Growth Marriage

What does it take to have an amazing relationship? What does it take to not only avoid a disaster, but to rise above the mediocrity and complacency that has infected most modern-day relationships? Here are two tips from Jenna McCarthy that will help you elevate your game. Click here to read the blog post for this episode: http://www.loveumentary.com/episode-34-you-get-what-you-settle-for-with-jenna-mccarthy/

What does it take to have an amazing relationship? What does it take to not only avoid a disaster, but to rise above the mediocrity and complacency that has infected most modern-day relationships? Here are two tips from Jenna McCarthy that will help you elevate your game.

Click here to read the blog post for this episode: http://www.loveumentary.com/episode-34-you-get-what-you-settle-for-with-jenna-mccarthy/

6 Intimacy Skills to Transform Your Relationship Self Care – In any relationship, you are responsible for your own happiness. If you rely on others to fill your self-worth tank, you'll inevitably end up stranded on the side of the highway of life, broken down, frustrated, and alone. Rather than relying on others to fill up that love tank, take initiative and fill it up yourself. This means you must love yourself, not just with words, but with actions.Make a list of things that fill you with joy, energy, and happiness then do those things every day. Make them a priority. Whether it's sitting down to enjoy a cup of coffee, calling an old friend, writing in your journal, meditation or yoga, reading out of a good book, or some intense exercise, make a commitment to do the stuff you love religiously… make it as big of a priority as brushing your teeth – which you do regularly (I hope). Relinquish Inappropriate Control – Did you know that something as simple as telling a man he's doing something wrong – even when well-intentioned – can be incredibly emasculating? As a man, I feel a sense of pride when I can provide, protect, or otherwise take care of those that I love. Often times, correcting things (especially small things), make us feel like we can't do anything right. It's easy to feel defeated, incompetent, and worthless when you can't even dress yourself, or clean a mirror properly.Sure, many of you may say that I'm being over-sensitive. We men just need to "pony up" and "be a man" when it comes to taking criticism. Well, as a man, I'm telling you from the bottom of my heart: If you want more intimacy in your relationship, think before you speak. Your words can fill us up with courage, open us up to vulnerability, and give us the courage to slay dragons… or they can strip us of our confidence. The ball is in your court. Receive Graciously - When a man gives you something, whether it's a gift, a compliment, or some form of help, he's reaching out in an attempt to connect. It's a display of his love and care. A rejection or dismissal of his effort to bond with you are not only a rejection of the offer itself, but a rejection of his attempt to connect, and subsequently a rejection of him.Rather than play the "not good enough" card, thank him and tell him how much you appreciate him… because he thinks you're good enough, and sometimes that's all that matters. Respect – For this skill, I quote Mrs. Doyle herself. Her words are just too perfect: "Lack of respect causes more divorces than cheating does because for men, respect is like oxygen. They need it more than sex. Respect means that you don't dismiss, criticize, contradict or try to teach him anything. Of course he won't do things the same way you do; for that, you could have just married yourself. But with your respect, he will once again do the things that amazed and delighted you to begin with — so much so that you married him." Gratitude – Good men don't do kind things with the expectation of thanks, but honestly, nothing is sexier than a woman who regularly expresses gratitude… especially for the things that you don't expect them to be grateful for. When a woman expresses appreciation for something I did for them, it makes me feel like $1 million. It makes me want to do more nice things more often.Cultivating a habit of expressing gratitude every day will also put you in a mindset of looking for the very best things. When you see and recognize the best in a man, he will rise to the occasion, and become the best version of himself. Your gratitude has the ability to unlock hidden reserves of potential, intimacy, and overwhelming love. Vulnerability - A truly intimate and trusting relationship requires vulnerability at its very core. Getting naked emotionally with someone often requires a lot more of that trust than getting naked physically with them. Being vulnerable requires honesty and assertiveness, and responsibility. Merely expressing how we feel is now vulnerability. Rather than nagging or criticizing, state your desires. "I feel lonely," is far more vulnerable than "You never come home on time." "I miss you so much," is far more vulnerable than, "When was the last time you took me on a date?"Striving to come to the table palms-open to express your feelings and your needs is courageous… and this approach not only avoids putting men on the defensive, but encourages them to do what they love doing most: step up to the plate and make their women happy. Most of us do not realize how much individual power we possess to influence, change, and improve our relationships. We get stuck in the tedium of the day-to-day. We forget that little things can make an enormous difference. I hope you have the courage to give these 6 tips a try in your relationship… especially if you see it suffering.

