Gracebased Podcast

Welcome to a special episode of BluePrints, where we invite back Elizabeth Orthmann, LMFT, to explore how parents can instill a heart of gratitude in their children, counteracting entitlement and fostering a positive outlook.

THE BIG IDEA:

gratitude is a critical and transformative attribute that parents should cultivate in their children to counteract entitlement and promote a positive and abundant outlook on life.

Part 1. (00:00-23:15)

1. Understanding Gratitude:
   • Elizabeth discusses the common misconceptions about gratitude and entitlement in children. She emphasizes that gratitude is not merely about being polite but about recognizing and appreciating what others have contributed to one's life.
   • Timestamp: (06:00) - Elizabeth addresses the clinical perspective on gratitude vs. entitlement.
2. Challenges in Cultivating Gratitude:
   • Discussion on the natural developmental stages of children where self-focus is necessary for survival, transitioning to recognizing the needs and contributions of others as they grow.
   • Timestamp: (09:00) - Explanation of how entitlement can be a misinterpreted drive in children.
3. Practical Steps for Fostering Gratitude:
   • Suggestions include storytelling, regular reflections on daily blessings, and involving children in community services to broaden their perspectives and empathy towards others.
   • Timestamp: (18:00) - Elizabeth and hosts discuss practical activities to practice gratitude.

Part 2. (23:40-43:23)

   4. Children Who Have Been Traumatized and How They Interpret Gratitude.
        - How a child thinks about gratitude when they don't have a lot. (32:20)

    5. Building Practices of Gratitude with Kids
         - evening meal, bedtime, rose, bud, thorn. (37:50)

Favorite Quotes from This Episode:

• "Gratitude transforms how we see ourselves and the world around us. It shifts focus from 'me' to 'we.'"
• "Every little expression of thankfulness, no matter how small, contributes to a larger sense of happiness and fulfillment."

Resources: 
www.gracebasedfamilies.com
https://storytellerstherapy.com/ (Elizabeth's LMFT practice)

Welcome to this episode of Blueprints!  In this episode, Cody and Greg introduce the concept of humility, a trait often overlooked in a society that may reward the opposite and they hear from Dr Tim Kimmel on how to cultivate humility in the heart of a child. 

The Goal:

• Explore how cultivating humility can significantly affect personal growth and family relationships.
• Discuss practical steps for parents to instill this quality in their children, making it a foundational aspect of their character.

Common Misconception:

• There's a prevalent misconception that humility involves self-deprecation or a lower self-esteem. However, true humility is about recognizing one's own place in the context of God’s creation and others, maintaining a realistic view of one’s strengths and weaknesses.

Understanding True Humility:

• Humility as an honest assessment of one's abilities and limitations in the light of God’s greatness and the contributions of others.
• The importance of humility in developing other virtues, like wisdom, which is crucial for making sound decisions and fostering healthy relationships.

Hear It, Don’t Defend It:

• The hosts emphasize the value of modeling humility through personal examples and daily interactions within the family.
• Discussion on how parents can demonstrate humility by admitting their own mistakes and being open to learning from their children.

Encourage Regular Practice of Humility and Look for Growth Opportunities:

• Suggestions on incorporating humility into family life, such as serving others together and celebrating successes without boasting.
• How to teach children to appreciate their achievements and talents without diminishing others.

Favorite Quotes from This Episode:

• "If we want our children to be wise, we need them to first be humble." – Greg Lunsford

Key Points Takeaways:

• Humility as a gateway to wisdom and deeper relationships.
• The benefits of humility extend beyond personal growth to include enhanced family dynamics.
• How humility fosters a learning environment conducive to both parental and child development.

Conclusion:

• Cody and Greg wrap up the discussion by reinforcing the necessity of humility in raising extraordinary kids.
• They encourage parents to seek wisdom through humility, creating a family culture that values each member's growth and contribution.

Learn more at: www.GraceBasedFamilies.com

Produced by: The fine folks at Gum Audio www.gumaudio.com

Welcome to this episode of Blueprints! Today's episodes focus is on developing courage in children, particularly in challenging social situations.

