Growth Marriage

Do you think your husband is a narcissist? When you first met him, he was extremely likable. He was charismatic, charming, and flirtatious. Everyone who met him immediately liked him… and you felt like the luckiest girl in the world that he chose you. Then, over time, things started to change. You started to notice that most of your conversations revolved around his needs, his wants, and his accomplishments. He didn't seem to care as much about what was going on in your life. He rarely asked you questions that allowed for any deep emotional connection. Life was good as long as his needs were met. You started to plan your life around making sure he was happy… because if he wasn't, he'd often lose his temper, or say things that would make you feel as if you'd done something wrong. When you were hurting, he'd dismiss your emotions. And if he was the cause of your hurt, he'd somehow find a way to turn it around and make it your fault. When things really started to get rough, you tried to talk to him about it. Maybe you suggested you go to therapy. He didn't take that well. He was hypersensitive to anything even remotely resembling criticism. He would withhold affection from you as punishment, or to gain leverage. You noticed that he started to find pleasure in tearing you and other people down. It seemed like the longer you were in the relationship, he was thriving more and more. You, on the other hand, seemed to get sicker and sicker. You were exhausted, stressed, depressed, and sad. You felt like a shadow of your former self. You started to wonder if you were the crazy one. "Maybe there's something wrong with me… everyone seems to love him. He's thriving. Maybe I'm the one who's broken." You began to float through life feeling lonely, guilty, ashamed, invisible, unimportant… You didn't want to be judged. You didn't want to appear disloyal. You believed that maybe this was a "phase," or that it wasn't a true reflection of his character. You became a shadow of your former vibrant, caring self. You lost the light in your eyes. *DEEP BREATH* Being married to a narcissist can be incredibly draining and difficult. Recently I had a conversation with Wendy Behary. She's a licensed clinical social worker who has specialized in working with narcissists and those in with relationships with narcissists. She shared three powerful tips to help you deal with a narcissistic partner: 1. Get Help Most people simply don't have the tools and resources to navigate the complexities of a relationship with a narcissist. If you want your relationship to survive and thrive, you will absolutely need to get help from a trained mental health professional. Specifically, someone who specializes in working with narcissists. Don't be afraid to ask a prospective therapist questions about the experience or training they have working with narcissists. Ask them about their approach to treatment. Ask them about any success stories they've experienced working with past clients in situations similar to yours. Hiring the wrong therapist can actually cause more harm than good. So make sure you do your research here. 2. Be "Sturdy" When you're sturdy, you are grounded. Rooted. You don't give in easily to the storms of life. Being "sturdy" in relationship with a narcissistic partner means you have the self-control and self-respect to stand up for yourself without getting emotional or defensive. When your partner loses his temper and flies off the handle, you can calmly but firmly look him in the eye and say, "I don't appreciate being spoken to that way. That might work with other people, but it won't work with me anymore. I'm going to go for a walk while you cool down. Let me know when you're ready to speak to me with more respect." Being "sturdy" means you won't let him bait you back into an unhealthy and unproductive cycle by escalating his emotions. Being "sturdy" means that you care enough about your own emotions, experiences, and values that you will not allow them to be dismissed, ignored, or swept under the rug. You cannot have a healthy relationship with a narcissist unless you are "sturdy." (Which is why so many narcissists seek out partners who are "pleasers." Those who will accept or even accomodate their selfish and entitled behaviors.) Being "sturdy" is definitely a skill that can be learned and mastered over time, even if it doesn't come naturally to you. 3. Use Leverage Narcissists HATE being criticized. They don't like to be wrong. They don't like to accept help. They despise staring their own weaknesses, insecurities, and faults in the face. That means, inevitably, most narcissists will resist change – especially if it means meeting with a therapist to "talk" about things. They'll dismiss, invalidate, manipulate, and throw emotional fits to get out of it. But you can get them to do the work… if you have leverage. Behary says that most narcissistic people don't respond to positive incentives like the rest of us. "If you do this, you'll get that," doesn't work for them. What motivates a narcissist to change is fear of losing something. Fear of losing reputation, privileges, status, or their relationship with you. By clearly outlining the consequences of negative behaviors (and following through on those consequences), your partner will be spurred to action. Behary recommends starting by saying something like, "I really love you, but the way things are going, I'm worried we may not have a future together. No matter how much I love someone, I just don't think I can be in a relationship if I feel like this all the time. Something needs to change." As you stand your ground, remain "sturdy," create clear consequences for poor behavior, and seek the help of a trained counselor, you can set yourself up for success.Need more information? Check out Wendy Behary's website here, or you can get her book here.

