Growth Marriage

Over the last few weeks I've been laying the groundwork for the Growth Ecosystem - the 3 fundamental principles you need to have in place to achieve your goals over the long-term, and experience explosive growth in your life (and in your marriage): Have a goal that inspires and motivates you (just like plants strive towards the sun). Surround yourself with a supportive and nurturing community (just like plants use soil to hold them in place during rough weather). Develop a system of regular accountability you can rely on to facilitate your journey towards your goals (just like plants rely on a steady supply of water… or they die). After nearly a decade of interviewing, studying, and learning from the top marriage experts on the planet, the Growth Ecosystem is what I believe sets apart the most extraordinary marriages from the ones that fail. It's not just about having a growth mindset! That's only part of what you need to create a life you love. You are limited by your mindset if you don't have an environment that will enable your growth. This idea of the Growth Ecosystem is at the foundation of everything I do here with the Growth Marriage. Every email send you, every course I create, every podcast episode I publish, every social media post I… uh… post… It's all in service to this mission: Can I help you get closer to the life and marriage you want? Can I provide you with an encouraging and supportive community? Can I help hold you accountable so you can accelerate your growth? So, here's 2 weird things about me… I think about my death a lot. I'm weirdly altruistic At the end of my life, I want to be remembered for being the guy who helped people have amazing marriages. I want that to be my contribution to the world. My legacy. That's it. It's literally what I think about every single day. With that context in mind, today's podcast episode is about something special that I've been working on for quite a while with my good friend, Laura Heck. It's called the Epic Wives Experiment. Here's why I'm excited about it. Laura and I talk to wives who feel overwhelmed, burned-out, and lonely nearly every day. Maybe you can relate? (I don't know about you, but when I got married, that's not what I hoped my marriage would feel like.) Ultimately, here's what we want for wives: We want you to feel cherished, loved and adored by your husband We want you to carry less of the emotional and mental load in your marriage We also want your marriage to feel fun, exciting, and flirty again Does that sound good? That's exactly why we created the Epic Wives Experiment. We see so many wives spinning their wheels, trying to get more done in less time, carrying the bulk of the responsibility for the quality of their relationship on their shoulders… and frankly, they end up burned-out, tired, and resentful. We don't want that for you. Most women do one of two things when they're feeling burned-out: Some women put on their super-hero cape and take on all the responsibilities they wish they had help with… even if it means sacrificing themselves in the process. Then they guiltily complain about a husband who isn't pulling his weight. The other group of women completely shut down. They turn off the physical and emotional intimacy in their marriage so they have the energy to do everything else. They pretend nothing is wrong, and accept this intimacy-free version of life as normal. I don't know about you, but neither of those options sounds very fun to me. So Laura and I have spent months creating an alternative. We've put together a series of powerful experiments for you to conduct in your marriage that are designed to get you more love, connection, and support… all while putting in less time and effort. Regardless of whether you've been married for 7 months or 70 years, you're going to wake up next to a partner who wants to contribute more around the house, free up your time, support you emotionally, and be excited about doing it! Maybe you'll even start to reconnect with that flirty… (and dare I say seductive?) side of yourself that might have gone into hibernation for a while. So, here's what you're gonna get when you join us in this month-long experiment: First, every week for 4 weeks you'll get a dynamite LIVE lesson developed by me and Laura. These lessons are jam-packed with the information and tools that most people would pay hundreds of dollars in coaching or therapy to get from us. Next, we're giving you 3 powerful experiments to test on your partner every week. These experiments will help you discover new and effective ways to create positive shifts in your partner's behavior. Third, we're going to give you access to our Epic Wives Facebook group where we'll be holding you accountable, answering any questions you might have, and celebrating your wins with you. (Do you see how we're giving you every piece of the Growth Ecosystem here? An inspiring goal, a community, and a system of accountability.) Now, those are the things that everybody gets… but I like to over-deliver. So I want to throw in some cool bonuses for taking action today! One of them is a special 1-hour training at the end of this one-month experience. The training will teach you what you can do to become an expert at successfully having hard conversations with your partner. The goal is to help you resolve the challenges that once took you days to recover from in hours… or even minutes. If you take what you learn from this training, you will get so good at managing conflicts that your marriage will never go into crisis mode where you feel like you need to go to therapy to save it… or worse… talk about divorce. We're also going to be giving away amazing prizes for those who are active in the Epic Wives Experiment… like gift certificates to cleaning services, subscriptions to Disney+, and massages. And we're not going to charge you hundreds or even thousands of dollars that other people would have to pay to get this very same information through therapy or coaching! It's only $39 bucks! That's less than my wife spent on Christmas candles this year. (Our house smells like a pine forest.) Click here if you are in, and sign up. If you have more questions, click here, and you can read up on all the details, including the "Good Guy Guarantee." (If you participate in the Epic Wives Experiment, and you're not feeling less stressed, and more excited about your marriage by the end, I'll just refund you 100% of your money. I'm that confident that you'll have an amazing experience that I've assumed all the risk here.) This is how I get people results in their marriage. I create the environment for them to flourish, then invite them to come take the plunge. Let's be honest, if you don't participate, you'll probably think back to this email around Valentines day in February and wonder how much better your marriage could have been if you'd just taken the plunge. Let's set up 2020 to be the best year of your marriage so far! See you in the Epic Wives Community! (And if you're a husband, I hope I see your wife in there.) -Nate

