Growth Marriage

What would you do if you had to stand up and speak in front of 6,000 people without notice? Yeah... that happened to me a few weeks ago. I was at a conference, and the speaker, a very intimidating guy named Garrett White went out into the audience to do some coaching. (Save some veiny muscles for the rest of us, Garrett. Sheesh…) Anyway… I'm sitting in the audience, taking notes and minding my own business when suddenly Garrett is standing in front of me. He hands me a microphone and says, "Let's talk." So, without emptying my bladder (I'm proud of that), I stood up and introduced myself. He reached out and stroked my beard, something I only let my wife do… but how do you say no to a scary dude like him in front of 6,000 people? And then we started to talk. He asked me what I'd learned from his talk so far. Luckily I had been paying attention and I shared something that had hit me quite hard. I told him his talk made me want to die. But not in the literal way. I wanted to die metaphorically. I knew that in order for me to become the person I want to be - the person who will impact millions of marriages, lower the divorce rate, rid the world of mediocre love, and be the most kick-butt husband imaginable - it meant the person I am now would have to die off. Who I am now is not sufficient. Although I am making progress, I currently lack the necessary focus, commitment, knowledge, leadership, and fortitude to accomplish my goals. My ability to reach my goals in a shorter time span hinges on my willingness to kill off the parts of myself that I need to let go of to make space for the "new me" to come into existence. I'll be real with you… there's a lot I can let go of or "kill off." For starters, I tend to run away from my weaknesses… like budgeting, or anything that involves "processes or operations." I avoid doing things that scare me, like talking to strangers. Especially when I feel like those strangers have a higher "status" than I do. I sometimes choose to eat like garbage, and waste a lot of time in front of screens. I find it easy to point out the faults of others and I resist recognizing the faults in myself. And these are just the things I'm AWARE of! There are plenty of other things that need to "die off" that I'm blind to. It's easy to buy into the pop-culture narrative that you're "good enough" exactly how you are. Now, I do NOT want to perpetuate self-loathing. But the older and more experienced I get, the more I realize that the people who really make a difference in the world, in their communities, and in their relationships never feel satisfied. They are always looking for a new way to grow, a weakness to let go of, or a problem to solve. Check out today's podcast and ask yourself the question, "What part of me needs to die off in order to have the life I want?" The best lives are filled with 1,000 tiny deaths. Opportunities to let go, forgive, move forward, and be better. So yeah… I (more or less) explained that to Garrett. He didn't have much to say to me. He took his microphone back and walked back to the stage. I guess he saw that I'd learned the lesson. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Shoot me an email, or leave a comment if this created a shift for you! Are there parts of you that need to die off? If so, what are they, and what are you going to do about it? -Nate

Two years ago I hosted the first ever Utah Date Night. Hundreds of people showed up to hear some of my favorite relationship experts speak for a few hours. At the very end of the event we did a powerful activity. We had the entire audience stand up and dance to an amazing, upbeat song. They got their hearts pumping, and their adrenaline going. Then, we cut the music and turned on a romantic slow song. Hundreds of couples spread across the auditorium, hugging each other tight, and swaying to the music. Some of them started to cry. Others held each other more tightly than they had in a LONG time. It was an amazing, magical experience. The reason this was such a powerful emotional experience for so many is that we tricked their physiology! Many of these couples showed up feeling a little bored in their relationships. Others were feeling "stuck." A few even felt like they'd lost their mojo, or that the passion they once had had faded. When they all stood up and danced to the fast song, the music and the movement released endorphins into their brains. The very same kind of endorphins that they felt when they first fell in love. Then we had them hold each other close and dance to the slow song. And their brains released Oxytocin, the bonding chemical. We essentially simulated the physiological experience of falling in love. When I saw Tony Robbins speak a few weeks ago, he reminded me of the power we all have to alter our own physiology. If you're in a bad mood… If you're feeling resentful or angry… If you're bored with life… If you're feeling stuck, distant, or disconnected… Often times all it takes to change your mood is to change your physiology! Do some push-ups, take a dance break, go for a walk or a jog, lift your arms above your head and let out a primal scream, take 2 minutes and completely fill your lungs with every breath, take a cold shower… When you change your physiology, you change your emotions. When you change your emotions, you change your attitude and your choices. This is a POWERFUL tool that you can use to get unstuck in your marriage, and infuse it with passion and energy if it's feeling lifeless. Has your physiological state been reflective of a funk you've been in lately? Try this principle out… alter your physiology, and see how it changes your attitude and your emotions! -Nate

