Growth Marriage

About once a week I get a message from someone asking what to do about porn... Here's how it usually plays out. (Not always... but usually.) Husband secretly watches porn. He's been doing it off-and-on for a while. Often times it's when he's feeling lonely, stressed, overwhelmed, or depressed... He hates himself for it because it's against his values... He feels like he can't stop... And he's afraid that if his wife finds out, she'll divorce him and he'll lose everything. Then, his wife finds out...

I've been listening to a 35-hour lecture series called "Maps of Meaning" by Dr. Jordan Peterson, an author and psychology professor. The lectures are an exploration of the psychological principles and ideas that give meaning to life. A few weeks ago I was driving home from the hardware store in a rain storm with a friend of mine. We were listening to the last few minutes of the final lecture when something Dr. Peterson said hit me with a ton of bricks I find myself thinking about that little section of his lecture often. I've re-listened to that 8 minute excerpt at least a dozen times. In that excerpt, Dr. Peterson asks a question… and to my estimation, it might be the most important question you could ask yourself. How much good could you do if you oriented yourself towards the greatest possible good? There's so much possibility built into that question. First is the fact that you are capable of doing good. Second, there is an implication that you're capable of being a better version of yourself (more aligned with the greatest possible good) than you are right now. Third is the idea that you may not know just how much good you could do. You likely have more capacity for doing good than you can even imagine. And fourth, you can do SO much good even when faced with extreme suffering. Your circumstances don't determine how aligned you are with the greatest good. Peterson advises that if you want to test out the power of this idea in your life, the best way to start is by taking responsibility for something in your life that you 1) have control over, and 2) want to change. So… Because I am who I am, and I do what I do, I want to pose a question to you… Is your marriage as good as it could be? As a partner, are your actions, words, and thoughts aligned with the greatest possible good? Are there issues you face, burdens you carry, or conflicts you struggle with that could be overcome if you let go of your resentment and hatred? How would your relationship with your partner change if you TRULY started striving towards the highest possible good? It's hard to know. But one thing is for certain, we can all be better. All of us. And there's NO way to know what kind of impact we could have on our marriages, families, communities, and beyond if we were simply… better. If we gave the people we loved regular, meaningful compliments. If we looked for ways to remove suffering from their lives. If we took responsibility for our own self-esteem, and didn't require our partners to prop us up and make us feel good. If we greeted them with a smile and a loving hug every day. If we truly cared about their problems, and desired that they have a fulfilling life. If we were willing to always assume good intentions of our partner, or if we worked to tame our tempers, or to take an interest in the people and things that are most important to them. Can you imagine how things might change? It's impossible to measure the impact this one small idea could have on our lives. Maybe this is too cerebral or idealistic... but I believe it could change the world. And if you want a place to start aligning your thoughts, actions, words, and desires with the highest possible good, check out the Are We Roommates? Summit. It's jam-packed with ideas from the world's top relationship experts. I think you'll love it.

I have a confession to make… My marriage has slipped into Roommate Syndrome. I could blame it on a lot of things: My wife surprised me with an announcement last year that she was pregnant… which was AWESOME! But it also meant that the next few months were full of nausea, exhaustion, and weird food aversions, which made date night hard. Then COVID hit. My wife is an ICU nurse, so she's been on the front lines, dealing with this pandemic mess. It's been very stressful. And to keep everyone safe, we have been VERY quarantined for the last 8 months. We rarely go out to eat. We haven't been on vacations. And then baby Aurora arrived. Along with all the cuteness came diaper changes, puke, late nights, and feedings every 2.5 hours. And of course, intercourse was off the table. So… We mostly just sit around and watch Netflix in our sweats. *shudder* It was a few weeks ago when I realized it. It was embarrassing to admit. We had let our marriage drift into Roommate Syndrome. We were in a serious slump. And I help people create epic marriages for a living!!! I knew I had to do something. I didn't care how many forces were working against us, we were not going to get stuck in this black hole of passionless mediocrity. So, I did the only thing I could think of. I reached out to 30 of my favorite marriage experts. I said, "I can't be the only one dealing with this right now… and I want to DO something about it!" They were on board! So I interviewed them all separately and asked them one important question: "If you had to get your marriage out of Roommate Syndrome in 30 days, what would you do to get that spark back and make sure you never ended up in Roommate Syndrome again?!" The answers I got were incredible. They changed my life. (I'm not wearing sweats anymore, and last week, my wife and I went on a proper date – at home, mind you, but still a date!) And they will change your life too. You can get those interviews for free here, but only for a limited time starting on December 8th. Don't miss out!