Over the last 3 weeks, I've been breaking down this new idea I call the Growth Ecosystem. The idea is that having a growth "mindset" is not enough to create change in your life. Most people can dig deep and make positive short-term changes to their lives — like sticking to a new health routine, writing a few chapters of that book you've had in your head, or strengthening that weak spot in your marriage. But if they're not living in an environment that encourages those changes to stick, they fall off the bandwagon, old habits take over, and they find themselves right back where they began. Nothing feels worse than putting in a sincere effort to change your life for the better… and failing. Enter the Growth Ecosystem. Two episodes ago I talked about having a goal, or an ideal to strive for… just like a plant constantly strives for the sun. A good goal inspires you. It provides you with meaning and purpose. And as Victor Frankyl says, "A man with a why can overcome any how." Your goals keep you focused. And when your purpose is clear and meaningful, the struggles that come between you and your goal become opportunities. Last week we talked about how your you absorb the beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors of the people you spend the most time with… just like a plant absorbs nutrients from the soil. Your community will also keep you firmly rooted in your values when the storms of life come along. But if your community isn't a positive influence on you, these storms can was you away, and you can lose everything that's important to you. The people you surround yourself with matter more than you know. Today I want to talk about the third (and last) part of the Growth Ecosystem. Can you guess what it is? You're right! It's the "Water." In nature, water = life and growth. If plants can't access a relatively steady supply of water, they dry up and die. Look at a desert, for example. Life is pretty sparse… until you stumble across an oasis. An oasis can be as simple as a little mud puddle. But around that mud puddle is life! Animals. Plants. EVERYTHING gathers around water. Without water, you whither up and die. Now, think of nearly any are of your life where you've experienced real, meaningful, and measurable growth. Maybe you were learning a musical instrument. Maybe you were learning a new skill or subject in school. Maybe you were excelling in a sport. What was the common denominator that contributed to that persistent, and maybe even explosive growth? Accountability! Think about it, if a professional athlete wants to get a slight edge on the competition, what do they do? They hire a coach to critique their game, find all the areas where they're weak, and run them through persistent drills to strengthen their weaknesses. If you want your kid to learn a musical instrument, what do you do? You put them in a room with a much better musician! Someone who can show them the ropes, teach them new techniques, send them home to practice, then check in on their progress a few days later. Whether it's a coach, a teacher, a boss, a therapist, or just a supportive friend, explosive growth occurs when someone (other than yourself) is holding you accountable! Now think about your marriage. Have you ever thought about implementing a system of accountability to help you create the most epic marriage possible? Most people haven't. But the principle definitely holds true! That's why therapy works for so many distressed couples. It has less to do with sitting down to talk about your "feelings" every week… and more to do with the fact that the therapist is holding you accountable every week to do the kind of things that make you a better partner. But therapy isn't for everyone? Most people go see a therapist because their marriage (or their life) is in crisis. Odds are that's not you. So, if you want to maximize your potential for growth, what's your alternative? Here are some ideas for you: Find some marriage mentors. Ask a couple whose relationship you admire to meet with you once every few weeks or months. Tell them you want them to help you create an amazing marriage like theirs. Ask them for help navigating obstacles. Seek their counsel when you make big decisions. Marriage mentors are an amazing resource. Our marriage mentors are some of our best friends! ("We love you too, David and Gretchen.") Hire a therapist or coach. Just like the best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago, the best time to find a therapist or coach is when you don't desperately need one. One of the first things my wife and I did when we got married was find a therapist we love and trust. We told her we wanted to use her as maintenance to help us navigate small issues before they became big problems. We love her, and every time we go in, she tells us she LOVES seeing us. Start, or find your own marriage group. Some churches have groups like this. I know several people who have cultivated a group of couples that get together on the regular to connect and have "real talk." If you go this route, make sure you're meeting with people who are willing to be vulnerable and share what's going on in their life… and someone who will be an advocate of the relationship, and encourage you to be your best. (Remember the importance of your "soil.") You might love these suggestions. Or maybe they won't sound very doable for you... So, I want to give you one last way you can implement a system of accountability in your life. Laura Heck and I have been working on a really cool thing for you… if you're a wife. (Don't worry, dudes. We've got coming in the works for you as well.) It's called the Epic Wives Experiment. Starting the first week of January, we're going to be running a group of Epic Wives through a series of specially-designed experiments to see if we can get them huge results in a short amount of time. The most important aspect of this Experiment is that we're going to be holding everyone accountable… and even motivating the women who participate every week with prizes like gift cards to cleaning services, massages, and more! I'll tell you more about it tomorrow... but if you want to have a built-in system of accountability to start 2020 off with the kind of momentum that could make it the best month of your marriage EVER, then you should come join us! Now you have the most powerful framework I can give you. Just like a seed, when you put yourself into the Growth Ecosystem, success comes naturally and growth is inevitable. Your progress will increase, your potential will be unlocked. I hope you use this framework to create positive momentum in every area of your life… including your marriage. -Nate P.S. The Growth Ecosystem is something I developed with the help of my business partner, Kenton. The more we teach it, the more we get excited about it. I'd love to hear your thoughts on it so far. Has it unlocked any ideas for you? Are you excited to get back in the game and shoot for a big, hairy, audacious goal? Do you feel hope where you may not have felt it before? Reply to this email and let me know? I'd love to hear what learning about this framework has done for you.

