From Surviving to Thriving: A No Tools, No Techniques Shift from Stress and Overwhelm to Fulfilment

Are you working with an understanding of the rules of human experience because life is so much easier when you do? Let's take gravity as an example. Imagine you didn’t understand how it worked. You would spend time trying to find new ways to keep on top of all the cleaning up of broken things. You might pad out your home so things were less likely to break. You also might have a system to quickly replace things and lots of ways to make the money to pay for them. Imagine how busy you would be; not just physically but also in your head.

Now imagine that I came along and explained gravity as an invisible force which always makes things fall down. At first you have to concentrate on putting things down safely but over time you would develop a deep embodied understanding of gravity. In other words it would become natural for you to put things down carefully without thinking. This would be a gradual process with phases when you would remember and other times when you would forget. But overall you would gradually have a nicer, more simple experience of life. Human suffering is created 100% by a misunderstanding of where our feelings are coming from i.e. the rules of life. With these rules under your belt you can have a much nicer experience of life and stop all those tools and techniques to maintain your wellbeing.

"When do we start learning all this self-development stuff?", was a brilliant question I was asked by a client recently. As adults, I think we usually come across self-development by accident. Perhaps because we are struggling, starting a business or by stumbling across, 'The Secret'. But I think it starts way before that. When we are very small, we start to learn that thoughts, emotions and behaviour are ours to control. Well meaning adults may say things like stop crying, don't be angry, why can't you stop doing that and sit over there and think about what you have done. As an ex headteacher and parent I stand accused and plead guilty! But I know that you and I and all the other adults were always doing the best they could with the thinking which looked real to them in the moment.

But perhaps that is when we learn that it is up to us and as we get older we learn that there are many different ways to think better, feel better and do better. So the self-development rabbit hole searching begins. But the whole thing is based on a lie. The self we are trying to develop is a collection of thoughts, beliefs and old nonsense we have picked up and the one doing the developing of that self is made of the same stuff. That's why it is never ending and self-perpetuating. But, seeing through the façade of the self is different because when you see through it, it naturally falls away. And that is where freedom lies.

What seems really important to you right now? Perhaps things turning out a certain way, maybe someone behaving differently or wanting to feel a different way. I was considering what happens when we give something importance. I think we give it an extra dose of energy and awareness and  elevate that thing above the rest of life. Like overfilling a balloon full with air, it gets bigger and bigger until it is fit to burst. And just like the overfilled balloon, there is tension ... so much tension! We grasp on to the thing and it seems like we cannot be okay if it is not so. But perhaps the things we want would be better held more lightly because that over filled balloon is really filled with thought and those thoughts are taking us away from inner guidance. And maybe, just maybe you can be okay even if those things are not the way you would like them to be. That experience is available to all of us.

Do you believe what you think about yourself? You know! That little voice inside your head which says all sorts of unhelpful things! Things like you can't do that, you are going to look stupid or people are watching and judging. But have you noticed how often that voice is wrong. You do the thing it said you couldn't over and over again! That's because that voice knows absolutely nothing about you! That voice is made of other people's opinions of you and your innocent misunderstandings about the world. It started being formed when you were very small. Then it stuck around. Then it became a self-fulfilling prophecy but none of it is true! And time and time again it is proved wrong. And as you start to see through it, those occasions happen more and more often! Imagine what you could do if you no longer believed the voice in your head. 

Will you be seeking fulfilment in 2022? In other words, will you be seeking 'the achievement of something desired, promised, or predicted'? It seems we all are in some way, shape or form. Perhaps it is human to do so. But when I reflect on the words in that definition, it is easy to see the rabbit holes down which seeking fulfilment could take us. Desires can be fun if held lightly but if it looks like our happiness depends on them being fulfilled, that can lead us down an uncomfortable path. Promises are very similar but seem to have more weight to them. If we promise something to ourselves or someone else and can't fulfil that where does that leave us? And prediction! Good old prediction. That really is a trap. The future cannot be predicted but when we think it can we create more weight in the present moment. 