"My husband is just an extra child I have to take care of." "I feel more like his maid than his lover." "If I don't take care of everything, nothing would ever get done around here." These are the types of statements I hear from "Overfunctioners." What's an Overfunctioner? Ultimately, it's one way you might manage your anxiety. We all do it from time to time. (But women tend to overfunction more often than men.) Here's how it works… It all starts when you start to worry that something important might not get done. "Will my husband stay on the health plan the doctor put him on?" "Will my son turn off his video game and take out the trash before our guests arrive tonight? "Will my daughter finish her math homework? She's in danger of failing that class…" "Will my dad take his meds so he can control his blood pressure?" You worry because you have NO control over whether or not these things will actually get done. And because it's all outside your control, your brain starts to do HORRIBLIZE. You start thinking about the most horrible scenario that could play out if these things don't get done. "If my husband doesn't stay on the health plan, he might have an early heart attack and die!" "If my son doesn't take out the trash, our guests are going to think we are uncivilized slobs!" "If my daughter fails math, she'll never get into college… and then she'll never move out, find a creer, get married, or have a family!" "If my dad doesn't take his meds, he's going to die tomorrow, and mom will have to move in with us! I'm not ready to plan a funeral!" When you start to HORRIBLIZE, it makes you very anxious. And when you get anxious, you start thinking of solutions to get rid of the anxiety… And that's when you have the brilliant idea! It's the answer to all your worries! "What if I just wake up extra early to make my husband a healthy lunch every morning, then I take out the trash, then I sit next to my daughter to make sure she does her math homework correctly, and then I call my dad every night to make sure he takes his meds?! "If I just put myself in charge of all of this stuff it will definitely get done. Which means, BONUS… I don't have to worry about it anymore!" Genius, right? And the best part of all? Everyone thinks you're pretty amazing for being the engine that keeps your marriage, your family, and your friendships going. At first you feel a bit like a hero. You love that everyone depends on you. It makes you feel important. Valuable. Irreplaceable. But, after a while, you start to realize that people have started see your help as an expectation, not as a kindness. And eventually, you start to feel resentful. What used to feel like an act of love and service now feels like a burdensome obligation that has been placed on your shoulders. And then you reach a breaking point and your world comes crashing down... You learn that your husband regularly leaves your thoughtful, pre-packed lunches in the fridge at work so he can go to "business lunches" at restaurants with colleagues… Your son is driving you nuts, because he never does his chores, and refuses to turn off his video games... Your daughter makes you want to pull your hair out because she has learned that if she plays stupid for long enough, you'll just do her math homework for her… And every time you talk to your dad it ends up in an argument about his health. You don't talk about anything but his pills anymore. You can't live like this anymore! "Am I the only one who cares about getting anything done around here?!" "If I just disappeared tomorrow, their whole world would fall apart." "They have NO idea how much I do for them that they completely take for granted!" You'd do anything for the people you love… So, why don't they love you enough to see that you're burned out and lend a hand… or at least say thank you? UGH! (Is this hitting home yet?) So… what's the solution to dealing with the resentment? Well, one solution would be to stop doing everything for everyone. But that terrifies you. What if they don't follow through?! Or worse… what if they try to do it, but they fail or do it wrong? The anxiety that comes with watching the people you love fail is too great. So, you opt for option #2… You complain. You start nagging your husband. You start harping on your kids. You call your friends to gripe about how everyone misbehaves and takes you for granted. You seek validation from anyone who will listen. Meanwhile, everyone starts to resent you for being a giant fun-sucking, black hole of happiness. You become unpleasable, angry, and no fun to be around. You whine that nobody helps you. Then when people try to help you, you complain that they're doing it wrong. There's no winning. You're miserable. They're miserable. Everyone's miserable. All because of a little anxiety that you just wanted to go away. So… how do you fix it? How do you stop overfunctioning? That's what we talked about in today's interview with Dr. Kathleen Smith, author of Everything Isn't Terrible: Conquer Your Insecurities, Interrupt Your Anxiety, and Finally Calm Down.