Question from Carl in Cleveland: (5:00)

"My daughter (12) is seeing a kid at her school get bullied. She wants to stand up for her but is worried that other kids will make fun of her. I think in her heart she knows the right thing to do, but it's overwhelming for her.  How can I help her give her courage to stand up for others, while also navigate the social dynamics of being a middle school kid? 

The Goal: Equip kids with the courage to make ethical decisions, emphasizing the importance of doing the right thing for the right reasons, rooted in biblical values.

The Big Idea: "Courage isn't just about facing fears but about embracing the right actions for the right reasons." – Cody Kimmel

Parenting is not just about teaching rule-following but fostering an environment where kids feel empowered to make morally right decisions, even when they are difficult.

Biblical Inspiration: Courage as demonstrated by biblical figures, including Jesus and the prophets, who showed that true courage is as much about faithfulness to God’s commands as it is about bravery.

Behavior ≠ Identity: True courage involves understanding and embracing the moral reasons behind actions, not just the actions themselves. This means standing up for what is right, even if it is unpopular or challenging.

Examples from Scripture: Jesus in the wilderness, facing temptations but choosing to honor God over easy wins, shows the deep love for the long-term good that comes from doing the right thing.

What’s at Stake: Overreacting to Fear: Can lead kids to avoid taking stands on important issues, resulting in missed opportunities to bring goodness into the world.

Underreacting to Courage Opportunities: Fails to foster a culture of bravery and righteousness that the world desperately needs.

The Goal of Parenting: To nurture kids who are not only brave but also understand the deep value and goodness of God’s guidance in making tough choices.

4 Practical Steps for Helping Kids Navigate Courageous Decisions:

1. Respond, Don’t React: Encourage kids to take courageous steps by discussing potential scenarios and role-playing responses.

2. Separate Identity from Behavior: Reinforce that a child’s worth is not tied to their social standing but to their character and integrity.

3. Empathize and Understand: Listen to your child’s fears about standing up for others, affirming that their concerns are valid and understandable.

4. Focus on Training Over Criticism: Teach kids why courage is valuable and how it reflects God’s character. Discuss biblical heroes who were courageous and the positive outcomes of their actions.

5. Balance Grace and Accountability: Support kids in courageous actions by showing them that doing the right thing, even when hard, is part of living a fulfilling and God-honoring life.

Learn more at: www.GraceBasedFamilies.com

Produced by: The fine folks at Gum Audio

Welcome to a special episode of Blueprints! Today we're excited to welcome on the show our first ever guest interview. 

Elizabeth Orthmann is a licensed marriage and family therapist with expertise in trauma, attachment, and parenting.  She joins Greg and Cody to discuss how to build endurance and resilience into kids. 

Key Takeaways from the Episode:

1. The Big Idea:
   • Discussing the importance of 'enduring with'—how shared experiences of overcoming obstacles can foster resilience in children.
2. Expert Insights:
   • Elizabeth Orthman shares her professional perspective on how endurance can be cultivated in children through parental support and real-life application.
3. What’s at Stake:
   • The inability to endure hardships may lead to poor coping mechanisms in adulthood, making resilience a crucial skill for children to develop.

Practical Steps for Cultivating Endurance:

1. Encourage Problem-Solving:
   • Teach children to face small, manageable challenges to build their problem-solving skills and confidence.
2. Create a Supportive Family Environment:
   • Foster a family culture where endurance is valued and practiced, with parents modeling resilient behaviors.
3. Regular Family Discussions:
   • Hold family meetings to discuss challenges and strategies for overcoming them, reinforcing the concept of endurance through collective family experiences.

Favorite Quotes from This Episode:

• "Endurance isn't just about getting through on your own; it's about moving forward together and finding strength in that unity."
• "Building endurance helps children not just survive but thrive through life's inevitable challenges."

