Growth Marriage

Did you know there are TWO types of anxiety? (By the way, there's a difference between feeling anxious and having an anxiety disorder. This email is about the common, everyday experience of feeling anxious. I just want to make sure we don't trivialize a mental health disorder that can be really challenging to deal with… ok, onwards.) Your brain creates the feeling of anxiety for two reasons. The first is to prevent you from dying. So, if your brain thinks there's a tiger in the bushes, or a robber hiding in a dark alley, or if you're at risk of falling from a great height like this dingus... … you get a shot of anxiety. Your brain is basically saying, "Hey… you might die. So, exercise some caution here, would ya?" But let's be real, your life probably isn't at risk very often. So, 90% of the time the life-and-death anxiety isn't the type of anxiety you're experiencing, even though it might feel like it. Most people deal with the OTHER type of anxiety. This second type of anxiety typically hits when you're stepping outside your comfort zone, pushing your limits, or challenging yourself. It's the anxiety associated with growth. Remember the first day of school? Ever have to give a big presentation at work? Have you gone back to the gym for the first time in a long break? Need to have that conversation about the budget? Has your partner ever challenged your opinion on something important? You get that rush of adrenaline. Your heart rate increases. You can feel the butterflies in your stomach or tightness in your back. Your sweat glands go into overdrive. That's ALL Growth Anxiety. It's your brain saying, "Heeeeey! This is something we haven't done before! Why didn't I get notified? Are we ready? Are we SURE we're not gonna die?" If you push through Growth Anxiety, amazing things happen. Just like an airplane needs wind resistance to create lift… Or your muscles need to experience resistance to grow stronger… The currency you must pay to become a better version of yourself is pushing through the resistance that comes from Growth Anxiety. As you do this, you learn. You evolve. You become stronger and more resilient. One of the biggest mistakes you can make in life is confusing Growth Anxiety for keep-you-alive anxiety. Do this and you'll get stuck. You'll experience the same problems, arguments, and struggles over and over again. Your life will be full of regrets, unfulfilled dreams, and broken relationships. All this… because you treated a growth experience as if it were going to kill you. Think about what's causing you anxiety in life. If it's not going to kill you, ask yourself, "What's the lesson I need to learn? What's the growth I need to experience? What can I learn in order to turn the things that are worrying me into things that I can manage with confidence? What did you think of this post? Learn anything? Let me know in the comments...

"My husband and I have been going to therapy off and on for over a decade. We made more progress in our marriage during the Epic Wives Experiment than we ever did during our time in counseling." Over 500 women have gone through the Epic Wives Experiment, and I've literally spent hours sitting at my computer overwhelmed with emotion as I read the breakthroughs, testimonials, and transformations experienced by these Epic Wives. So, why does the Epic Wives Experiment work so well? Why are we so good at helping these women get ridiculously awesome results? (At the end of the day, that's what we all really want, right? Results matter!) Honestly, it's a combination of things. First, you get to be part of a STELLAR community of women. You're in the trenches with hundreds of other amazing wives who are committed to leveling up their love. You have a massive cheering section. You have people to bounce ideas off of, and learn from. You have a compassionate group of humans to lift you up when you're feeling discouraged, or hurt. When you read a relationship book, go to therapy, or listen to a podcast… you're typically on your own. When you have the support, encouragement, and comradery of a group of amazing women, you're WAY more likely to stick with your commitments and goals to do better and be better. Second, you have passionate guides who care about your success! If you've gone to therapy, you know you get about an hour to discuss your paints, struggles, and issues. Then you create a plan, and a week or two later, you check back in with the therapist ot see how things went. In between appointments, you're on your own. There's nobody there to coach you. Nobody to help you stay grounded when things inevitably get tricky. Nobody to help you implement what you've learned. In the Epic Wives Experiment, you get access to me and Laura Heck, one of the top Marriage and Family Therapists in the world. We coach you every Monday. We give you specific action items to help you implement what you've learned Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Then, we sit with you in a live Q&A on Friday. (For context, we each charge over $100 per hour for individual coaching/therapy… if we have openings) And throughout the week, we are active in the Facebook group, answering questions, encouraging you, celebrating with you, and encouraging you. No other marriage resource provides you an experience like that. For real. Third… you follow a specific path. Learning is addicting. It feels good to learn new tools, strategies, principles, and tactics by reading and listening to books, binging podcasts, or even attending workshops. When you learn something new, you think, "Woah, I'm a better person now." But the knowledge doesn't make you better. The application of knowledge is what makes you better. The only way to create transformation is to take action. There's literally NO other way. But a lot of people get stuck when it comes to implementation. "I get the principle… but how do I put it into practice? Where do I start?" In the Epic Wives Experiment, we've developed the path for you. No stressing about what to do next. No wondering "Am I doing this right?" If you trust the process and show up a few minutes every day, and follow the path… you have no choice but to become an Epic Wife! And here's where it gets crazy… When you change how you show up, it automatically impacts how your partner will show up!!! That's why every time we've done this, we have wives losing their minds when their husbands buy them flowers, turn off ESPN to have meaningful, connecting conversations, or willingly help more around the house without being asked. These are just a few of the reasons the Epic Wives Experiment works. And by "works" I mean gets wives the results they want. Come try it out. If you show up and do the work, and you don't get results, I'll give you your money back! That's how confident I am that I can help you take your marriage to the next level. Please don't miss out.