This week I listened to a podcast featuring a guy named Richie Norton as the guest. In his mid-20's he was invited by Stephen M. R. Covey (son of Stephen R. Covey… the 7 Habits guy) to help train business professionals to be better leaders. When he was offered the opportunity he freaked out. He felt too young and inexperienced for the gig. "You want me to go train these grey-hairs? What are they going to think?" Mr. Covey responded with some epic advice: "A lot of people say they have 20 years of experience when in reality they only have 1 year of experience 20 times." BOOM! This perfectly summarizes why I hate it when people say they (or someone they know) have a great marriage because they've been together for XX years. Just because you've been married for a few decades doesn't mean you've been successful at marriage. Sometimes it just means you're really good at enduring being miserable and walking on eggshells, or you've just stopped caring, or you're too scared to speak up and say what you've got isn't what you want… cause the relationship you've got - as bad as it is - might be as good as it gets. Have you noticed the problems you have in your marriage are almost always different versions of the same thing? The same argument about how you spend or save your money, or the same argument about who initiates sex, or the same argument about which in-laws you visit over the holidays… It sucks to feel stuck in a cycle like this! I hate it. Yet I see it ALL THE TIME. This is what I call mediocre love… reliving the same arguments, struggles, disappointments, frustrations, and challenges year over and over and over for decades. If you want an incredible marriage you've gotta get unstuck! You need to grow, to learn, to improve, to advance, to invest in the things that matter. You need to confront your shortcomings, to speak up, to assess what works, what doesn't and what needs to change. And you can't do this just once. You have to be doing it consistently! There is ALWAYS room to grow. Think of your life experience. Do you have X years experience, or 1 year of experience X times? Are you stuck in one area of your life? If you are stuck, what do you need to learn to get unstuck? What do you need to get better at? What conversation do you need to have that you've been avoiding? What needs to change in you so that you can have a different outcome? If you need help figuring out how to break out of the cycle you're stuck in, let's talk. -Nate

I'm sick of seeing so many couples and friends be completely lied to by their therapists. So, I figured it's finally time to lay out some seriously-needed education. Therapists are the people we trust with our deepest, darkest, most personal and oftentimes shameful secrets. They're supposed to help us navigate the most turbulent and challenging times in our lives. We trust their counsel explicitly and without question because, well, they're professional counselors. But there's something the therapist community rarely talks about that you should absolutely know before choosing a therapist! A good therapist will let you in on the secret, but most won't… because if they tell you they might lose your business. To understand what I'm about to reveal, you have to understand how a therapist becomes a therapist. Where do Therapists Come From? Most people don't know there are at least half-a-dozen different ways you can become a therapist. You can become a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) often referred to as a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), a psychologist, a psychiatrist, or a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). Even though each of these degrees will provide you the title "therapist," the stuff they teach you in each program is completely different. It's similar to the way doctors work: You've got ear nose and throat doctors, pediatricians, cardiologists, pulmonologists, orthopedics, etc. They all call themselves doctors, and they probably took the same courses in their first year of med school, but the specialized training they receive is just that: specialized. The patients doctors serve and how they apply their skills is completely different based on their training. The same is true for therapists. They have specialized training. Here are a few examples: Some therapy grads might get most of their training on how to work with patients in a hospital system, while others learn to counsel students inside the school system. There are therapists who get lots of their education helping adolescents overcome substance abuse, eating disorders or addictions, and some who learn specifically about treating entire family systems, while others learn how to help couples overcome struggles in their marriage. Now, back to the doctor analogy... if you have a bad case of pneumonia, I'm guessing you wouldn't want to see a gynecologist. You'd want to see a pulmonologist, right? The same should hold true for your mental and emotional health! Mothers with postpartum depression shouldn't be meeting with a therapist who specializes in helping teenage boys overcome their addiction to adderall. It wouldn't make any sense, and the therapist likely