Zombie-diaz is giving us big Nate Jaqua vibes, and Will Bruin is giving us more than we bargained for. We have more questionable ideas about a new Sounders crest and a new Sounders goal celebration that will leave the opponents picking fish guts out of their hair. Someone buy Stef a beer (or a house).

#NoNoNotLikeThat

Here’s your chance to name Branden’s baby! Sorry, Helicopter is already taken. The UNDEFEATED Sounders host the British Morlumbia Real Vancouver WhiteSaltlakes FC. Come for the soccer; stay for the pancake recipe.

Suffering from a severe case of Kangaroo Glaucoma, our baby bald big golden bogan boi is coming home. Clint Dempsey is a walking meme (but hasn’t he always been?) and the only way Fredy could get more Seattle is if he smoked weed in beautiful Ballard while watching Fraser. Dempsey Dempsey Dempsey Dempsey Dempsey.

The Brian Schmetzer Orchestra takes on the [Extremely Matthew McConaughey voice] “not good not good not good” Austin FC after a Deb-tastic draw against the flying Josefs. The pandemic made us all jerks, but at least the new kit makes us look skinny, but seriously folks, we wish they just put the 5G in us instead of the UEFA Level B Coaching Badges.

Imagine not supporting the Sounders? The bald gets it done again and daddy Schmetz’s boys take care of old man Bob Sadley. The FC Columbus Crew SC got rid of their Dorito and the padawan trio of Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle have a new master.

What. Was. That. Which Roldan is a Sounders legend? Answer: yes. We find out just how many Nouhous Nouhou is actually making, and why all the coffee at Starfire and Lumen might start tasting like Santos... LAFC in town this weekend, but who cares, Sounders are hot fire. Photo by ISIPhoto.com

Do you look like you know math? Aaron does. Fredy Montero switched his numbers around and brought out peak 2012 while NewHou looked like OldHou and Yeimar looked thicc. Wash your hooves and hide your pipe because they’re looking for your horse drugs.

Sit down, grab your spicy ‘yaki and join us for a few minutes of #HotGarbage and XXL bikes (don’t combine spicy teriyaki and bike rides though without a travel #bidet). We take a peak behind the digital ad boards and find the marketing genius wizard bird. Praise be Nouhou.

ALWAYS LISTEN TO NOUHOU. We wag our fingers (and our big dumb mouths) at one member of the Sounders FC central defense and make up for missing our 4/20 pod with 69* dumb jokes about our new league villain, who just gave me a swirlie. Off to pet Mr Dr Murder. *def not 69.