I hate working out… My lungs burn. Sometimes I feel like puking. And the next day I'm sore. ...But I love the results of a strong body. I hate cleaning the kitchen… Getting the gunk off the dishes. Wiping down the countertops and sweeping the floors. Loading and emptying the dishwasher. Nothing about any of that is fun for me. … But I love the resulting feeling I get when my house is clean. I hate going to the dentist… The anxiety of whether or not I'll have a cavity. Getting poked and prodded. Shots. Drilling. Pain, slobber, trying to talk with my mouth open. ... But I love the results of having a clean, healthy mouth. I hate having hard conversations… They are stressful. Lots of big emotions. I'm not always great with my words. Sometimes I hurt the people I love. … But I love the result of having a strong relationship. The things that cause you pain and discomfort are sometimes really good for you. And, conversely, the things that make you feel good in the moment are often damaging over the long term. Chocolate chip cookies. Scrolling for hours on social media. Sleeping in all the time. Avoiding the hard conversations. Not managing your budget. Saying, "Yes." to everything. It's important to remember that in your marriage… Just because something makes you feel bad doesn't mean it IS bad. And just because something makes you feel good doesn't mean it IS good. You can't have the life you want without truly understanding this lesson. Now, the important question: What painful thing that is GOOD for you are you running from? What easy or pleasurable thing are you holding on to that's holding you back? And… what are you going to do about it?

Last week, New York Times bestselling author, Rachel Hollis, and her husband announced they are getting a divorce. Why should you care? Because whether you follow, admire, or even know who the Hollises are, there are some lessons to be learned in their failed relationship that could help you avoid their same fate. Rachel and Dave are arguably the most popular self-help couple on the planet right now. Rachel has written two New York Times bestselling books, "Girl, Wash Your Face," and "Girl, Stop Apologizing." She is the host of a popular podcast titled "Rise." And she hosts a second marriage-themed podcast with Dave called "Rise Together." And over the last several years, the Hollis' have traveled the world sharing a message of "vulnerability," "authenticity" and that you can create the life you want if you're willing to put in the work to arenas full of devoted followers. Despite secretly contemplating divorce for the past few years, they sold out arenas, and pricey marriage retreats under the guise that they had it all together. They were the #PowerCouple. So, it's no surprise that people felt betrayed and outraged when they announced their divorce. Millions of people admired them and aspired to be like them, after all. And, if this couple who talks openly about going to therapy, writes personal-development books, and hangs out with Oprah can't make their marriage work… it begs the question… who can? It's a valid question. The answer? You can. Here are 3 things you can do to help you a ridiculously awesome marriage: You Need A Strong Foundation For Your Relationship Renowned marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman says, "The simple truth is that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this, I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company." Developing a strong friendship means you know what's going on in your partner's world. You are curious about their fears, interests, hopes, and dreams. You know what they're stressed about, and what they're proud of. You know who the most important people in their life are. You enjoy spending time with them. You see and acknowledge the good they bring into your life. You trust each other. You have each other's backs. You're there for each other in a pinch. Without a foundation of friendship, love can't flourish. In her book, "Girl, Wash Your Face," Rachel talks about being in a relationship with a man who was manipulative and selfish. She breaks it off with him only to wake up the next morning and have him waiting at her door. Turns out, that man was Dave. Obviously I don't have a window into their marriage… but based on that information, it sounds like their relationship started off on a foundation of manipulation, obsession, and infatuation. Not true friendship. If you want to have a love that lasts, cultivate your friendship over everything else. Your Marriage Dynamics Will Change... So Should You Every couple goes through major transitions in their relationship. Some of them are planned, and some aren't. I remember coming home from a long day of work one day expecting dinner to be ready. I found my wife laying on the couch, playing