Gal Talk

all things pee coming right at you. prepare for all kinds of conversation about what comes out of our pee holes (and i have a hint for you: it's piss)

also, fuck you. i know i forgot to upload this episode last week, but frankly i don't like your tone and these are false allegations i won't be taking seriously, and also fake news, your fake news, your mom is fake news, and again, fuck you.

anyway, this episode is from last week so don't judge me if our news updates are vintage by now.

yeah, i know, it’s late.

but in my defense, i forgot. so, you see how that could be problematic to the objective of putting the episode out. we even recorded it days in advance, and it just sat on my computer. all I had to do was upload it, hell they even have a feature where you can schedule the episode to be published at a certain time, but alas, that was not our situation. i was caught up eating too much quinoa, getting fucked up on carrot and spinach juice, living my best life as a #fitvegan.

are there fat vegans?

never mind, of course there are. there’s fat versions of everything.

if the world is ending i demand a mad max version of the apocalypse. i want to race a pack of savages in the sand dunes with a motorcycle where the front part is a skull and there’s badass guitar music playing the entire time. everyone lives on beetle blood and spray paint, and ive got a big mutated penis growing out of my chest that also operates like another arm. if that’s not how this world ends, then i’m not interested, no thanks pal, move your shit along and try to sell to someone else

back in the day, i tell you what, they used to kill motherfuckers like it was nothing.

let’s take all the popular sci-fi movies and cut them down to 20 minutes of watchable material that is mostly just cool images and whatever kind of weird contrived weaponry they got in the future. like lightsabers. take all nine star wars movies and cut it down to one single hour where it’s all the lightsaber stuff. maybe toss in one or two scene with alien stuff. done. fuck your plot, fuck your character developments, none of it is good anyway, we should all be able to agree that none of that matters. we like the zoom zoom and the boom boom. baby want milk. give me more milk. wah wah wah.

i don’t actually remember what we talked about on this one. something about capitalism? probably. we most probably talked about pussy. i can all but goddamn guarantee that pussy came up in our wide ranging tapestry of conversation

we all are trapped in a cage, aren’t we? this body of flesh and bone, this consciousness elusive to all scientific inquiry, this society of consumerism and wealth, prosperity and depravity, exploitation and criminalization (now I’m just saying words, and hey, aren’t words also a bit of a cage? forever stuck in language, unable to express anything directly, always lost in various metaphors to try and convey what we truly ultimately experience? staring out into the void, pondering the myth of our creation, mapping the story of our destruction…. oh shit, my Tostitos are done. alright, talk to you guys later.

you know how people hate taxes? this is a big midwestern thing, because everyone here descends from some variant of libertarianism, so they don’t know how taxes work or why they exist, so all they know is that when april comes around it’s time to be mad at the government. and for 350 days of the rest of the year, there’s never another thought about what the government is doing with your taxes, but for those two weeks leading up to filing your shit, all the sudden your mr. politics. all at once you’re a rebel against the oppressive state. then april passes, you inevitably pay the taxes because you’re scared, and you go back to eating ice cream, or whatever the fuck you do in your spare time that’s making you so goddamn fat.

children’s books were mostly lame, when you look back on it. magic treehouse? shut the fuck up. you tell me a couple of kids are teleporting through space and time on a quest assigned by a wizard based on a different book from a magical library? and the wizard isn’t fucking the kids? you sure about that pal? you sure those kids aren’t just severely traumatized by getting a wand shoved in their ass every time they went into the forest and so they just made up these fake stories about adventures inside of books to cope? c’mon pal, we’re all adults here, we can admit it

well folks, it’s been 100 episodes of this show, and you know that means a lot to me, because during this time i’ve learned a lot about how much i don’t care about people’s attention or participation in something i’m making. so we will continue to do this show, regardless of whether or not you assholes are listening. in much the same way that Israel will continue to do a genocide, regardless of whether or not you’re paying attention, which let’s be honest, no you’re not.