"It's the little things done often that make the difference." This is my favorite quote from the world's most notable marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman. It's easy to dismiss the quote as a great soundbite and miss all the wisdom that's packed into it. So I want to spend a minute and tell you how this quote can change your life. Most people want to live a happy and fulfilling life. And the key to a happy life is great relationships. Research has shown again and again that the factor most directly correlated with the quality of your life is the quality of your relationships. And the relationship that has the biggest impact on your life is... you guessed it, your marriage! When your marriage sucks - when you're constantly feeling lonely, disconnected, frustrated, stressed, overwhelmed, angry, disappointed, unappreciated, neglected, or attacked - it negatively impacts EVERY other aspect of your life. On average…. You are significantly more likely to struggle with depression and anxiety. You're more likely to get sick more often Your body will heal more slowly from infections, injuries, and diseases You'll have fewer friends You'll struggle with productivity at work You'll have less sex You'll make less money You'll live a shorter life So, having a great marriage is REALLY important at the very least if you don't want to be miserable. What most people get hung up

"5. 4. 3. 2. 1. 0. All engine running… Liftoff! We have a liftoff!" In the summer of 1969, Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldren, and Michael Collins were strapped to the tip of a rocket containing over 500,000 pounds of fuel, staring at the sky. The burners had been lit, and the rocket catapulted them towards a mission that had never been accomplished before: Putting a human on the moon. I can't imagine what was going on in the astronauts' minds at that moment. What I do know is that for the years leading up to this mission, the astronauts, and the teams at NASA who built the rockets had been doing something VERY important… pressure-testing. The rockets had to withstand over 7.6 million pounds of thrust without exploding in order for hte launch to be successful. That's more power than 85 Hoover Dams. So, before the launch ever happened, the teams at NASA would pressure-test them. They would pump the prototypes full of gas or water at insanely high pressures to simulate the pressure created during launch… and they'd look for weaknesses. Pressure exposes weaknesses. This isn't just a literal principle. It's also an awesome metaphor. High-pressure situations also expose mental, emotional, physical, and relational weaknesses. (This is why astronauts have such intense training. They try to simulate the chaos that can occur during a rocket launch to strengthen their weaknesses so they don't panic if something terrible or unexpected happens.) And right now, most of us are under some real pressure! A worldwide pandemic. Social isolation. A suffering economy. Depression and anxiety. Kids out of schools. Family members in possible danger. And if you live in my neck of the woods... earthquakes. *ugh* All of this pressure will expose the weaknesses in your marriage. The arguments, insecurities, tensions, and frustrations you already have will be amplified. If gone unchecked, the pressure can tear your marriage apart. In China, as mandatory lockdowns were lifted a few weeks ago, the divorce rate skyrocketed. But this doesn't have to be the case for you! If you're in a difficult spot right now, and it's being exacerbated by the conditions of the world, you can choose to see this time of high-pressure as a gift. You're being exposed to your weaknesses. Weaknesses that might have otherwise been invisible to you, or easy to ignore. Now, you get a chance to fix them! You can face them head-on, create a plan, and patch them up before they do irreparable damage. Pressure exposes weaknesses. The pressure isn't going anywhere for a while. And you get to choose how you deal with it. It can accelerate and amplify the things that are already broken... Or, it can be a gift. If you choose to face it head-on, it can open the door to a marriage far better than you ever could have hoped. What will you choose?