6 Intimacy Skills to Transform Your Relationship

Self Care – In any relationship, you are responsible for your own happiness. If you rely on others to fill your self-worth tank, you’ll inevitably end up stranded on the side of the highway of life, broken down, frustrated, and alone. Rather than relying on others to fill up that love tank, take initiative and fill it up yourself.  This means you must love yourself, not just with words, but with actions.Make a list of things that fill you with joy, energy, and happiness then do those things every day. Make them a priority. Whether it’s sitting down to enjoy a cup of coffee, calling an old friend, writing in your journal, meditation or yoga, reading out of a good book, or some intense exercise, make a commitment to do the stuff you love religiously… make it as big of a priority as brushing your teeth – which you do regularly (I hope).

Relinquish Inappropriate Control – Did you know that something as simple as telling a man he’s doing something wrong – even when well-intentioned – can be incredibly emasculating? As a man, I feel a sense of pride when I can provide, protect, or otherwise take care of those that I love. Often times, correcting things (especially small things), make us feel like we can’t do anything right. It’s easy to feel defeated, incompetent, and worthless when you can’t even dress yourself, or clean a mirror properly.Sure, many of you may say that I’m being over-sensitive. We men just need to “pony up” and “be a man” when it comes to taking criticism. Well, as a man, I’m telling you from the bottom of my heart: If you want more intimacy in your relationship, think before you speak. Your words can fill us up with courage, open us up to vulnerability, and give us the courage to slay dragons… or they can strip us of our confidence. The ball is in your court.

Receive Graciously - When a man gives you something, whether it’s a gift, a compliment, or some form of help, he’s reaching out in an attempt to connect. It’s a display of his love and care. A rejection or dismissal of his effort to bond with you are not only a rejection of the offer itself, but a rejection of his attempt to connect, and subsequently a rejection of him.Rather than play the “not good enough” card, thank him and tell him how much you appreciate him… because he thinks you’re good enough, and sometimes that’s all that matters.

Respect – For this skill, I quote Mrs. Doyle herself. Her words are just too perfect:

“Lack of respect causes more divorces than cheating does because for men, respect is like oxygen. They need it more than sex. Respect means that you don’t dismiss, criticize, contradict or try to teach him anything. Of course he won’t do things the same way you do; for that, you could have just married yourself. But with your respect, he will once again do the things that amazed and delighted you to begin with — so much so that you married him.”

Gratitude – Good men don’t do kind things with the expectation of thanks, but honestly, nothing is sexier than a woman who regularly expresses gratitude… especially for the things that you don’t expect them to be grateful for. When a woman expresses appreciation for something I did for them, it makes me feel like $1 million. It makes me want to do more nice things more often.Cultivating a habit of expressing gratitude every day will also put you in a mindset of looking for the very best things. When you see and recognize the best in a man, he will rise to the occasion, and become the best version of himself. Your gratitude has the ability to unlock hidden reserves of potential, intimacy, and overwhelming love.

Vulnerability - A truly intimate and trusting relationship requires vulnerability at its very core. Getting naked emotionally with someone often requires a lot more of that trust than getting naked physically with them. Being vulnerable requires honesty and assertiveness, and responsibility. Merely expressing how we feel is now vulnerability. Rather than nagging or criticizing, state your desires. “I feel lonely,” is far more vulnerable than “You never come home on time.” “I miss you so much,” is far more vulnerable than, “When was the last time you took me on a date?”Striving to come to the table palms-open to express your feelings and your needs is courageous… and this approach not only avoids putting men on the defensive, but encourages them to do what they love doing most: step up to the plate and make their women happy.

Most of us do not realize how much individual power we possess to influence, change, and improve our relationships. We get stuck in the tedium of the day-to-day. We forget that little things can make an enormous difference. I hope you have the courage to give these 6 tips a try in your relationship… especially if you see it suffering.