a game on her phone. I got frustrated. I almost always have dinner waiting for her on the days she works, and she typically does the same for me… but the last few nights it had been her turn, she'd flaked on me. As we talked, I learned that the first trimester of pregnancy was more exhausting for my wife than she expected. She was just to wiped out to make dinner most evenings. The dynamic of our relationship had shifted, and we hadn't talked about it… and things would have kept getting worse until we did. And the reality is that most couples don't have those conversations. The world outside their marriage changes, but they want everything inside their relationship to remain predictable and consistent. That's why things like loss of a job, an unexpected bout with depression, the death of a family member, extreme weight loss, a shift in religious beliefs, an unexpected windfall of cash, or any other major life transition can often send a marriage into a downward spiral. If you can't accept that roles and responsibilities need to shift when your circumstances change AND have a conversation about it, your marriage could be in trouble. The Hollis family has undergone some MAJOR transitions over the last few years. They've stepped into the spotlight where millions of people can freely judge, scrutinize, and publicly critique their choices and actions. They've experienced massive growth in their business which can place major demands on their time and attention. They've experienced unexpected financial success which often amplifies peoples' character traits… both good and bad. From the outside, a lot of these changes can appear really positive, and even make others envious. But, inside the marriage, it can be a different story. The couple is exposed to a brand new set of stressors and problems, and an amplification of the issues they might have already been dealing with. When the dynamic of your marriage shifts, it's important for you to have the humility and the compassion required to dig in, adjust, and put your marriage above all else… even a multi-million dollar business. (Unless something else is more important to you… like fame or money.) Choose Your Mentors Wisely A lot of people are upset with Dave and Rachel right now because they feel duped. They looked up to the Hollises as mentors. Imperfect people who were willing to do the work, confront their imperfections and insecurities. They were showing the rest of the world how marriage could be done, despite having issues and needing therapy. Their fans are now realizing they got duped into developing a one-sided relationship with an influencer couple living a life of carefully-curated authenticity. Don't get me wrong, as a marriage researcher, I believe having a mentor for your marriage is a brilliant idea. One that I wish more people bought into. Professional athletes have coaches. CEOs have boards of directors. Authors have editors. A good mentor is will help you excel at anything that truly matters to you. They help you unlock your full potential. And who doesn't want to live up to their full potential in love? But you've gotta be smart when you pick a mentor! A true mentor is someone you can sit down and have a conversation with. They know you and care about you as an individual (or couple)... not just as a follower. They can dip into their library of past experiences and mistakes to help you succeed. They live a life that inspires you, not because of the accomplishments they've achieved, but the character they've developed. It's fine to admire other people at a distance if you can use their lives as inspiration to make yourself better. But it can be dangerous if that admiration tilts into the realm of hero-worship. Comparison is, and always will be the thief of joy. If another couple's life as portrayed on social media becomes your benchmark for success, watching them will only make you miserable. And on the flip side, if your hero falls short of your expectations or disappoints you… you'll likely feel heartbroken and miserable. Find a good mentor... But don't worship someone's carefully curated social media feed. There's a lot to learn from Rachel and Dave Hollis right now. Whether you're feeling betrayed because you were a big fan who feels like you were lied to… Or whether you're a critic who has always thought the Hollises are complete frauds… It might be tempting to throw stones, criticize, or judge them. But, the best thing you can do right now is look for the lessons. What can you learn from Rachel and Dave's story that will make you a better person, or a better partner? Now your turn. Are there lessons you can learn from the Hollises that I didn't mention? Are there things you've learned from their example (whether good or bad) that has helped you grow? Leave your thoughts in the comments!