Today's podcast episode and accompanying blog post will make a lot more sense if you listen to to the past 2 episodes of the Growth Marriage Podcast first! In the first episode, I introduced the concept of the Growth Ecosystem. The idea is that a person (aka you), when placed in the right ecosystem, will grow and achieve their goals… just like a plant will grow when it's placed in the ideal ecosystem. Have you ever attempted to unlock your potential by working towards a goal or making an improvement in your life... … and then you fell short after spending weeks or months gritting your teeth, and white-knuckling your way to progress? It's probably because you weren't in the right ecosystem! The desire was there. The motivation was there. But you lacked key elements in your environment to facilitate your success. Last week we talked about the first piece of the Growth Ecosystem. It's all about having an ideal to strive for. A clear goal. A version of yourself or your life that's better than who you are right now. When you have a clear goal, it gives your suffering meaning. It gives you direction and purpose in your life. And having a purpose gives you a reason to wake up in the morning. Just like the sun gives a plant energy, a clear purpose gives a person energy. Today, we're going to talk about the 2nd piece of the Growth Ecosystem. Let's jump back to the plant analogy. If you want your plant to grow, you need to put it in rich, fertile soil. The soil does 2 important things for the plant. First, it keeps the plant firmly rooted in place so it doesn't get washed away when big storms come along with their violent winds and rushing water. Second, the soil provides vital nutrients that are essential for the plants growth via the plant's root system. The 2nd piece of the Growth Ecosystem serves a very similar purpose for you. It's your community! Ever hear that famous Jim Rohn quote? It's one of my favorites… "You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with." It's crazy how true this is… Here's the science behind it: There's this psychological principle called Behavioral Contagion (which is a fancy way of saying that people copy the behaviors of the people they spend time with or pay attention to). Behavioral Contagion is responsible for all sorts of things things like increased suicide rates, or a boom in teen pregnancy, to a line of nearly 400 people at Starbucks volunteering to pay for the coffee of the person behind them in line A recent Pew Research Study even found that if a close friend or family member has gone through a divorce, you're 75% more likely to go through one yourself! You do the things that people around you do. There's a great story of an eagle who was raised by chickens. She grew up clucking, walking around in the dirt, and pecking at the ground. She never even tried to fly… because, of course, chickens don't fly. One day an eagle saw her while soaring through the sky. She landed nearby and said, "Hey! Why are you down here on the ground pecking at the ground when you could be flying high above the ground, dominating the sky?" The first eagle responded, "Cause I'm a chicken. Always have been. Always will be." As Steve Maraboli says, "If you hang out with chickens, you're going to cluck; and if you hang out with eagles, you're going to fly." A good community, just like a good soil, will keep you grounded and committed to our relationships and the things that are most important to us. Not only that, but you also "absorb" the values, attitudes, and behaviors of the people you spend time with… just like a plant absorbs nutrients in the soil, or the eagle absorbed the behaviors from being around chickens. If you want to be successful in your goals... If you want to get in shape... If you want to save money... If you want to travel the world... If you want to have an amazing marriage… You need to have a supportive, encouraging community who has your back, wants to see you succeed, and has similar goals and values as you! Are you surrounded by haters, criticizers, negative-Nancy's, complainers, excuse-makers, lazy people, shortcut-takers? If so, the likelihood of you growing and accomplishing your goals, or unlocking your potential goes right into the toilet. Contaminate the soil and the plant dies. But, if you're surrounded by encouragers, motivators, complimenters, hard workers, people who are honest, kind, and compassionate – and even people with amazing marriages – you unlock those powers within yourself! You are just like the eagle. Don't hang out with the chickens, or you'll never know how high you could have flown. Listen to today's episode for more details on the Growth Ecosystem. (It's embedded above.)