I want to tell you about this thing my wife does that gets me completely addicted to loving her. It gets me to turn off my phone and help around the house, be more empathetic and emotionally supportive, kiss her passionately every day, and buy her flowers, pick up her favorite drink from the store, and write her love notes. Sounds pretty magical, right? Maybe even a little hard to believe? That's what today's podcast is all about. (You can listen to it here.) The best way to explain what she does is to quote Myron Golden, a speaker I heard at a conference last month. He asked the audience, "Why does anyone do anything?" The answer? "Because they feel like it." When something feels good, we want to do more of it. Essentially, it all boils down to drugs. (The drugs in your brain, and the illicit kind as well.) The reason people do drugs is because it makes them feel good! Taking a substance like heroin, ecstasy, cocaine, or even alcohol releases a boat-load of reward chemicals into your brain, like serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin, and norepinephrine. I'm oversimplifying the brain science here, but essentially, when someone does drugs, the release of these brain-chemicals is so POWERFUL that they will do ANYTHING to experience more of it. They'll stop eating. They'll stop sleeping. They'll even sabotage the relationships that mean the most to them. That's how strong these reward chemicals in your brain are! But illegal drugs aren't the only way you can get a hit of those reward chemicals. You get a similar hit from the reward-center of the brain when you accomplish a big goal, receive a compliment, serve someone selflessly, fall in love, or when you eat a really delicious meal. So… why do I help around the house, make an effort to be emotionally supportive, encourage my wife to spend time with her friends, buy her flowers, and kiss her passionately? I do those things because she is my drug dealer… My wife is really good at giving me what I need so that I actually crave investing in our relationship. She knows that if I do something she likes, and she can respond by releasing those reward chemicals, I'm gonna want to do more of that thing! She's making me "addicted" to loving her. That's #SCIENCE It's crazy what happens when you know how to get your partner "addicted" to your marriage. How would you feel if your partner would give up anything to make sure they're putting your marriage first? How would it be if they started looking forward to help you around the house without you even asking? What about if they started making decisions with regards to finances, or parenting, or in-laws based on the impact it could have on you? Now… think about what you could do to reward your partner for any effort towards those things, no matter how small. Give them a dose of those reward chemicals. Do this over time, and they'll get addicted to loving you just like I'm addicted to loving my wife. -Nate P.S. Do you struggle with planning cool date nights? I recently put together something to help you out with this. If you go to GetFreeDates.com, I'll send you a date-plan every week for 5 weeks. Each plan includes activities, links to cool products, treats, and conversation-starters to make sure your dates are creative, fun, and awesome! Ya' welcome. (Feel free to share this with your friends. The more awesome dates we can get people on, the better!)

Monica Tanner is the host of the "On The Brighter Side" podcast. She recently interviewed me for her Epic Marriage Summit, and it was a blast. Her passion for marriage is infectious, so I thought I'd have her on to tell you what she learned interviewing some of the top marriage experts around! Bonus? She's about to launch a 14-day "Complete Intimacy Challenge" You should check it out!

Pearson's Law states: "When performance is measured, performance improves. When performance is measured and reported back, the rate of improvement accelerates." We see people tracking, measuring, and improving their performance in business. We see it happening in sports. We even see it in government… although whether or not improvement accelerates is debatable. But why don't we see it in marriage? Probably because it's hard to measure marriage.

