I didn't even realize how much anxiety was subtly wrecking my relationship until I read Dr. Kathleen Smith's book, Everything Isn't Terrible: Conquer Your Insecurities, Interrupt Your Anxiety, and Finally Calm Down. Dr. Smith's book helped me realize that I've developed extremely effective anxiety coping mechanisms that kept me confronting my insecurities and weaknesses head-on. There are two problems with this. First, anxiety typically precedes growth. And if I can't learn to face my anxieties head-on, I will never get the lessons or enjoy the growth that lives on the other side. Second, the things that make us anxious don't magically go away if we pretend they don't exist. If all we do is avoid what makes us anxious (consciously or unconsciously), we're just allowing our problems to compound. Dr. Smith lays out five different coping strategies that we all rely on to avoid feeling anxious in our relationships: #1 Relationship Triangles Every relationship triangle (or drama triangle) consists of 3 people: The persecutor, the rescuer, and the victim. Whenever you feel anxious, hurt, betrayed, or offended by another person, we often turn ourselves into the victim. The person who wronged us, judged us, or criticized us becomes the persecutor. And the person we vent to, or gossip with becomes the rescuer. We use the rescuer to give us validation, affirmation, and make us feel like we are good and right and justified, while the persecutor is bad, and wrong, and irrational. Relationship triangles typically involve gossiping, venting, scapegoating, criticizing, and blaming others for our pain or unfortunate circumstances. It's a great way to avoid dealing with an issue head on – by simply having a conversation with the person who hurt you. #2 Overfunctioning Overfunctioners are famous for saying things like, "If I don't do it, it'll never get done." Or, "If you want it done right, you'd better do it yourself." People slip into overfunctioning for what often seems to be altruistic or selfless reasons. "I don't want my daughter to fail math and not get into college… so I'll just help him with his homework." "I don't want my husband to die of heart disease, so I'll wake up early and make him a healthy lunch every day." "I don't want the Christmas party to flop, so I'll just plan it myself again this year." Overfunctioners take on too much responsibility because it makes them anxious to leave the fate of something important in someone else's hands. It also feels really good (temporarily) to be the person EVERYONE relies on. The linchpin. The go-to guy. But eventually the Overfunctioning takes its toll. You start to get worn out and resentful. You start to say things like, "Why am I the only one who cares?" Or, "Why can't someone else make a decision for once?" What you don't realize is that your controlling nature has trained everyone that you'll take care of everything for them. They don't need to put in any effort, because you'll always swoop in at the last minute to save the day. Overfunctioners are famous for always wanting to be in charge, constantly giving unsolicited advice, and needing constant reassurance (or being constantly reassuring). #3 Underfunctioning Underfunctioning is the opposite of overfunctioning. When underfunctioners feel stressed, they shut down, withdraw, and hide. They beat up on themselves for always being a disappointment, letting others down, and failing at their goals. They live in a state of shame and self-loathing. They commit to things, then stop responding to you when you need an update. They ghost you when they let you down rather than having a conversation about it. Underfunctioners are masters of acting helpless, relying on the reassurance of others, avoiding confrontation, and always letting other people make decisions. #4 Conflict Many people use conflict as a way to avoid anxiety. I know it might sound weird considering conflict can actually cause anxiety, but conflict can actually be a great way to avoid the things that make us most uncomfortable. For example, when someone points out one of your flaws or something you're insecure about… You could get curious about it, own up to it, laugh about it, or work on it. Or… you could get incredibly defensive, act offended, pick a fight, and make a scene. We use conflict to avoid staring in the mirror. We intentionally escalate difficult conversations so the conversation will end. Being dramatic, defensive, focusing on the flaws of others, pointing out how other people are the problem, and insisting that other people change are classic strategies for people who use conflict to avoid anxiety. #5 Distance The last coping strategy for anxiety is creating distance. Sometimes the distance is physical… but most often it's emotional. Distancers are great at avoiding controversial topics and keeping conversation superficial. They use snark and sarcasm so that nobody ever takes them seriously. They numb out with substances like drugs and alcohol, or activities like video games, social media apps, or trashy reality TV. Distancers don't want to get overly attached or involved with anyone. They keep themselves at a safe distance. They reject compliments. They bail at the last minute. Closeness makes them anxious, so they keep the world at arm's length. Which Strategy Do You Use? So, which of these 5 strategies do you turn to when you're feeling anxious? How are these coping mechanisms keeping you from connecting with those around you? How are you preventing your own development and personal growth? Ultimately, anxiety can be one of our greatest teachers. It can be the gateway to self-understanding, intimacy, trust, and empathy. But we only get the benefits if we stop running from it, and ask it what it's trying to teach us. For more on learning to manage your anxiety, check my hour-long interview with Dr. Smith here.
