Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

What do you do if a friend tells you something deeply personal? Maybe they're getting divorced, or they’re pregnant but haven’t publicly announced it.

This week, I'm sharing a friendship boundary that Michael and I have held for years, including the kinds of things we don't share with each other, why some of our friends are shocked to learn we've kept their secrets for months (or years), and the role trust plays in building strong friendships, communities, and marriages.

I know this is a hot take. But I think there's a difference between hiding something from your partner and holding something for your friend.

This episode is sponsored by Slowly, a digital penpal app used by over 10 million people worldwide! If you’ve been looking for a low-pressure way to connect with someone completely outside your normal friendship circle, this is it. Exchange letters at your own pace, no small talk panic required. Download Slowly free and get 30% off Slowly Plus using my link: https://open.slowly.app/miXL/l8ei5iw6.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The 3 categories of information I refuse to share, even when friends never ask to keep it private
• Why carrying a friend's secret can sometimes be emotionally heavy, and why it's still worth it
• The surprising way trust spreads through friend groups when people realize you're someone who can keep a secret
• Why "my spouse knows everything" can unintentionally come at the expense of trust in your friendships
• The friendship philosophy that helps build strong individual relationships and a stronger marriage

Episode 2: How To Balance Friendship & Marriage Without Losing Yourself

Episode 12: Digging Into The 3 Kinds of Friendship Roots

Episode 100: How To Use the Wheel of Connection to Strengthen Your Support System

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Friendship apps have a reputation for being awkward. They're "not how real friendships happen.” But what if that's not true?

When Hayleigh Hayhurst moved to Seattle knowing almost no one, she found herself craving deeper connection and a stronger support system. Instead of waiting for friendships to happen organically, she decided to try Bumble BFF — and ended up meeting some of her closest friends!

Hayleigh talks about what it's like to go on friend dates, why friendship rejection can feel more personal than romantic rejection, and how to move conversations off the apps into real life.

If you’ve considered downloading a friendship app or simply want more meaningful friendships in your life, this episode is for you.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Why adult friendships work better when you get to an in-person meetup as quickly as possible
• The surprisingly specific filters Hayleigh used when looking for friends, including relationship status and lifestyle
• How searching for a “neighborhood friend” changed Hayleigh's experience of living in a city far from family
• Why borrowing a partner's social circle isn't the same as building your own support system
• Why Hayleigh was more nervous to go on a friend date than a romantic date, and what convinced her to try anyway

Episode 52: How To Build Community When You Don’t Know Where to Start

Episode 162: Why Getting to Know Your Neighbors Matters Right Now

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Why does one friendship feel effortless while another feels tense, draining, or rigid?

In this episode, I’m diving into a concept I think about constantly: friendship culture. The unspoken norms, expectations, habits, and “rules” that shape how our relationships function.

From how you split the dinner bill to who initiates plans, what topics feel safe to discuss, or whether partners are included in hangouts — every friendship develops its own culture over time. And most of the time, nobody consciously decides on any of it.

I’m sharing my hot takes on how friendship cultures form, why they can start to feel restrictive or misaligned as we grow, and how to shift the dynamic without immediately blowing up the relationship.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• How life transitions like parenting, finances, health, or relationships naturally shift friendship dynamics
• Why the same person can show up completely differently across different friendships and friend groups
• Questions to ask yourself to identify which friendship cultures actually feel good, supportive, and natural to you
• How small “nudges” can slowly reshape friendship culture without forcing a dramatic confrontation

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Divorce is one of those life moments where everyone has an opinion, a reaction, or a face they make when they’re told – which is, much of the time, not very helpful. 

… So what IS helpful? That’s what today’s guest, Oona Metz, is here to talk about. 

Oona is a licensed independent clinical social worker, a certified group psychotherapist with 30 years of experience supporting women through some of life's hardest transitions, and the author of Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women.

In this conversation, we cover it all: the grief, shame, and stigma of divorce; of building a divorce support team; the downsides of trying to be everything for your friend; how the words you choose in that first conversation matter more than you think; and most of all, what it really means to be the kind of friend who shows up for the hard stuff.