isn't qualified to properly treat such a patient. A therapist "mismatch" can be really harmful… and it does happen quite frequently. But it doesn't stop there! Treatment Methods Beyond the differences in training a therapist receives in school, and even the types of struggles they've trained to help people through, there's another layer of differences which might be the most important: Different therapists specialize in different treatment methods called "modalities." For example, one therapist might use equine therapy (therapy with horses) to help a client learn to build trust, while another therapist might use recreational therapy (physical exercise and training) and have their client exercise in a group setting to achieve a similar outcome. Some therapists use art therapy, some prefer music therapy, a lot of therapists use emotionally focused therapy (EFT) which focuses on how people form emotional attachments to and bond with others. A lot of marriage therapists will likely use the Gottman Method, which focuses more on teaching skills and techniques to practice in parenting and marriage. Mastering many of these modalities require hundreds of hours of study and training. And different treatment methods work better for different people. Do you see how if you're not familiar with this industry, it can be really misleading and very confusing? And I'm not even finished yet! There is one more bit of crucial information that many therapists won't tell you about. If you know me, you know spend nearly every waking hour studying, writing about, or thinking about marriage and relationships. I was shocked to find that of the 500,000+ therapists in the US, only a tiny percent (less than 10%) have any formal training or education specific to couples or marriages. And... Of those who do work with couples, only a tiny portion have any training or education around... wait for it... sex! (Not trying to put myself on a pedestal, but simply from my own curiosity and voracious reading, self-directed research over the last few years, and attending a dozen seminars from the world's top sex experts - even without grad school - I probably have more training and education around sex and marriage than most therapists.) If all that wasn't enough... Here's the icing on the cake - any therapist can call themselves a Relationship Therapist or Sex Therapist! There isn't any title control in the industry. That means right now, it's completely possible for a therapist who has only ever studied and worked with anxious toddlers to wake up one day, decide to switch gears, change their title to "Sex Therapist" and, that very afternoon, label a client a "sex addict" . . . when they themselves have had no specialized training in sex, intimacy and sexual addictions! That absolutely boggles my mind. (This is exactly why I've paired up with Certified Sex Therapist, Kristin Hodson to spend an entire season talking about sex on the next season of my podcast, The Loveumentary. You should absolutely check it out.) Despite all the complexity and nuance in the therapy world, I think it's important for you to have someone to talk to - especially about you relationship - so I've put together a list of tips to help you find the perfect therapist for you. How To Choose A Therapist How on earth are you supposed to choose a good therapist with so many variables in play? Finding the right therapist can take a little work and a lot of time. If you're smart, you'll find an awesome therapist before you actually need one. To help you out, I've put together a few tips to help you find the right therapist for you: Do your research Most therapists have a profile on Psychology Today. Their specialties will be listed right on their profile. If they say the specialize working with kids, and teens, and couples, that's not a great sign. Look for someone who has spent their career helping people just like you. If you need help with your marriage, do you want to work with the guy who has helped hundreds of couples improve their marriages or the guy who wants to mix it up a little from all the substance abuse cases he sees every week? The more specific their profile is, the more specialized and trained they're likely to be. If they don't list the modalities they use, call or email them and ask! If you're not sure what the differences in modalities are, ask. Ask how they work, what the experience would be like for you, and what kinds of results their clients have had in seeking healing through the various methods. Ask for a free consultation, even if it's not advertised. A good therapist knows they're more likely to gain your business if they can gain your trust. Know What You Want Some people want a therapist because they need an emotional safe haven where they can work through their struggles every week. Other people want to address a problem, fix it, and never see their therapist again. Neither one of these is right or wrong, but being clear about what you want or need out of a therapist will impact which therapist you choose. Would you prefer to talk to a man or a woman? Is it important to you that they understand your religious background, cultural upbringing, or sexual