I just got back from the gym. Today's workout was TOUGH. My legs are wobbly. My lungs are burning. I have sweat dripping down my back. And I'm THIRSTY! Sometimes I forget my water bottle when I go to they gym. I leave feeling like my mouth is a desert and my tongue is sandpaper. Have you ever felt that way? It's like the only thing you can think of is how and where you'll get the next drink of water. It's a normal problem to have. Now, let's suppose you came home and you told your partner, "Holy smokes, I'm so thirsty!" Then your partner responds by turning on the garden hose full blast and spraying you in the face while saying, "You need more water! Open your mouth, dang it! I'm trying to help you!" As your partner borderline waterboards you, you get angry. You resist the water and think, "This is so not helping!" Or let's suppose you walk in the door, completely dehydrated and your partner rolls their eyes, pours themselves a glass of ice cold water and drinks it in front of you. "If you drank more water like me, you wouldn't be so thirsty. You always do this to yourself. You're never drinking enough water. It's no wonder you're always so thirsty. Drinking water is easy if you just put your mind to it… see? *gulp* AAAAAAAHHHHHH... Once again, not helpful. Not encouraging. This approach doesn't help you feel less thirsty. It just makes you feel guilty… or that your partner is a jerk. Or what if you walk in the door 99.9% parched, and your partner has a tall pitcher of water in their hand, and an extra glass. You say, "Oh my gosh, that water looks amazing. I'm so thirsty." And they respond, "You should be more prepared. You know after a workout you'll be thirsty. Go find your own water. I'm sick of sharing mine with you." They take a long draught while you lick your chapped lips. Ugh. These scenarios are making me even more thirsty! Here's my point. Sometimes our partners suffer and struggle. They walk in the door and they hope for some relief. The way you offer your support or help them alleviate their suffering has a HUGE impact on the quality of your marriage. Sometimes rather than helping them get what they need, we turn on the firehose and overwhelm them with solutions. Before they even get a chance to express what they need, we're slamming answers down their throats and emotionally suffocating them. Other times we punish them for struggling in the first place. We guilt them for allowing things to get to this point. We chastise them for not being smarter, or for not thinking ahead. We berate them for being thoughtless. And often times we become resentful. We abandon our partner to fend for themselves. We shut down. We create a barrier between us and our partner and leave them feeling lonely and overwhelmed in addition to "thirsty." So what's the alternative? How do you help your partner without making things worse? Here's a great recipe: Step 1 - Be Empathetic Before you can help your partner solve a problem you must understand what the problem is and how they're perceiving it. So, before you offer solutions ask questions like: This sounds really tough. How is this affecting you? What is your desired outcome? What have you tried? Then, listen for the answers. Repeat back what you hear so your partner knows you understand. Step 2 - Make an Offer Before just taking action, see if you can get your partner to ask for what would be the most helpful to them. Try some of these questions: Would you like some help? What can I do that would be the most helpful? Will you ask me if you need anything? I'm here for you. Step 3 - Show Up The last step is possibly the most important step for building a trusting, committed relationship. Show up the way you commit to show up. This proves you're a dependable, reliable partner. It creates a bond of safety and security between partners to be able to count on each other when things are hard. Whenever you commit to do something for your partner, do everything you can to follow through. Next time your partner is struggling with something, make sure you're not fire-hosing them, ignoring them, or hanging them out to dry. Be empathetic, supportive, and reliable. In what ways have you been less-than-helpful when trying to help your partner? What's your go-go bad habit? How can you be better about supporting your partner? Leave your thoughts in the comments. I read every single one!

