Growth Marriage

Religions Preach Virtue… But Do They Do It Right? Most religions throughout the world ask their members to follow a model of sexual purity. The rules and consequences vary in their intensity from church to church, but I believe the overall intention is typically good and pure. However, anything – including good things – if taken to an extreme can be damaging. Self-confidence if taken to an extreme can become self-absorption. An optimist can quickly become unrealistic. Loyalty can become blindness. Honesty can become rudeness. Courage can become recklessness. Virtue and chastity, if taken to an extreme, also possess a dark side. When sexual purity is celebrated, sexuality tends to become demonized. Sex, and even feelings of pleasure, begin to be associated with extreme feelings of guilt and shame. People develop a fear of their own bodies. Misperceptions of Virtue = Bad Sex Unintentionally, we create a culture of unhealthy sexual beings. Religious individuals get married and are so scared of sexual arousal that they don't have sex for weeks or even months. Or, when they do have sex, it's associated with guilt and feelings of evil and darkness. Many couples never have good, enjoyable sex because they never explored their own bodies to understand what makes them feel good. Nor do they feel they have a right to feel good. Sexual pleasure has been portrayed as something evil. How sad that something so beautiful, and intimate – when taken to an extreme – can tear an otherwise healthy relationship apart. What Sex Should Be Sex should be something that brings couples together. It is the ultimate act of unity. It is foundation of the creation of family, and the most physical manifestation of love and vulnerability. Good sex requires work, communication, openness, selflessness, and a willingness to be in the moment and experience pleasure. If religious-types want to raise informed and sexually healthy individuals (which I believe most do), it might be time to reframe some of the ways we teach virtue and chastity. The following is a great start, developed by Kristin Hodson and Alisha Worthington, the guests on today's podcast. If you want to learn more about the BE HEALTHY process, and hear a bit more about how to find a healthy sexual balance for yourself, check out the podcast (at the top of the screen). BE HEALTHY Balance intimacy (physical, spiritual, emotional, sexual – pyramid) Embrace your growth edge (based on trust and Risk not safety) Have realistic expectations on range of experiences (how sex is like dining, good enough sex) Engaging your partner (being deliberate, increase the eros, flirt, desire to desire) Authenticity (be present in your sex—emotions, sensations – wanting to known and be known as you/they are) Learn how your body works and your partners (this also includes knowing your sexual history) Take time and treat it like a skill (schedule it – make it matter) Have conversation and negotiate You know best (sexual agent – trust your experience, not looking to other sources to be experts on you)

Religions Preach Virtue… But Do They Do It Right?

Most religions throughout the world ask their members to follow a model of sexual purity. The rules and consequences vary in their intensity from church to church, but I believe the overall intention is typically good and pure. However, anything – including good things – if taken to an extreme can be damaging.

Self-confidence if taken to an extreme can become self-absorption. An optimist can quickly become unrealistic. Loyalty can become blindness. Honesty can become rudeness. Courage can become recklessness.

Virtue and chastity, if taken to an extreme, also possess a dark side. When sexual purity is celebrated, sexuality tends to become demonized. Sex, and even feelings of pleasure, begin to be associated with extreme feelings of guilt and shame. People develop a fear of their own bodies.

Misperceptions of Virtue = Bad Sex

Unintentionally, we create a culture of unhealthy sexual beings. Religious individuals get married and are so scared of sexual arousal that they don’t have sex for weeks or even months. Or, when they do have sex, it’s associated with guilt and feelings of evil and darkness.

Many couples never have good, enjoyable sex because they never explored their own bodies to understand what makes them feel good. Nor do they feel they have a right to feel good. Sexual pleasure has been portrayed as something evil.

How sad that something so beautiful, and intimate – when taken to an extreme – can tear an otherwise healthy relationship apart.

What Sex Should Be

Sex should be something that brings couples together. It is the ultimate act of unity. It is foundation of the creation of family, and the most physical manifestation of love and vulnerability.

Good sex requires work, communication, openness, selflessness, and a willingness to be in the moment and experience pleasure.

If religious-types want to raise informed and sexually healthy individuals (which I believe most do), it might be time to reframe some of the ways we teach virtue and chastity.

The following is a great start, developed by Kristin Hodson and Alisha Worthington, the guests on today’s podcast. If you want to learn more about the BE HEALTHY process, and hear a bit more about how to find a healthy sexual balance for yourself, check out the podcast (at the top of the screen).

