Can life work within more than one paradigm? In other words, can there be more than one model of how something works that is true? The set of psychological principles I share is often called the Inside Out paradigm. It says that our experience is created from the inside out. That when we feel something, the feeling is coming from how we think about something not from the thing itself. This applies to people, circumstances, behaviour and even how we experience ourselves. When I work with clients, they see it quickly in some areas of life. They might notice that they feel less upset about their boss, less stressed about the things happening in their lives or they notice they respond more than react. But then they get stuck. There is something in life which appears to work outside in. It might be money, their partner or just about anything. 

But the thing with a paradigm is that it works all the time. Like gravity! Working all the time, all day, every day! If you forget about gravity, you might throw stone in the air and get a sharp pain on the top of your head and If you try to live your life across 2 paradigms, confusion ensues. Your experience of life is created one way, 100% of the time and when you realise this, unpleasant feelings bring about curiosity rather than a need to fix the outside world or yourself. Much simpler than the alternative.

Have you ever contemplated how much you have learned in life? When I think about that, it feels like thinking about the size of the universe; impossible to conceive of the size of it. You definitely learnt some things which have served you well through life. Some practical things like gravity always makes things fall, things to keep you safe like fire burns and useful things like how to walk and talk. 

But what about the less useful things you learnt?  Have you considered them much? Like the time you learnt you were stupid because someone was angry with you, that money causes problems because you overheard an argument and that you are unlovable because of how someone treated you. Right from the moment of our birth, we are learning these things about ourselves and every thought which passes through your head is a consequence of that learning. It might seem like a lot of work to change all that but I see it more as quality control. Those awful thoughts you have about yourself have literally nothing to do with you because they were unknowingly learnt from the conditioned thinking of the people around you. 

As we start to see the quality of what passes thought our heads, we can gently start to take it less seriously and we just become more discerning and the unlearning happens naturally. The result of this is self-acceptance, calm, confidence and clarity.

How much time do you spend thinking about your thinking was a question I asked recently on social media. The result showed that 67% of respondents spend more than 50% of their time think about their thinking. I can so relate to this because I spent a lot of time doing this. It seems that it is encouraged by self-development, therapy and even by coaches. Perhaps the idea is that once we have thought long and hard about our thinking that we will then be able to change it. But have you noticed how flipping hard that it? It might seem like you have cracked it for a while but then those same old thoughts come in again. Because while ever you are focusing on a particular type of thinking you would like to see less of, you are more likely to notice that thinking. Because thoughts are actually neutral until we give them meaning. 

When we start to see our psychological system in this way, we can be kinder to ourselves, let thoughts go more easily, not judge ourselves so much and spend less time trying to change our thoughts. From that place there is more confidence, clarity and calm. Imagine that?

Are you perfect? I know I am not! I make mistakes and mess up because I am human. My mistakes might look different to yours and my judgement might make yours look worse than mine in my head. But sometimes my judgement makes my mistakes looks worse than yours. Either way in our heads is the only place they are worse. In reality they are all the same because they are all human. Human beings doing the best they can in the moment based on the thinking which looks real to them. It's easy to judge when we see behaviour we don't like and it's harder to look at it with compassion. But guess which feels calmer. And from that calm place you are more likely to do something to improve things. Turns out we don't need to get angry to make a change. Perhaps you would like to experience more compassion and therefore feel calmer.

"How do you know who you are?", is a really interesting question to think about. It's a consideration of what we think defines us. Perhaps we might think it is our behaviour, thoughts or feelings. The meaning we make of this can create so much suffering and who we really are gets so easily missed. Because the entity being defined is made of the same thinking as the one doing the defining. So then we notice certain things about ourselves and we believe that tells us who we are. It can seem like feeling an anxious feeling means we are anxious, behaving badly means we are bad or thinking a negative thought means we are negative. Then we are missing so much because our beliefs narrow down what we can see. We miss the times we are calm, 'good' or thinking positively.