One of the reasons Kiran and MeiMei have one of the most beautiful relationships I've ever witnessed is that they have both failed. Not only have they failed, but they've failed big! They have put their hearts on the line, and swung for the fences only to be met with rejection, or disappointment, or a big old strike-out. What they so desperately dreamed and wanted did not unfold the way they had envisioned. And yet, these big failures did not break them. Kiran and MeiMei choose to use their failures as catalysts for growth and learning. But using failure as an asset is not easy! It requires crazy amounts of courage, because failure is scary! It's this irrational fear of failure that most often stands in the way of our ability to fully live our lives and love others without reservation.

One of the reasons Kiran and MeiMei have one of the most beautiful relationships I’ve ever witnessed is that they have both failed. Not only have they failed, but they’ve failed big! They have put their hearts on the line, and swung for the fences only to be met with rejection, or disappointment, or a big old strike-out. What they so desperately dreamed and wanted did not unfold the way they had envisioned.

And yet, these big failures did not break them.

Kiran and MeiMei choose to use their failures as catalysts for growth and learning. But using failure as an asset is not easy! It requires crazy amounts of courage, because failure is scary!

It’s this irrational fear of failure that most often stands in the way of our ability to fully live our lives and love others without reservation.

Patience: The Art Of Being OK Not Getting What You Want When You Want It I remember that feeling I experienced when I had to wait for each Harry Potter book to be released. For months, and even sometimes years, I'd be left on pins and needles, wondering what was next, who would die, and how Harry would defeat Voldemort. Kids now-a-days who get to read through the whole series without having to wait don't understand the months of anxiety and speculation and drama that preceded the release of each book, and the overwhelming joy that ensued when I finally got my greedy little hands on a copy. I experience similar feelings recently when I got introduced to Breaking Bad. It had been a long time since I had to count down months, then weeks, then days until the big finale. The waiting was almost torturous. I'd find a way to bring the series up in conversation at nearly any opportunity, and when people didn't know what I was talking about, I'd try to convert them. Harry Potter and Walter Wight… They have taught me the virtue of patience. Or at least that's what I thought. It wasn't until I met Roger and Judy that I realized the "patience" I exercised while waiting for cookies to bake in the oven is just a drop in the bucket compared to what is often required to experience a deeply loving and satisfying relationship… the kind of relationship that some people only dream of. When What You Want Means Waiting… Roger and Judy met in a very small town where everybody knew nearly everybody else. One day he walked into a hotel, and saw this beautiful woman with amazing legs answer the phone, and he was sold. He knew they had to be together. Over the next few months as they became fast friends, feelings began to develop. They wanted to be together, but Judy was already married. Her husband – a helicopter pilot – had been sent off to the Vietnam War and was proclaimed Missing in Action after he was shot down behind enemy lines. The military informed Judy that it was highly unlikely that anyone would survive a crash of that nature, but until they were certain, they could not proclaim her husband as Killed in Action. Their friendship grew as Judy overcame the hardship of losing her husband, and Roger patiently acted as a friend and support to her. Even when feelings began to develop between them, they exercised patience, and did not disrespect the vows Judy had made with her missing husband. Over a year later, Judy received confirmation that her husband had, in fact, been killed in action, which allowed for Roger and Judy's relationship began to progress into something more serious. Roger attributes this time of healing, and waiting, and building a solid, steady friendship as essential to creating a the strong, stable foundation their relationship now rests on. The care and love they developed for each other ran incredibly deep before they were ever romantically involved with each other. Their willingness to be patient added a whole new depth and dynamic to their relationship. Sometimes You Get What You Want… Just Not The Way You Planned After getting married, Roger and Judy wanted to have children. It wasn't long before they found out that they couldn't have kids on their own. Anyone who has struggled with this can attest to the fact that it is maximum suckitude. It can take a toll on a relationship. When people get married, nobody plans to not be able to make babies. It's not something you can anticipate. The realization can make a person feel empty and hollow. It can be incredibly overwhelming, emotional, and discouraging. But rather than lose hope, Roger and Judy decided to try for adoption. They filed their paperwork and began the familiar process of waiting. They waited for weeks. Then months. Then a year. They prayed. They hoped. They leaned on each other for strength. They practiced patience until their patience ran out… and then they practiced some more. Then, the call came, and they welcomed their first child into their home. In a matter of years they had 3 more children, all adopted, and all incredibly loved. What does it mean?! I guess the point of all this is that life just doesn't often work the way we expect it to. The plans we make for ourselves are often foiled by serendipity and happenstance. Our biggest struggles and unexpected challenges can lead us to our most satisfying victories. The longest waits often result in the greatest payoff. So, if there's something you're fighting for, or working for, or wishing for… hang in there. Be patient. Keep focusing on that goal. But don't forget to check your peripheral vision. Sometimes the answers we're most ready for aren't exactly where we expect them to appear.

