did you make sure to stuff your stupid face with food from the grocery store? I couldn't be bother because I was busy PLANNING TO FIGHT THE NEW FASCIST GOVERNMENT... made up of mostly just like, guys from tv, but it's still pretty spooky, pretty scary. it's like... it's like motherfucking halloween out here, pal

remember the 90's or early 2000's? nic at night? the george lopez show, home improvement, fresh prince of belair? what a time to be alive... what an alive time to be in... a time when you might have been alive and hey, look at that, it happened. congratulations, you were born at a time when these specific cultural events were taking place, so i hope you're happy with that because that's your frame of reference for the rest of your life. just decades of "remember when" shit, forever and ever until you die, and some teenager in the year 2049 is like "who's tim allen?" and there will be no one around to agonize over it. they'll just have to google it and be like: yeah, alright, whatever

we're back, we're firing on all cylinders, racism is back, sexism is back, there are no rules anymore. that's what people think, so let's just run it back to 2016 all over again. i hope there's another pandemic. this time the virus turns you white. if you're already white, it turns you irish, and then no one can understand what the hell you're saying.

you fucking assholes.

and no, i'm not talking to the nazi boys, i'm talking to you, you polite piece of shit, just doing whatever mommy tells you to do, convincing yourself that harris was in any way a good idea or better alternative. you fucking baby. you toddler sucking on your thumb. look at what you did. all fifty states turned red. do you know how badly you have to miss the ball, slip on the banana peel, to fuck up the goddamn POPULAR vote? this is your country, you did this.

oh also, please read my substack:

https://open.substack.com/pub/jamesstahl/p/discomforts-over-dave-portnoy?r=8vma9&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web

look, not only did we record this episode a week ago, but even if we didn't this still wouldn't come out prior to the election. so hey, good luck to all of you who still somehow give a shit what happens to this horrible country of dumbfucks, who can't stand up for a single goddamn principle. abortion is more important than genocide, or whatever the fight comes down to in your simple brain as you trod your ass down to the local church to place a vote for... democracy? is that what we're still doing? doesn't feel like it, does it?

all things pee coming right at you. prepare for all kinds of conversation about what comes out of our pee holes (and i have a hint for you: it's piss)

also, fuck you. i know i forgot to upload this episode last week, but frankly i don't like your tone and these are false allegations i won't be taking seriously, and also fake news, your fake news, your mom is fake news, and again, fuck you.

anyway, this episode is from last week so don't judge me if our news updates are vintage by now.

yeah, i know, it’s late.

but in my defense, i forgot. so, you see how that could be problematic to the objective of putting the episode out. we even recorded it days in advance, and it just sat on my computer. all I had to do was upload it, hell they even have a feature where you can schedule the episode to be published at a certain time, but alas, that was not our situation. i was caught up eating too much quinoa, getting fucked up on carrot and spinach juice, living my best life as a #fitvegan.

are there fat vegans?

never mind, of course there are. there’s fat versions of everything.

if the world is ending i demand a mad max version of the apocalypse. i want to race a pack of savages in the sand dunes with a motorcycle where the front part is a skull and there’s badass guitar music playing the entire time. everyone lives on beetle blood and spray paint, and ive got a big mutated penis growing out of my chest that also operates like another arm. if that’s not how this world ends, then i’m not interested, no thanks pal, move your shit along and try to sell to someone else

back in the day, i tell you what, they used to kill motherfuckers like it was nothing.

let’s take all the popular sci-fi movies and cut them down to 20 minutes of watchable material that is mostly just cool images and whatever kind of weird contrived weaponry they got in the future. like lightsabers. take all nine star wars movies and cut it down to one single hour where it’s all the lightsaber stuff. maybe toss in one or two scene with alien stuff. done. fuck your plot, fuck your character developments, none of it is good anyway, we should all be able to agree that none of that matters. we like the zoom zoom and the boom boom. baby want milk. give me more milk. wah wah wah.