From Surviving to Thriving: A No Tools, No Techniques Shift from Stress and Overwhelm to Fulfilment

"How do you know who you are?", is a really interesting question to think about. It's a consideration of what we think defines us. Perhaps we might think it is our behaviour, thoughts or feelings. The meaning we make of this can create so much suffering and who we really are gets so easily missed. Because the entity being defined is made of the same thinking as the one doing the defining. So then we notice certain things about ourselves and we believe that tells us who we are. It can seem like feeling an anxious feeling means we are anxious, behaving badly means we are bad or thinking a negative thought means we are negative. Then we are missing so much because our beliefs narrow down what we can see. We miss the times we are calm, 'good' or thinking positively.

So the truth is that what we experience is never a problem; it's only problem if we think that defines who we are and when we realise this, we can enjoy more of our experiences and don't have to think they mean something about us. 

"Is this true?" is such a powerful question. When you are caught up and feeling stressed can you become aware of your thoughts. You don't need to judge them as right or wrong - that's not helpful. But noticing is different, awareness is powerful and consciousness helps. Because is what you are thinking really true? On a fundamental level is it a fact? When you consider human life, how much is actually true? Maybe there are some scientific facts like gravity but the rest of it. Who knows? 

When you start to consider this, the noise in your head starts to look less potent. You can hold it a little lighter. In this exploration one truth is vital to know and that is that you are feeling your thinking. Off feeling always comes from off thinking and alongside the questioning of truth, that can start an unlearning process which is utterly transformational. Perhaps you would like to unlearn the noise in your head.

How do we measure how we are feeling? Maybe in comparison to a previous state, by looking at other people or through an ideal that we have created for ourselves. I was considering this yesterday with a client. He believed he wasn't where he should be in terms of his reaction to something which was happening in his life and the question occurred to me, 'How do you know?'. I wanted him to explore how he knew he wasn't doing okay. I wondered, 'Does this internal measurement system really work?' How accurately can we actually measure how we are doing, feeling and being? I suspect not very because it is the same conditioned thinking doing the measuring as being measured. It's the same set of beliefs and you might have noticed that a ruler cannot measure itself. 

How we are feeling right now is being seen through different eyes to the ones who saw how we were feeling yesterday. All these is here is something to notice and hold more lightly. If you are not feeling okay right now, perhaps you are not the most accurate judge of that. Perhaps you would like to stop continually noticing how bad you are feeling! It's possible for everyone - drop me a message if you would like to find out how.

Have you ever tried to love yourself? It seems to be well thought of advice. In fact I nearly branded myself as a Self-Love Coach a few years ago. At that time, it seemed that it was a valid part of self-development but I think very differently now. When I consider, 'You just need to learn to love yourself' I see something new. I wonder who is the 'you' who is going to love 'yourself'. Are they not one and the same? The same collection of thoughts because that is what the self is after all. The person we think we are and the person we think we need to love are both created from the same conditioned thinking. They are not real or solid. But underneath that is something special. Underneath our thoughts, feelings and behaviours, that's all there is love and when we start to see this, we experience that more of the time. We don't need to add more thinking but seeing through it is transformational. If you would like to experience more of who you really are - love, peace, wisdom, confidence and resilience please email [email protected] 

Do you think humans can be psychologically broken? If you do, you are not alone because this is a psychological belief which is widely held. The idea that we are missing pieces; stolen away by our previous experience of life. Things like confidence, resilience and calm. But how about a psychological renaissance? A new way of seeing ourselves: the human race not based on lack. Here it is ...

We are born whole, well and indestructible like a DIAMOND. Granted we then learn some things about ourselves and the world some helpful and some not. These thoughts are like horse poop covering the diamond stopping us from seeing the potential which is inside. But that's just noisy thought, nothing permanent. The diamond you are is still there holding your innate wellbeing. When you begin to see the nature of this, those unhelpful thoughts in your head just start to make less and less sense. And then you can reconnect to who you really are. Imagine that.

Have you noticed that other people don't respond the way you think they will? Twice in the last few days I have communicated something which has been seen differently to how I intended it. This has so much information in it because it points to what is true about human beings. They are all unique, different and have their own perspective. It's not that one is right and one is wrong. They really are just different. This means that we can do something well meaning or send a message with good intention and it can be completely misunderstood. The thing is, there is not much we can do about that but knowing that it is just part of the way humans work can be helpful. 

When someone responds in an unexpected way, the feelings we feel come from our expectations not from the other person.  The feelings we feel come from them not behaving as we thought they would and when we see that, there can be more compassion, more calm and more clarity as to what to do next. Which will probably be something other than trying to persuade the other person what your intentions were. Imagine if you could see this in all your relationships?

Do you appreciate a good cry? A swell of emotion which rises up and bubbles over which can come from happy thoughts or sad ones. Sometimes I experience it when there is a deep connection with a client and I have even cried during lives on social media. I used to care about what other people thought about it but these days I literally don't give two hoots. I wonder if you have noticed how you feel after you have cried. I saw a post recently where many people expressed that they felt better after they had cried. Here's my theory on why. Once we are crying, we focus just a little less on the contents of our minds. There's wiping tears, blowing our nose (why do those things have to happen together) and doing whatever else makes sense. Just for a while there is less focus on our thoughts. So then they do what thoughts are naturally supposed to do and pass! Then there is space for new thinking, wisdom and a little more calm because that's what allowing our thoughts to pass brings about. That's actually available more of the time once you understand how this system works, not just when you are crying.

How good do you think you are at reading people? I remember being taught once that reading people was part of the job of a coach. Checking eye movements, facial expressions and body language. But then I began to wonder about when we learn to read people and I thought about my primary teaching days. Characters in children's reading scheme books would have very distinct expressions and in the text we would be told what that expressions meant. We also used to help children to learn about emotions by looking at simple emoji faces and matching them to an emotion. Maybe that's where the idea that we can know how other people are feelings starts but I wonder how helpful it is to us now. Can we really know what someone else is feeling  and therefore thinking or does that fill our heads with unnecessary noise? 

When we make up the thoughts and feelings of another person, that is a reflection of our perception and thought not theirs. We can only perceive through the lenses of our own thinking and when we realise this, it stops making so much sense to make up the psychological contents of other people. And that's then something else you don't have on your mind. What a relief!

How much do you use the word 'should'? This should be like that, I should be better or this shouldn't be happening. Have you noticed how it feels? Pretty off I think. It feels off because should is an alarm call letting you know that your thinking is off. Because off thinking creates an off feelings. What you are feeling is your resistance to what is. You are not feeling the thing itself. There is a subtle difference.

That's why we don't all have the same 'shoulds'. There is something powerful and transformational about bringing some awareness to this. Just noticing though; nothing else. I would love to know what you notice when you get curious about your use of the word 'should'.

Are you using the same old moves when life gets tricky? Perhaps this is something you have noticed or maybe not because we humans are pretty habitual creatures. We have things we turn to in our hour of need. It might be a drink to relieve stress or even a bar of chocolate, loosing your temper and scolding a loved one or even meditating and trying to control your state of mind. You might categorise some of the above differently. The first two unhealthy, the third one healthy but they all come from the same misunderstanding. The mistaken idea about where our feelings are coming from known as the outside-in misunderstanding. 

But what if there was the possibility of some new moves which come from the truth! The truth that our feelings come from one place; thought in the moment. Once this becomes clear, we can access infinite wisdom and gain amazing clarity. Imagine that! What could you achieve with a few new moves?