Timestamps for Key Sections:

Part 1.  0-20:50.
- Definition of endurance "bearing suffering (10:38)
- Endurance, doing hard things "with" someone: (17:30)

Part 2. 21:03-56:30
- Practical ways to build endurance in kids.
- What if a kid doesn't have a trusted adult to build endurance with them. (33:00)
- How to know when it's become too much for your kid to handle (38:30)
- How to choose what to focus on with your kid in building endurance(43:30)

Resources: 
www.gracebasedfamilies.com
https://storytellerstherapy.com/ (Elizabeth Orthmann's LMFT practice) 

Episode #: 19

• Intro Timestamp: (00:00) - Cody discusses the importance of setting boundaries and casting a vision for the responsible use of technology, such as smartphones.
• Listener Question:
  • From: Kelly in Salt Lake City, Utah
  • Timestamp: (05:00)
  • Question: "We gave our daughter her first smartphone for her 16th birthday, and she's overwhelmed by it, neglecting homework and chores. How can we discuss setting boundaries and self-discipline without making her feel punished?"
• The Goal: To guide children in developing self-discipline, especially in managing their technology use, ensuring they can set healthy boundaries for themselves.
• Key Takeaways from the Episode:
  1. The Big Idea:
     • Self-discipline is essential for managing personal impulses, particularly in relation to technology use.
  2. Biblical Insights:
     • References biblical principles that underline the importance of diligence and self-control, such as teachings from Proverbs and Hebrews.
  3. What’s at Stake:
     • Without self-discipline, children may struggle to make prudent decisions, especially in an age dominated by digital distractions.
• Practical Steps for Cultivating Self-Discipline:
  1. Vision Casting:
     • Start conversations about technology by highlighting its benefits and the responsibilities it entails, setting a positive framework.
  2. Setting Clear Boundaries:
     • Establish clear and reasonable guidelines for technology use, including times and places where device use is inappropriate.
  3. Regular Check-ins:
     • Engage in ongoing discussions about technology use, adjusting rules as needed and ensuring children understand the reasons behind them.
• Favorite Quotes from This Episode:
  • "Technology is not inherently bad; it's a tool that can be used wisely or poorly."
  • "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." (Hebrews 12:11)
• Greg and Cody’s Insights:
  1. Greg's Reflection:
     • Shares personal anecdotes about the challenges and rewards of teaching discipline to his own child.
  2. Cody’s Experience:
     • Discusses his efforts to teach his children the value of discipline in various aspects of life, from technology to personal hobbies.
• Timestamps for Key Sections:
  • Introduction to Self-Discipline Discussion: (00:00)
  • Listener Question and Response: (05:00)

Intro Timestamp: (00:00) - Cody discusses how assigning significant tasks to children can inspire them to take actions seriously, highlighting the connection between responsibility and the development of poise.

Listener Question:

• From: Lauren in Katy, Texas
• Timestamp: (06:00)
• Question: "How can I teach my children to interact pleasantly with adults and demonstrate poise in various situations? They sometimes act awkwardly, like staring or making strange noises instead of engaging normally."

The Goal: To help children develop poise, focusing on others-oriented behaviors rather than self-control, enabling them to handle various social situations gracefully.

Key Takeaways from the Episode:

1. The Big Idea:
   • Poise is not merely about self-control; it's about cultivating an others-focused approach, where children learn to consider the feelings and needs of others in their actions.
2. Biblical Insights:
   • Discussions on biblical teachings that support the development of poise, such as living a quiet life (1 Thessalonians) and understanding the appropriateness of actions (Ecclesiastes).
3. What’s at Stake:
   • Developing poise in children helps them navigate social settings effectively, enhancing their ability to show respect and consideration for others, which is essential for their spiritual and social growth.

Practical Steps for Cultivating Poise:

1. Model Poise and Consideration:
   • Parents should demonstrate how to behave appropriately in various settings, providing a living example for their children.
2. Teach Situational Awareness:
   • Explain the expectations and norms of different social settings to children beforehand, helping them understand how to act accordingly.
3. Encourage Reflective Learning:
   • Discuss and review past experiences with children to reinforce lessons learned and encourage better choices in the future.

Favorite Quotes from This Episode:

• "Poise helps our kids live an others-focused life."
• "Poise is a way to show others love because it is based on a deep awareness of what people need in that particular moment."

Greg and Cody’s Insights:

1. Greg's Reflection:
   • Shares a personal story of his own childhood and how understanding from a young age shaped his interactions and behavior in public.
2. Cody’s Experience:
   • Talks about how teaching his children to handle various public settings has been a progressive journey of learning and adjustment.