A reader reached out to me a few weeks ago. "My husband hasn't talked to me in 3 days. We had an argument, and he just shut me out. Is that normal? I want to talk about it… but maybe he still needs time to process. Maybe I just need to lower my expectations." If I had a dollar for every time I had someone talk about how low expectations are the key to a happy marriage, I'd be a very wealthy man. And it's heartbreaking… Because the idea that the key to happiness is low expectations is a complete myth! Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should go out there and develop ridiculously high expectations all around for your relationship. You aren't always going to agree on everything. Your partner isn't going to constantly be in a good mood. Sometimes you won't get to go on vacation when you want, eat at the restaurant you want, or work the job you want. Your partner won't always be in the mood to do/watch/talk about the exact same thing you want to do/watch/talk about… That's just silly. Those types of expectations are just resentment waiting to happen. What I'm talking about right now is a study done by Donald Baucom. Dr. Baucom found that in marriage, people typically get what they expect. If you've got low expectations about how your partner will treat you in your relationship, you will tend to be in relationships where you are treated poorly. If you've got high expectations about how you'll be treated by your partner, you tend to be in a relationship where you are treated well. These expectations matter! So, here are 3 things you should ALWAYS have high expectations for in your relationship: Being Treated with Kindness Even During Conflict Being Treated with Respect Problem Solving As a Team

Gerritt was working long hours as a police officer. The job was intense and stressful. He'd come home at the end of the day exhausted after a long 13-hour shift, dealing with criminals and paperwork. He'd walk through the door, and it often felt like he was just met with a to-do list from his wife. He could tell his kids were growing more and more distant. Many nights they'd already be asleep when he got home. Then he started hitting up bars after his shift to unwind with a little alcohol. After a while, the alcohol wasn't enough of an escape. He started getting depressed. So he met with a doctor who gave him some medication… which he abused with the booze. He started working longer hours to avoid going home where he'd have to face his failure as a husband and father. Nothing he did could fill the hole of inadequacy and emptiness he carried around with him. His marriage was falling apart. Eventually he even turned to another woman to give him what he wasn't getting at home. It didn't help. In fact, it made things worse. One day after a particularly long shift, he sat in his car in the parking garage and took a look at the gun on his belt… and he wondered if the world would be better without him. It was at that point that Gerritt decided to turn his life around. He decided instead of blaming people, substances, and circumstances for not filling the hole he felt in himself, he would take responsibility for filling it himself. Over several months and years he completely turned his life, and his marriage around. (To hear more about his story, listen to today's podcast episode embedded above.) The POWERFUL lesson I was left with after I interviewed Gerritt is that the best way to transform your life, or your marriage, is by transforming yourself. The marriage you currently have is the marriage you've chosen for yourself. And if you want a different marriage or a different life, all you have to do is start making different choices. It's so simple, but it's SO powerful. If Gerritt can dig himself out of addiction, depression, divorce, and suicidal thoughts - and create a life with a vibrant, fulfilling marriage, meaningful work, and a desire to lift up everyone he comes in contact with - imagine what YOU could do if you chose to outgrow your problems! What's the problem you continue to bump into? The thing that's standing between you and the life or marriage you want? What's the thing preventing you from taking that next step forward? How could you approach it differently to maybe get different results? Leave your ideas in the comments!

