Gal Talk

the snow... all the blood... soon we will be buried in a mountain of our own creation. lost forever in a vortex of misunderstood associations. did my carbon emissions... when i went toot-toot in a field with all my fat cows... did that cause this storm? am i the one to hold responsible for all this mayhem, this death, this destruction? or am i, as we all are, innocent bystanders who don't know nothing about nothing?

i hope you change all the things that are wrong with you, bitch

well folks, this is the last episode before the Big Day. you know what day i'm talking about. we're all looking forward to that awesome moment when you wake up and walk over to the christmas tree and see that it's empty. barren. not a toy or twinkling light in sight, because you forgot to decorate the tree and have no one in your life to give you presents. so really, it's a day like any other day, but this time you do have a real reason to be sad, unlike those other days when it's kind of a mild haze scattered over the day you can never quite put your finger on. welp, time to binge eat in front of the tv and get so trashed on eggnog you fall asleep face first in a bowl of melted ice cream.

happy holidays, you piece of shit.

as the holidays approach, it's important to remember your family and how much you failed to deliver promises you made and how many people you owe money to. you're swimming in debt, barely able to stick your penis above the water, and you're also a liar, you tell lies, and everyone knows about it. your mommy knows you're lying when you say you have a girlfriend, but she plays along anyway because it's too embarrassing to call you out on it.

happy holidays

now that we've solved racism by giving more POC voices to cartoon characters, i say it's high time we return to our roots and make those cartoon moms sexy again. a little something for daddy, you know what i'm saying? you get what i'm pointing to? (jerking off) although, i guess i can see an argument for why we don't do that anymore. what with there being so much cartoon pornography nowadays. daddy can just go to his man cave to jerk off to mrs. incredible getting plowed, instead of doing it in the living room with the family like the good old days

did you make sure to stuff your stupid face with food from the grocery store? I couldn't be bother because I was busy PLANNING TO FIGHT THE NEW FASCIST GOVERNMENT... made up of mostly just like, guys from tv, but it's still pretty spooky, pretty scary. it's like... it's like motherfucking halloween out here, pal

remember the 90's or early 2000's? nic at night? the george lopez show, home improvement, fresh prince of belair? what a time to be alive... what an alive time to be in... a time when you might have been alive and hey, look at that, it happened. congratulations, you were born at a time when these specific cultural events were taking place, so i hope you're happy with that because that's your frame of reference for the rest of your life. just decades of "remember when" shit, forever and ever until you die, and some teenager in the year 2049 is like "who's tim allen?" and there will be no one around to agonize over it. they'll just have to google it and be like: yeah, alright, whatever

we're back, we're firing on all cylinders, racism is back, sexism is back, there are no rules anymore. that's what people think, so let's just run it back to 2016 all over again. i hope there's another pandemic. this time the virus turns you white. if you're already white, it turns you irish, and then no one can understand what the hell you're saying.

you fucking assholes.

and no, i'm not talking to the nazi boys, i'm talking to you, you polite piece of shit, just doing whatever mommy tells you to do, convincing yourself that harris was in any way a good idea or better alternative. you fucking baby. you toddler sucking on your thumb. look at what you did. all fifty states turned red. do you know how badly you have to miss the ball, slip on the banana peel, to fuck up the goddamn POPULAR vote? this is your country, you did this.

oh also, please read my substack:

https://open.substack.com/pub/jamesstahl/p/discomforts-over-dave-portnoy?r=8vma9&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web

look, not only did we record this episode a week ago, but even if we didn't this still wouldn't come out prior to the election. so hey, good luck to all of you who still somehow give a shit what happens to this horrible country of dumbfucks, who can't stand up for a single goddamn principle. abortion is more important than genocide, or whatever the fight comes down to in your simple brain as you trod your ass down to the local church to place a vote for... democracy? is that what we're still doing? doesn't feel like it, does it?