Patience: The Art Of Being OK Not Getting What You Want When You Want It

I remember that feeling I experienced when I had to wait for each Harry Potter book to be released. For months, and even sometimes years, I’d be left on pins and needles, wondering what was next, who would die, and how Harry would defeat Voldemort. Kids now-a-days who get to read through the whole series without having to wait don’t understand the months of anxiety and speculation and drama that preceded the release of each book, and the overwhelming joy that ensued when I finally got my greedy little hands on a copy.

I experience similar feelings recently when I got introduced to Breaking Bad. It had been a long time since I had to count down months, then weeks, then days until the big finale. The waiting was almost torturous. I’d find a way to bring the series up in conversation at nearly any opportunity, and when people didn’t know what I was talking about, I’d try to convert them.

Harry Potter and Walter Wight… They have taught me the virtue of patience.

Or at least that’s what I thought.

It wasn’t until I met Roger and Judy that I realized the “patience” I exercised while waiting for cookies to bake in the oven is just a drop in the bucket compared to what is often required to experience a deeply loving and satisfying relationship… the kind of relationship that some people only dream of.

When What You Want Means Waiting…

Roger and Judy met in a very small town where everybody knew nearly everybody else. One day he walked into a hotel, and saw this beautiful woman with amazing legs answer the phone, and he was sold. He knew they had to be together.

Over the next few months as they became fast friends, feelings began to develop. They wanted to be together, but Judy was already married. Her husband – a helicopter pilot – had been sent off to the Vietnam War and was proclaimed Missing in Action after he was shot down behind enemy lines. The military informed Judy that it was highly unlikely that anyone would survive a crash of that nature, but until they were certain, they could not proclaim her husband as Killed in Action.

Their friendship grew as Judy overcame the hardship of losing her husband, and Roger patiently acted as a friend and support to her.

Even when feelings began to develop between them, they exercised patience, and did not disrespect the vows Judy had made with her missing husband.

Over a year later, Judy received confirmation that her husband had, in fact, been killed in action, which allowed for Roger and Judy’s relationship began to progress into something more serious.

Roger attributes this time of healing, and waiting, and building a solid, steady friendship as essential to creating a the strong, stable foundation their relationship now rests on. The care and love they developed for each other ran incredibly deep before they were ever romantically involved with each other.

Their willingness to be patient added a whole new depth and dynamic to their relationship.

Sometimes You Get What You Want… Just Not The Way You Planned

After getting married, Roger and Judy wanted to have children. It wasn’t long before they found out that they couldn’t have kids on their own.

Anyone who has struggled with this can attest to the fact that it is maximum suckitude. It can take a toll on a relationship. When people get married, nobody plans to not be able to make babies. It’s not something you can anticipate.

The realization can make a person feel empty and hollow. It can be incredibly overwhelming, emotional, and discouraging.

But rather than lose hope, Roger and Judy decided to try for adoption.

They filed their paperwork and began the familiar process of waiting.

They waited for weeks. Then months. Then a year.

They prayed. They hoped. They leaned on each other for strength.

They practiced patience until their patience ran out… and then they practiced some more.

Then, the call came, and they welcomed their first child into their home.

In a matter of years they had 3 more children, all adopted, and all incredibly loved.

What does it mean?!

I guess the point of all this is that life just doesn’t often work the way we expect it to.

The plans we make for ourselves are often foiled by serendipity and happenstance. Our biggest struggles and unexpected challenges can lead us to our most satisfying victories. The longest waits often result in the greatest payoff.

