Growth Marriage

Do you want your marriage to be rewarding, and happy for over 70 years? Reed and Allene have done exactly that. I believe their relationship has lasted so long, and been so amazing because they have stuck to some incredibly effective and simple (though not always easy) values throughout the entirety of their relationship. Here are a few things you should do if you want your marriage to last as long as theirs: Always Speak Kindly Of Each Other When Allene was younger, she had a speech impediment. Even though we can all admit that it's wrong to tease people for a stutter, or mispronouncing their "R's," we've probably all thought about it. (Ok, I've definitely thought about it.) But Reed's number one priority was always to make Allene feel good about herself. He never made fun of her for the way she spoke. He was always supportive and encouraging. "We make it a point to always speak kindly of each other." They don't gossip about each other. They don't call names, or say hurtful things. They know words carry weight, and you can't take them back. After 70 years of kindness, and compliments, it's no wonder they get along so well. Help Each Other Be At Their Best When Reed got the lead for South Pacific at the university he was attending, Allene said, "Aw, crap!" She knew this meant she that she had to sit in the audience and watch her husband kiss another woman… and do it convincingly. Rather than hold a grudge, or discourage him from pursuing his goals, she decided to help him be the best Emile de Becque that ever was. She helped him rehearse lines, understood when he had to stay late for rehearsals, and attended every performance. His success was more important than her discomfort. The tables were turned later in their marriage when Allene was asked to be the president of a local women's organization for her church. Her leadership role meant she would spend many hours and late nights worrying about, serving, and visiting the women in her congregation. It was a big investment of her time and attention. Rather than complain that his wife was away, or criticize her decision to take on so much responsibility in addition to raising their 7 children, Reed supported her, counseled her, and stayed up late to wait up for her when she was out dealing with unexpected situations. When we help other people achieve their goals and become their best selves, we do not lose anything. We gain everything. When Things Get Tough, Get To Work! At one point in their relationship, Reed and Allene opened a jewelry shop. The shop was robbed several times, and they struggled to pay their debts. Rather than complaining about their circumstances, blaming each other, or asking for a bailout, they went to work. They encouraged each other, took any opportunity that came along, and conquered their challenges head on… together. When things get hard, don't run away from each other, or push each other away. Instead lean on each other, and support one another. Kiss Get in the habit of showing your significant other how much you love them through physical affection. Hug them. Touch them. Hold their hands. Kiss them on the mouth. It's so easy to let physical intimacy grow stale. If you're feeling like things are getting dull, surprise someone with a bit of unexpected (and tender) physical touch and see what happens.

Do you want your marriage to be rewarding, and happy for over 70 years?

Reed and Allene have done exactly that. I believe their relationship has lasted so long, and been so amazing because they have stuck to some incredibly effective and simple (though not always easy) values throughout the entirety of their relationship. Here are a few things you should do if you want your marriage to last as long as theirs:

Always Speak Kindly Of Each Other

When Allene was younger, she had a speech impediment. Even though we can all admit that it’s wrong to tease people for a stutter, or mispronouncing their “R’s,” we’ve probably all thought about it. (Ok, I’ve definitely thought about it.)

But Reed’s number one priority was always to make Allene feel good about herself. He never made fun of her for the way she spoke. He was always supportive and encouraging. “We make it a point to always speak kindly of each other.”

They don’t gossip about each other. They don’t call names, or say hurtful things. They know words carry weight, and you can’t take them back. After 70 years of kindness, and compliments, it’s no wonder they get along so well.

Help Each Other Be At Their Best

When Reed got the lead for South Pacific at the university he was attending, Allene said, “Aw, crap!” She knew this meant she that she had to sit in the audience and watch her husband kiss another woman… and do it convincingly.

Rather than hold a grudge, or discourage him from pursuing his goals, she decided to help him be the best Emile de Becque that ever was. She helped him rehearse lines, understood when he had to stay late for rehearsals, and attended every performance. His success was more important than her discomfort.

The tables were turned later in their marriage when Allene was asked to be the president of a local women’s organization for her church. Her leadership role meant she would spend many hours and late nights worrying about, serving, and visiting the women in her congregation. It was a big investment of her time and attention.

