Like a stadium in Texas, our podcast feed sounds better with piped in crowd noise and is only 25% full. As you’ll hear, we have to do the 8 mile thing where we dunk on ourselves so nobody can dunk on us first. How do you pronounce it, France or France?

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When a bad touch leads to discussion about the human condition, it can only mean one thing — soccer is back. Emodiaz pulled the soccer ball out of the Wizard Bird virtual ad realm to t-bag the Timbers and Kelvin Leerdam apparently made his MLS debut, but is the world destined to get better, or are we just as awful, but with access to the internet? Makes you think.

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Grab your bi-color cape, we're keeping soccer alive the best way we know how! Let the sickness continue so the league can live. Also, warning about possible inhalation of exercise farts...

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We waited for lightning and storms to pass and we still don’t know who the Sounders will play in the Playoffs Jr., or how they somehow secured the #2 seed in their group, or how Vancouver advanced at all, or what Brian Schmetzer’s username is. When Nouhou is your safest player in defense, you know you’re in good hands.

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We’d rather eat a deep dish pizza than be put through 100 minutes of that again. The Rave Green were drenched in the springs of the Chad Barrett River, but they’re going to need more than that if they plan on beating accidental Canadian goals on Sunday. Sounders advance if [insert complicated scenarios here] but basically if they win. 

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Well, that was something. Sounders are back, kinda, and if you want to get up early on Tuesday, you can see if it gets any better, because it can’t get worse. You can now lease your neck to Raul Ruidiaz for future tattoos, but you should get in line. JUST GIVE THE GD BALL TO RAUL.

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Two games into the tournament (or one if you’re Gregr) and we learned a few things. Mainly, MLS is crap, white shirts are see-through when wet #FreeTheNip, and we should all hold our ACLs a little more close. Dunking on MLS is still original and cool, right?

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Time to change the name to the Most of MLS is back Cup! FC Dallas hit the long dusty highway home and Nashville seem ready to do the same, but Dr. Spaceman seems to think it’s still safe to play and that Don Garber’s Kissing Booth doesn’t break any public health guidelines. In 100 years, the best soccer rivalry will be a disaster, but for now it’s just San Jose.

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Are there Emos in Australia? The Retournament is somehow still happening despite FC Dallas coming down with so much COVID. Stretch ya neck with Raul. Come get a podcast sandwich of undercooked potatoes and Hot Garbage*. Stabby Rip Stab Stab

*Hot Garbage is no included on the all inclusive menu and you will be bill $95.

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We found the Wizard Bird! By we, we mean you, and by you, we mean Jean and David. The Green Sounders look great, so let’s hope they play those guys in the Returnament. Florida is a HOT MESS but MLS seems to love a challenge, so far the tournament is still on. Could FC Dallas start without their universally-hated number one GK? Let’s hope so. 

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