A few weeks ago I had to get to an important appointment. Lots of important people were at this meeting. They couldn't have it without me. I was nervous. Wanted to make a good impression. Maybe even impress some people I really admired. I got in my car, drove out of the suburbs where I live, and got on the freeway only to realize… … it was COMPLETE GRIDLOCK. Bumper-to-bumper. A semi-truck had flipped, blocking nearly every lane of traffic. My anxiety levels shot through the roof. I started to sweat. I got angry and panicky. The man in the car next to me was screaming at the improvised parking lot of cars in front of him. He was trying to wedge himself between cars in the next lane. It was obvious he wanted to get into the emergency lane and drive around everyone to get off at the next exit. Few things are more stressful and anxiety-provoking than unplanned traffic on the freeway. And few things are more convenient (and taken for granted) than a freeway where traffic is moving freely. In your marriage, your freeway is your communication. Remember when you first fell in love? One of the best feelings in the world was feeling like someone really got you. You could be 100% yourself, and they would love you and accept you exactly as you were. No walking on eggshells. No pretending to be someone you're not. Best. Feeling. Ever. You could talk about anything! All the lanes of communication were wide open! But then… for most of us, reality eventually sets in. You have an argument. You get your feelings hurt. Your partner is dismissive, insensitive, or uses "that tone." It's like an "accident" happening in one of the lanes of your freeway. Suddenly, communication doesn't "flow" like it used to. The relationship starts to feel tense. You're riding your brakes in areas where you used to just cruise on through. And, if you don't clean up the "wreck," it can actually lead to other careless fender-benders. More lanes shut down. Your communication freeway becomes gridlocked. Lots of anger. Lots of stress, strain, and anxiety. Lots of frustration. Very little trust. Very little productivity. Very low connection, joy, or satisfaction. What's the solution? YOU HAVE TO CLEAN UP THE ACCIDENTS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE! Sometimes it's as simple as pushing the car off the road and having a quick exchange of information. Sometimes it means calling in the paramedics and a tow truck. (Maybe a good therapist?) If you don't clean up the mess of conflict quickly, it will destroy your ability to communicate. And nothing is worse than expecting to be able to connect, bond with, and coordinate with the person who is supposed to "get" you better than anyone else on the road… But there's just too many past arguments, mistakes, and hurt feelings in the way preventing you from that connection. If you are experiencing "Gridlock," and you don't know how to clear the path so you can re-open all the lanes of communication in your marriage, a GREAT place to start is with the 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work workshop. Think of it as AAA for your marriage. We give you the resources you need to deal with anything from a flat tire to a 20-car pileup. You can rest easy knowing that you have everything you need to keep your lanes of communication wide open.

I almost died rafting the snake river. Six other friend and I were paddling down the river when we got caught in an unexpected current created by a tight bend in the river. Our little raft slammed into the base of a cliff. The boat flipped. Bodies and oars went flying. Our river guide (who was not wearing a helmet) slammed his head against the rock and was bleeding badly. I heard people screaming, and splashing as they tried to get back to the upturned raft. Some were even trapped underneath. I looked down the river and realized that some pretty serious rapids - class III and IV - were coming up quickly. We were in trouble. Suddenly, the safety training our river guide gave us before we started our journey popped into my head. "If your raft capsizes, there's only one way to flip it back over. You have to climb on top, hook the handle of your paddle into the rope on one side of the raft, then use your body as leverage as you pull on the paddle to flip the raft over." (It looks like this.) I hauled myself up onto the raft, grabbed the rope, leaned back and flipped it over. One by one we got everyone back into the raft, gathered our paddles, patched up our bloody river guide, and muscled through the rapids. As things calmed down, my buddy leaned over to me and asked, "How on earth did you know how to flip the raft back over?" "I just paid attention during the safety training," I said. (It didn't hurt that I'd been working out and had the strength to haul my wet body up