Are you thinking of opening a restaurant? Statistically, yes, you probably are. Today, we're here to help you out with all the tips and tricks you'll need to make sure your restaurant lasts at least a year before inevitably closing down due to your lack of basic business sense.

There are people, nay, elemental forces, that pass through our lives like a comet, burning brightly for only a brief moment, then flickering away into the infinite. I should be more specific: There are four, and only four, such things, and today we'll be examining where they are now.

Those poor movie executives. How is their industry supposed to survive when movie theaters are dying? I mean, there are almost no reported facts about the revenue of specific movies on streaming services, so I think we can safely assume that they make $0. This is a disaster! Won't someone PLEASE think of these untalented, meddling art-destroyers? If no one else will, we here at FLAP will take up the cause.

Happy August 1st, everyone! It's New Month's Day, so we're cashing in on all the people making their new month's resolutions to get in shape. Contained within this episode are absolutely ironclad, bulletproof instructions for how to get your shabby ass into American Ninja Warrior shape. Or, failing that, Portuguese Ninja Warrior shape.

It was too huge, too gargantuan, too blimp-ic in proportion to fit into one episode, so here is part 2 of whatever the D&D-ish stuff we were doing last time was.

We all know everything there is to know about recorded music, obviously. No one needs to hear about that. But did you know that music can also be enjoyed live? I did not. This was all new to me.

It's time once again to invest in silly pitches. The warranty on my Ronco Pitchomatic is voided if I don't use it at least once a year, so I had to do it. It's now oiled up, disassembled, and safely back in its case, so you probably won't have to deal with this for another year.

It's time once again that we spend an episode delivering advice to our listeners. We've done this once before, and we did it so well that it tided us over for nearly 200 episodes. Now THAT'S some goddamned advice right there. Do we knock it out of the park again? Wait to see if it takes us 200 more episodes to do this again to find out.

This week we're playing a game of M&M, also known as Mammoths & Mausoleums. It may RESEMBLE a game known as D&D, but any resemblance is purely coincidental.

Give money to me, and you'll be saving the children. Or hurting the children. Whatever you want to happen to children, that's what'll happen, just give me the money, please.