orientation? Is their career experience more important than having good therapist/patient chemistry between the two of you? Do you need someone who will stand up to you and push back on you if you need some tough love, or someone who will be a gentle guide, and provide a safe space for you to unload your hurts? The more clear you are about what you need, the more likely you'll be to find it. Ask for Referrals The people you love the most probably share some of your preferences for food, movies, music and more likely than not, therapists. If you're in need of some help or support, someone you love might have already done the work of finding the perfect counselor for you! Ask around. See if anyone you trust has a recommendation. It might save you a lot of footwork and stress. Talk to them before you meet for a session Think of your search for a therapist like you're interviewing someone for a job. You hire a therapist to help you get a certain result in an important area of your life. So, have a conversation with them before you fork over $150+ to sit on their couch for an hour and share your deepest struggles with them! Here are some good "interview questions" that will help you hire the right therapist: What kind of clients do you love working with the most? Can you give me some examples of clients like me (us) that you've helped in the past? Why did you become a therapist? Tell me about what you specialize in. What's your background and training? Give them a chance to prove themselves to you. If it feels right, trust your gut! Which leads me to... Trust Your Gut Really, your intuition is the most important thing. If you look at someone's photo and you get a weird vibe, or you have a conversation with them and they make you feel awkward or uncomfortable, don't hire them! It's ok to say, "I don't think this is going to be the best fit for us, thanks for your time!" This is one area of your life where you should absolutely be picky. Research actually shows the factor that most strongly influences a successful outcome in therapy is the therapist/client relationship, not the type treatment method they use. There are two things you never want to skimp on when it comes to quality. Toilet paper, and a therapist. Choosing the wrong one will just leave you in a worse mess than when you started. So, trust your gut. You'll know when you've found the right one. To Summarize The world of therapists is vast, complex and can be really confusing… especially if you're in dire need of talking to someone. Remember, some therapists try to cast a wide net by saying they specialize in working with everyone in a desperate effort to snag any client they can. Other therapists invest in highly specified training so they can effectively serve a clear-cut subset of people with very specific needs. And ANY therapist can call themselves a Sex Therapist or Relationship Therapist, so make sure you ask them about their credentials and training. (A highly-trained sex therapist will almost always be AASECT Certified, and the Gottman Referral Network is a great place to start looking for a marriage therapist.) Finding the right therapist is important, and it might take some legwork. It can be the difference between a marriage succeeding or failing, or struggling with an issue for weeks and struggling for years. It requires a little work and investment, but the support a good therapist provides can last a lifetime and transform your life.

Stoicism is an ancient Greek philosophy designed to make the practitioner more resilient, happier, more virtuous, courageous, and wise. Some of history's greatest leaders were Stoics: Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius, George Washington, Theodore Roosevelst, and more recently, people like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Brady, Bill Clinton, and prominent author Ryan Holiday. The foundation of Stoicism is built on 4 virtues: Courage - The ability to be brave Temperance - The ability to practice moderation and self-control Justice - Always doing what's right, and dealing fairly with others Wisdom - Truth and understanding When practiced, these virtues help us remain focused on what's truly important in life, and unlock our potential. I'm a firm believer that if you really want to have an incredible marriage, you will practice the principles of stoicism whether it's intentional or not. Today, I'm going to share 10 powerful questions based on the principles of Stoicism that can help you be a better person, and a better partner. These questions were curated by a Reddit user by the name of DickieBush. How am I complicit in creating the conditions I say I don't want? This is a powerful question that, when answered honestly, will expose you to all sorts of uncomfortable truths. It will help you identify areas of your life where you might be talking the talk… but you're not walking the walk. It's easy to commit to doing something that will make your life better, then fail to do them out of laziness, forgetfulness, procrastination, or avoidance. When you stop lying to yourself, you can learn a lot about how you can get out of your own way, so you can stop perpetuating your own