But perhaps feeling fulfilled doesn't have to come from something we create in the future. What if fulfilment was now? What if it was an appreciation of everything which was now? Seeing a beautiful sunset, holding hands with a loved one or completing a task you have been putting off. I suspect you can even feel fulfilled by making a cup of tea if you want to. Imagine that fulfilment running through every part of your day.

What is your relationship with the voice in your head? Perhaps this question will help you consider that because you probably haven't thought about it before. I know I hadn't until recently. I guess that was because I thought it was the voice of truth! I didn't question it! I guess at that stage I was utterly dictated to by it! I believed what it said, I did what it instructed and I argued its corner! It pretty much ruled my life. 

But then I started to see that it didn't always have my best interest at heart. So I started trying to override it with all sorts of self-development like affirmations, hypnotherapy and The miracle morning. The list could take up the rest of the characters in this section. so I will stop now. But that ended up like painting the Forth Road Bridge (I will explain that in the podcast). Basically never ending! But then I started to understand the nature of that voice in my head. I realised that it was not me. And ever so gently my relationship with it began to change. Can you imagine if you just took that voice in your head less seriously? Then there would be freedom, calm, clarity and the antidote to self-development.

What do you do to perform at your best? A morning routine, endless self-development or follow the gurus' tools and techniques. It seems there are lots we can do to perform at our best but here is something you may not have considered. Your perfection! I guess you probably don't look in that direction very much because we are not encouraged to do so are we? We are not encouraged to look inside and see what is really there; wisdom, calm and love. All inside you, all the time! You see, we are designed for performance but so many things get in the way of us seeing that. Well, one thing really - thought! And the more we look outside ourselves for the answer, the more noise there is and the less able we are to see what is really there. I would love you to see your perfection!

Have you created any goals for next year? Perhaps you are just contemplating them at the moment. Thinking about what you would like to create in 2022. But here is a little truth to throw into the mix. You cannot predict the future. It is fun and exciting to create goals but holding them too tightly closes us down and stops us seeing the possibilities. But if we start from the present moment with an intention, so much can happen. Just by setting a direction of travel and seeing what unfolds we can live on purpose from the present moment. We can enjoy the journey rather than predicting it. And remember, if it looks like your wellbeing depends on life being a certain way in the future, it's worth knowing that life does not work that way. The future is a mystery, our future responses are a mystery and everything in the future is made up. So set those wonderful goals, but hold them lightly. You life really does not depend on it!

Can you think of some of the rules you learnt as you were growing up? 'Don't touch flames, they will burn you!' and 'Don't walk in front of a car, it will hurt you.' The rules about the physical word we learnt when we were small, have stood us in good stead as we have gone through life. They have kept us safe. As those little sponges we were, that information went in and it stuck. The trouble is, that we learnt some less useful things when we were small. Things like you are stupid, not good enough or ugly. These things are not true but because they were being learnt at the same time as the useful stuff, they looked like they were of equal value. There are some helpful, practical things to learn about the physical world but this is not the same for the things we learn about the self. The things we learn about ourselves are made of someone else's thinking. They are NOT true! They are NOT the same as the rules about the physical world. And when we can start to see the quality of the thoughts we have about ourselves, we can more easily let them pass. It is possible for all of us to have a different relationship with the things which we think about ourselves.

Have you ever tried to remove a habit? Perhaps you are contemplating that as we near the start of a new year. I spent a lot of time on habit change. I read all the books. Tiny habits, Atomic habits and The Power of Habit to name but a few! I did lots of therapy - hypnotherapy in the main and I tried affirmations, subliminal tracks and meditations. But then I learnt what a habit really is. It's just a bit of old, stuck thinking but not as stuck as you might think. You see, when you change your understanding of thought and start to take it less seriously, those habits start to fall away. That's what happened with my Saturday night chocolate thought. Habits are not as solid as you might think but if you would like to change a few next year, please get in touch.