BE HEALTHY

Balance intimacy (physical, spiritual, emotional, sexual – pyramid)

Embrace your growth edge (based on trust and Risk not safety)

Have realistic expectations on range of experiences (how sex is like dining, good enough sex)

Engaging your partner (being deliberate, increase the eros, flirt, desire to desire)

Authenticity (be present in your sex—emotions, sensations – wanting to known and be known as you/they are)

Learn how your body works and your partners (this also includes knowing your sexual history)

Take time and treat it like a skill (schedule it – make it matter)

Have conversation and negotiate

 

You know best (sexual agent – trust your experience, not looking to other sources to be experts on you)

What Is Addiction? Whenever I hear the word "Addiction" I think of a junkie in the back of a dark alley shooting up, or an angry, violent husband who beats his wife, or a college student blacked out in a puddle of his own vomit. And yes, addiction is all those things… but it's not solely confined to those extremes. Addiction is a much more intricate, widespread, and personal issue than it is often portrayed. Essentially an addiction is an unnatural compulsion or dependency on a substance or action. One of the most widely-accepted myths regarding addiction is that it functions like a light switch. You're not addicted until you cross some ambiguous moral line, and then suddenly you find yourself on an episode of "Intervention." Suddenly, you're addicted. Addiction is not binary. It is spectral. Just like cancer, addiction can be mild or very extreme. The right treatment depends on the severity in each individual case. Addiction is not always debilitating. You can be addicted to alcohol without blacking out in a bathroom stall every weekend. You can be addicted to porn and only consume it once every few weeks. You can even be addicted to love, or kindness if you're using it as an emotional escape, or a coping mechanism to avoid your reality. (Don't believe me? Listen to the podcast above.) Addiction Is A Disease Addiction is a disease of the mind just like diabetes or cancer is a disease of the body. All too often, those affected by addiction see it as a harmful decision that just needs to be stopped with the simple choice to "not do it anymore." It's similar to blaming a cancer patient for not wearing sun screen. At this point, you can't un-choose something. You have the disease. The only cure is proper treatment. The best way to deal with addiction is to avoid blame and accusation. Instead, we need to promote education, empathy, love, and understanding. Otherwise, addiction will terrorize our relationships, and leave them an empty shell of what they had the potential to become. Twelve-step programs are an amazing resource for those with addictions and those people who are affected by addicts. Addiction affects us all.. and together is the only way we'll overcome it.

What Is Addiction?

Whenever I hear the word “Addiction” I think of a junkie in the back of a dark alley shooting up, or an angry, violent husband who beats his wife, or a college student blacked out in a puddle of his own vomit.

And yes, addiction is all those things… but it’s not solely confined to those extremes. Addiction is a much more intricate, widespread, and personal issue than it is often portrayed.

Essentially an addiction is an unnatural compulsion or dependency on a substance or action.

One of the most widely-accepted myths regarding addiction is that it functions like a light switch. You’re not addicted until you cross some ambiguous moral line, and then suddenly you find yourself on an episode of “Intervention.” Suddenly, you’re addicted.

Addiction is not binary. It is spectral.

Just like cancer, addiction can be mild or very extreme. The right treatment depends on the severity in each individual case.

Addiction is not always debilitating. You can be addicted to alcohol without blacking out in a bathroom stall every weekend. You can be addicted to porn and only consume it once every few weeks. You can even be addicted to love, or kindness if you’re using it as an emotional escape, or a coping mechanism to avoid your reality. (Don’t believe me? Listen to the podcast above.)

Addiction Is A Disease

Addiction is a disease of the mind just like diabetes or cancer is a disease of the body. All too often, those affected by addiction see it as a harmful decision that just needs to be stopped with the simple choice to “not do it anymore.” It’s similar to blaming a cancer patient for not wearing sun screen. At this point, you can’t un-choose something. You have the disease. The only cure is proper treatment.

The best way to deal with addiction is to avoid blame and accusation. Instead, we need to promote education, empathy, love, and understanding. Otherwise, addiction will terrorize our relationships, and leave them an empty shell of what they had the potential to become.

Twelve-step programs are an amazing resource for those with addictions and those people who are affected by addicts.

 

Addiction affects us all.. and together is the only way we’ll overcome it.

Holy crap we're talking about porn! Yup, Porn… that thing that so many of us quietly indulge in behind closed and locked doors. That thing that causes the hyper-conservatives to recoil in fear. That thing that causes religious leaders and mothers alike to shudder at its very mention. For many people, porn has become as much a part of every day life as a regular bowel movement. We sit in a darkened room staring at a screen, clicking a mouse, opening dozens of tabs. Buffering… buffering… buffering… Always on the lookout for that perfect scene. Watching for something new and exciting. Envisioning the ultimate erotic fantasy. People say looking at porn is completely normal. It isn't hurting anyone. I've been one of those people. I've been the lonely, depressed, or just plain horny guy who just needed a safe and private sexual outlet. I've been the guy who said, "I can stop looking at porn when I find a girlfriend or get married. No problem." I've been the guy who felt insecure, helpless, lonely and ashamed. I've felt unwanted because, as I've heard over and over and over in one way or another in my life, "Who would ever want to be with someone who looks at that disgusting stuff?" There are countless people who feel stuck. They're hooked and they don't even know it. Their only escape from porn is more porn. Thousands of wrecked relationships that are living proof that porn can be devastating to love. Nobody sits down to dinner with friends and says with a twinkle in their eye, "You know what? Me and porn, we have such a great thing going. I'm just really happy with our relationship. I think we're really going places." We have a problem. It's time to fix it. And to fix it, we need to be willing to talk about it and learn about it.