problems, and live a more fulfilled life. Where am I feeling the Resistance? The Resistance is a concept introduced in Stephen Pressfield's book, The War of Art. What triggers the Resistance? Any time you choose to avoid immediate gratification in favor of pursuing some sort of long-term gains. You feel the resistance when you put your phone down to clean the house. Or when you try to turn off your video game so you can go work out. Or when you try to stop watching YouTube, so you can plan that date night. The areas where you feel and then succumb to resistance are clues to areas of your life where you can adjust your behavior in order to have the life or relationship you want. What would I do to make today horrible? This question leverages the Inversion Principle. Avoiding a poor decision is easier than making the right ones. Instead of thinking of everything I want to accomplish in a day, I think of everything I could do to make today horrible. Then I just avoid doing those things. Where am I making things more complex than they need to be? It's human nature to over-analyze our problems and struggles. Overcomplicating life just creates stress, anxiety, and burnout. And it keeps us stuck in problems we could easily solve. Asking yourself this question will help you stay focused on taking action and keep you from getting caught in analysis paralysis. What would this look like if it were easy? A while back, I interviewed Celeste Davis. In the interview she said, "What if the words 'I don't know' were eliminated from your vocabulary?" What possibilities would arise for you? Sometimes we get in our own way by assuming our own problems are above our paygrade. We get mired in the complexity, and end up feeling defeated and exhausted. But what if this thing you were facing were easy… What if you DID know what to do? How would things be different? When you give yourself permission to make the answers easy, it's amazing how many of your problems become solvable… or at the very least, manageable. What if I did the opposite in every area? Do you ever get stuck in a funk? Maybe it feels like the routine you have developed just isn't working for you anymore? What if you do date night on Monday instead of Friday What if you start having morning sex instead of nighttime sex? What if you swap chores? If you normally cook the meals and your partner does the yard… switch it up! Is our partner the one who always initiates? Why don't you try being the instigator of affection? See what happens when you mix things up. You might discover something magical. If I could only work for four hours this week, what would I work on? Do you glorify busyness? I know I do. Sometimes I spend hours "working." Then, at the end of the day, I try to figure out what I've accomplished… and for the life of me, I can't figure it out. Same thing often happens in my marriage. My wife and I will spend time together… but it's not quality time. We've killed so many hours in front of the TV, or sitting on the couch together while both on our phones. Sure we're spending time together… but is it quality time? If you could ONLY see each other for a few minutes every day, how would you want to spend that time together? How would that time be spent differently than the time you spend together now? Now… how can you do more of that? How could I achieve my 10-year goals in six months? This question is so fun to answer. When you think in extremes, it helps you get away from self-imposed limitations. The answers might be completely unrealistic. But you'll be surprised how often some of your ideas are totally doable… or at the very least, they can help accelerate your goals. Have a desire to pay off your house? Maybe you want to retire early? Maybe you want to start your own business together? Or build up a college fund for your kids? Get creative. Compound time. See what happens! How would the type of person I want to become handle this? We all have an ideal we're striving for. We know there's a better version of ourselves trying to get out. When you ask yourself this question, you get free advice from a better version of you than you are right now. Sometimes consulting your ideal self when dealing with a conflict, a personal challenge, or a new opportunity will bring out the very best in you right now. What would I do if it was impossible for me to fail? Fear is paralyzing. It keeps us from taking action, from taking risks, or from trying something new. We put limitations on ourselves because we're afraid we will fail. When you take the option of failure off the table, it's amazing how differently you choose to live your life… even if it's just in theory. What conversations would you have? What kind gestures would you make? What habits would you develop? What traditions would you implement? What changes would you make to yourself? When you take failure off the table, the world becomes your oyster! I hope these questions spark some ideas of how you could more quickly become the best partner you can be. Stoicism is an amazing philosophy to live by. If you want to learn more about it, check out my favorite book on modern day stoicism by Ryan Holiday, "The Obstacle Is The Way."