This episode is sponsored by Slowly, a digital pen pal app used by over 10 million people worldwide. If you’ve been looking for a low-pressure way to connect with someone completely outside your normal friendship circle, this is it. Exchange letters at your own pace, no small talk panic required. Download Slowly free and get 30% off Slowly Plus using my link: https://open.slowly.app/miXL/l8ei5iw6.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Oona’s own stories about what she experienced going through divorce and the diverse responses people offered, from condolences to congratulations
• All the nuanced feelings of divorce – including heartbreak, stress, relief – and how to ask friends how they’re feeling without making assumptions about their experiences
• Five phases of divorce, including heartbreak, roller coaster, mending, letting go, and moving on
• The Ring Theory, creating a divorce support team, and different approaches to supporting friends through divorce

Resources & Links

Check out Oona’s book, Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women and learn more about the Ring Theory. 

And preorder my book! Are We Friends Yet? comes out June 16. The missing vocabulary for every relationship in your life and a real plan for what to do with it. When you sign up to order the book, you get immediate access to the Less Lonely Club Community and the 10-Day Connection Reset Private Podcast.

Listen to Episode Episode 100 about the Wheel of Connection. 

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Have you ever tried to make a new friend and felt like you were stalling out between the “acquaintance” and “friend” stages? 

Maybe this person was on the edge of your life for months, and yet, nothing ever changed: you saw each other in the same places, you kept having the same conversations. How do you get to that point where they feel like a friend?

Some people assume if a friendship isn’t progressing, it’s not meant to be. But I’d argue part of the reason is there’s not enough nuance (or language!) for those in-between stages. We’re not taught what friendship actually requires to move forward. 

Today’s episode is a roadmap for grown-ups to help work through the messy middle of making friends. I hope it helps you appreciate ALL the steps that draw us closer together.

This episode is sponsored by Slowly, a digital pen pal app used by over 10 million people worldwide. If you’ve been looking for a low-pressure way to connect with someone completely outside your normal friendship circle, this is it. Exchange letters at your own pace, no small talk panic required. Download Slowly free and get 30% off Slowly Plus using my link: https://open.slowly.app/miXL/l8ei5iw6.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The myriad of different kinds of friends in my Wheel of Connection, including familiar friends – people you see around haven’t forged close connections with
• Different ways to build roots, from inviting somebody to a new activity or remembering a small detail about them
• Challenges adults face in making new friends, including societal norms, competing responsibilities, and the tendency to put our best foot forward with new company
• Common obstacles to progressing friendships, including over-promising and skipping steps

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 12 about my Roots framework and Episode 100 about the Wheel of Connection.

And preorder my book! Are We Friends Yet? comes out June 16. The missing vocabulary for every relationship in your life and a real plan for what to do with it. When you sign up to order the book, you get immediate access to the Less Lonely Club Community and the 10-Day Connection Reset Private Podcast.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Here you are, leaving that friendship hangout frustrated again. 

You swear you’ll tackle the issue at the next meet-up, but then, time goes by. You’ve pushed the problem aside. Until it happens again. And again. Suddenly, this little issue has become a major one.

Today’s guest is Colette Jane Fehr, a therapist, TEDX speaker, and author of the Amazon bestselling book, The Cost of Quiet. Her work is rooted in couples therapy, but don’t press pause! Every single skill she teaches transfers directly to friendships.

If you have ever swallowed something hard and pushed it down because you didn’t know how to bring it up, this episode is for you. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Conflict avoidance: the tendency to not be too intense or demanding with friends – and consequently push issues under the rug
• What Colette calls the “victim volcano,” when untended issues stack up and eventually erupt
• Colette’s and my own personal experiences navigating issues between friends that need to be addressed
• Self-connected communication, which helps us prepare before sharing our grievances with friends, and “Good Girl-Itis”

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots framework.

Order Colette’s book, The Cost of Quiet: How to Have Hard Conversations That Create Secure, Lasting Love. 

And preorder my book! Are We Friends Yet? comes out June 16. The missing vocabulary for every relationship in your life and a real plan for what to do with it. When you sign up to order the book, you get immediate access to the Less Lonely Club Community and the 10-Day Connection Reset Private Podcast.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Bad vibes. Frenemy. Fake friend. Toxic friendship.

We have an entire vocabulary for when friendships aren’t working, but I think certain words and phrases often oversimplify friendship issues – and ultimately end up costing us something very real.

In this episode, I talk in particular about the word toxic: its history, how it’s morphed in modern friendship culture, and questions to ask yourself to identify issues in friendships instead of just labeling somebody toxic. 