I saw another heartbreaking announcement on my Facebook feed a few weeks ago. "If you haven't heard yet, my partner and I are getting a divorce…" This couple had been married for over a decade. They had multiple children together. The news, as it almost always is, was heartbreaking. For many divorce can seem to come completely out of nowhere. For others, it feels like it's a long time coming. And the first question people inevitably ask is "Why?" Why did it happen? Some people assume, "They must have had a terrible sex life." Other people guess, "They were probably struggling financially." Some even jump to the conclusion that there must have been an affair going on. "I wonder who it was…" But the reality is that money, sex, inlaws, poor communication… Almost all of these are just surface problems. It turns out that the REAL cause of divorce is something deeper. As a matter of fact, one study shows that over 80% of divorces can be attributed to one thing: I call it "Emotional Drift." Drift /drift/ verb 1. to be carried slowly by a current of air or water. The idea is that couples drift apart over time. Little by little their friendship fades. They stop making fun memories with each other. They lose interest in each other's lives and get distracted by their jobs, their children, finances, and other obligations. They stop being playful with one another or laughing together. They stop kissing each other. They stop holding hands, creating inside jokes, or having deeply meaningful conversations. They stop relying on each other. They are more critical, less patient, more judgemental, less empathetic. And over time, the current of life slowly pulls them away from each other. The reason couples can't can't navigate the struggles of finances, sex, parenting or anything else together is because… well, they've emotionally drifted apart. They're not in sync. They're not together. They're not attuned to each other's emotions, needs, thoughts, or desires. If you truly want to prevent divorce, you need to be like a pair of otters. Otters often sleep while floating in rivers and oceans. The reason they don't drift apart from each other? They stay connected. [OTTER GIF] Otters know that when they hold hands, they can rest comfortably… because when they wake up, their partner will be right there next to them, whether the current is calm or chaotic. Here are 5 things you can do to prevent Emotional Drift from ever destroying your relationship: 1. Ask Better Questions Stop asking questions that can be answered with only 1 word! How was your day? How are you feeling? What do you wanna do? Gross. These questions don't help you stick together, and defeat the dreaded "Emotional Drift." Just nix them from your vocabulary! Instead ask open-ended questions like these: What's something you've been worrying about lately? Outside our family, who is the most important person in your life right now, and why? What was the most exciting/frustrating/interesting/hilarious part of your day today? They'll give you a window into your partner's life, and help you stay connected, and enamored with them! 2. Create Cool Rituals Legendary marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman says, "It's the small things done often that make the difference. Most people live lives centered around rituals of convenience. You always take your phone into the bathroom with you when you poop. You wear the 3 or 4 outfits over and over even though you have a closet full of different stuff. You wash our body in the shower in the same order every day… because it's just what you do. But something amazing happens when you get intentional with your habits and rituals. What would happen if every time you took your phone into the loo, you texted your partner something you loved about them before checking Instagram? How would life be different if every day after brushing your teeth, you wrote a love note to your lover on the bathroom mirror? How would it be if every evening before taking your first bite of food, you shared a passionate 6-second kiss? It's the small things done often that keep you from drifting apart. 3. Be a Safe Space To Land In her book on affairs and infidelity, "Not 'Just Friends,'" Dr. Shirley Glass says the first warning sign that your marriage might be in trouble is that you're keeping secrets from each other. People keep secrets for lots of reasons. It's hard to share something with your spouse when you know it will hurt them. One of the greatest gifts you can give your partner is being a soft place for them to land. Here's what that means… Tell your partner right now that no matter how painful something might be to hear, you promise to always receive it without flying off the handle, or an explosion of emotions. When you can absorb the impact of tough news without imploding or lashing out, your partner is more likely to share everything with you… even the hard things. Which means… no secrets… and no Emotional Drift. 4. Prioritize Together Time Married couples spend about 2.5 hours a day together. Over ⅓ of that time is spent watching TV. Another 30 minutes is spent eating meals. And another 30 minutes is spent doing housework. Most couples spend the remainder of that time coordinating schedules, or discussing kids and other obligations. The truth is, unless you're incredibly intentional, you probably don't get much downtime together. Try to get a solid 3 hours of meaningful time together each week. Whether it's playing a game, going for a walk, or sexy-times, it's important to play, to joke around, and to connect BEYOND the normal, day-to-day stuff that is necessary for survival. 5. The Magic Ratio Research shows that the most fulfilled and happy couples have a ratio of 20 positive interactions to every negative interaction. This is what Dr. John Gottman calls the "Magic Ratio." During times of conflict this ratio dropped to 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. Couples who were absolutely miserable, and then got divorced? Their average ratio was right around 1:1. Want to stay close, connected, and fight that emotional drift? Work on increasing your ratio! Send thoughtful texts. Hold hands. Offer appreciation to your partner for the little things. Compliment them. Play games together. Talk about all your fond memories together. Laugh at their stupid jokes. Read books together… If you do these 5 things, you'll be like those otters up above, and you'll never drift apart as you float down this crazy river known as life. You can control whether or not you become a divorce statistic! The best way to avoid ending up on the wrong side of those statistics is to eliminate Emotional Drift.