Have you ever had "Soul Talk?" You know what I'm talking about… Soul Talk is when you have a deeply connecting connection with someone. None of the superficial small talk… No discussing the weather, or how to get billy to soccer practice. None of that, "How was your day?" "Fine… how was yours?" stuff… Soul Talk is when you learn about someone's passions, fantasies, and secrets. The conversation takes you places you've never been before. You learn about yourself while you're learning about the person you're talking to. Soul Talk is the best… It's conversations like this that often make us fall in love. You let down our defences. You stop pretending to be someone you're not. You are honest with your answers instead of trying to think what the other person wants to hear. These conversations require you to be vulnerable and authentic. But a lot of people don't have time to go there very often… Or they completely forgot how to get there in the first place. That's why Authentic Relating exists. Jason Digges is the author of a new book called Conflict = Energy: The Transformative Practice of Authentic Relating. He has dedicated his life to helping people tap into their authentic selves so they can connect deeply. I recently had a conversation with him live in the Epic Marriage Club where he shared TONS of amazing tips on how to create more authenticity in our lives and in our relationships. This is a recording of that conversation. If you want access to live workshops, trainings, and interviews like this one that will strengthen your marriage, check out the Epic Marriage Club.

Changing human behavior is typically really hard. Don't believe me? What percentage of people who made a New Year's resolution to hit the gym and get in shape are still committed to it 4 weeks later? Not many. Because it's HARD to change a lifetime of habits - like the time you wake up, the way you fold your socks, how you brush your teeth, or how you load the dishwasher. Here's something you can test out: Try mixing up your shower routine tomorrow morning. If you always wash your hair first, try starting out with your legs. Not only will you probably forget, but if you try it, it will feel SUPER unnatural.

The cost of your marriage license (depending on where you live) was probably around $40. The average cost of a wedding in the US last year was over $35,000. If you were to get divorced today, the cost would likely be around $15,000. Lots of people - including the government, dressmakers, photographers and lawyers - are out there trying to tell you what your marriage is worth… but have you ever stopped to think what the true value of your marriage is? I love this quote by Simon Sinek: "Value is not determined by those who set the price. Value is determined by those who choose to pay it." So, what's the value of your marriage? The answer is whatever you are willing to pay… and I'm not just talking dollars. Here's an awesome example of a good buddy of mine who has just leveled up the value of his marriage and family by increasing his investment. He reached out a few months ago and asked if we could grab lunch and catch up. When we sat down and started eating, he dropped an amazing bombshell. "I want to share something with you, because I think you're one of the only people who will get it without any weird judgment or anything." "Hit me," I said. "My wife and I have been talking about the kind of life we want to live as a family. For a while now we've felt like we've been caught up in the hamster wheel of life… which is fine if that's what you want… but we don't. So, next year we're selling our house and we're going to take our whole family on a trip around the world. We're going to visit 5 continents, and around 30 countries. We're going to expose our kids to different cultures, and have adventures, and make incredible memories!" I almost cheered for joy in the restaurant! Life is short! He's putting his time, energy, and money where his mouth is… into his marriage and family. Now, I don't think everyone should quit their job, sell their house and jet-set across the world for a year… because what's best for my buddy isn't best for everybody. But I DO think everyone should invest more seriously in their dreams. That means putting a little more thought, effort and creativity into the way they want to live their life. If you want to prove you truly value your marriage INVEST IN IT! Is there a dance class you've been talking about? Sign up! Is there a vacation you've always dreamed of going on? Plan it out! Figure out how much it will cost you to do it and start saving today. Do you long for the days when the passion was super intense, and everything you did had a thin veil of romantic tension and suspense around it? What can you do to recreate that romantic excitement? Buy some sexy underwear? Meet up for a date where you pretend to have never met before, and try to pick up on each other? Reenact your first date… or your honeymoon? Remember that quote I shared earlier: "Value is not determined by those who set the price. Value is determined by those who choose to pay it." What price are you determined to pay? What is the value of your marriage? -Nate A new year is right around the corner. If you want to make 2018 the best year EVER for your marriage, click here and book a quick 30-minute phone call with me. I have something cool planned!