1. You don't know how to find a good therapist When you're struggling in life with your mental health, with past trauma, or in your relationships, it's normal to hear the advice, "You should go talk to someone." The implication is that a therapist - any therapist can help. But searching for a good therapist is a lot like searching for a good doctor. You want to find someone who knows what they're talking about. You wouldn't go see a foot doctor if you had a sore throat. You'd be much better off seeing an ear, nose and throat specialist. Both are doctors, but only one has the knowledge and skill set to help you! Therapists are very similar. The very best therapists have a specialty. They've devoted the majority of their career helping a specific type of person navigate a specific type of problem. Not all therapists have experience working with couples. And not all couples therapists have experience helping people navigate sex issues, or betrayal in the relationship, or the unique challenges that come when you become empty-nesters. It's important for you to find someone who has some experience helping people through what you are currently dealing with. But more importantly… A good therapist is someone you can relate to. One of the number one determining factors of whether or not you'll get results from seeing a therapist is whether or not you get along with your therapist. (It's called "Client-Therapist Fit.") It matters whether or not your therapist "gets" you! And if you're a couple looking for a therapist, it's important that your therapist "gets" BOTH of you. It might take some time and research to find the right "fit." Which brings me to my next point... 2. Not all therapists are created equal Ever had a really bad haircut? I once had a barber who cut my hair while he had the hiccups… you can guess how that turned out. Or maybe you've had a Jiffy Lube experience like mine where the technician completely forgot to put the oil cap back on after my oil change. Not all barbers (or hair stylists) are created equal. Not all mechanics can be trusted to get the job done well. And not all therapists are good therapists. And not all therapists are honest therapists. Did you know a therapist doesn't have to go through any formal training to call themselves a "couples therapist" or a "sex therapist"? There's no title protection in the industry. So, it's very possible that a therapist who spends the first 5 years of their career helping drug-addicted criminals as a Social Worker, or teenagers with eating disorders could wake up one morning and say, "You know what? I'm sick of this. I need a change. I'm going to start treating couples. I hear there's good money in that." Then they can get on their website, or their LinkedIn profile and update their title to "Couples Therapist," and start seeing couples the next day. That's shady. And it's not uncommon. It's important that you spend some time shopping around for a therapist before you commit to one. Try to get a handle on their education, how they've treated similar clients in the past. Ask yourself if you could see yourself spending hours hanging out with this person. A great way to find a good therapist is to ask a friend for a referral. If they love their therapist, and you love your friend, there's a high likelihood that you'll love their therapist too. 3. People wait 6 years too long to find a therapist Research shows that the average couple waits 6 years after experiencing a marriage problem that makes them unhappy before they seek outside help. Six. Years. If you broke your leg would you wait 6 years before going to the doctor? If you answered yes, you deserve a spanking. That's NOT something to be proud of. One of the biggest reasons marriage therapy doesn't work for so many couples is because they wait too long! They go to therapy only when they are in the midst of a crisis as a last-ditch effort to save their marriage from impending divorce. Marriage therapists aren't miracle workers. I like the way my friend Maggie Reyes puts it: You can't un-burn a pie! If you burn a pie, and then you think, "I'll just take my pie to a professional pastry chef. They'll be able to help me fix it!" You are going to be disappointed. Even the best pastry chef in the world cannot un-burn a pie. If your "pie" (marriage) is burned, you have to start over. And it's your choice whether you start over with the same person, or not. If you're experiencing consistent resentment, frustration, and unhappiness in your marriage right now, it's an emergency. Do not wait 6 years! If you start looking for a good therapist when you really need one… you're too late. Most couples divorce because they were unprepared to deal with the challenges that came their way. If you want to have an epic marriage that withstands the test of time, start building out your tool belt now! Find experts and educational resources you trust. Find a therapist you relate to in case you ever need them. Talk to your partner about how you'd like to handle issues if they were to ever come up. Need some help getting started? Subscribe to my podcast here.