Are you a problem-solver? When your partner gets upset or frustrated, or you get in a little tiff, do you go right into solution-finding mode? If you are, welcome to the club. I, also, am a problem-solver. It's hard to beat that feeling when you can make an annoying problem disappear. Unfortunately, our amazing problem-solving skills can be terrible for marriage. Research shows that 69% of conflict in a marriage is unresolvable, perpetual conflict. The kind of problems that don't go away… ever. Ugh! So dumb. So, if over half of your problems can't be solved, what the heck are you supposed to do with them? That's exactly what I talk about in today's podcast episode! But for those of you who like reading, and not listening, I'll clue you in. When you bump into unsolvable problems like: I'm an extrovert, she's an introvert I'm a neat-freak, he's cluttery I am a rule-follower, he's a rule-breaker I'm an early bird, she's a night owl I'm a saver, he's a spender Or any other marriage issue… I want you to do one thing before you try to "solve" the problem. Seek mutual understanding!When you get curious and seek to understand what's going on in your partner's head and heart during (or after) a time a conflict, the solvable problems almost always get solved, and the unsolvable problems get minimized. It's like magic! Start by saying, "Help me understand." Listen to your partner as they share their feelings. Repeat back to them (word-for-word) what you hear until they feel like you really get what's going on for them. Then switch roles. You'll be amazed at how NOT focusing on solving problems actually makes them go away. Try it out and let me know how it goes! -Nate P.S. Want to learn more about this? Check out Say What You Need To Say. It's the communication course I've been working on for the last year. The purpose of SWYNTS is to give couples everything they need to feel confident that they can handle any obstacle or trial life throws at them and still keep their marriage strong.

Today I want to teach you the most important lesson I know. I've written hundreds of thousands of words in my past emails and courses. I've probably said millions more words in my podcasts. And don't get me wrong, those lessons are all pretty good (if I do say so myself). But they don't mean jack squat without the lesson I teach in today's podcast. Knowledge is NOT power! Knowledge is the POTENTIAL of power. True power - power to change your life, your circumstances, your marriage, and your reality - comes through action. It's that simple. These emails that I send out on the regular, my podcast, my courses, my videos, the books you might be reading - they're all packed with insights. And gaining insights feels GOOD! It tickles that reward system in our brains. When I learn something particularly awesome, I always feel the need to pat myself on the back for how awesome I am. But being an insight-chaser doesn't magically change your life, or turn you into a better person! The magic comes from being an action-taker. Being an action-taker means you step outside your comfort zone to put into practice the things you're learning. It means you risk failure. It means you take chances. Insight-chasing almost always happens inside your comfort zone. Growth, progress, miracles, and results always happen OUTSIDE your comfort zone. So, my big question for you today is, "What's something you know you could be doing to make your life better… but you're not doing it?" And the followup, "When are you going to do it?!" Get committed today to turn your knowledge into power. Get out there and take action! Be an action-taker, not an insight-chaser. It will change your life. -Nate

I'm not a math guy. It's a lot like folding laundry. I'm not bad at it, but I don't enjoy it… like at all. But there's one math formula I can get behind. It's called the "Magic Ratio." (Listen to today's podcast on the Magic Ratio here!) If your ratio is on point, your marriage is almost guaranteed to be amazeballs. If your ratio sucks, so does your marriage. (It's not me judging you… it's the math.) Here's how it works. Several decades ago, Dr. John Gottman had married couples come spend a weekend in his "Love Lab." It was basically like the set of Big Brother… but with more science. They had cameras set up to record the couple's interactions. The couples wore heart rate monitors, and they had "jiggleometers" on the bottom of their chairs to measure how much they were fidgeting. They took urine and blood samples to measure their hormones. They even had one of those two-way mirrors with interns on the other side coding their facial expressions and body language. The goal was to gather as much data as possible on these couples. After studying these couples in the Love Lab over and over again for YEARS, Dr. Gottman found some monumentally life-changing things. One of them is called the Magic Ratio. He found that the happiest, most fulfilled, and most successful couples experienced an average of 20 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. For every one criticism, tough conversation, or angry word, there were 20 smiles, kisses, compliments, encouraging words, booty-pats, winks, offers to help with chores, small gifts, back scratches, etc. And during times of conflict, that ratio dropped down to 5:1. Sure these couples get frustrated about whose turn it was to change the diaper, or whether or not to pop the zit on his back. But they still found ways to build positivity in their relationship with a comforting hug, a hand on the leg, or cracking a dumb joke to ease the tension. The most miserable couples? Their ratio was around .8:1. Now for the important question… if you had to guess what your ratio was, what would it be? 2:1? 5:1? 50:1? If it's under 20:1, I want you to set a goal for today. Make it a point to bump up your Magic Ratio by a few points. Send your lover a thoughtful text. Write them a thank you note. Offer to take care of their least favorite chore. Flirt with them… like the way you did when you were dating. Get that ratio up to 20:1, and see what a difference it makes. I promise you, it will be "MAGICAL." (They don't call lit the Magic Ratio for nothing!) -Nate