Let me be clear: this episode is not about tolerating bad behavior. This is about what happens when we reach for a label instead of doing the harder work of figuring out what the problem is and what we actually need.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Why I think the word toxic has become overused and oversimplifies the complexities of issues between friendships
• Looking at some history to the word “toxic,” which has clinical origins but has been diluted via social media
• How the word “toxic” seems to imply a person is incapable of change – plus, my own personal qualms with labels in general
• The value in focusing on behaviors instead of labeling people, and three questions I recommend asking before writing off “toxic” people

Resources & Links

Preorder my book! Are We Friends Yet? comes out June 16.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

To me, writing a friendship manual for neurodivergent people seems kind of mind-bending. How do you encapsulate the beauty and diversity of ALL our brains in one book? 

And yet, today’s guest, Caroline Maguire, has done just that. Caroline is an expert in social-emotional learning and ADHD coaching, the author of Friendship Skills for Neurodivergent Adults (which I HIGHLY recommend!); and host of the ADHD Social Playbook Podcast.

For my neurodivergent listeners: I hope this episode reframes how you approach friendships. And for my neurotypical friends: it never hurts to understand what your friends might be experiencing.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Caroline’s childhood experiences of being bullied and left out and how this impacted her perspective on friendship as a kid
• The life-changing impact of learning to see friendship as a skill that can be developed at any age via self-awareness and practice
• Self-advocacy and asking for what you need in friendships (and how friends can adapt to neurodivergent communication styles and sensory needs)
• Masking – suppressing or camouflaging neurodivergent traits to fit in – and the importance of not losing your own authenticity among friends

Resources & Links

Check out Caroline’s books, Why Will No One Play With Me? and Friendship Skills for Neurodivergent Adults 

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Does talking about one person to another make you a bad friend?

For quite some time, I’ve been considering the role of gossip in friendship. I’ve reflected on my own patterns and beliefs, and I’ve thought hard about where I’ve pushed the boundaries. 

My goal in this episode is to get to the root of gossip and the role it plays in relationships. I dive into some research about the history of gossip and include some guidelines I use in my personal life.

I don't think you need to feel guilty every time you talk about someone; guilt just makes us second-guess very normal, necessary human conversations. But I do think we can get a little more intentional about how we use gossip so that it serves rather than harms our connections.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The history of the word “gossip” – what it used to mean, who it referred to, and when it became associated with women’s social circles
• The rebranding of gossip as derogatory, and modern social scientists’ more neutral definition of gossip
• Different ways gossip can be useful, including processing confusing or painful situations and reality checking
• My own personal questions and guidelines for deciding whether it’s OK to talk about a friend to another friend, including the outcome test and the audience test

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 99 about individualism in friendship with James Richardson.

Robin Dunbar’s social grooming research can be found in his book Grooming, Gossip, and the Evolution of Language

You can find more about Norm talk in this article from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology: Norm talk and human cooperation: Can we talk ourselves into cooperation? 

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

For years, Erin Snow was a trauma-informed legal advocate for domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking survivors, so she understands well the cost of having nowhere safe to say what’s true. 

When she got divorced, she felt isolated and without a support system, even among people she thought were friends. She’d been so busy being everyone else’s “person” that she never let anyone be hers. 

So, she created the kind of space she was seeking. She founded the Unmuted Room, a judgement-free confidential listening space built on the premise that being heard is not a luxury but a necessity.

In our conversation, Erin describes the slow, quiet realization that the friendships she’d been showing up for weren’t actually showing up for her – which I think is a common experience that’s going to make so many listeners feel seen. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The challenge of feeling like you don’t fit in a friend group and the pressure to conform to their value and interests 
• Erin’s slow realization that her role as the listener among friends was being unreciprocated in the midst of a divorce, eventually leading her to feel ostracized
• The importance in finding new supportive relationships and the role of networking groups that helped Erin rebuild
• The Unmuted Room and the types of people who seek Erin’s services, including people who are in life transitions, caring for aging parents, experiencing fertility issues, etc. 

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots framework; Episode 85 about shifting people-pleasing friendship patterns; Episode 86 about embodying main character energy in your friendships; and Episode 90, aimed at helping men strengthen their social circles.

Check out the Unmuted Room and try out a free 10-minute consultation with Erin.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.