Have you ever heard 3,000 people gasp at the same time? Back in September, I interviewed Drs. John and Julie Gottman in front of an audience of 3,000+ people. If you haven't heard of them, what Michael Jordan is to basketball, they are to . About 30 minutes into the interview John Gottman dropped a serious truth bomb. Some new research he's been doing has led to some findings that shocked the entire room. (Here's a link to that part of the interview.) John and his team were measuring stress hormones in the urine of young children. He found that kids with high levels of cortisol and adrenaline in their pee had parents that argued a lot. He then went on to explain that there's research that shows that children as young as 3 months old experience higher blood pressure when their parents argue in front of them! "The kids are carrying around their parents' conflict with one another." If your marriage is struggling it literally HURTS your kids. Why do I share this with you? I promise I'm not trying to guilt you. I know that there's no such thing as a perfect marriage. Not even the Gottman's have a perfect marriage. My hope in sharing this is to show you YOUR MARRIAGE ISN'T JUST ABOUT YOU! The quality of your marriage matters. It directly impacts the people around you more than you think! So, if your marriage is struggling… if you're feeling lonely, resentful, or burned out… If you're having regular arguments, you're not affectionate towards each other, or you don't feel like your marriage is THE priority to both you and your partner… It's a BIG problem! I have no qualms in saying it's an emergency. If your marriage is not in a good place it is actively hurting you, hurting your partner, and it's hurting the people you love the most. That's why I send out these emails! I want to show you the pathway to having a better marriage today than you did yesterday. Having an amazing marriage makes life so much better for everyone! I literally wake up every morning hoping to motivate you to treat your partner with more kindness and respect. To maintain healthy boundaries. To be the kind of partner that inspires the love of your life to be your best self. So take a few seconds right now (that's all it takes) and think about your marriage. Is it as good as it could be? How could you make it better - like right now, today? If the emotions in your marriage right now were as contagious as the chicken pox, what would you be infecting the people around you with? Connection, purpose, respect, love, encouragement, and joy? Or something else like stress, anger, resentment, apathy, anger, or contempt…

Flinching is kind of a strange phenomenon. It's not something you consciously do. It's an instinct. Your brain forces you to pull away from the thing that could cause you pain. A hot stove, a pointy needle, or a ball flying at your face… It doesn't matter what it is, if your brain senses it as a threat that could hurt you, it will do its best to protect you. Now, here's something most people don't know. Physical pain and emotional pain… they're processed in many of the same areas of the brain. And your brain tries to protect you from both! You've probably noticed the emotional flinch. You pull away from people when they say or do things that hurt your feelings, or make you feel bad. You create a safe, emotional buffer between you and them so that you can avoid getting hurt again. Sometimes you get hurt over and over by the same person. They may not be big hurts… But when you add up lots and lots of little emotional flinches caused by little hurts over a long period of time, you end up with a grand-canyon-sized chasm between you and the person inflicting the pain. Ever hear of roommate syndrome? Maybe you've heard people say, "We just grew apart."? This is how that happens. The only way to prevent it is to constantly repair the damage you do to your partner. Especially the small things. When you accidentally step on someone's toes in a crowd, you don't tell them to get over it. You simply say, "Ooops! I'm sorry!" Accidentally hurting your partner's feelings is no different. Apologizing doesn't mean saying you are malicious. It doesn't mean you did anything on purpose. It doesn't even mean you're wrong! Most of the time it's about taking a little responsibility, and being willing to see things from their perspective. "I can see how my tone could have been hurtful." "I totally get why you are upset that I didn't come home on time." "It makes sense why you'd be hurt by that comment, even though I definitely didn't mean it to be hurtful. I'm sorry." When you apologize to your partner for hurts that you cause them - whether intentional or unintentional - you are giving them the gift of emotional healing, and building trust and intimacy. If you're feeling distant right now, maybe there are some things you need to apologize for. (Or things you need to forgive.) Try it out… see what a difference it makes.