So the truth is that what we experience is never a problem; it's only problem if we think that defines who we are and when we realise this, we can enjoy more of our experiences and don't have to think they mean something about us. 

"Is this true?" is such a powerful question. When you are caught up and feeling stressed can you become aware of your thoughts. You don't need to judge them as right or wrong - that's not helpful. But noticing is different, awareness is powerful and consciousness helps. Because is what you are thinking really true? On a fundamental level is it a fact? When you consider human life, how much is actually true? Maybe there are some scientific facts like gravity but the rest of it. Who knows? 

When you start to consider this, the noise in your head starts to look less potent. You can hold it a little lighter. In this exploration one truth is vital to know and that is that you are feeling your thinking. Off feeling always comes from off thinking and alongside the questioning of truth, that can start an unlearning process which is utterly transformational. Perhaps you would like to unlearn the noise in your head.

How do we measure how we are feeling? Maybe in comparison to a previous state, by looking at other people or through an ideal that we have created for ourselves. I was considering this yesterday with a client. He believed he wasn't where he should be in terms of his reaction to something which was happening in his life and the question occurred to me, 'How do you know?'. I wanted him to explore how he knew he wasn't doing okay. I wondered, 'Does this internal measurement system really work?' How accurately can we actually measure how we are doing, feeling and being? I suspect not very because it is the same conditioned thinking doing the measuring as being measured. It's the same set of beliefs and you might have noticed that a ruler cannot measure itself. 

How we are feeling right now is being seen through different eyes to the ones who saw how we were feeling yesterday. All these is here is something to notice and hold more lightly. If you are not feeling okay right now, perhaps you are not the most accurate judge of that. Perhaps you would like to stop continually noticing how bad you are feeling! It's possible for everyone - drop me a message if you would like to find out how.

Have you ever tried to love yourself? It seems to be well thought of advice. In fact I nearly branded myself as a Self-Love Coach a few years ago. At that time, it seemed that it was a valid part of self-development but I think very differently now. When I consider, 'You just need to learn to love yourself' I see something new. I wonder who is the 'you' who is going to love 'yourself'. Are they not one and the same? The same collection of thoughts because that is what the self is after all. The person we think we are and the person we think we need to love are both created from the same conditioned thinking. They are not real or solid. But underneath that is something special. Underneath our thoughts, feelings and behaviours, that's all there is love and when we start to see this, we experience that more of the time. We don't need to add more thinking but seeing through it is transformational. If you would like to experience more of who you really are - love, peace, wisdom, confidence and resilience please email [email protected] 

Do you think humans can be psychologically broken? If you do, you are not alone because this is a psychological belief which is widely held. The idea that we are missing pieces; stolen away by our previous experience of life. Things like confidence, resilience and calm. But how about a psychological renaissance? A new way of seeing ourselves: the human race not based on lack. Here it is ...

We are born whole, well and indestructible like a DIAMOND. Granted we then learn some things about ourselves and the world some helpful and some not. These thoughts are like horse poop covering the diamond stopping us from seeing the potential which is inside. But that's just noisy thought, nothing permanent. The diamond you are is still there holding your innate wellbeing. When you begin to see the nature of this, those unhelpful thoughts in your head just start to make less and less sense. And then you can reconnect to who you really are. Imagine that.

Have you noticed that other people don't respond the way you think they will? Twice in the last few days I have communicated something which has been seen differently to how I intended it. This has so much information in it because it points to what is true about human beings. They are all unique, different and have their own perspective. It's not that one is right and one is wrong. They really are just different. This means that we can do something well meaning or send a message with good intention and it can be completely misunderstood. The thing is, there is not much we can do about that but knowing that it is just part of the way humans work can be helpful. 

When someone responds in an unexpected way, the feelings we feel come from our expectations not from the other person.  The feelings we feel come from them not behaving as we thought they would and when we see that, there can be more compassion, more calm and more clarity as to what to do next. Which will probably be something other than trying to persuade the other person what your intentions were. Imagine if you could see this in all your relationships?