On last week's podcast episode I told you that after interviewing hundreds of madly-in-love couples, and the world's top marriage experts (like Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, or Drs. John and Julie Gottman from The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work), I pieced together a powerful, life-changing principle that nobody else is talking about. Yet, the most fulfilled couples on the planet are living this principle… most of the time without even knowing it… I call it The Growth Ecosystem. The idea is that if you want a seed to grow, all you need to do is put it in the right ecosystem: Give it access to sunlight Plant it in fertile soil Water it regularly That's it. You could try out other strategies… You could try bribing the seed. You could try to convince it to grow by using persuasion or guilt-tripping. You could yell at it, or beg it to grow… But it will only grow when it's in the right ecosystem. You are no different! Ever set your sights on a goal? You're determined to make some improvement, or lasting change in your life? You grit your teeth, and you muster all your determination to white-knuckle your way to growth. … then a few days later (or weeks, if you're lucky), you burn out, lose focus, and things go right back to the way they were before. And what I've found is that the reason most people (and most couples) don't experience the growth they so deeply desire… The reason their untapped potential never gets fulfilled… Is that they are in the wrong ecosystem. Just like a plant needs can't help but grow when they're in the ideal ecosystem, humans will naturally unlock their potential without the white-knuckling, and tooth-clenching, if they're simply placed in the right ecosystem! And just like the first part of the plant's growth ecosystem is the sun, the first piece of human's growth ecosystem is all about having an ideal to strive for. You can learn about why that's important in today's podcast (embedded above). What's the goal or ideal you're striving for? Leave a description of the version of yourself you're trying to become in the comments! P.S. Wanna know what it's like to LIVE in the Growth Ecosystem for a month? We've got a special experiment we're setting up for WIVES ONLY! The goal is to give you a taste of how much better you can make your marriage with less effort on your part, simply by putting yourself in the richg ecosystem. Click here if you want me to send you more details.