Timestamps for Key Sections:

• Introduction to Poise Discussion: (00:00)
• Listener Question and Response: (06:00)

• Intro Timestamp: (00:00) - Cody discusses the challenge of supervising children to ensure integrity and highlights the importance of cultivating a genuine moral compass in children.
• Listener Question:
  • From: Michelle in South Carolina
  • Timestamp: (03:00)
  • Question: "How can I help my kids develop genuine integrity that goes beyond just following rules when observed? My son found a wallet with money and hesitated before doing the right thing. How can we foster a real moral compass, rooted in faith, not merely rule compliance?"
• The Goal: Foster genuine integrity in children that sustains even when they're unsupervised, emphasizing a heart transformation rather than mere rule-following.
• Key Takeaways from the Episode:
  1. The Big Idea:
     • Integrity is more about the heart's condition than merely the actions; it requires internal motivation rather than external enforcement.
  2. Biblical Inspiration:
     • Discusses how actions should stem from a transformed heart, referencing how biblical figures demonstrated integrity.
     • Cody and Greg explore how God values integrity at a heart level, citing 1 Samuel 16:7 where God emphasizes looking at the heart rather than outward appearance.
  3. What’s at Stake:
     • Children's ability to make moral decisions independently of parental supervision hinges on their internal moral compass.
     • Without genuine integrity, children might adopt a facade of compliance while hiding their true actions or feelings.
• Practical Steps for Cultivating Integrity:
  1. Model Integrity:
     • Parents should exhibit consistent behavior both in public and private, showing integrity in all aspects of life.
  2. Teach Through Engagement:
     • Engage children in discussions about integrity in daily situations, encouraging them to think about and articulate their values and decisions.
  3. Create Learning Opportunities:
     • Use real-life situations, like the scenario with the found wallet, as teachable moments to discuss and reflect on the importance of integrity.
• Favorite Quotes from This Episode:
  • "Integrity is a heart issue, not an action issue."
  • "God cares about integrity at a heart level."
• Greg and Cody’s Insights:
  1. Greg's Reflection:
     • Shares a personal story about his childhood and how his perspective on honesty and integrity evolved through his faith journey.
  2. Cody’s Thoughts:
     • Discusses the challenge of navigating his children’s independence, such as handling phones and driving, stressing the importance of internal integrity over external control.
• Timestamps for Key Sections:
  • Introduction to Integrity Discussion: (00:00)
  • Listener Question and Response: (03:00)

Welcome to this episode of Blueprints, where Greg and Cody discuss how to talk to your kids about faith and doubt. 

Listener Question:

• From: Amanda in Chicago, Illinois
• Timestamp: 4:58
• Question: "I'm a parent of two children, ages 8 and 10, and I'm struggling with how to approach faith with my kids. They have started expressing doubt and questioning the teachings they've grown up with. How can I encourage their spiritual growth without making them feel pressured or judged while still maintaining the core spiritual values I believe are important for their lives?"

The Goal: To help parents navigate their children's faith questions with understanding and without fear, ensuring that these inquiries are part of a healthy spiritual journey.

Key Takeaways from the Episode:

1. The Big Idea:
   • It's not our job to save our children; that's God's role. Our responsibility is to model genuine faith and allow God to work in their lives.
   • Emphasizing that questions and doubts are natural parts of a spiritual journey and can lead to deeper understanding and faith.
2. Biblical Inspiration:
   • Faith is described as a dynamic interaction initiated by God, with biblical figures like Abraham and Moses illustrating how personal struggles and doubts can lead to profound faith.
   • Discussion on how biblical stories teach us about the strength of faith that includes questioning and seeking.
3. What’s at Stake:
   • Ignoring or dismissing children's spiritual doubts can lead to disengagement from faith.
   • Encouraging open dialogue about faith and doubts can strengthen personal and family faith journeys.