Rather than complain that his wife was away, or criticize her decision to take on so much responsibility in addition to raising their 7 children, Reed supported her, counseled her, and stayed up late to wait up for her when she was out dealing with unexpected situations.

When we help other people achieve their goals and become their best selves, we do not lose anything. We gain everything.

When Things Get Tough, Get To Work!

At one point in their relationship, Reed and Allene opened a jewelry shop. The shop was robbed several times, and they struggled to pay their debts. Rather than complaining about their circumstances, blaming each other, or asking for a bailout, they went to work. They encouraged each other, took any opportunity that came along, and conquered their challenges head on… together.

When things get hard, don’t run away from each other, or push each other away. Instead lean on each other, and support one another.

Kiss

Get in the habit of showing your significant other how much you love them through physical affection. Hug them. Touch them. Hold their hands. Kiss them on the mouth.

 

It’s so easy to let physical intimacy grow stale. If you’re feeling like things are getting dull, surprise someone with a bit of unexpected (and tender) physical touch and see what happens.

Imagine how it would feel to have the most important person in your life suddenly torn away from you without explanation. You are forced to sit and watch your soulmate deteriorate piece by piece as they slip out of your life. You hope and pray every day for a miracle… for just one more day together, one more kiss, one more smile, one more look of affection. Meanwhile, couples all around you choose to give up, throw in the towel, and abandon their relationships when all you want is one more day, one more minute with your true love. The unfairness is almost too cruel to comprehend. Heidi lost her husband, Benji, to cancer one month ago at the young age of 32. During that time, they learned to live in the moment, making the best of every day they had together. Fighting and arguing was a waste of time. During their marriage, the most serious disagreements Benji and Heidi ever had came were a result of differences of opinion on how to spend the money, or Heidi getting after Benji for being messy. Looking back, Heidi says she'd give anything to have to clean up after him again. Life is so incredibly fragile. We never know when the things or people most important to us will slip through our fingers. Here is my challenge to you: If there is something that is a source of contention in your relationship today – be it with your spouse, a friend, a parent, or a sibling – ask yourself, "If I were to wake up tomorrow and this person had been taken from me, would this issue matter at all?" Let go of petty differences. Admit you're wrong, even if you don't feel you're wrong. Say you're sorry. Fighting and arguing are a waste of time in this short life. Now go out and tell someone you love them.

Imagine how it would feel to have the most important person in your life suddenly torn away from you without explanation.

You are forced to sit and watch your soulmate deteriorate piece by piece as they slip out of your life. You hope and pray every day for a miracle… for just one more day together, one more kiss, one more smile, one more look of affection.

Meanwhile, couples all around you choose to give up, throw in the towel, and abandon their relationships when all you want is one more day, one more minute with your true love.

The unfairness is almost too cruel to comprehend.

Heidi lost her husband, Benji, to cancer one month ago at the young age of 32. During that time, they learned to live in the moment, making the best of every day they had together.

Fighting and arguing was a waste of time.

During their marriage, the most serious disagreements Benji and Heidi ever had came were a result of differences of opinion on how to spend the money, or Heidi getting after Benji for being messy. Looking back, Heidi says she’d give anything to have to clean up after him again.

Life is so incredibly fragile. We never know when the things or people most important to us will slip through our fingers. Here is my challenge to you:

If there is something that is a source of contention in your relationship today – be it with your spouse, a friend, a parent, or a sibling – ask yourself, “If I were to wake up tomorrow and this person had been taken from me, would this issue matter at all?”

Let go of petty differences. Admit you’re wrong, even if you don’t feel you’re wrong. Say you’re sorry. Fighting and arguing are a waste of time in this short life.

Now go out and tell someone you love them.

True Love still exists...you just have to listen.

True Love still exists...you just have to listen.

