude yourself. Find the balance, and put in the work. No one wants to work. God is not going to pay the bills every month. You aren't just going to do nothing and never work again. My parents worked their ASSES off to get us the house we have today. They didn't WANT to work! Who does??? How do I DO that????? I literally cannot stand the idea of doing something I do not want to do for money. BUT WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I CANT SIT HERE AND HOPE MONEY COMES OUT THE SKY THEN JUDGE PEOPLE WHO TAKE CONTROL AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT THEIR LIVES.....I will not shame myself or berate or judge myself. I have done a lot of work. But man, healing don't pay the bills...
Idk.. I believe I deserve a life of ease, but maybe it's just not right now. Why is it so hard for me to do what my parents did? Am I just entitled as hell? Well how do I get through that? How do I not invalidate my very real feelings here? My capacity? How much of this is even my fault? Maybe I won't always be able to hang out with friends, and that will just have to be my balance. But the present is all that exists, isn't it? What if I die tomorrow?