Practical Steps for Cultivating Understanding and Openness in Faith:

1. Model Genuine Faith:
   • Share personal struggles and victories in faith transparently with children.
   • Demonstrate that faith can coexist with doubt and is not a pathway devoid of obstacles.
2. Foster a Safe Environment for Questions:
   • Encourage children to express their doubts and questions without fear of judgment.
   • Use questions as opportunities for joint exploration of faith, not just teaching moments.
3. Encourage Exploration and Curiosity:
   • Support children in seeking answers and understanding, showing that faith is not about having all the answers but about seeking truth with God's guidance.

Favorite Quotes from This Episode:

• "It's not your job to save them; it's God's job to save them."
• "Faith is not forced; if it's forced, then it's not real faith."

Greg and Cody’s Parenting Wins & Fails:

1. Greg’s Insight:
   • Shares a personal story of dealing with his son's straightforward approach to the Bible, illustrating the importance of adapting to children's evolving spiritual needs.
2. Cody’s Reflection:
   • Discusses how his initial resistance to family activities like puzzling turns into a metaphor for participating in messy but enriching family and faith dynamics.

Show Notes for Episode 15

Listener Question from Megan in Tacoma, WA: (4:30)

"I know making mistakes is part of learning and growth, but my son is particularly sensitive to having his mistakes called out. Sometimes I worry my approach has been the problem. How can I balance grace and accountability to help him navigate mistakes without sparking a shame response?"

The Goal:

Create an environment where kids feel safe to make mistakes, learn from them, and grow without being defined by their failures. The focus is on balancing grace, accountability, and a response that fosters resilience instead of shame.

Key Takeaways from the Episode:

1. The Big Idea:
   • "Kids will get it wrong—and so will we."
   • Parenting is not about perfection but about fostering an environment of grace and growth. Both kids and parents need grace as they navigate mistakes and challenges together.
2. Biblical Inspiration:
   • God’s grace is big enough for every kind of mistake, from accidents to willful disobedience.
   • Behavior ≠ Identity: God does not define us by our mistakes, and neither should we define our kids by theirs.
   • Examples from Scripture:
     • Adam and Eve in the garden—God pursued them in their mistake, offering grace alongside consequences.
     • The patience God displayed with His people in Judges and the Kings, where He consistently forgave and called them back to Him.
   • Grace upon grace (John 1) is the standard: just as God showers us with unending grace, we are called to extend it to our children.
3. What’s at Stake:
   • Overreacting to Mistakes:
     • Can lead kids to associate mistakes with shame, resulting in fear-based behavior instead of authentic growth.
     • Over time, this creates a fear of failure that can stifle creativity, independence, and vulnerability.
   • Underreacting to Mistakes:
     • Fails to teach kids accountability and responsibility.
     • Leads to patterns of poor decision-making and missed opportunities for growth.
4. The Goal of Parenting:
   • Not to raise perfectly behaved kids but to help them become fully alive in God. Behavior flows from the heart, so the focus should be on shaping the heart rather than controlling behavior.

Practical Steps for Helping Kids Navigate Mistakes:

1. Respond, Don’t React:
   • Every mistake deserves a patient and gracious response—this helps kids learn and grow without internalizing shame.
   • Your response might vary from “Hey, it’s okay!” for small mistakes to a deeper conversation for more serious ones.
2. Separate Identity from Behavior:
   • Make it clear that your child’s worth and identity are not tied to their mistakes.
   • Example: “This is not who you are. Let’s talk about how to make this better.”
3. Empathize and Understand:
   • Before correcting a mistake, acknowledge your child’s feelings and perspective.
   • Avoid asking “Why did you do that?” Instead, say, “I understand what happened. Let’s figure out a way to handle it differently next time.”
4. Focus on Training Over Criticism:
   • Mistakes often happen because kids don’t know better or haven’t been taught.
   • Before disciplining, ask yourself: Have I shown them how to do this correctly?
5. Balance Grace and Accountability:
   • Grace doesn’t mean avoiding consequences. Discipline should always aim to restore, teach, and guide.
   • Example from Dr. Tim Kimmel: Discipline says, “I love you too much to let you continue in harmful patterns.”
6. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff:
   • Reserve emotional energy for the issues that truly matter. If everything is a battle, the home becomes chaotic and stressful.
   • Let little accidents (e.g., broken plates, spilled drinks) roll off your shoulders with a quick, “That’s okay. Let’s clean it up.”