I still remember the thrill of scoring my first soccer goal as a kid. I felt a rush of endorphins and surge of confidence (which I severely lacked as a kid) as my team rallied around me and cheered! I remember running down the field holding up 2 fingers. My parents were on their feet screaming at the top of their lungs. It was an amazing feeling. I was hooked. I loved every aspect of the game. I loved playing it, watching it, coaching it. I even had a Brazil national team poster and a Mia Hamm door poster hanging up in my bedroom. I think everyone has a game they love… Is yours a sport like soccer, volleyball, or basketball. Maybe you're a hardcore board-gamer and you like staying up late at night playing Canasta, Pandemic, or Settlers of Catan (outlawed in our house because it always ends in a fight). Maybe you love playing video games, and your schtick is Lego Harry Potter, or Call of Duty… or Fortnite? (Please don't let it be Fortnite.) Whatever your game is, take a minute and think about why you love it so much. Is it because it's a great distraction from the stresses you've got going on in your life? Maybe it's a fun way to connect with the people you love? Or are you one of those super-competitive people (like my wife) who simply loves the feeling of crushing your opponents? Now for the weird transitional question… What if marriage was your favorite game? If you've never thought of marriage as a game, you're not alone. For most people, marriage feels like the complete opposite of a game… it feels like work. However, if you treat marriage like a game, it can change EVERYTHING for you. But you can't play "marriage" like you play most of your favorite games. Winning at marriage requires you to shift your thinking. You see, there are two kinds of games: Finite games, and infinite games. Most of the games you know and love are finite games: They have known players (the people sitting around the table, playing on the field, or holding a controller that's plugged in (sorry little brothers around the world holding unplugged controllers, you're not a real player.) They have unchangeable rules that everyone needs to play by or the game breaks There is a clear end to the game, typically with a winner, and often… many losers. If you play the marriage game under the conditions of a finite game, you will likely end up competing against your spouse, blaming them for your failures, or treating them like your adversary. (This is something competitive people are particularly susceptible to doing.) This can lead to a marriage filled with resentment, loneliness, anger, and distrust. It might even result in divorce. If you want to play the marriage game successfully, you need to to approach it differently than you would a finite game. You have to treat it like an infinite game: In an infinite game, there are both known and unknown players The rules are flexible and can change at the players discretion The objective of the game isn't to "win" but to keep the game going - and make it so enjoyable for the other players that they want to perpetuate the game as well The most important and meaningful games you will ever play in your life are infinite games, like parenting, friendship, business, and of course, marriage. If you can learn to succeed at playing an infinite game, it will bring you SO much more long-term satisfaction than winning any finite game. Succeeding at an infinite game means you've learned to cooperate with the other players to create an experience that everyone wants to participate in. And when you play the game together it gives you a sense of meaning, fulfillment, and joy. Better than the last game of Monopoly I played that made me want to flip the table and walk away. Here are some strategies to help you succeed at the infinite game of marriage: Have an Inspiring Vision: At the center of every successful infinite game is a vision or cause that inspires people to join up and contribute their time, energy, and resources. The vision can be something grandiose like "solve world hunger." Or it can be something simple, like "Wake up every day feeling loved, cherished, and lucky to be married to your partner." I recently did a whole podcast on the importance of having ideal or a goal that inspires you as part of the Marriage Ecosystem series. A good vision will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. It is something you want badly enough that you'll be willing to sacrifice and endure some pain to see it brought to pass. Now, think about your marriage… What's your vision for it? What kind of marriage would inspire you, motivate you, and make you excited to sacrifice so it could become a reality? Does it involve traveling the world together? Or maybe retiring by age 40? Maybe it's about leaving a legacy for your kids? For Ty and Terri, a huge piece of their marriage vision involved giving back to their community. They founded "The Hope Center for Kids" in Omaha, Nebraska. It's a place where underserved kids and teenagers could go after school to get mentorship, help with homework, and have somewhere to play and make friends other than the gangs on the streets. Whatever that inspiring vision is, it's up to you (and your partner) to create it, focus on it, and use it to motivate you, guide your choices, and keep you pointed in the right direction. Be the Visionary Leader: To play a successful infinite game, you need to have a leader. "To ask, "What's best for me" is finite thinking. To ask, "What's best for us" is infinite thinking." -Simon Sinek A good leader is the person who paints a clear picture of the vision for the other players. They're constantly reminding them, "This is why