Whenever I go to a party and someone asks, "So, what do you do?" I smile and take a deep breath. "I help people have amazing marriages." "Oh, so you're a therapist?" they inevitably ask. "Nope! I have no desire to be a therapist. Thought about it for a while… even got accepted into some great programs. But therapy is not my thing." "Oh… so… what do you do then?" It's fun to see their reactions when I tell them that back in 2012 when I went on a cross-country road trip to discover the secrets of true love by interviewing the most blissfully in-love couples I could find. Some people look at me confused. "So… you're… not a therapist?" Other people are immediately entranced. "Woah! That sounds amazing!" Then comes the inevitable question… "So… what's the secret?! What did you learn? What do I need to know to have epic love?" For a long time I bounced between a bunch of super cliché answers. "Don't be afraid to be the one who loves the most." "It's more about how you handle your arguments than what you fight about, or how often." "Be kind. The best marriages are based on a foundation of friendship." "Learn to set and maintain boundaries and practice self-love. You can't give if your cup is empty." Don't get me wrong… this is all great advice. But I never felt like any of these statements were an accurate summary of what I learned. I was hunting for "the" thing to share with people that would blow their minds. It wasn't until the last few years that I really started to distill all that I've learned over the past several years into one powerful, relationship-transforming takeaway. But now I have it. I honestly believe that if couples truly wanted to feel a deep sense of connection, passion, playfulness, honest communication, deep trust (like they can trust their partner to be there for them in the darkest times of their life), equal partnership, kindness, compassion, and excitement… All they would have to do if adopt this one specific principle that I've distilled from tens of thousands of hours of learning from the top marriage experts in the world. Want to know what it is? You can find it in the first episode of the Growth Marriage Podcast. (I've rebranded The Loveumentary to Growth Marriage, and I thought this topic would be the perfect first episode to relaunch the podcast with a new format.) Click here to listen to the episode on iTunes, Spotify, Stitcher, or Google Podcasts. It's pretty short… like 10 minutes long. After this episode where I introduce this special, secret principle, I'll take the next 3-4 weeks and do a deep dive into it with my good friend and Certified Gottman Therapist, Laura Heck. I am 100% certain that if you listen and apply what you hear, it will change your life, and can transform your marriage in the VERY best ways. -Nate

On today's episode I sit down with Rachel Abrams, co-author of the new book "Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" with her husband, Doug, and the renowned Drs. John and Julie Gottman. In today's episode - among other things - we talk about the Conflict Date, and why it's Rachel's favorite date. You'll learn about all the wonderful benefits and treasures you can discover for your relationship when you approach conflict with the right tools and mindsets. It's a powerful episode!

Mort Fertel is the creator of Marriage Fitness, a relationship renewal system that's been used by millions of people in marital crisis. He also authored the book Marriage Fitness: 4 Steps to Building & Maintaining Phenomenal Love On today's show we talk about some of the ways to get in your reps to build a healthy relationship. What are the things you can do to stay in shape, have good relationship nutrition, and keep your marriage strong and healthy.

Kyle Wright used to be a bartender, but now he's the cofounder of the Wright Wellness Center with his wife, Rachel. Kyle just launched a new podcast called "Masculinity On The Rocks" which I'm REALLY excited about... especially since part 2 of this Double Podcast Relationship Extravaganza can be found on that very podcast. Here's a link. Make sure to check out Kyle and Rachel's Communication Scripts worksheet that will help you find the right words when you need them the most.

When you're faced with a struggle, an obstacle, or a challenge, the easy choice is to say, "I don't know what to do." But what if "I don't know," didn't exist? What would you do then? In today's episode, Celeste Davis of www.marriagelaboratory.com talks to us about how we're SO much smarter than we think. If there's an area of your life that you want to be better, you probably have the answers. Her ideas of how to find those answers are brilliant!

Dr. Mark Chamberlain is a PhD in Psychology and specializes in helping couples go through the process of forgiveness, and navigate addiction. In today's episode we tackle some aspects of forgiveness that I've never considered before. Like the importance of holding grudges! (Yes, they're important. Listen to the episode for more.) And be sure to check out Mark's book, "Love You, Hate The Porn."