onto the raft.) I don't tell you this story just because I want you to think I'm cool… but if you do, I guess I'm ok with that. This lesson is more parable for marriage. Life is like the river. It gives all sorts of surprise currents, rapids, and rocks to navigate. And sometimes it even upturns your raft. When your raft gets upturned (you're arguing a lot, you have a new baby, a parent passes away, someone gets really sick, you lose your job, etc.) it can be scary and dangerous! You might panic. You might freak out. You might feel trapped, or doomed. But if you've taken the training, developed the skills, and you FOLLOW THE PRINCIPLES AND TOOLS THAT LEAD TO SUCCESS, you can right the ship, recover, and finish the trip. And you can have a BLAST doing it! The real danger comes when you experience a challenge and you don't have the training or skills to overcome it. You feel helpless as you flounder and struggle in the water. You can exhaust yourself swimming against the current. You can panic, and pull people under the water in an effort to save yourself. In your marriage, this kind of "drowning" behavior often shows up as blaming, criticizing, shutting down, attacking your partner, name-calling, having the same arguments over and over and over, and immense amounts of shame. In order to survive and thrive in marriage, you HAVE to have emergency safety training. You HAVE to have a plan in place for emergencies and crises. You have to know how to right the ship by repairing the damage that was done, keep yourself safe and panic-free by learning to manage your own emotions, and help your shipmate if they're in trouble. So, how do you get this training? That's what I'm here for. The best way is to come to a workshop or join the Epic Wives Experiment. These experiences are designed 100% to help you navigate the rapids of marriage, keep your raft upright, and keep yourself and your partner from drowning. But most importantly… I want to help you enjoy the journey! If you feel like you're in over your head (literally or figuratively), please click here and sign up for our upcoming workshop. Don't drown when you could have gotten help.

The other day I came home from work. I walked in the door and saw my wife on her phone at the table. "Hey honey, how did your day go today?!" She looked up at me with a hurt expression on her face. She told me how she felt judged and micromanaged. She felt like she was failing as a wife. She felt like she could never live up to my expectations. I was speechless. "What the heck are you talking about?" Turns out my wife – along with millions of other humans all over the planet – has a BRUTAL inner critic. And when I asked her how her day had gone, that inner critic took on my voice. When I asked, "How did your day go?" the inner critic translated that into me judgmentally asking her, "Were you productive today? Did you get everything done that you planned? Do you feel good about yourself? Did you live up to your fullest potential?" She felt judged. She felt attacked. She felt like a failure. And immediately her defenses went up. I've been a marriage researcher for almost a decade. I teach people regularly that defensiveness and criticism nearly always manifest themselves together. If one partner is overly-critical, the other is often overly-defensive. But only recently did it occur to me that sometimes when we feel criticized by others, it's really us using other people to reflect our own self-judgment back at ourselves. We seek any opportunity to validate our deepest insecurities of not feeling good enough, loveable enough, ambitious enough, _______ enough. My weakness? Taxes. My wife can bring them up in the sweetest, most sensitive, and non-threatening voice ever, and I often (and almost immediately) interpret it her questions about taxes as, "I'm a failure because I haven't taken care of this yet. I'm unreliable. I'm incompetent. I'm a disappointment…" That inner critic is out of control. The temptation is to retreat into my fortress and put up my defenses as if my wife was waging emotional warfare on me. Can you relate? Defensiveness is dangerous. It can create an enemy out of an ally in seconds. This is why learning to acknowledge and manage your inner critic is absolutely necessary. It will keep you from going to war with your partner over something that's completely made up in your head.

Pelvic Floor Disorders occur in 1 out of every 4 women. Things like urinary incontinence, fecal incontinence, uterine prolapse and chronic constipation are incredibly common. But just because peeing your pants after you have a baby is a common problem doesn't make it normal. And here's the kicker: 80-90% of women who experience a pelvic floor disorder experience some type of sexual dysfunction. Do I have your attention?