Holy crap we’re talking about porn!

Yup, Porn… that thing that so many of us quietly indulge in behind closed and locked doors. That thing that causes the hyper-conservatives to recoil in fear. That thing that causes religious leaders and mothers alike to shudder at its very mention.

For many people, porn has become as much a part of every day life as a regular bowel movement. We sit in a darkened room staring at a screen, clicking a mouse, opening dozens of tabs. Buffering… buffering… buffering…

Always on the lookout for that perfect scene.

Watching for something new and exciting.

Envisioning the ultimate erotic fantasy.

People say looking at porn is completely normal. It isn’t hurting anyone.

I’ve been one of those people.

I’ve been the lonely, depressed, or just plain horny guy who just needed a safe and private sexual outlet. I’ve been the guy who said, “I can stop looking at porn when I find a girlfriend or get married. No problem.” I’ve been the guy who felt insecure, helpless, lonely and ashamed. I’ve felt unwanted because, as I’ve heard over and over and over in one way or another in my life, “Who would ever want to be with someone who looks at that disgusting stuff?”

There are countless people who feel stuck. They’re hooked and they don’t even know it. Their only escape from porn is more porn. Thousands of wrecked relationships that are living proof that porn can be devastating to love.

Nobody sits down to dinner with friends and says with a twinkle in their eye, “You know what? Me and porn, we have such a great thing going. I’m just really happy with our relationship. I think we’re really going places.”

 

We have a problem. It’s time to fix it. And to fix it, we need to be willing to talk about it and learn about it.

Jeff and Kelly are two of my best friends. They were in town last week and hinted that they'd love to be interviewed for the podcast. I'm so glad I got to interview them. One of my favorite moments in this conversation comes towards the end of the conversation. I asked the couple what they were looking forward to in the next 50 years of marriage. The entire conversation to that point had been dedicated to what they had learn, done, and accomplished together. I could see that the question took them a little off-guard. After a moment of contemplation, Jeff looked at me and said that what he was looking forward to most was helping his wife fulfill her dreams. The first several years of their marriage had revolved so much around his goals… grad school, moving around the country pursuing several different jobs, working long hours, etc. His desire is to make the next chapter about her. I love this for two reasons. It shows that a relationship requires both parties to be sensitive not only to each others needs… but their desires. When was the last time you asked the person you loved what big goals they hope to achieve? More importantly, what did you do to help them do it? It shows how important it is to grow together as a couple. If one person is consuming all of the resources and emotional energy of the couple, they are not growing together. If you are not sharing the big responsibilities of your relationship… at least a little (see: Jeff not being recognized by his kids then making it a priority to be home to help put the kids to bed) the relationship suffers. I love Jeff and Kelly, and I hope you enjoy their episode. (Sorry I montaged the first 2 minutes, Jeff. I couldn't help it.)

Jeff and Kelly are two of my best friends. They were in town last week and hinted that they’d love to be interviewed for the podcast. I’m so glad I got to interview them.

One of my favorite moments in this conversation comes towards the end of the conversation. I asked the couple what they were looking forward to in the next 50 years of marriage. The entire conversation to that point had been dedicated to what they had learn, done, and accomplished together. I could see that the question took them a little off-guard.

After a moment of contemplation, Jeff looked at me and said that what he was looking forward to most was helping his wife fulfill her dreams. The first several years of their marriage had revolved so much around his goals… grad school, moving around the country pursuing several different jobs, working long hours, etc. His desire is to make the next chapter about her.

I love this for two reasons.

It shows that a relationship requires both parties to be sensitive not only to each others needs… but their desires. When was the last time you asked the person you loved what big goals they hope to achieve? More importantly, what did you do to help them do it?

It shows how important it is to grow together as a couple. If one person is consuming all of the resources and emotional energy of the couple, they are not growing together. If you are not sharing the big responsibilities of your relationship… at least a little (see: Jeff not being recognized by his kids then making it a priority to be home to help put the kids to bed) the relationship suffers.

 

I love Jeff and Kelly, and I hope you enjoy their episode. (Sorry I montaged the first 2 minutes, Jeff. I couldn’t help it.)

A man's wife undergoes brain surgery and emerges a completely different woman. (Her personality was altered.) Find out why he has chosen to stay with her for the last 30 years regardless of her becoming a completely different person than the one he married.

A man's wife undergoes brain surgery and emerges a completely different woman. (Her personality was altered.) Find out why he has chosen to stay with her for the last 30 years regardless of her becoming a completely different person than the one he married.