Most of us monogamous folks have hefty assumptions about plural marriage. Particularly in the case of polygyny (when a man is married to more than one wife), these descriptions aren't uncommon: Misogynistic. Exploitive. Unethical. Ungodly. Distasteful. Selfish. Sexist. But, how much do you know about it, really? How many of us have actually ever interacted with a polygamous family? (And, no, watching Big Love doesn't count). Growing up, polygamy was a concept semi-grasped intellectually, but I had no observational understanding of it. In doing my research to prepare for this interview, I came across this very interesting statistic: Globally, in a survey of 1,231 societies, only 186 were monogamous. Among the rest, 588 had frequent polygyny, 453 had occasional polygyny, and 4 practiced polyandry (when one woman is married to more than one husband at a time). (Source: Ethnographic Atlas) …That means only about 15% of societies are monogamous. This statistic alone raises a plethora of questions: Is polygamy the human tendency? Is monogamy the reason for our high rate of divorce in America? Are the reasons for polygamy around the world primarily economic? What does the Bible have to say about all of this? Is it more unnatural to be married to multiple people…or to one? There are so many more, and this interview only covers the very tip of the iceberg. But, what I can tell you about my experience during the interview is this: The Darger family had some of the most interesting things to say about love and marriage. Any assumptions I had going into it completely melted away within moments of sitting down with them. We were greeted with open arms and hearts. The husband, Joe Darger, said, "I feel undeserving of these three women." The wives, while admitting to struggles with jealousy, seemed to love not just their husband—but also one another. I listened to the pitter patter of their children's happy feet in the background (they have 26 kids in total, with 16 still living with them), and felt their warmth toward one another. Polygamy is, perhaps, uncommon and frowned upon by most Americans. But, it is also misunderstood. While my heart still desires a loving, monogamous relationship, I now have a deeper understanding of polygamy—and why some people choose it. No matter what your stance on the topic, give this podcast a listen. If you take away from it what I did, you'll come out of this episode with an appreciation of people who love differently than you—and a richer knowledge of what it means to love big, communicate well, and honor the commitment of marriage.

Most of us monogamous folks have hefty assumptions about plural marriage. Particularly in the case of polygyny (when a man is married to more than one wife), these descriptions aren’t uncommon:

Misogynistic. Exploitive. Unethical. Ungodly. Distasteful. Selfish. Sexist.

But, how much do you know about it, really? How many of us have actually ever interacted with a polygamous family? (And, no, watching Big Love doesn’t count).

Growing up, polygamy was a concept semi-grasped intellectually, but I had no observational understanding of it. In doing my research to prepare for this interview, I came across this very interesting statistic:

Globally, in a survey of 1,231 societies, only 186 were monogamous. Among the rest, 588 had frequent polygyny, 453 had occasional polygyny, and 4 practiced polyandry (when one woman is married to more than one husband at a time). (Source: Ethnographic Atlas)

…That means only about 15% of societies are monogamous.

This statistic alone raises a plethora of questions: 

Is polygamy the human tendency? 

Is monogamy the reason for our high rate of divorce in America? 

Are the reasons for polygamy around the world primarily economic? 

What does the Bible have to say about all of this? Is it more unnatural to be married to multiple people…or to one?

There are so many more, and this interview only covers the very tip of the iceberg.

But, what I can tell you about my experience during the interview is this:

The Darger family had some of the most interesting things to say about love and marriage. Any assumptions I had going into it completely melted away within moments of sitting down with them. We were greeted with open arms and hearts.

The husband, Joe Darger, said, “I feel undeserving of these three women.” The wives, while admitting to struggles with jealousy, seemed to love not just their husband—but also one another. I listened to the pitter patter of their children’s happy feet in the background (they have 26 kids in total, with 16 still living with them), and felt their warmth toward one another.

Polygamy is, perhaps, uncommon and frowned upon by most Americans. But, it is also misunderstood.

While my heart still desires a loving, monogamous relationship, I now have a deeper understanding of polygamy—and why some people choose it.

No matter what your stance on the topic, give this podcast a listen. If you take away from it what I did, you’ll come out of this episode with an appreciation of people who love differently than you—and a richer knowledge of what it means to love big, communicate well, and honor the commitment of marriage.

True Love still exists...you just have to listen.

True Love still exists...you just have to listen.