Favorite Quotes from This Episode:

• “Behavior born out of fear of failure is not obedience.”
• “Our job is not to raise perfectly behaved kids but to help them become fully alive in God.”
• “God’s grace is patient and long. We’re called to mirror that in our parenting.”
• “Kids will make mistakes—some intentional, some accidental—but every mistake deserves a gracious response.”

• (00:00) - Intro

Listener Question from Frank in Oklahoma:  (5:30)

"I grew up in a family that didn’t really share feelings or show much emotion. I’m continuing to work on this as an adult. I now have three boys of my own and I want them to feel comfortable being vulnerable and expressing emotions in our family. How do I encourage this in a genuine and natural way?"

The Goal:

Help kids feel safe expressing big emotions and cultivate a family environment where vulnerability is normalized and encouraged. Vulnerability builds trust, emotional health, and deeper family connection.

Key Takeaways from the Episode:

1. The Big Idea:
   • Home needs to be a safe place for our kids' big feelings.
   • If kids don’t feel safe being vulnerable at home, they’ll find somewhere else to express those feelings—and those places may not be the healthiest or safest environments.
2. Biblical Inspiration:
   • God models emotional openness by giving His children the freedom to express big feelings without condemnation.
   • Examples:
     • Moses: Expressed his doubts and fears about his abilities. God responded with reassurance and provision.
     • David in the Psalms: David openly shared his grief, joy, anger, and confusion with God.
     • Jesus weeping: Demonstrated vulnerability in front of His disciples, showing us that emotions are part of our humanity.
3. What’s at Stake:
   • If kids don’t feel they can share their emotions at home:
     • They might bottle them up, leading to long-term emotional struggles.
     • They might turn to unhealthy outlets for expression.
   • Vulnerability at home protects kids emotionally and ensures they learn how to process their feelings in healthy, God-honoring ways.

Practical Steps for Cultivating Vulnerability:

1. Lead by Example:
   • Model vulnerability by sharing your own emotions in an appropriate way.
   • Example: Share when you’ve had a hard day and explain how you’re working through it.
   • Let your kids see how you navigate emotions in a healthy way.
2. Create Safe Spaces:
   • Develop daily or weekly rhythms that create opportunities for connection and openness:
     • Bedtime routines: A quiet moment to ask, “How are you feeling today?” or “Is there anything on your mind?”
     • Car rides: Captive time where kids often feel less pressured to “perform” or overthink.
   • Use these moments to gently ask questions and give your kids space to open up.
3. Cultivate Connection Through Shared Activities:
   • Spend intentional time doing fun or meaningful activities with your kids. Vulnerability is more likely to flow out of strong relational connection.
   • Example: Playing a game, doing a shared hobby, or even just sitting together.
4. Avoid Shutting Them Down:
   • Even if their feelings seem exaggerated or misplaced, let them express them fully before stepping in with guidance.
   • Avoid phrases like, “It’s not that big of a deal,” or “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
   • Validate their emotions by saying things like, “I can see why you’re feeling this way.”
5. Ask Questions to Invite Sharing:
   • Simple prompts like, “Is there anything I can pray about for you?” or “What was the best and hardest part of your day?” can lead to deeper conversations.
   • When kids feel heard and understood, they’re more likely to reciprocate by asking about your emotions too.

Favorite Quotes from This Episode:

• “If we want our kids to be vulnerable, they need to feel safe being vulnerable.”
• “It only takes a few times of us shutting them down for them to learn it’s not safe to share their feelings.”
• “God allows us to bring every big emotion to Him—our homes should mirror that grace and safety.”
• “Vulnerability in families isn’t just about kids opening up to parents; it’s about parents modeling what healthy vulnerability looks like.”

Greg and Cody’s Parenting Wins & Fails:

1. Greg’s Win:
   • After his son lost an important soccer match, Greg met him in his grief rather than minimizing it. He gave him the space to feel sad, which strengthened their bond.
2. Cody’s Fail:
   • Cody accidentally missed a live event with his kids due to a time change he didn’t notice. Despite the disappointment, it became an unexpected moment of shared vulnerability and connection.

• (00:00) - Intro