we're playing the game." And "This is why I want to play this game with you…" A great leader sees the value in the strengths of others… especially when they compliment the leaders weaknesses. They lead by praising the behaviors that lead to the outcomes they desire, rather than using fear, intimidation, or threats to get results. STORY HERE A good leader removes obstacles for the other players, and makes it easy for them to succeed. One of my favorite marriage quotes is by Dr. Terry Real. He says, "It's your responsibility to give your partner everything they need in order to give you what you need." For example, it's not fair for me to get upset with my wife for being late to an important event unless I give her what she needs to be on time! That might include: Make sure she knows exactly when we need to leave, and why it's important. ("We need to leave by 5:00 sharp, otherwise we'll get stuck in rush hour traffic, and be 30 minutes late.) Making sure I give her enough advanced notice so she can get ready (Don't tell her at 4:45… that's setting her up to fail.) Asking her if there's anything she's got on her plate that would cause her to be late, and offering to help however I can (like picking up the dry cleaning so she can wear her favorite dress) Leaders help other team members succeed at playing the game. Allow for Vulnerability In order for players of an infinite game to want to play – especially over the long term – they need to feel safe to be themselves. You'd be surprised how many couples are held back because they are afraid to take off the masks they're wearing. Whether it's a literal mask, and you're afraid to let your partner see you naked, or without makeup… Or whether it's a metaphorical mask – maybe you feel like you always need to put on a happy face and pretend "everything is fine" even when it's not. If you don't feel like you'll be accepted for being your true self in your relationship, there's only close close you can get. I can't tell you how many people I've heard say something like, "Our marriage would be SO much better if my partner would just ________." Often times the thing they list is an inherent personality trait the their partner will likely never change. They don't realize what they're saying is, "Our marriage would be SO much better if my partner was somebody else." That comment might make you laugh… or it might hit really close to home and make you cringe. When you allow for vulnerability in your marriage, you celebrate your differences rather than punishing each other for them You allow each other to take risks and make mistakes. You don't make each other live in fear of retribution or retaliation if things don't pan out perfectly, or if you don't get your way. You accept your partner for exactly who they are, including their strengths and weaknesses. Choose a Worthy Adversary In a finite game, your adversary is meant to be defeated. There is a winner, and there is a loser. You want to be the winner. You want your adversary to be the loser. An infinite game is different. Your adversary is meant to be treated with respect. Your success or failure doesn't have anything to do with your adversary's success or failure. Your adversary is simply used as a mirror against which you can compare yourself in order to become aware of your weaknesses, shortcomings, and areas for growth. In marriage, your adversary should push you to improve. To be more kind, more thoughtful, more patient. To look for new ways to appreciate your partner or create spontaneity and surprise. In your infinite game, your worthy adversary pushes you harder than anyone else to become the best version of yourself in order to fulfill your just cause. Be Flexible With Your Game Plan One of the quickest paths to failure when playing an infinite game is to commit to a "fixed strategy." If you think your marriage should follow a specific game plan - and anything that deviates from that plan is a failure - you are going to have a rough time. So many people approach life as a finite game with milestones that indicate whether they are winning or losing. This was mine: > Graduate high school at 18 > Graduate college in early 20's > Get a great career > Get married in mid 20's > Buy a house > Have babies in late 20's and early 30's… (At some point you may have envisioned a similar story for yourself.) Well guess what? MY LIFE DIDN'T HAPPEN THAT WAY! I've quit jobs, moved back in with my parents, started multiple businesses, I didn't get married till my 30's, I still don't have kids… I've had to be flexible with my plan! When you're unable to be flexible with your plan, you'll self-destruct. I've seen it happen. People have complete meltdowns. They say, "My life isn't supposed to look like this!" They miss all that is good in their life, because they can't be flexible. They surrender their happiness to things outside their control. If you want to be happy in life and marriage, you have to be flexible. You have to adapt to whatever life throws at you, and be committed to make the best of it. That's what it means to have a flexible game plan. Are You Ready to Play? There's no game more enjoyable than an infinite game if you can learn to play it well. Your marriage is the ultimate infinite game. No other infinite game will bring you as much joy, fulfillment, happiness, peace, and contentment. How will your life change if you start treating your marriage like an infinite game? In what ways are you treating it like a finite game, and how is that holding you back? Let's experiment in 2020 and see what happens if you treat your marriage like an infinite game… leave your ideas for how to be successful in the comments!