Gal Talk

Disclaimer: misogyny is funny because it's an absurd and unsustainable worldview, which often leads to the stupidest conclusions about the state of your life, the world, and your relationships with other people. You become a husk of a human, wandering around sexless like a Ken Doll, wondering where it all went wrong... maybe it was that time you closed the door and didn't let that waitress leave the bathroom until she told you that you were very handsome and not medically obese, but just regular dad bod fat. Your stinky gunt is actually very attractive and normal to have at 35, and it's actually women's fault that they don't let you fuck them with your 4inch unwashed angry pink cock

I love tv shows and dick jokes. You put those two together, pal, and you got yourself a happy customer. Not to mention my radical position which is that Donald damn Trumpk is a freaking stinking damn loser face. He's a spanking bad damn fuck cunt waffle penis small sticky fat. A cretinous claymation of crippled control crackling under crispy craps. You know what I'm saying? I'm saying he's a big hole in my ass, a small slit in my dick, and that black shit that you find under your nails after cleaning your oven, or something

Things are fine. Hey, you know it, I know it. Enough said. You go outside and it's glorious. You feel good about everything. The bugs aren't going extinct, and it's always 95 degrees with humidity. I like it, you like it. Very good. And I don't think we should raise the minimum wage. I think, in fact, we should lower it further, because then everyone can make less money. Have a good day, it's a good day. Yay, happy.

I won't hear anything to argue against my position. They're a slimy batch of people and I see no new cultural output from them. They were the evil empire before we took over and all they contributed to the world was a shitty language and a bunch of museums with stolen artifacts. Your food sucks, and you molest people trying to get an education. That's enough. Even if you really were an awesome nation without a bloodsoaked history, the shitty food and molestation is a big no no for me. You ain't wiping that stain away, blokes.

We had to take a break last week because my xlr cable was busted, and neither of us were in the mood to go out and find a new one. I will admit, too, that it's slightly embarrassing not just to be someone podcasting (that's obvious), but to be someone buying a new xlr cable for a podcast no one listens to... I mean sheesh. That's like, kill yourself type of energy. If it wasn't for the love of the game you could easily make an argument that I was some kind of loser piece of shit.

We recorded this in the hours right before the United States decided to join the war, so I don't know how much of what we said is now lost to the dwindling innocence of every moment we get before another terrible event occurs, but hey, that's the way it goes in this topsy turvy world of ours. Sometimes you record a podcast before a major news event, and sometimes your country is the major news event. Pretty cool, pretty cool stuff. I personally like war. I don't know if I ever mentioned that before, but I think it's good to kill people. Why? Because I have the IQ of a baby penguin and I still don't know how mud works. What do you mean it's wet dirt? The fuck you saying it's some wet ass dirt? Is that... is that kind of like wet ass pussy? Huh? Folks....

It's a lot easier than you might think to catch yourself a big fat predator. Turns out ninety percent of all people are viscous nasty predators, lurking around, waiting in between meals to trap someone in a dumpster and eat their underwear. I... I'll admit I don't know what predators are. Is it like the movie? It'd be cool if Chris Hansen walks out from behind the door and is confronted with the Predator alien holding a bag of loose Trulys and a bluray of La La Land. Just wipes his ass out, then proceeds to strike out with a teenager because he talks too much during the scene where Ryan Gosling is dancing. If you liked that movie you're a pedophile, is what I'm trying to say. I don't know why, but I just get that vibe from you.

In honor of pride month, I've decided to be gay. Just for the month, of course. I just really like stolen valor, so for the next month I'll be painting my nails and pretending to give a shit about Miley Cyrus' sister. Once July comes around, you better watch out, because I'm coming back to straightness with a fucking vengeance. I'll be dragging my nuts all over my favorite sports paraphernalia, talking about how bad the traffic has gotten in a very specific part of town. I'll be drinking coffee so cheap and so black it's legally not allowed outside unless it's covered by a brown paper bag. I'll go back to completely ignoring relationships that are the most important in my life, while simultaneously complaining about how no one talks to me anymore.

The legacy lives on, and we continue our bombs. Does anyone have a healthcare, these days? One smidge of healthcare to place atop your withering skeleton as the ice cream melts and candy wrappers stick against the leather seats of your newly washed car. To be American! To be a freshly showered hog, glistening in the beating sun as ribbons adorn your pink chest! We will live for a thousand (60) years! Undetermined by time itself, replaced by machines of gold. Eating bucket after bucket of Doritos and never gain weight. In fact, quite the opposite. We will be skinny forever!

Name another country with as much abundant criminality as the United States. And you can't say any of the Middle Eastern countries because fuck you, you literally have never known what you're talking about. Hey, also, what's the fucking deal with all this Islamophobia? Is everyone seven years old? Leave those people alone, you nasty cocksucker. Look inward at your own fat wife and disabled children. Where has your God gotten you so far? Living in Liverpool with a stick for a foot, drinking flat beer out of a fish bucket with nine of your toothless friends? Commuting to San Francisco because your only skillset is organizing pedophile content for a tech company? Your culture sucks. Leave the guys who pray on the ground (for some bizarre reason) alone. If a couple of them do terrorism don't freak out and become an asshole. Kindly walk up to them and shake their hands. You deserve it