Growing up, I believed a horrible lie. I had this idea that when I got married, my life would revolve around my wife, her needs, her wants, and her dreams. And her life would revolve around mine. We would travel together… Pursue hobbies together… Clean the house together… Watch shows together... Raise kids together... Basically, we would do everything together. Neither of us would ever find anyone else attractive. We wouldn't even have friends of the opposite sex. I would be all she needed. She would be all I needed. It was going to be just me and her… together... against the world. Honestly, it sounded kinda romantic. But now that I'm a little older and wiser, I have learned this "romantic" idea is a recipe for disaster. Here's why. In order to have a thriving marriage, it requires you to balance the needs of 3 different parties. Your needs. Your partner's needs. And the needs of your marriage. When you treat your needs, your partner's needs, and the needs of your marriage as if they are all the same, all the time… someone will end up regularly sacrificing their needs. When this happens, you might start to feel suffocated, or smothered. Or maybe you'll begin to feel frustrated and resentful. Or you could just lose your identity. Completely forget who you are. This is called Enmeshment. It can feel safe for a while… but eventually it feels terrible. Here's why. As renowned psychotherapist, Esther Perel says, "Modern relationships are cauldrons of contradictory longings." You need comfort, predictability, stability, and safety. But you also want spontaneity, surprise, mystery, and desire. You want to feel a sense of togetherness, companionship, and connection with the one you love. But you don't want to feel like a prisoner. And that means, deep down, you need to have some freedom, a sense of independence, and individuality. When your desires, needs, interests, and dreams are sacrificed for, or consumed by your partner's (or vice versa) you lose something vitally important. You lose half of yourself. You exist in the world (and in your relationship) as an incomplete person. You start to feel your partner's worries, anxieties, pains, and frustrations as if they were your own. The quality of your life is directly tied to your partner's moods, struggles, and insecurities. It's hard to distinguish between what thoughts and emotions are yours… and which ones belong to your partner. It can get confusing and overwhelming. Balancing these opposing needs requires thoughtful effort. To continue Esther Perel's quote, "Reconciling the domestic and the erotic is a delicate balancing act that we achieve intermittently at best. It requires knowing your partner while remaining open to the unknown, cultivating intimacy that respects privacy. Separateness and togetherness alternate, or proceed in counterpoint. Desire resists confinement, and commitment mustn't swallow freedom whole."

I'm not much of a sports guy, but I'm LOVE learning about people who are the very best at what they do. So over the last few weeks, I've been binging Michael Jordan's new documentary, "The Last Dance." In 1993, Jordan retired from Basketball and went to play Double-A baseball. The world was shocked. He was the best player in the world! He had just won 3 NBA Championships! Why wouldn't he defend his title, and go for a fourth? The world was shocked. Nearly two years later, right as the playoffs were beginning, he came back to his struggling Chicago Bulls team and strapped on his infamous Air Jordans again. The world held its breath. Would MJ be what the Bulls needed to reclaim their title? Nope. The Bulls lost to the Orlando Magic in the second round. In the documentary, MJ says, "I just didn't have enough time to rebuild my body." He had the talent to win more championships. He had the work ethic to win more championships. He still had the potential to be the best basketball player in history. But at the time, he'd spent so much time playing a different game (baseball), that he wasn't prepared to play basketball at the level he needed to play in order to win. He simply lacked some training and conditioning. When I heard him talk about this, something clicked in my brain. I know so many couples who have the potential for greatness! They have the capacity to be world-class lovers, and create epic marriages that make everyone else jealous of how amazing they have it. (You're probably one of them… no lie.) But they're not there yet... They're not currently training to be a champion. Michael Jordan left basketball because he was stressed. He was under immense pressure. He was mourning the loss of his father. He needed a break. Maybe you are living beneath your potential because you're stressed? Are you overwhelmed? Are you mourning the loss of something or someone? If you're REALLY honest with yourself, are you distracting yourself from the things that could make you a champion in marriage, or with your family? These are important questions. Here's why… When MJ lost to the Magic, he looked at his trainer, Tim Grover, and said, "See you at the gym tomorrow." He decided nothing would come between him and a championship again. He and Tim started training for next year's goal the very next day. And then… he won 3 NBA Championships in a row, along with three Finals MVP awards, 3 MVP awards, 3 All-Star appearances, 2 All-Star MVPs… and more. Now, I have 3 questions: If you're not where you want to be in your marriage, do you have the commitment to get there? Do you have a clear game plan to get there? Do you have the right coach or trainer in your corner like Michael Jordan did? Success leaves clues regardless of the discipline. If you're committed to the right goal, and you take the necessary required actions every day, you will get the results you want. That's all it takes. If you are interested in doing some "training" with me, I'm taking applications. -Nate