So, if there’s something you’re fighting for, or working for, or wishing for… hang in there. Be patient. Keep focusing on that goal. But don’t forget to check your peripheral vision. Sometimes the answers we’re most ready for aren’t exactly where we expect them to appear.

Alicia and Peter were such a joy to sit down with and interview. Nate and I laughed so hard the entire time. That's the thing about incredible couples: when you're around them, you cannot help but feel more energized, alive, and joyful. It was clear from the way they gazed at one another and laughed together that they were completely comfortable being fully themselves around the other person. In essence, they brought out the best, most authentic versions of each other. That was the first lesson Peter and Alicia taught us: You know you've found a great partner when you can be completely yourself around the other person. This includes not just the positive range of feelings, but also the freedom to be messy, neurotic, and hurting. You're with your partner more than just about anyone else- and the only person you're with more is yourself. So, choose someone who embraces and catalyzes your fullest self. This isn't to say every second is perfect and you should never feel negative feelings in the presence of your partner. It just means you get through them more gracefully, because you feel like you have a teammate rather than an opponent. The second lesson we learned from these two: "Don't be weird." Just be yourself. If someone doesn't like you for the person you really are, they aren't for you. You don't need to do the robot. It also means you have to like yourself, though. Are you happy being you? How do people feel when they are around you? How others tend to feel around you a self reflection of the kind of person you are to others and how much you love yourself. Don't be weird about being your true self- even if your true self is super weird. And the third great takeaway from Peter and Alicia: "People put too much emphasis on things that aren't important, and too little emphasis on things that are." – Peter Make sure you're clear about and proud of your priorities. What's important in a relationship? What's really a big deal, and what isn't worth fighting over? Communicate clearly about how you feel, and be honest with your partner. That honesty, when coming from a loving, well-intentioned place, will make you stronger as a couple. Why? Because there's nothing quite like having a partner you can go through life with, knowing he or she accepts you, even for the things you're embarrassed to admit or afraid to share. That honesty equates to an undeniable freedom, and thus, a deeper love than you could ever imagine. Thanks, Alicia and Peter, for the great interview- and for making us laugh for over an hour straight!

Alicia and Peter were such a joy to sit down with and interview. Nate and I laughed so hard the entire time. That’s the thing about incredible couples: when you’re around them, you cannot help but feel more energized, alive, and joyful.

It was clear from the way they gazed at one another and laughed together that they were completely comfortable being fully themselves around the other person. In essence, they brought out the best, most authentic versions of each other.

That was the first lesson Peter and Alicia taught us:

You know you’ve found a great partner when you can be completely yourself around the other person. This includes not just the positive range of feelings, but also the freedom to be messy, neurotic, and hurting. You’re with your partner more than just about anyone else- and the only person you’re with more is yourself. So, choose someone who embraces and catalyzes your fullest self.

This isn’t to say every second is perfect and you should never feel negative feelings in the presence of your partner. It just means you get through them more gracefully, because you feel like you have a teammate rather than an opponent.

The second lesson we learned from these two:

“Don’t be weird.”

Just be yourself. If someone doesn’t like you for the person you really are, they aren’t for you. You don’t need to do the robot. It also means you have to like yourself, though. Are you happy being you? How do people feel when they are around you? How others tend to feel around you a self reflection of the kind of person you are to others and how much you love yourself.

Don’t be weird about being your true self- even if your true self is super weird.

And the third great takeaway from Peter and Alicia:

“People put too much emphasis on things that aren’t important, and too little emphasis on things that are.” – Peter

Make sure you’re clear about and proud of your priorities. What’s important in a relationship? What’s really a big deal, and what isn’t worth fighting over?

Communicate clearly about how you feel, and be honest with your partner. That honesty, when coming from a loving, well-intentioned place, will make you stronger as a couple.

Why?

Because there’s nothing quite like having a partner you can go through life with, knowing he or she accepts you, even for the things you’re embarrassed to admit or afraid to share. That honesty equates to an undeniable freedom, and thus, a deeper love than you could ever imagine.

Thanks, Alicia and Peter, for the great interview- and for making us laugh for over an hour straight!